But nothing came. She breathed out. It was so fast. So small. And so unfair.
She shook her head and turned away. Thankfully, Megan didn’t pressure her and just stood after a moment and made more tea.
Throughout the night, Liz experienced other small memories, but kept those to herself. It was as if her brain was mocking her with these tiny visuals. Very few of which contained an audible memory. She barely heard much of what Ben and Megan rambled about after they sat up drinking wine and picking at more baked goods. If she hadn’t known any better, she’d say the couple was afraid to let her go to sleep. The two sat on the couch across from the one she sat on. Their spacious living area and open kitchen only held two white sofas, an oak coffee table, and a sixty-plus inch television over a wood-burning fireplace. There was very little carpet, which was intentional, no doubt, to avoid covering the glossy, dark wood floors.
“I’m going to be okay, guys. And to be honest, I barely heard anything you said for the past hour.” Liz gave a lazy smile through her sleepy voice.
Ben looked at Megan tentatively then back at Liz. “We know. And I think I know at what points you had other memories too, Lizzy.”
Megan smiled. “Ben’s pretty good at picking up on when people have tuned him out.” She shrugged and winked at her husband.
“Honestly, Liz,” Ben continued, “we don’t know how fast these are coming back and if you happen to wake up…confused…we want to be here for you.”
Liz laughed. “So what, you guys are going to take turns being watch guards? Thank you, but I don’t need it.” She laughed again to conceal how utterly alone she felt at that moment. But not scared. Remembering who she was didn’t scare her. She was eager for it, in fact. More ready for it than she’d ever been.
But she knew better than to stress or rush the memories or to ask questions. The only time she would remember something is when she wasn’t searching or questioning or feeling much. The visions faded into her mind and just as simply, faded out. Not all had meaning.
But the loneliness. That was real. And the first time she’d felt it in weeks. Seeing Ben and Megan standing over her, working together in their secret way of communication. It was so solid. So honest. As if everything they did—they did together. How wholesome it must feel for them.
That was what she needed the most. She breathed in deep, forcing the pain away from her chest. She needed to fight these emotions that kept her prisoner. It was the only way to get better.
On her own.
The next morning Megan proposed to move Liz into a fully furnished rental her firm had recently listed. Thanks to Megan’s strong relationship with the developer, they allowed Megan’s “immediate family” to rent the unit for a minimum of one month before they put it back on the market.
Liz knew she couldn’t avoid Matt that long. But at a minimum, a few days was more than necessary for both of them.
The offer didn’t come from nowhere. Liz had thanked them for the stay for the night but insisted that she probably should go back to her brothers, or get a hotel for a few days. The idea of having her disappear must have crossed their mind because Megan immediately offered the vacant townhouse, until she was ready to go home.
Two days into her new living arrangement, Liz was starting to control her memories. Recalling those she focused on. But it didn’t come easy. She picked up a pattern in her state of mind when memories would come. She needed to be calm, patient and by no means hasty or stressed. Her mind’s demands were not easy to meet.
Liz and Marcus had taken a trip back to the storage unit to bring some things back to Liz’s temporary home. He wanted to help shuffle through. But Liz insisted on giving fate a chance, and grabbed a few random boxes, and two small furniture pieces.
“I just wanted to make this place my own for as long as I’m here, you know?” She told him when they were back at her place later that night. So far, they’d only gone through one box together and placed the one lamp she grabbed at the last minute on the side table by the pale blue sofa. She set her tea down on the oversized marble coffee table and sat back, exhausted.
“Well it’s a good thing we kept them all, then.”
Liz caught a flash of hesitation after Marcus spoke the words, as if he weren’t sure about them. She was about to question why they wouldn’t, when a harsh memory invaded her otherwise peaceful mind frame.
Her and Marcus are in their parent’s house. The same vision she had just a few days ago when she was with him. Only this time, she heard everything. Liz stood surrounded by boxes and various pieces of furniture. Many of them more vivid in this vision. She had been crying. Her throat ached and she was screaming at Marcus. Hurtful words, accusations being thrown between the two of them. No. Not between the two of them. Just Liz at her brother.
It was painful to relive, but not a shock, thankfully. Since Marcus was honest to a fault with her.
She pulled herself out this time. The raw memory didn’t fade like all the others. She looked up at her little brother. Her eyes burned. She loved him. She loved him insanely. She loved him enough to pounce on him and tackle him to the bare floor.
The way she used to when they were kids.
But along with that love that she remembered clearer than day, came an unfair crushing reality of how she’d left him nearly two years ago.
She stood and burst into an uncontrollable cry. She looked at Marcus, whose face was now covered with concern. She opened her mouth—an apology she desperately needed to get out caught in her throat. “Marcus…” she choked, and before she could even attempt another word, he crossed to her and pulled her in. Her brother’s warm embrace was the painkiller she desperately needed that moment. She closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure how long he’d held her, but it was enough to get her breathing normally again.
“Oh, that’s definitely my sister’s hug.” He grasped her shoulders and stepped back, studying her. A warm smile formed on his blurry face. She quickly rubbed her eyes to look at him once more. Then threw herself at him again.
“I’m so sorry, Marc.”
“Oh, come on Lizzy, you know I never take you seriously,” he joked. He was good at that. And though she could argue that he never did in fact take her seriously, she knew he’d been hurt. “Don’t worry about me—about us. You need to take a minute. Sit, I’ll make you something.” He guided her back to the paper-rough sofa.
She wiped at her tears and sat back down, staring into space for probably longer than any normal human could possibly handle. Marc had returned with a plate of food for her and a glass of water. She hadn’t even heard him bustling in the open kitchen. It was her entire childhood and young adult life that was now all clear. If she sat here and tried, she could recall every memory up until Matt.
All memories of him were still hazy. She absently admired the lamp placed by the sofa. She ran a finger over the tarnished golden tube, remembering its shine from when it lived in her father’s den. She smiled at it until she noticed a small crack on the edge of the glass shade. She reached for it and another memory struck her.
“Gone, I want it all gone. I don’t want any of it.”
“Liz, you’re just angry—you don’t even know what some of this stuff is…” Marcus tried to argue with her.
“I said throw it out,” she barked. She hadn’t noticed it before, but Matt was there too. He’d been standing by the entrance, holding some oversized trash bags and talking with a truck driver who had come to pick up certain furniture pieces for donation. She remembered his eyes when he watched her in her frenzy, tossing random objects into trash bags and boxes. And the lamp, she tossed it with too much force, knowing she could break the fragile thing. But she also remembered her pausing to see the damage she caused, and the rest of the memory faded out.
She turned to her brother, seeing him in a new light. “Marc, you went back for all the stuff? I watched them drive away with everything.” Liz was impressively shocked. Not that her brother would do something so sentim
ental, but the fact that he’d been so careful and organized about it. He somehow managed to let her think everything was gone. Rented an enormous storage unit and managed to keep up its monthly payments. That in itself was the biggest shocker.
Marcus chuckled uncomfortably and shrugged. “I wish I could take the credit. But that was all Matt.”
“Matt?” her pleased expression faded and was replaced with a spark somewhere between her stomach and chest.
“Yeah, he…well he was there that day—with us at mom and dad’s—when you insisted every last item in that house get tossed.” He raised his eyebrows as if to point out her nonsense. “And I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently he paid the guys from the church to take the boxed items and a few of the furniture pieces to a storage unit.” He held his hands up, “Not everything though. A lot of their furniture did in fact need to go.” Marcus glanced at the unopened boxes by the entrance. “Anyway, he’d given me an extra key and told me to keep it between us for a while.” Her brother shrugged.
She nodded slowly. “He knew I’d regret it eventually. That I’d miss them and want to shuffle through these things again.”
“I know it’s painful Lizzy.” He handed her the plate of food. “But you don’t have to go through it alone.”
She popped a cube of cheese and grinned at him. “So, you’ll stay with me tonight?”
Chapter 41
MATT
It had been nine days since she left. Knowing Liz was safe and Megan was checking in on her daily, was the only thing that kept him from running to her. Marcus had texted him too—all of twice—to let him know about Liz’s slow but sure recovery. Finally, he decided enough was enough.
Matt walked a few houses down and glanced once again at Megan’s text; fifty-six. The cookie cutter townhouses were painted blue and white. They all had the same concrete steps that pulled up to a single large door. Matt finally reached the house number that matched the one on his screen. His chest tightened. He took a breath, lifted the round bronze latch, and knocked. With his heart pounding, he waited. Not knowing what her reaction would be. If she would remember him. All of him. Every part of who they are. Were. Would she still be angry at him for lying to her? With or without her memories? He wondered if he should turn around, give her more time. It comforted him to know she was safe. But it also didn’t. She still wasn’t with him.
He knocked again.
Nothing.
He let out another breath, disappointed and dropped his head. He stared at the blue doormat for a moment.
He frowned and stepped off it, then bent down to lift the heavy mat. A few inches in, he spotted it; a shiny silver key. He reached for it and stood, smiling to himself and shaking his head. He slipped the key in and turned the knob, letting himself in.
Lavender and vanilla scents filled his nostrils. The apartment was furnished in pale blues, sea greens and off whites. But there were a few artifacts that looked out of place. And familiar. Matt stepped further in. The place was quiet.
“Liz?”
But he knew the place was empty. She’d gone out.
Where would she go? He could call her, but what would he say?
The house was relatively close, and similar to Ben and Megan’s, so he knew the back door would lead straight to the beach. Stepping out the back door, he followed a narrow fenced in walkway and made his way down the short steps to the beach. His eyes searched for her familiar figure. It was barely ten in the morning. The sun was strong, but not unbearably hot. Lawn chairs and umbrellas were starting to unfold.
Matt strolled past the busy boardwalk. Past the gift shops, restaurants, and ice cream carts. The crowd that typically piles up around lunchtime, was starting earlier that Saturday. Liz loved strolling past the boardwalk, so that’s what he would do. She could have been in the complete opposite direction, for all he knew, but he’d look for her until he found her.
Somewhere past the busier part of the beach, the boardwalk ended and an unflattering and untamed field started. Matt jumped down to the patchy grass area surrounding the land. He crossed a deserted narrow bike lane and spotted a peaceful, serene pier further along the beach. He could see past the fence and didn’t see a single soul. He stopped and let out another disappointment breath. He was sure this was where Liz would have gone.
Before he turned around, he spotted an opening in the fence, also surrounded by bushes and small trees. It was elevated, so there had to be steps going down to the beach. But that wasn’t what caught his attention. It was the fabric of a pale colored dress that stood out. He neared and something dropped to his stomach. At the same time, relief washed through him as he saw the back of his wife’s seated body. Everything surrounding her was now hazy and it was as if he couldn’t get to her fast enough. He paused, aware that his shadow might frighten her, and opened his mouth to call to her but she turned at the sound of his footsteps.
A mix of surprise and fear in her eyes. She also appeared as if she wanted to say something. Maybe his name? Or ask why he was here. But instead, she smiled with relief. It may also have been the sheer exhaustion he knew she was feeling. Her limbs looked weak and her eyes dark and drained. She was still beautiful, and he wanted more than anything to tell her that. But there was something else in her eyes. He noticed it immediately.
They were familiar and gazed up at him in a familiar way. It was Lizzy. He was sure of it. He remembered Megan’s hopeful words. She’s been in and out.
“Okay if I sit?”
She nodded and looked down at the empty space next to her. He sat beside her, inches away.
Her eyes narrowed. “How did you find me here?”
“Did you doubt that I could?”
She turned to the horizon and watched it intently. She was visibly nervous by his presence, and it shouldn’t have been that way.
“Lizzy?” He knew his voice sounded hopeful and prayed that he wouldn’t be hurting her if it wasn’t.
She nodded and batted her eyes in the playful way he always knew. “It’s me.”
Unable to hold back anymore, he reached out a hand and gently placed it on the side of her face.
He searched her eyes as if it weren’t enough that she’d merely confirmed it was her. All of her.
LIZ
The sun may have been hiding behind the clouds, but the warmth of his palms spread through her. Giving her the hope that she’d been silently yearning for. Though she realistically hadn’t seen him in just over a week, she’d felt as though it was an eternity. She wanted to cry, to bury herself in his chest. Tell him how much she’d missed him. But the part she couldn’t explain was the desire to bury herself under the warm sand at that very moment to avoid looking into his eyes.
When he showed no sign of letting her off the hook, she found the courage and lifted her head. Pure shock hit her as unmistakable remorse was all over his face. He brushed his fingers over the healing wound on her head.
“Matt.”
“Baby. You’re back,” he smiled brightly, and a sheen of liquid filled his eyes and the hope inside her swelled.
“I heard you missed me.”
She watched him ponder that for a moment before he smiled. “Yes, as much as I was grateful you were still alive, your memories and your love are everything to me and I couldn’t wait to have them back.”
His words left her breathless for merely a second before a sigh of relief and a few tears escaped her.
“Why didn’t you come back when you remembered?” he whispered.
She looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “Because I remembered.” Her voice was hoarse. Before she could try and pull away, he pulled her into his hard torso and held her close. He squeezed a hand full of her hair, then ran his fingers along the strands. She never wanted him to let go.
“Where did you go?” He pulled back and searched her eyes.
“I feel like I’ve been waking up slowly. At first it was scary because I was falling in and out of myself and I was so confused.
But Marcus has been helping me stay on track.”
“I wish I knew. I wish I was there.”
“Apparently, you need to know all the screwed-up facts about your life in order to bring you back to it.” Liz laughed bitterly.
“I don’t think that’s entirely true.”
“Well it was in my case.” She said, wiping away one of her last tears.
His eyes were starting to play tricks on her; turning dark and glossy as he stared at her. Unreadable. He blinked and swallowed. “I let you down. You needed to trust someone and I...”
“You protected me. You cared for me. You put aside all your anger to try and prove to me how much you loved me.” She wouldn’t let him take any blame and waited until he looked at her again. “Thank you. I didn’t deserve that.”
“Liz, we don’t need to talk about that right now,” he said softly.
“What’s the point of putting it off?” She shrugged. “I’m tired, Matt. Yes, to answer your question, it was very difficult keeping it from you. Painful in fact.” She swallowed and blinked at the wind. “And I know this is going to sound selfish…but the dread that I felt every time I even pondered the idea…” she shook her head uncontrollably and he immediately grasped her head in his hands again. The understanding in his eyes were so clear, as though he felt her pain. She pushed his arms down and stepped back a few feet. “You were right to assume…to doubt me weeks ago,” she sighed heavily. “When I told you that I made the decision to keep this from you, there was something I was leaving out.” Liz glanced up to see him watch her patiently with his head cocked to the side.
“Does this have to do with my brother trying to convince you to tell me?”
She nodded slowly. “He was going to tell you regardless,” she started, to test how much he knew. By the puzzled expression on her husband’s face, she concluded not as much.
Remember Me Page 20