by Lee Lynch
“Tell me about it.”
“Do you really want to hear it?”
“Of course I do. I never took acid. You know, I think I got your number lady.” Victoria looked alarmed. “You’re shy. It’s not because you go to Yale or you just came out. You’re scared to open your mouth. Are you shy?”
Victoria tried to muster her detachment, to pull away from Turkey and say that she was reticent and introspective, but didn’t think she was shy. But while she was struggling with herself, Turkey answered, “Of course you are. And I’m being a klutzy slob again making you admit it. I’m sorry. I’m just glad I feel I know you a little better. You don’t have to tell your story. I won’t push you. But you know I never knew a good-looking woman could be shy? I used to be. Shy that is. I was never good-looking,” she laughed loudly. “But I overcame it. You know how? I decided the hell with everybody. I’m alright. If they don’t like it, that’s their loss. So,” she ended, toasting Victoria with the tiny hash pipe, “that’s sob-sister Marieanne’s advice for the night. Hey, would you guys finish up and come help us get stoned?”
Annie was on her way. Her army jacket looked comforting to Victoria against the light of the fire. She sat next to Victoria and hugged her briefly. “What do you mean I deny her pleasures?”
“Because I’ve never smoked,” Victoria admitted.
Annie looked surprised. “Do you want to?”
“Will I like it?” she asked, wondering where in the world her need for independence had gone. She watched Annie take the pipe and draw on it, then hold her breath as she passed it to Victoria who suddenly felt like an awkward child. Soon, though, the four of them were giggling softly and smiling at one another.
“This is really mellow stuff,” Peg observed, rolling back onto her sleeping bag which was arranged, like the others, feet toward the fire.
“Knocks you on your ass,” Turkey gurgled, rolling over into Peg.
“Watch out, lady, Eleanor would be livid with jealousy if she saw you curling up with me.”
“My intentions are so platonic I’m embarrassed. Too bad she couldn’t make it, though.”
Annie laughed. “Are you kidding? We couldn’t pry her away from Dusty. El really wants that to work out. After all, they’ve been together almost two months now and Dusty’s everything she’s been looking for. Except you, Peglet.”
“And you, Heaphy. Aren’t you jealous, Vicky?”
Victoria faced Annie. “Oh, no,” she answered very quietly, studying the cut of Annie’s face, the pale, pale skin covering her bones like a still-forming baby’s face, the blue eyes as gentle and surprised as an infant’s. She reached up and played with her fine hair. “Where’s your hat?”
“I never wear it when I smoke. Makes me itchy.”
“It’s nice to see you without it sometimes. It changes you. Makes you softer.”
“Why do you think I wear it?” Annie growled.
“Oh, but what’s wrong with your softness? I love it.”
“I get stepped on too much. You won’t step on me. I hope.”
“I won’t.” Victoria said quietly, then mouthed the words, “I promise.” She turned away from Annie saying, “Turkey, you were right, I like hash.” But Turkey was still and silent.
“I’m falling out too,” Peg said, moving to roll Turkey inside her bag.
Annie said, “Me and Vicky will go in the bedroom, Peglet. This fire will go out soon.”
“Not if I can help it,” Peg grunted, zipping Turkey in.
“Can we keep it going all night? Here,” Annie offered, “I’ll put more wood on. We’ll rejoin you later and build it up again then.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Vicky, come here,” Annie gestured. “Let’s tuck Peglet in.”
“Now, I’m a big girl. That’s not at all necessary.”
“No, but it’s nice,” Victoria admonished her, fluffing up Peg’s pillow.
Annie leaned over and kissed Peg on the cheek. “Night, gym teacher.”
“Goodnight, Peg,” Victoria kissed her on the other cheek and stayed a moment, holding Annie’s hand across Peg’s covered body, their other hands on Peg’s shoulders.
Peg covered both their hands with hers. She looked into Victoria’s eyes, gentle looking behind the reflections of the fire in her glasses. “You be good to my woman, here, Vicky. She needs someone to take care of her. She’s just a tough kid behind it all, you know.”
“I’ll do everything I can to help her stay a tough kid, Peg. I like her, too.”
“Can it, you two,” Annie scowled.
They all laughed softly, careful not to wake Turkey who had begun to snore. Annie and Victoria gathered their sleeping bags and walked hand in hand away from the fire.
* * * * *
The next morning Annie threw their sleeping bags over an improvised clothesline to get rid of the night’s dampness. The sun was beginning to brighten and warm the gentle spring day. Annie leaned against a tree for a moment, staring back over the climbing road that led to the cabin. The main road and general store were hidden, but farther off was a steeple and the interruptions in clusters of trees which indicated a town. She yearned to sneak off there to find a place where she and Vicky could live surrounded by the peace she was finding in the countryside’s isolation. Being in Vermont was like drawing a shade upon the real world. No one would be able to see them and they would not have to see anything they did not want to see. Alone and at peace they could continue to explore each other without having to deal with the outer shell that came up when they were exposed to the real world. Annie knew her dream was impossible, even undesirable, since even they could not sustain pure joy forever. Better that unhappiness come from outside themselves than that they find it in each other.
She sighed, feeling the tree’s bark rough yet comforting under her hand. A bush full of small red berries drew her eyes. First she had wanted someone to love and now that she had found her it was not enough, she thought, trying to encourage herself to be happy at her good fortune. Now I want a place to protect our love, to make sure it can grow. I want to make it so irresistible for Vicky to stay with me that she’ll never have cause to go. The bars are no place for us. My house, she thought heavily, is temporary. And now that part of my life feels better I can’t be driving a cab all hours of the day and night. What a trap, she thought. Either you’ve got nothing to treasure or you’re inadequate once you find it. A light touch on her wrist made her worries disappear immediately. She brought her wrist with Vicky’s hand still on it to her lips. Vicky’s hand turned over sending heat surging into Annie’s chest. She caught her breath and began to kiss Vicky’s palm, then drew her closer. They both leaned against the tree, Annie marvelling that such a beautiful woman should find her desirable. The smile their closeness brought to Vicky’s face, a smile as clear as the water from a spring, as surprised as a child getting a present, as pleased as a woman who’s found love, bowled Annie over each time she saw it. That she could make such a woman happy amazed her each time she thought of it.
“Breakfast was just about done when I came to look for you.”
“Good. This country air makes me hungry.”
“Turkey’s really good at cooking on that old fireplace.”
“Turkey’s good at cooking anywhere.”
“Maybe we should all open up a restaurant up here. And a lodge. Just for women.”
Annie stopped at the steps to the cabin. “Now there you have it. I’ve been trying to think of a way to stay up here too. To buy a little house no one could take from me.”
“Have you? Wouldn’t it be wonderful?” Victoria beamed. Then she frowned. “But how would we ever. . . ?”
“Oh, it’s just fun to imagine. To dream of making a place for us somewhere beautiful, among other women. Safe.”
“Anne, we will. I know it’s something we can do.” Annie watched Victoria draw herself up full of the determination she must have inherited from her pioneer ancestors. “Let’s just keep thinking abo
ut it until we come up with a way.”
Annie laughed, “‘There’s a place for us, somewhere a place for us . . .,’” she sang weakly, smiling. “Shall I sing Maria too?”
“No, silly duckling, but maybe we can form a gang and call ourselves the Jets—and spell it J-e-t-t-e-s!”
“Duckling!” Annie fussed. “Where did that come from?”
Victoria ran her hand through Annie’s hair. “From all this downy stuff on top of your head! Say you’ll be my duckling, please!”
“Only if you promise never to say it in public,” Annie muttered as they entered the dark cabin. “It’s colder in here than outside!”
“Then open the windows and get your ass over here to eat before it gets cold.”
“What, Turkey? It’s not gone already?”
“Never mind the Turk. I was ready to eat it all myself,” Peg called. “How are you doing this morning, Vicky? You look like Turkey’s snoring didn’t keep you awake.”
“I didn’t even notice it.”
“Impossible, girl. Stop being so polite,” Turkey said. “Here’s your flapjacks.”
“I heard you, Turkey, and if you weren’t such a good cook, we’d have to expel you from the business,” Annie threatened as she took a seat.
“What business? Now what are you dreaming about?”
“Fame, fortune, beautiful women,” Annie toasted to Victoria with her coffee mug full of tea. “Let’s all open a gay ski lodge and restaurant up here.”
“Sure.”
“I mean it. You can be the recreation director, Peg.”
“And Turkey the cook?”
“Yes, and Vicky the manager and I’ll drive people to and from the train station.”
“What train station?” Turkey laughed.
“We’ll persuade them to stop wherever we open up.”
Peg cleared her dishes from the table and picked up Turkey’s. “And where are we going to find all these rich lesbians who can afford to ski weekends?”
“It won’t really be a ski lodge,” Victoria joined in to develop the fantasy further. “It’ll be a place where women can go with other women for whatever.”
“Like a winter women’s center?” Turkey laughed again.
“Exactly,” said Annie. “Don’t do those dishes. Vicky and me will take our turns too.”
“And interrupt the honeymoon?”
“Cut it out, Turkey. We could have facilities for meetings and conferences.”
“A bar,” Peg added.
“A gourmet restaurant,” Turkey expanded.
“A showcase for women artists and a stage for performers,” said Victoria.
“Courses to keep them during the week,” Annie suggested.
“Films,” Victoria nodded, “and a women’s book and art store.”
“An exercise room,” Peg clapped, excitedly.
“A honeymoon suite,” Turkey laughed, nudging Annie who grabbed the sugar from the table and turned it almost upside down over Turkey’s head until Peg took it from her.
“We’ll never get this thing together if you two don’t stop fooling around,” she admonished them.
“Why don’t we find the town,” Annie proposed, “and check it out for sites.”
Turkey leaned back in her chair. “We’ll have to make up a flag so we can plant it and claim it in the name of. . . .”
“The New Haven Jettes,” Victoria finished, looking at Annie who began to sing, “‘When you’re a Jette, you’re a Jette all the way. . . ’”
Peg took up the words in a more tuneful voice. “‘From your first cigarette . . .’”
“‘To your last dying day!’” Turkey hollered unmusically. “And we’ll call it the Jette Inn! Classy, huh?”
“Maybe too classy,” Peg criticized. “For us. What do you think, Vicky?”
Victoria handed the dishes to Annie as she scraped them. “I don’t think it’s overly classy, but perhaps unrealistic.”
“Hitch Inn is more our speed,” Annie agreed.
Turkey began to laugh. “With everything that would go wrong if we had a project, that would be a perfect name.”
“Let’s not jinx ourselves, ladies,” Peg laughed too, sweeping pine needles out the front door.
Victoria blushed. “How about, Let’s Be Inn?”
It took a moment for everyone to understand the pun. They all stopped working to consider the name.
“Wow,” Turkey breathed. “That’s it! The name is too good to pass up. Let’s go look for it!”
Hiding behind her hair again, Victoria looked pleased. Annie sought out her eyes as Turkey and Peg went to the car. “I told you they like you.”
“I was only kidding about that name.”
“You didn’t want to say it at all, did you?”
“I’m not used to the word yet.”
“You will be. Lesbian. You’ll hear it as a curse, as a compliment, as pornography, scholastically, and said with love. It’s a beautiful word,” Annie assured her, cupping Victoria’s jaw with her hand, tenderly.
“Kind of erotic.”
“Oh, yes. Definitely erotic.”
“They’re waiting for us.”
Annie laughed. “The lesbians?”
Victoria blushed again. “Yes,” she stuttered, “the Let’s Be Inns.”
They descended on the town like four warriors of Boudica seeking food for their hungry people. They rejected the tiny shopping centers on the outskirts for the old brick and stone buildings of the town. High on big plans they invaded all the public buildings, creating excitement in the library, the hardware store and the restaurant. While the others had coffee the straightest looking of them, Victoria, went into the realtor’s office to check on commercial properties. By this time, she, too, was disheveled from spending a night almost outdoors and without her accustomed toiletries. Back she came to them, Annie gasping at her new wild beauty, hair streaming behind her in the breeze, jacket over her shoulder under the noon sun, shoes and jeans muddied from wood-gathering.
“Nothing,” she said, out of breath and dropping beside Annie in the booth. While a country singer sang tinnily in the jukebox she explained, “I think he must have heard we were coming. Surely there’s something in all these acres. But he showed me what he said were all his listings and there were no buildings we could convert and there wasn’t a bit of land correctly zoned that was appropriate for building.” The waitress brought her a cup of tea and she paused to fix the tea bag. “He suggested we try up in the next county because they’re looking for tourist business.”
“Did you tell him we were thinking of something private, like a club, membership only deal?” Annie asked.
“Yes. He said he didn’t know anything about the Vermont laws on things like that. He also asked where we were getting our capital.”
“Did you tell him?”
“I didn’t know what to tell him. I figured we’d need loans. I could get a loan on my savings.”
“Savings?” Turkey snorted derisively.
“I’m afraid mine wouldn’t guarantee a car loan, never mind a property deal,” Peg said, resting her chin on her hands.
“What about your family?” Annie ventured softly.
Victoria looked sharply at her. “What about them?”
“Would they help you start a business?”
“Is that what you’re all hoping?” Victoria asked in an aggrieved tone, looking at all of them. “Suddenly the whole project rests on my financial worth?”
“Well, no,” Annie defended herself quickly. “It was just a thought.” Turkey and Peg grunted their embarrassed agreement with Annie.
Victoria looked at each of them as if she were about to cry. “I can’t get them involved in this. They don’t even know about you, Anne. Besides, I don’t want any help from them.”
There was a silence. Then disappointment like a fog settled over them. Victoria noticed that the booth was patched and the men at the counter kept staring their way, especially at her. She
jumped when Annie reached to touch her arm. Turkey fell over Peg trying to leave quietly for the bathroom.
“It’s not that anybody was expecting you to ask your family, Vic,” Peg explained tentatively. “Nobody even mentioned you. I guess we all had the feeling that there was someone among us who knew how to get money.”
Victoria stared at the cooling tea she was stirring. “I just feel—used.”
“Oh, no, you shouldn’t, Vicky,” Annie protested.
“But I do. It’s not your fault. I think it was my expectations. That you saw me as just one of you. I was just letting my guard down, believing that. But I should know better.”
“But, Vicky, you’ve got to understand. We weren’t trying to use you or anything. You have to admit that you are different from us,” Peg confronted her sympathetically.
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“Vicky,” the sun was in Peg’s eyes, making her face look even more strained that it was, “there’s nothing wrong with your difference. We’re all different from each other in other ways. It’s just that you come on so together and so knowledgeable about the real world. I don’t know, I guess I just assumed you’d be able to help get something like this off the ground.”
Tears crawled down Victoria’s face, doubly embarrassing her. “I’m so sorry I’m carrying on like this. I know you meant no harm. Can we leave?” she asked, turning to Annie.
“Sure, my love,” Annie soothed her. “Of course. Here, you go outside and I’ll pay.”
Victoria stood facing the sun, trying to absorb some of its energy to make herself stronger. How could they, she thought, humiliated and furious. And Anne. Oh, Anne, to treat me like this, like—like what I am, she considered. Her mind was silent as Annie joined her, trying to grasp what was happening. They walked to a bridge and down the embankment next to it. Peg had waited behind for Turkey. “I love you, Vicky.”
Victoria looked out from under her drying tears at Annie’s earnest, pleading face. “I suppose I want to be sure that you do love me and not just my parents’ child. Or my grandparents’ child, since they’re the ones with the money. I don’t mean to sound as though I’m fighting off gold diggers. I’ve never even thought of that, but I hope you don’t love me for being things that you’re not. Do you know what I mean?”