Shades of Honor

by Wendy Lindstrom

  “What difference does it make who’s helpin’ us out?”

  The difference was that Radford was turning her life upside down. One minute she wanted to hit him for being blind to Rebecca’s needs, the next, Evelyn was melting over his obvious love and tender affection for his daughter. Though they had spoken little since their argument yesterday, Evelyn had forgiven Radford’s comments, knowing he’d been upset. Still, his presence in her livery scattered her senses and drew her attention to things she didn’t want to notice. He directed her eyes like the wind turning a sail, then she’d find herself admiring the strength in his long, lean body. Before she knew it, she’d be examining his handsome face and wondering if he kissed like Kyle. She had to get him out of her house!

  “I think Radford is unhappy running the livery,” she said, trying one last selfish attempt to sway her father.

  “‘Course he is. He wants to be at that mill with his brothers where he belongs.”

  “Then why doesn’t he go? Why doesn’t he just challenge Kyle and get it over with?”

  “Because now ain’t the time and he knows it.” He reached out and patted Evelyn’s cheek. “You’re worrying about nothing.”

  “Nothing?” Evelyn’s heart sank along with her hopes. “Papa, I love walking into that livery in the morning, feeling I belong there, pouring my heart into each job I do because you taught me to. Those horses are special to me. I love the musty smell of that old barn and the way the sun makes the hay gold in the morning and bronze in the evening. When I’m out there, I feel you working beside me. Sometimes when Radford uses the forge, I hear his hammers ringing and it’s like you’re right there, but it’s not the same anymore.” Evelyn swallowed to clear the emotional thickness in her throat. “That’s my world, Papa. Our world. And it means a great deal more than nothing.”

  He ran his palm over her hair and sighed. “I asked you to trust me, but maybe I asked too much. That livery belongs to you and Kyle just as surely as the sawmill belongs to Radford. Ain’t nothing gonna change that, pixie.”

  “I wasn’t worried about Radford taking over,” Evelyn said, grasping her father’s trembling fingers. “It’s just that the livery feels different with Radford there. I don’t feel comfortable like I used to with you working beside me, and I don’t want to lose that.”

  “Maybe you need to. You haven’t let yourself care about anything else in years. You need to go out and visit friends once in a while. Have Kyle take you to a dance some Saturday night.”

  She didn’t dance. She didn’t have any friends other than Amelia and Agatha. She had the livery and her father. And feelings for Radford she didn’t understand.

  “I don’t care about those things, Papa. I’m happy here.” She kissed her father’s frail hand. “If Radford isn’t back at the mill by the end of summer, will you ask him to leave?”

  The life seemed to drain from her father’s eyes and he pushed his coffee cup away with a sigh. “You may as well cut out my heart. I love that boy. He’s been through hell most people couldn’t even imagine. If the livery is that important to you, then I wish to God I’d never owned it. Because now it owns you.”

  o0o

  Evelyn plunked the saddle and bridle on the fence wishing she’d never approached her father about getting Radford out of the livery. It had crushed him to think he may have to choose between herself and Radford. She’d been unfair to her father, and to Radford. She shouldn’t have condemned him for wanting to protect Rebecca. He was a good father, shortsighted maybe, but Evelyn should have realized it was his fear that made him so harsh with Rebecca, and held her temper in check.

  Sighing, Evelyn climbed between the rails and gave a short, shrill whistle for the bay-colored, snip-nosed yearling. He trotted to her on spindly legs and she lifted her palm to give him a lump of sugar. It was then that Evelyn saw Rebecca near the fence, clutching her yellow blanket, watching.

  “Daddy’s in the barn with a man,” Rebecca said shyly.

  Knowing he was with a customer, Evelyn crossed the paddock, wondering if Radford knew his daughter was outside. Rebecca's gaze followed the colt as he picked at tufts of grass along the fence, and Evelyn realized she had an opportunity to lessen Rebecca’s fear of horses. “Would you like to pet Jake?”

  Rebecca eyed the colt, but she didn’t move.

  Evelyn squatted beside Jake and waited for Rebecca to decide, hoping the incident with Gus wouldn’t give her a lasting fear of horses. The child's steps were hesitant, but to Evelyn’s delight, she came. Rebecca took her finger from her mouth and tentatively touched Jake's forelock. He lifted his head and knocked her hand away, causing her to step back.

  “That's his way of playing.” Evelyn held her hand flat with palm facing upward. “Hold your hand like this and let him smell you so he knows who you are. Then you can give him a treat.”

  When Rebecca raised her hand, the yearling sniffed it then snorted in her palm. She gasped and jumped back, clasping her hand to her stomach.

  Evelyn chuckled and held out a lump of sugar. “Want to feed him a treat this time?”

  Rebecca's nod was hesitant, but she accepted the treat and held it out like Evelyn had shown her. Jake sniffed it, wiggled his whiskered lips over the lump, then pulled it into his mouth. Rebecca squeaked and scrubbed her hand against her belly as a breathless giggle escaped her.

  It was the first time Evelyn had ever heard Rebecca laugh. The sound was so innocent, so beautiful, it made her eyes sting. Oh, Radford, why aren’t you here to see this?

  Evelyn tugged Rebecca's blanket. “Since your daddy is busy, why don’t you sit on the railing and watch me train Jake?”

  Rebecca’s eyes lit up, but she hung back as Evelyn went to work. Minutes later, Evelyn saw her creep a short distance into the paddock where she squatted, finger in mouth, to observe.

  “Will he kick me?” Rebecca asked.

  “No, honey. Horses are beautiful, gentle animals.” Evelyn squatted beside Rebecca. “The only reason Gus kicked at you was because you frightened him.”

  Rebecca’s brow furrowed. “He was scared?”

  Evelyn nodded. “He was hurt by a boy. Now he’s afraid of people. It’s going to take time for him to trust us again so you need to stay away from Gus unless I’m with you.”

  “Daddy would be mad.”

  A soft laugh escaped Evelyn. “Yes, he would. But only because he’s afraid Gus will hurt you.”

  “Do I have to go inside now?” Rebecca asked, her eyes lingering on Jake as she squatted in the middle of the paddock, her small bottom touching the ground.

  “I like having you here,” Evelyn said, unable to send her away. She held Jake’s reins out to Rebecca. “Want to help me?”

  Excitement illuminated Rebecca's eyes and she stood up, clenching her hands in front of her belly. “How?” she asked, entranced by the colt.

  “Just hold on to these for me.” Evelyn slipped the reins into Rebecca’s small hands and showed her how to grip them, then watched from the corner of her eye while setting up step blocks.

  The sound of wood clunking drew Jake forward and Rebecca's eyes flew open. She clutched the reins to her chest and gritted her teeth, her gaze flying to Evelyn with frightened uncertainty.

  Evelyn nearly laughed at Rebecca’s surprised expression, but was too touched by the child's determination and her obvious desire to succeed at the job she was given.

  “Whoa, Jake,” Evelyn commanded from her squatted position and, thankfully, the colt obeyed.

  Jake picked at tufts of grass, wandering from patch to patch while Rebecca followed with the reins clenched in her tiny fists. When Evelyn finished laying out the course, she stood and dusted off her hands. “Walk toward me and he'll follow you.”

  Uncertainty flared in Rebecca’s eyes, but she took two halting steps, checking over her shoulder with each one to see if Jake followed. When the colt lifted his head and trailed along, Rebecca's face beamed with such confidence it warmed Evelyn clear to her bootla
ces. She too felt as though she had accomplished something special.

  Evelyn placed her hands over Rebecca’s and showed her how to walk Jake through the course. After the first pass, she let Rebecca do it on her own. After three mostly successful trips, Evelyn knelt beside the smiling little girl who was stealing her heart. “You were wonderful, sweetheart.”

  Rebecca pulled at the front of her dress and rocked onto the outside edge of her shoes. “I like Jake.”

  “He likes you, too. That’s why he’s sniffing your pocket. He wants a treat.”

  Rebecca’s expression fell. “I don’t got one.”

  “I do.” She reached in her worn shirt pocket and pulled out a small apple. “Do you remember how I showed you to feed him?”

  Rebecca’s nod was full of enthusiasm. “Like this,” she said, making her hand flat.

  “That’s right.” The apple dwarfed Rebecca’s hand. “Don’t let him nibble your fingers. It hurts.”

  Rebecca giggled and turned eagerly to Jake.

  When Evelyn stood to remove Jake’s halter, she saw Radford leaning against the fence watching them with an odd, lonely expression on his face. Dread pulsed through her and her stomach flipped. Dear God, she prayed silently, don’t let him spoil Rebecca’s happiness. Don’t let him crush the first rays of confidence that light her eyes.

  Not wanting Rebecca to overhear in case Radford was upset, Evelyn slipped the bridle off Jake and pointed to the railing near the barn. “Would you hang this on that fence rail for me?”

  Rebecca proudly grasped it with both hands, held it to her chest, and walked away, her hair bouncing softly against her back.

  Evelyn lifted the saddle free and walked to the opposite side of the paddock where Radford stood, silent and watchful. She parked the saddle over the railing, resting her hand on soft leather. “I thought you’d rather have her with me than wandering off alone. I noticed you weren’t outside with her.”

  “I was watching, like you suggested.” A light shadow of whiskers dusted his jaw and lent a rugged edge to his handsome face. His gaze held Evelyn’s, probing, searching, seeming to look right into her soul. “It’s not Rebecca who’s afraid, is it?” he asked quietly. “I knew that’s what you were trying to tell me yesterday, but I didn’t want to hear it. You were right, Evelyn. It’s my own fear I can’t get past.”

  Evelyn had never heard the despair and regret that filled Radford’s voice, and it fed her guilt for being the cause of his heartache. “I shouldn’t have said those things.”

  Radford turned toward the mid-September breeze and raked his hair off his damp forehead. “I was the one who said things I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry about that. When I saw Rebecca on the ground, my heart stopped. I’ve never felt that kind of fear.” His eyes met hers. “Not even in the war.” He sighed and shook his head. “I was angry, too. Only I realized I wasn’t angry with you or Rebecca. It was my own shortcomings I was fighting. It’s hard to admit that I’ve been a lousy father, but I have.”

  Evelyn’s gaze shot to his. “You’re a wonderful father.”

  “No I’m not.” His eyes sought Rebecca who was busy wrapping the reins around the railing. “But I want to be.” He placed his hand over Evelyn’s, trapping it between his callused palm and the saddle horn. “Will you help me?”

  His hard, warm palm felt good and Evelyn wondered if Radford sensed her reaction to him.

  “I don’t know how to make Rebecca laugh,” he said, as though giving his final confession, his eyes sad. “I’m failing her.”

  Ashamed, Evelyn realized how deeply she’d hurt him with her angry words. “I'm sorry I made you feel this way. I had no idea I would cause so much harm.”

  His lips tilted in a sad smile and he ran his thumb across her knuckles. “You know, it’s been months since I’ve heard Rebecca laugh. I can't buy her the happiness you've given her today. I wouldn’t have understood that if you hadn’t challenged me to notice. Thank you for giving me some much-needed advice.” His expression softened. “You're the only one Rebecca has had anything to do with since I've been home. Ma is crushed that her own granddaughter won't let her cuddle her. Your father is just aching to get her on his knee.” Radford released Evelyn’s hand and leaned his elbows on the fence. “Rebecca seems to trust you. Even more than...” He cut himself off and glanced away.

  “I won’t hurt her, Radford.”

  His gaze returned to Evelyn’s and she saw him studying her, searching her eyes for something, lingering on her face until she felt the heat move up her neck. “I’m glad Rebecca has found someone to look up to.”

  The absurdity of the statement made Evelyn smile. “I'm hardly what you'd call a role model for a young girl. Believe me, I've been told as much by the ladies in Fredonia.”

  “Then they're fools.” His eyes held hers, communicating his sincerity.

  Warmth surged through Evelyn. That Radford would bother to look beyond her choice of clothing, past her feminine ineptness, deeper than the self-sufficient manner she wore like armor, was something no one else had ever done. Somehow, he saw beneath all that to the shy, vulnerable woman no one really knew. Not even Kyle.

  “When can we meet Tom and Martha’s little girl?” he asked.

  Evelyn’s chest expanded with hope. “You'll let me bring Helen home to play with Rebecca?” At Radford’s nod, Evelyn smiled. “I’ll go get her as soon as they return from visiting their relatives in Ohio.”

  “I hope it’s soon,” Radford said, watching Rebecca walk toward them. “I’ve got some making up to do.”

  Chapter Nine

  Since the day in the paddock, Radford had accepted Evelyn’s help with his daughter, and Rebecca had trailed Evelyn like a puppy ever since. She was full of questions and quick to imitate. Rebecca was opening up to Radford’s mother, as well, and despite being unrelated to Evelyn’s father, she’d given him the honorary title of “Grandpa,” which pleased him immensely. Rebecca had even let him read her a story and was now sleeping beside Evelyn’s father on the sofa.

  Seeing the spark return to her father’s eyes and the wariness disappearing from Rebecca’s filled Evelyn with a new sense of contentment as she knelt on the porch to help Kyle and Radford finish painting.

  Other than a brief greeting, they had remained silent while they worked. Typical men, Evelyn thought, dipping her brush then finishing the railing spindles, which by some pact the men wouldn’t touch. Though Evelyn was used to working without conversation, she had hoped that Radford and Kyle would talk to each other, if only to share old memories or discuss business at the mill. They grunted, sweated, and slugged down liquids by the gallon, but neither of them spoke two words throughout the evening. Evelyn shook her head, wondering how brothers could work shoulder to shoulder and be miles apart.

  “Your sleeve is marking the paint,” Kyle said, drawing Evelyn’s attention to him. He laid down his brush and rolled her cuff to her elbow with paint-speckled, efficient hands, his eyes focused on his task as if he were sharpening a saw or honing an ax, not touching the arm of the woman he was going to marry.

  Unconsciously, Evelyn gazed over his shoulder at Radford, whose muscled arms were bared to the shoulder. Crisp black hair lightly sprinkled his forearms and the backs of his hands. As he swirled his brush inside the pail, gathering the last of the paint onto the bristles, he glanced up and gave Evelyn a tired smile that made her stomach cinch.

  She ducked her face. Lord, she'd been having a time trying not to inspect Radford. Just the weight of his hand on her back as he stepped around her or the brush of his shoulder against hers while working beside her brought her senses bursting to life. Evelyn wondered why she hadn’t experienced those reactions with Kyle, but assumed it was because she’d touched him in some way just about every day of her life. Still, she found herself comparing Kyle's muscular build to Radford's lean body as they stroked their brushes across the last few slats of the floor.

  “I’ll be back in a minute to clean up,” Kyle said, ba
lancing his paintbrush across the top of the pail.

  With a relieved sigh, Evelyn sat back on her heels and watched him walk to the outhouse they used during the day when they were too dirty from work to use the necessary inside. Rubbing the back of her neck, she released a long, slow breath. She had to stop this. She couldn’t keep letting her eyes and mind wander to Radford. Yet, spending so much time together made it nearly impossible not to do so, especially after the argument they’d had over Rebecca that day in the paddock. Somehow Radford and Evelyn had revealed themselves to each other during those tense moments. Their angry words had stripped away their pretenses and left them vulnerable to each another. There was a depth to Radford she hadn’t known existed, deep wounds that still pained him. And he was afraid. He’d said he was failing as a father, but Evelyn sensed a deeper despair, a level of desperation buried beneath his heartbreaking confession.

  She closed her eyes and rolled her neck to release the tension. Radford’s secrets were none of her business.

  “You have paint on your chin, Evelyn.”

  Her eyes sprang open. Radford was watching her, wearing a tender smile. She lowered her face and wiped her chin across her lifted shoulder to avoid his eyes.

  “You've made it worse.”

  She used the bottom of her shirt to scrub her chin, then displayed her face for his inspection. “Gone?”

  His smile widened and Evelyn forgot about everything outside the realm of Radford’s face. There was something warm in his smile, something personal in the lazy way it developed, something in his eyes that said it was just for her. But his smile faded and Radford gave her a curious, probing look that made her tighten up inside.

  “You know, I wouldn’t have paired you and Kyle,” he said, surprising her with the unexpected comment. “I don't think I know two people who are more opposite than you.”