by H. Ward
As I get my toiletries in plastic baggies my hand brushes the bottle with my boosters. I start. I realize I haven’t had any boosters for two months. I had taken them sometimes when Jason first came back from Berlin to settle my nerves. Then I just forgot about them. I try to push down the vision of me breaking out of the hospital with an IV in my arm. Could I have been that girl just a few months ago? And now I’m not even taking any? I do what I have learned from my new boyfriend, I push the thoughts of my being dependent on drugs out of my mind and keep on with my packing.
This shoot is exhausting, my legs ache from standing so long; but the pictures have come out wonderful again. Aldo says there is serious talk now of my being picked up as a spokesperson along with a celeb for a makeup line. I’m not sure how well my super-white skin will work for a large makeup line, but I’m up for anything that headlines me, and working with a TV or movie celeb is going to great things for my reputation.
Aldo is booking Christmas shoots already. We start doing those in early September, so I’ll be extremely busy for the next month. I rub my feet and relax in my hotel room. I left the wrap party early, now I am just relaxing before bed, waiting for my short phone call. I guess it is my lifeline now. Then a thought slams into my mind. Oh God! What am I going to do about the holidays?
I usually book a trip to Aspen and spend the time in the midst of A-listers. I have a pre-holiday dinner with Daddy and take off so I get to spend the day in the middle of big and bustling crowds around the exclusive ski resort. But now there is Jason. I sure don’t want him around my dad, I don’t see him enjoying the crush and madness of Aspen.
I frown. Well, can’t solve it now. I’m not going to bring it up on the phone, so I’ll wait until Jason is in London and see what his plans for the holidays are.
Then I realize that while I have kept Jason away from my own parents and not really talked about them; he has done the same. No talk at all about his family. Just brief details about his investments. All we do is talk about our current thoughts and feelings and the things going on in the world right now. About how we would react or how we would do certain things differently than how other people are handling things—but nothing about our past. Now that I think about that, this seems really odd.
I bet Jason is hiding something too. Well, I don’t mind who or what his parents are. I know better than anyone that we don’t choose our parents, we get what we get. I’m falling in love with him because of who he is and how he treats me, mostly for how I feel when I am with him. Is that selfish? I don’t know, but that is how I feel right now.
I fall asleep in the strange hotel room thinking of how I will forgive Jason for keeping his secrets from me. That I will mention how he was not angry with me when I told him my real name wasn’t Leah, that it was only my middle name and the name I used on the website. Actually he not only wasn’t mad at me, he said that was a very good idea and good to keep all my personal information like my name, job and where I lived totally a secret from the site and any strangers.
So I can do the same for him. When he finally comes clean about whatever he is embarrassed about or ashamed of, I will generously forgive him and make him feel my love and understanding. I actually get to be the good guy, so now I am looking forward to being able to show him how caring I can be.
Still, when Jason hits town he acts like normal, so I don’t have a chance to bring up my forgiveness right away. I am not sure how to bring it up, I realize I have never been in any relationship where I really cared about the other person, cared how they would feel about a touch situation; that included my two failed relationships as well as family and friends. Not one person has ever been close enough where I would reach out and help them through a hard time. So I am at a loss as how to bring up I know he is hiding something, and that I am not going to be judgmental. That he will feel better after he tells me. Well, I’ll let it go for now and enjoy the night.
Late September in London is really a lovely time. The heat of summer is gone. The rain seems to let up for a little bit, and strolling in the city is comfortable and fun. Tonight Jason has booked us in a murder/mystery dinner and interactive play. I rolled my eyes at first. Sounded really cheesy. But now we are being welcomed into an old mansion by a butler and stand in the foyer with a glass of Champaign and look at a few other couples her for the fun also. I start to feel a little excitement thinking any one of them could be the murderer we are supposed to clue out.
For the night I decided to wear a full length halter dress. Full length because it is slightly chilly, but also I want a long skirt to help cover me in case I have to run and I fall or trip or whatever. I made sure my panties match the rust red color of the dress. I often do not wear a bra, but tonight I have the same color bra on in a strapless model. It smushed my boobs, so they are not as showcased as I usually like, but by now I know that I don’t have to look perfect for Jason, he still shows me how much he desires me. It is kind of liberating to wear the types of clothes I want and not worry that I am picking the perfect panties, perfect bra and flawless outfit. I can just put on what is going to feel and function the best for me and go.
As I sip my bubbly drink, more couples arrive. I’m not good at simple chit chat with strangers, but everyone else seems to be in an excited and good mood and it seems easy to chat and talk about the mansion and the décor and when we think we will encounter “the dead body.” Soon we are all talking like a group of friends. They seem impressed but not overly so that I am a supermodel, laughing that I certainly have the looks for it and then asking if I have ever been to a mystery night like this. So they nod about my career and then go on to the fun stuff. Interesting. I like it. I am having fun and I am not the center of attention.
I am smiling and so is Jason as we are led into the formal dining room and sit around a huge oak table. We don’t have to wait long for the clues to begin. There is a head where the prime rib should have been which is reveled when the cover is pulled off by a waitress who screams and faints. We all crowd around and the fun begins.
Cheesy start? Well it was pretty silly and obvious. Head served up in a platter. I can’t explain how that actually added to the fun and excitement. I guess we needed something familiar to start us off.
I admit some of the time it was a little creepy, and then I would press up against Jason so that he was covering my back. We wondered through the whole mansion, finding body parts here and there and trying to put together clues. No one stood out as a leader, but we all seemed to move in a human herd by silent agreement. Which was fine, I was middle of the pack with my wonderful boyfriend right behind me.
Some accountant solved the murder and held the mole who was pretending to be a fellow diner at candlestick point until the butler “called the police” and he was taken away. We all laughed and were taken back to the dining room for a delicious dessert. Again, I was just one of a crowd that night, finding a clue or two like all the rest, but not standing out. I can’t believe I had so much fun and laughed and screamed so much.
I am actually so tired on the way home that I kick off my shoes and recline my little leather seat back. I fall asleep with a smile on my lips. Something wakes me up. Oh, we are completely still. I open my eyes and see Jason staring at me. I move my head a little in his direction.
“Did you have fun tonight?”
“Oh, yes. That was a hoot! I think we should do that again.”
“We really should, they only have them once a month. I thought you would like a group of people like that: smart and still fun-loving. They all seemed to like you.” He is stroking my arm softly.
“I know, I can’t believe how easy they were to talk to when I thought at first we would have nothing in common.”
“You just have to pick the right type of people to hang out with. You will find a lot of people in this world are people you can like, and trust.”
I nod. He continues, “So we maybe can catch a few a year when our schedules work out. I think that would be fun too.”<
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I love when he drops some serious thoughts and then lets it go and starts talking about normal things and making plans again. It helps me by giving me time to think about what he said and how it relates to me. I’ll have to figure out why I had such a good time tonight with a roomful of strangers when I have no idea if they are rich, or famous, or anything like that. All I knew was their thoughts and expectations about the night. It was fun, there was no pressure or attention on me, and yet I felt like I was a part of the whole group.
We capped the night off with a walk in Piccadilly Circus and then home for some sweet, slow, love making. I drift off to sleep in a state of calm that I don’t remember I have ever felt before.
CHAPTER 8: I HATE THEM ALL
I’ve been in London a week now. Holiday plans are weighing on my mind, even though they are two months off. Dad’s called me a few times now; I keep waiting until I know he is on a film set or off at golf and leave a message in response to whatever message he leaves me. I know I’m being a coward, but I really want to talk to Jason first, even before I tell my dad about Jason and I because I am not sure how Dad will react to my being in a real relationship. I think the worse thing would be Dad not caring and not reacting at all.
Mom’s calls are easier. She’s been calling about once a month now, and she is happy to do all the talking. I am happy to let her. I’ll tell her about my relationship after I see how Dad reacts.
Jason’s calls are still short and sweet and they are now like my oxygen. One little call and I can get through the next 24 hours with no problem. He is due in later this week. I make an appointment at the spa for a body wrap tomorrow. I plan to sweat any extra pounds out of me and drink cucumber juice all day.
There’s a knock on my door! That can only be Jason or Dad; George would call up before letting anyone else past his door. My heart is beating faster as I hope it is Jason. I rush to the door.
There is Heath. Great.
“Hi Dad. What’s up?”
“We’ve been playing phone tag too long, I figured I would drop over while we are both in town.”
“Come on in,” I kind of give a resigned sigh.
“So what has kept you so busy?”
Always straight to the point. What a pain my parents are. I have nothing to run interference today.
“Nothing today. Spa day tomorrow. Why?”
“I’ve just been worried about you.”
“I’ve been busy. Haven’t you seen the magazines Aldo sent you?”
“Oh, yes. You are doing great. There is big buzz about your career. Your shoots are doing fine. I just mean how are you doing? You know, about how you ended up in the hospital?”
Damn.
“Why the hell do you have to bring crap up every single time we talk? Why can’t you just let me enjoy my life?”
I turn and stomp off to the living room.
Heath follows me, of course.
“You can’t just ignore your problem. I think you need to go to rehab or something. You need to get better.”
“I have been better. You’d know if you weren’t such a busy man. If you ever spent time with me like a real dad. For your information, I haven’t done any drugs in months now. Stone sober. So shove it. Now get the hell out of my house.”
“I pay the rent here, and I want to get to the bottom of this.”
“Bottom of what? I just told you, now leave.” I am screaming now.
“You can say you are sober, but that’s what all addicts say. I want you checked out by a professional.”
“ADDICT!” I pick up a vase and huck it right at his head. Old habits die hard.
Heath ducks and the loud shattering sound is very satisfying to me. It has also caused him to shut up for a minute. Then it really gets nasty. We both scream and curse at each other; I throw a few more things until Heath finally backs to the door.
As he is leaving I hit him with one more knife. “If you were any kind of real dad, you would know I have been in a relationship for months now. That’s why I’m sober. Because Jason is doing what you and mom never could, he cares about me!”
As I slam the door in his puzzled face I hear him mutter, “Jason?”
* * *
Wow what a scene.
The only way to handle that is just what I do. I go shopping. Nothing relieves stress as well as spending a bundle and coming home draped in pretty packages.
Now, hours after that screaming match, I am heading home with my arms full of pretty colored bags and lots of tissue paper sticking out of the top. A rainbow of satisfaction.
George holds the door for me. I smile at him. I’m all back to normal now. My new normal, which is smiling at George and I learned how satisfying it is to actually send him lunch once in a while…a little way to say thank you. I also plan to give him and the maid, I can’t remember her name, a nice holiday bonus.
I clean up all the glass and pottery around my place. I’m fine with that, because I’ve got some really pretty and expensive clothes to put away so that balances out the loss of some expensive pottery. Then one thing Heath said hits me; he pays for this apartment. Yes he does. And if he thinks that entitles him to barge in and harass me, he has another thing coming.
I’ll settle this issue today!
I change into a pretty pant and jacket set of white and black geometric patterns. I put a red silk shirt on to really pop out from the black and white. This is about the only way I wear true red. Mom made very clear how terrible most red shades look against hair like mine. Rust and browns are ok, but real reds wash out my hair. But with a different color on the jacket collar, the red won’t be noticed and compared directly to my hair. I like red, I have almost none of it in my closet.
I am going over to my dad’s and get the apartment put in my name. I’ll just get his paperwork and then figure out who the agent is, then I’ll take over. I don’t need him. Sure it’s a lot of money, it will take me longer to become a billionaire, but I’ll have some peace of mind.
Heath has a big house in a gated community because he is a big shot movie star. Have to keep the rabble and the paparazzi out. My cab pulls up to the front, I tell the drive to keep the meter running and promise to tip him well. A look at the house tells him he has a good chance of this being true. In hopes of a fat reward, he has no problem waiting. I slam the door because it builds up my confidence in some way. I stomp toward the big main door.
I barge right in the door. I’ll let Heath know what it feels like to have your home invaded. Something red catches my eye, it is around the side of the house, the side of the driveway in front of my cab, but I am walking too fast to turn and focus. Still, something about that red bothers me. I push down, I’ll think about it later.
The maid scurries back from me. I have a fierce look on my face and she knows this is not a social call. I hear my father’s voice coming from his office. It sounds like he is yelling at someone else today.
As I start down the hall I see Jason walk out of the office followed by Heath. I cock my head sideways. My brain is not computing this. Jason sees me now and freezes.
“Not like this!” He starts to reach a hand out for me and walk forward.
“What are you doing here?” Heath yells at me as he pushes Jason aside. The accusation and anger and disappointment in my father’s voice shuts me right down. I had been trying to put some sort of sense to seeing Jason here. Now my vision goes black and all I hear is a roaring sound in my ears. I am standing just like a statue and I have fully checked out.
* * *
I feel nauseous, so I keep my eyes closed. I don’t move. I hear that annoying beep beep sound. Great. Back in a hospital. I must have moved or moaned or something because a voice calls out softly to me.
“Natalie…wake up my little boo.”
Boo. The nickname Jason uses sometimes, he likes to whisper it in my ear. Jason. In my dad’s house? What the hell? I do moan this time. I crack my eyes open and see Jason’s worried face.
“Wa�
�” is all I can croak out.
Jason knows. He holds a bendy straw to my lips and I sip in some cool water. That helps my stomach.
“What are you doing here? I mean there? What?”
“Oh, we…I’ll tell you about it when you get out of here and back home. I’ll tell you everything. I promise. Just rest and get better. Want more water?”
I can hear the worry and tension in his voice. Right now I know he cares. I have come to rely on him, so I decide I will push the confusion and what is not making sense from my head right now. Jason will make it all better later, just like he is promising.
“More water,” I whisper. I sip and close my eyes. I drift off to sleep again.
When I wake up again, my stomach is a little better. I can feel exhaustion in my body. Must be from tensing up so much. What was it that knocked me out? Oh yeah, total confusion.
As I move I hear a voice, “Baby, how are you?”
Dad. Blah. I want Jason. I open my eyes and croak for water again. He is as fast as Jason with the bendy straw and cool water. Now I realize I am hungry.
“How long have I been here?” My voice is still dry and raspy. I wonder why that happens when a person goes into black out.
“You’ve been out for two days. Docs figure it was your brain’s way of handing the shock.”
“What shock?”
Heath looks at me like I have two heads. He doesn’t answer.
I repeat, “What shock?”
“Don’t you remember?”
That’s all he says. Ok, he is not giving anything, any information, away. I try to kick my memory into gear. A flash of Jason’s face comes into my mind.
“Something to do with Jason! Is he ok?” I make to get up out of the bed. Dad pushes me back down.
“He’s fine. Lie down and rest. Yes, this has something to do with Jason.” His voice just got tight and full of disgust. I wonder if I have disappointed my father again.