Evelyn thought of her livery in flames and it sickened her. “Those people must have been devastated.”
“The residents were furious and they came out to stop us. We tried to warn them off, but they were beyond reasoning. Most of them ended up crushed beneath the heels of our troops. That night became a repeat of every damn battle we saw. The yells, the shots, the sound of flying metal and screaming men. I couldn't stand it. The smoke burned my eyes and clogged my throat and I felt sick to my soul. I was sick to death of being forced to kill men. When I saw your father go down, my mind snapped. I killed the man who shot him. I felt like I'd climbed up out of the bowels of hell. I felt confused and out of control.” Radford turned tormented eyes to Evelyn. “I was going to kill myself then, but I didn't have the guts. I figured the Confederates owed me one so I ran straight into their ranks. It was supposed to be a swift end.”
“Oh, Radford,” Evelyn whispered, pressing her fingers to her mouth in horror. It was pitiful to think of Radford running toward his own death with welcoming arms.
“That’s why I couldn't stay here after the war. I didn’t deserve my father's pride. I didn’t deserve a medal when it was cowardice that made me run at Chancellorsville. And I didn’t deserve your father's respect.”
Evelyn lowered her hands. “My father loved you like his own son. As for courage, I don't believe you recognize it. You and Papa risked your lives in serving your country.”
“I served my own needs. I was never a hero.”
Evelyn stroked his hair. “It takes many traits to make a hero. It took courage to face an armed enemy. It was compassion that made you rail against such a waste. That's why I love you, Radford. You care about people. You shepherd the weak. It went against your beliefs to harm anyone. You’re a son worthy of his father's pride and his brother's admiration. You’re the hero my father called you.” Evelyn cupped his face. “And you’re the love of my life.”
Radford embraced her with such intensity Evelyn feared for her ribs, but she returned the hug, willing to break in half if it would give him back the freedom of his soul. And it felt too wonderful to have his arms around her again.
She kissed him, tenderly at first, then deeper, trying to heal him with her love. Her arms encircled his neck as Radford's hands glided down her back. He raised himself off the table and molded her body to his, deepening his kiss until it was slow and languid, giving vent to all the anguish and suffering of two hearts. They held each other, taking what they had been missing for so long.
Evelyn clung to Radford, twining her fingers in his hair. “Stay with me,” she said. Her fingers shook as they trailed down his sturdy neck and over his collarbone. She felt the hard beat of his heart beneath her palm. “Please don’t leave me tonight.”
“Now that you know the truth, do you still want to marry me?”
“Of course,” Evelyn said, then repeated her father’s words. “People don't choose who they love, Radford. Our hearts do. My head would have chosen Kyle, but my heart chose you.”
“I need a promise from you,” he said and Evelyn’s heart sank. “Don’t try to save me from my nightmares. Get Rebecca and go someplace safe until my mind clears.” He cupped her face, his eyes intense. “I mean it, Evelyn. I can’t bear the thought of hurting anyone again.”
Compassion filled her heart and she nodded. “I promise,” she said, knowing she could keep it. “But Radford, you aren’t going to have any more nightmares.” She caught his hands in hers. “You need to stop condemning yourself over things you can’t change. Be thankful for what we’ve found together. We've been blessed with something few people ever know. It's up to us whether we spend our lives feeling guilty for things we’ve done, or rejoicing that our hearts could sift through shades of honor to find this love.” She cupped Radford’s jaw. “We've been trying to make amends in all the wrong ways, Radford. What we need to do is to show Kyle that something this wonderful is worth waiting for. Someday he'll realize that there is a special woman out there just for him who will prove us right. And someday you’ll learn to forgive yourself and find the peace you deserve.”
“What do we do until then?” Radford asked, pulling her against him and tucking her head beneath his chin.
“We marry and begin our life together while Kyle heals. He'll work his way back to you. He just needs time.”
Chapter Twenty-eight
As if the fates had intentionally brought Evelyn and Radford together, their small wedding ceremony was blessed with a pristine dusting of snow. Inside, lanterns glowed in soft yellow hues and the iron stove radiated a cozy warmth for their twenty guests. Urns of coffee and steaming trays of food were piled high on Evelyn’s lace-covered table for the intimate celebration.
They stood before Pastor Ainslie and exchanged their vows. Radford’s throat closed when he placed the ring that would bind them for all time on Evelyn’s callused finger. Her hand trembled as she slipped the matching band onto his finger and he thought she had never looked more beautiful. She wore her emerald silk dress and had pulled her hair up in the loose cascade of curls that he remembered from the night he first made love to her.
Boyd nudged Radford in the ribs and Pastor Ainslie repeated his question. “I...I will,” Radford said, and Evelyn answered with a smile, her face radiant.
“I pronounce you man and wife,” the pastor said with a smile. “You may kiss your bride, Mr. Grayson.”
Radford ran his hands up Evelyn’s silk-encased arms eager to make love to her, yet glad he had abstained until making her his wife. With his thumb, he tilted her chin and met her eyes, knowing there was not an emerald in the world more beautiful than what he saw. “My wife,” he whispered, lowering his mouth to hers.
Evelyn read the silent promise in Radford’s eyes before he brushed her lips in a tender kiss. Though propriety kept them from deepening it, Evelyn’s heart swelled with love and passion as she looked at her handsome husband. He stood so proud and tall in his Prince Albert suit of black crepe. The white shirt collar contrasted with his dark hair and lent him an aristocratic air. Her gaze locked with his and Evelyn longed for privacy where they might give voice to the celebration in their hearts.
“Why is she crying?” Rebecca asked in a whisper that brought quiet laughter to the small group gathered around them.
Radford offered Evelyn his handkerchief and she laughed as she dabbed her eyes. Together they turned and knelt before Rebecca, who had been standing behind them with Duke, Boyd, and his mother. Radford pulled Rebecca into his arms and kissed her cheek, but it was Evelyn she struggled to reach. “Are you really my mama now?” she asked.
Evelyn’s eyes watered. “Yes, sweetheart, I really am.” She wrapped her arms around Rebecca, knowing this little girl would always hold a special place in her heart. They had both found someone who understood insecurity and doubt and the needs of a wounded soul. They would always be each other’s strength.
“Can we eat cake now?” Rebecca asked, and Evelyn laughed through her tears.
“As much as you want, but let’s say hello to our friends before we cut it,” she said, turning to their waiting guests.
Radford hugged his mother while Evelyn claimed Agatha. “I’m too old to be a matron of honor,” Agatha said, “but thank you for allowing me the pleasure.”
Evelyn smiled, but Boyd swept her into an enormous hug before she could respond. “Welcome to the family, sis.” He planted a loud kiss on her cheek and grinned at Agatha. “You’re next.”
Evelyn laughed and turned to Amelia, who gave her a hug. “I’m envious, but very happy for you.”
“Radford and I sacrificed something very important to have this,” Evelyn said, as they parted. “Save yourself some heartache and don’t ever make promises you can’t keep.”
“Like promising I’d take all of Missy’s kittens then not being able to get them away from Rebecca?” Amelia asked with a grin.
Evelyn laughed. “We both love them. Thank you, Amelia.”
Tu
rning to the rest of her waiting guests, Evelyn kissed Duke on the cheek and thanked him for giving her away. When she had him blushing, she hugged her new mother-in-law and explained that Radford and Rebecca had bought her the beautiful magnolia pin on her bodice. Martha and Tom Fisk were the next to offer their wishes, and by the time Evelyn kissed and hugged her way through their clan of children she was eager to find Radford.
He was standing at the kitchen window overlooking the wide, snow-covered yard. She slipped her arm through his knowing he was missing Kyle, the same as she was. “Is it okay if I say I miss him, too?”
Radford put his arm around her and pulled her against him. “A part of me is lost without him here.”
“Me, too, Radford, but it's not just Kyle. It's Papa and your father, too. I miss them all.”
Radford sighed and turned to his beautiful wife, knowing he should be standing here counting his blessings, not mourning his lost brother. This was his wedding day and it should be filled with laughter and love. Summoning every ounce of his resolve, he turned his heart toward giving his wife a day to remember. They played with Rebecca and Helen and joked with their guests while trying to ignore the dull ache in their chests from those absent.
As they cut their cake, Radford felt the sudden hesitation in Evelyn’s hand and saw the look of shock on her face. He followed her gaze and experienced his own jolt of disbelief.
Kyle stood in the doorway with a large package in his hands. It was obvious in the expressions of their guests that they didn't know what to expect any more than Radford did. Together they laid down the knife and went to meet Kyle.
“You came,” Evelyn said softly, as she reached for Kyle's hands.
He set the package aside and leaned it against the wall. “I couldn't miss my friend's wedding day.” He pulled her into his arms and embraced her, holding her for a long, tense moment while Radford and their guests looked on.
“Be happy,” he said near her ear then eased her away.
Though they had invited Kyle to the wedding, they hadn’t expected him to attend, and Radford was uncertain of his brother’s motivation. “I'm glad you came,” he said, offering Kyle a handshake.
Kyle stared at Radford’s trembling hand then slapped it away. Evelyn gasped and Radford thought she'd swoon on the spot, her pain for him apparent in her stricken expression.
“What kind of greeting is that for a brother?” Kyle asked, then to Radford’s amazement, Kyle put his strong logger’s arms around Radford's shoulders and thumped him hard on the back.
The devastation that had shaken Radford moments before suddenly burst into unequivocal joy. He clapped his brother on the back and they hugged with a fierceness that would have cracked the bones of lesser men. To have all of this— a family, a beautiful, loving wife, a precious daughter—was surely more than he deserved. Before Radford broke down in front of his guests, he bit his lip and released his brother.
Kyle cleared his throat. “I brought you something. I hope it’s appropriate.” He retrieved the package and handed it to Radford.
Radford glanced at Evelyn who was sagging against the table wiping her eyes. “Looks like I'll have to do the honors. Our girl is a bit pale.”
He peeled away a layer of brown paper to reveal a wooden sign engraved in large, charred letters that read:
Grayson’s Lumber and Timber Works.
Proprietors: Radford Grayson
Kyle Grayson
Duke Grayson
Boyd Grayson
Also burned into the sign were four small handaxes with the blades facing inward, each ax touching to form an unbroken square. Radford immediately recognized their significance. They represented the combined efforts of four brothers, the worth and strength of their brotherhood, the values their father had raised them with. And his name was listed first, in the honorary position held by the eldest.
He swung his disbelieving gaze to Kyle who now stood beside Duke and Boyd. “Don’t do this,” he said quietly, aware their guests were looking on, yet unable to accept so much when he’d let them all down.
“We planned to do this a while ago. We’ll hang it at the mill tomorrow.”
“Why, Kyle?”
“Because I’m tired of tripping over the damned thing.” Their gazes held for a moment, then Kyle opened the door. “You need some air.”
Radford followed him outside, away from the questioning eyes of their friends. They stopped on the porch and Radford groped for the words to express his gratitude. “I’ve made so many mistakes, I don’t even know where to begin apologizing.”
“I’ve made some, too, Radford. We can’t undo the past, but maybe we’ll find a way to start over.”
“Can you do that?” Radford asked, unable to believe Kyle could truly forgive him for what he’d done.
“I have to.” Kyle hooked an arm around Radford’s neck. “I’ll lose too much if I don’t.” Their eyes locked and Kyle gave Radford a hard squeeze. “Come on. I want a piece of that cake before Rebecca eats it all,” he said, then pushed Radford back inside the house.
o0o
Rebecca had left the house at nine-thirty in a whirl of excitement, thrilled that she could take her new doll to Helen’s for the night, but Boyd lounged in the parlor until midnight, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
Evelyn shook her head, knowing the rascal was delighting in keeping Radford from his wedding bed.
Finally Radford caught his brother by the shirt collar and escorted him to the door. “Good night.”
Boyd winked at Evelyn on the way outside, then saluted Radford through the window. They laughed at his purposeful dallying then turned toward each other.
“That boy is a pain in the hindside,” Radford said, rolling up the sleeves of his dress shirt.
“He loves baiting you.” Her gaze wandered to Radford’s open collar where dark hair peeped through.
“I know.” He smiled down at her, allowing her to see his love as his gaze moved seductively over her body. “But I was about to kill him. You are a beautiful bride, Mrs. Grayson.”
“You're the only man who's ever made me feel that way.”
“That’s part of loving someone,” he said, pulling her into his arms. “You bring out the beauty inside them that they can’t find on their own.” He kissed her temple. “Because of you, I'm beginning to feel free again.”
He lowered his mouth and Evelyn leaned into his embrace. The slow kiss, the lazy way he held her, stoked her need more than if he was crushing her to his chest. He reached down and lifted her in his arms, twirling her in a slow circle.
“I believe it is customary to carry the bride over the threshold, Mrs. Grayson. Would you mind if it's up the stairs instead?”
She twined her arms around his strong neck. “You'll break your back.”
“You’re worth it.” He grinned down at her and crossed the room, halting at the foot of the stairs. “Can you grab my valise for me?”
Evelyn caught the handle of his bag and nearly pulled herself from his arms. Amid much flailing and laughter, they managed to hang on to each other. “Maybe I’d better walk.”
“Not on your life.” Radford stumbled up the stairs and bumped against the railing, groaning in great exaggeration, until finally he stood gasping on the landing. “Too much...cake...for the bride,” he panted.
Evelyn’s laughter bubbled forth, echoing in the empty hallway. “I love you.”
“Show me our room,” he whispered in her ear.
She pointed to his door and Radford pushed it open with his foot, blinking in surprise at the transformation. Evelyn's bedroom suite had replaced the bed and dresser he’d used. A long, thick mauve rug ran the length of the bed and a candle burned on the nightstand. His old trunk was still in the corner, but several pictures now rested on the surface. Pictures of his parents and brothers and Rebecca, as well as Evelyn's parents.
Lying in front of them was a single pine bough with a huge red ribbon tied around it.
“The spr
ig of pine is to remind you where you came from,” Evelyn said quietly, “and the red ribbon is to remind you of who you are.” She stroked her palm across his cheek. “You’re a good man, Radford, and a wonderful father. That’s what a hero is made of.”
Radford looked down at her, his love threatening to burst his chest. “Thank you,” he whispered, lowering his mouth to hers. He let her body slide down the length of him until she was standing flush against him. Their bodies strained toward each other after being separated for such a painfully long time. Radford gloried in the knowledge that he would have a lifetime to love this woman.
He cupped her face between his hands, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I'll show you every day that you helped a man worthy of being saved.” He kissed her with slow deliberation. Every nuance of love that radiated between them was poured into that tender, heartrending kiss. It was filled with promises and dreams, with love and passion. For the first time, Radford experienced the peace of coming home. Having the love and support of his wife and family gave him the security to be himself and that was a freedom more precious than any gold.
He plucked the pins from her hair and released the fasteners and ribbons on her dress. He took the magnolia pin from her overskirt and placed it on the stand beside their bed, then pushed the gown off her shoulders. Overheated and eager, he stripped off her undergarments then moved his fingers over the hardened peaks of her bare breasts. Like fingers across guitar strings, Evelyn’s musical moans of pleasure were the sweetest song he'd ever heard.
He shed his clothes as they explored each other, touching, kissing, stoking the passions that raced through their bodies. “My wife,” he whispered, lowering her to the mattress where his hips moved to join them as man and wife. “My beautiful wife.”
Shades of Honor Page 25