My heart rushed an echoing drumbeat through my ears. Was she hinting at what I hoped for? I tried to search her eyes for some clues but once again fell prey to the new depth of blue before me. Azure? Cornflower? Cerulean? Maybe no word could describe what I saw in her eyes, the same way she had no word for the feelings causing those blues to swirl around her expanding pupils.
“Miss Hadland,” a harsh voice called from the doorway. I jumped so hard I hit my knees on the little desk with a loud clang.
Jody did a better job of remaining composed. “Mr. Phillips, what a nice surprise. How can I help you?”
“For one, you can send detention students to my office.” He glared at me pointedly. “And during regular detention hours rather than pulling them out of class.”
“I just had study hall,” I said, but his scowl clearly said he wasn’t talking to me.”
“I’m the disciplinary dean for this school.”
“I didn’t know such a position existed,” Jody said. “I thought you were a gym teacher.”
His thick neck reddened around his too-tight collar, causing me to wonder if maybe he’d get more oxygen to his brain cells by loosening his noose of a tie. “All out-of-class discipline needs to come from me. I don’t want students to get the wrong idea about rules being enforced unfairly.”
I snorted and tried to cover it with a cough. He clearly meant that if rules were being enforced unfairly he wanted to make sure they favored his favorite redneck jocks.
“I’m sorry for the miscommunication.” Jody remained steady. “And I think maybe I also used the wrong term for what’s happening here. Stevie isn’t being punished. She’s done nothing wrong. She simply fell behind on her classwork when she suffered her concussion. I’ve merely asked her to put in some extra time to catch up on the lectures she missed.”
Drew looked like he wanted to argue with her but couldn’t think of a way to do so without revealing what a dick he actually was, so instead he turned his attention to me. “Stevie, go wait in the hall for a minute.”
I didn’t want to leave her alone with this douche bag, but what could I say that wouldn’t undermine her in front of him? “Yes, sir.”
I exited the classroom and leaned against the wall right next to the door so I could still hear everything they said.
“Jody.” He used a patrician tone. “You’ve made some honest mistakes here, and I don’t blame you. You’re young, and you’ve been given entirely too much freedom, which may have led you to believe you’re a real teacher.”
A real teacher? What, like you, Drew? Gag me. She’s got more educational bearing in her little finger than you have in your entire stubby little high-waisted body.
“I’m truly sorry for misusing both the term ‘detention’ and the procedure for assigning them,” Jody said politely. “In the future I’ll be more careful to include you in disciplinary actions that spill over out of class.”
“Good, and it might be a good idea for you to run your midterm grades by me as well, since disciplinary actions are often assigned for athletes who aren’t making the cut. I’d like to see those before you send them home.”
Hell-to-the-NO. He couldn’t change the grades of athletes to keep them eligible. Would she let him get away with that? Did she have any choice? I couldn’t stand it. No matter how hard I bit my tongue, I couldn’t stay quiet. I stuck my head back into the doorway. “Excuse me, but should I go back to study hall, or are we going to finish my lesson?”
“I think we’re done here,” Drew said in his cocky, wannabe-sheriff’s voice. If he’d had a hat on, he probably would’ve tipped the brim to the little lady on his way out. I wanted to trip him and watch all the smug superiority fall right off his face.
Geez, I had to settle down. I sounded more like Rory every day. “Sorry about that,” I said, settling back into my seat.
“Not your fault,” Jody said sadly. “He’s right. It wasn’t very professional to pull you out of class just to chat.”
“Please don’t.”
“What?”
“Don’t let that guy make you second-guess yourself. You’re better than he is. You don’t deserve to answer to him for the rest of your career.”
“I doubt he’ll have much impact on my career.”
“If you stay here, he will. He’s next in line to be principal.”
Her eyes widened, and she looked truly horrified. “He’s wholly unqualified.”
I laughed. “That’s never stopped people around here before.”
“But he teaches gym.”
“He’s a disciplinarian, he’s a good ol’ boy, and he’s one of them. He enforces the status quo. That’s what they value here.”
“Administrators can’t just be jocks who get bored with teaching. They have to have leadership skills and flexibility and a broad, long-term vision. That guy is nothing but a glorified bully. And what is it with wearing his pants up so high?”
I stared at her for a long, heavy minute before I burst out laughing. I laughed so hard tears streamed down my face and I clutched my side. I laughed because her little tirade was funny and true, and so very her. For just one moment, the professional completely disappeared, and the woman stood, bold and beautiful, before me. The instant was glorious but short-lived, and her passion gave way to embarrassment.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, lifting her eyes heavenward. “That was entirely inappropriate. I don’t know what came over me. I’d never intentionally denigrate another teacher to a student.”
“Even a teacher who needs to be knocked down a peg?”
“Stevie, we can’t do this. He’s a teacher. You’re a student. This whole conversation has to—”
“Okay, fine.” I blew out an exasperated breath. “I respect the position you’re in, but can you honestly tell me that’s how you want to spend the rest of your life?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I think you do. Do you want to spend your career kowtowing to him and dodging students like Deelia and watching your pronouns and always having to check over your shoulder for someone trying to kick down your closet door?”
Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them away stoically. “We’ve slipped into a zone that’s just a little too personal for me. I didn’t call you in here to discuss my life choices.”
“Fair enough.” I recognized how close she’d come to falling apart, and I didn’t want to be another bully to her. “What did you call me in here for?”
She took a deep breath through her nose and released it slowly through her mouth. “I just wanted to say thank you for saving me this morning. You were very selfless.”
I shook my head. My actions might have been brave or crazy or helpful or uncharacteristic, but they most certainly weren’t selfless. “It was nothing.”
“Well, it meant something to me. You saved me from a nervous breakdown by taking all the weight on your own shoulders. How can I thank you?”
I grinned. “What are you doing this weekend?”
Jody immediately took a step back toward her desk. “I can’t see you outside of school. I’m sorry if I’ve given you the wrong idea. This is why I shouldn’t speak freely with you. You may be an above-average student on every level, but you’re still a student.”
Shit, I’d sounded too forward and once again had to scramble backward like a crab trying to escape the crash of an impending wave. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to sound like a come-on. I just meant it’s been a long week. I need to break out of the mold of Darlington a little bit. I thought since you deal with the same sort of thing, you could offer some suggestions.”
She still seemed guarded in her posture, maintaining the distance between us, but the kindness in her eyes suggested she might be willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. “I imagine it’s pretty hard for you to relax around here.”
“You have no idea.”
The corners of her mouth turned up a little. “I actually do. I know those feelings well.�
�
“So what do you do? How do you break the tension on your days off?”
“I usually spend my Saturday in the city, but you can’t do that.”
“Sure I can.”
“Your parents let you go to St. Louis?”
Parents’ permission. Right. Forgot about that. Was there no legitimate way out? No wonder most of my classmates drank so much. Well, I refused to spend my Saturday night getting lit in some cornfield. “Yeah, I mean, they’re going to let me live in Manhattan in a few months. St. Louis doesn’t seem so challenging by comparison. Where do you go? A bar?”
She blushed. “Actually, yes, sometimes I do. But I never drink to excess, and I never drink and drive.”
How cute. She thought I needed the drinking-responsibility talk.
“And the whole thing is a moot point because we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you, and you can’t get into the bars.”
Holy shit, this wasn’t easy. “Right, okay. No bars.”
“There’s a bookstore in the Central West End called Left Bank Books. It’s near a coffeehouse, and it’s gay-friendly.”
I tried to hide my disappointment. Normally a gay bookstore would sound like heaven. Over the next decade our community would lose its bookstores at a sickening pace. I wanted to collect them all in my arms and hold them tight to my chest, but not nearly as bad as I wanted to hold Jody. “Okay, well, maybe I’ll check that out Saturday night.”
She smiled wistfully, and I wondered if she wished she could join me. I almost offered another invitation, consequences be damned, but the bell rang, foiling my plans…or maybe saving me from them? Only time would tell, and lately time had been a fickle mistress.
*
“Hey, Dad,” I called into his study after dinner, “can I have a little extra money, please?”
“Why?” He turned around in his desk chair, and I was struck again by how much younger he looked now. I didn’t generally think of my parents as aging, but I couldn’t help remembering how the gray around his temples would continue to spread until it covered his entire head, and the Florida sun would deepen the creases around his eyes but wouldn’t make him any less handsome. “What’s the matter, Stevester?”
I shook the image of his future from my head. “Nothing. I just wanted to take a friend out to lunch. Her family’s going through a rough time, and I didn’t want to leave her out of lunch with me and Nikki.”
He reached for his wallet. “You’re a good egg. Thinking about other people is an important quality. I hope you never get so busy or important you forget that.”
“I’ll try not to,” I said, even while I worried maybe I already had.
He pulled out two twenties. “Here’s one for your lunches. Go ahead and pay for Nikki too.”
“What’s the other one for?”
“Your mom and I are both on the night shift Saturday. You’ll need to order a pizza or something for yourself.”
Had I heard him correctly? Both my parents would be gone from six o’clock at night on Saturday night until six o’clock on Sunday morning? That only happened about once every three months, and I silently thanked the time gods for finally getting something right. My conversation with Jody replayed in fast-forward in my head. She went to St. Louis after a long week at work. Surely this week qualified, and I’d have an entire night to test that theory.
I reached for the money, almost gleefully, but he pulled it back. “Wait a second. You still have to finish the dusting, and you have to give your old man a hug.”
I rolled my eyes to make sure I played the part of the reluctant teen, but I gladly wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tight. Not many things about high school were better the second time around, but having an appreciation for the things I’d miss someday ranked at the top of that very short list.
Chapter Eight
By Friday I’d worn every reasonable outfit I owned, and then some. I pulled every remaining item of clothing from my dresser drawers and stood in front of my closet for ten minutes, but I had no more butt-crack-covering jeans or tops that didn’t make me look like I was headed to a Renaissance fair. It was way too early in the morning for this crap. I’d been here for over a week, and I’d grown no more used to functioning at ungodly hours than when I’d arrived. Without my mom’s morning mental-fitness tests, Jody served as my sole inspiration for getting out of bed, and I refused to greet her dressed like a slutty pilgrim.
Surely I could find some long-sleeved T-shirts in this house somewhere. If only my dad were smaller I would’ve stolen one of his, but neither my brother nor I had inherited his broad shoulders.
My brother. Andy. Why hadn’t I thought of him sooner? He’d been at college for two years now but still had a room full of stuff here for the summers. I snuck down the hall and opened his bedroom door slowly. Even though he would never catch me, he’d spent years of our childhood yelling at me for touching his stuff, and those lessons didn’t fade overnight or, apparently, even after a decade.
The room was unnaturally quiet and clean. Mom must have picked up after his last visit, because Andy never made his bed. I’d heard his wife voice the same complaint about their son. They lived in Atlanta, and I hadn’t seen my nephew in months. I felt a pang of regret for missing his fifth birthday. How many years would I have to wait to make it up to him?
I shook my head. It was too early for deep thoughts. I needed to focus on things I could control, like comfortable apparel. Opening Andy’s closet felt like hitting a jackpot. I found a long-sleeve Cardinals waffle-weave shirt that fit me darn-near perfectly if I cuffed the sleeves. I also snagged a navy-blue V-neck sweater and a lightweight, olive-green army jacket to hold me over for a couple days.
I walked into school feeling more comfortable than I had in a week, and it must have shown.
“You look like you’re in a good mood this morning,” Nikki said as she took the seat next to me in English class.
“Yeah. I guess I’m getting back to my old self.”
“Really? You don’t seem like the pre-concussion you at all.”
Warning bells sounded in my mind. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t hang out by our lockers in the morning.”
“I’ve just been working with Miss Hadland to get caught up in her classes.”
“You seemed pretty caught up yesterday when you jumped down Deelia’s throat.”
I tried not to laugh. “She’s been asking for that for a long time.”
Nikki didn’t disagree but frowned with concern. “Are those Andy’s clothes?”
“I wanted a casual Friday.”
“Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”
“Yeah.” I lied. The longer this conversation went on, the less sure I felt.
“Are you mad at me?”
“No. Why would I be mad at you?”
“I don’t know.” She tucked a strand of her sandy-brown hair behind her ear. “You just seem kind of far away lately.”
Damn. I’d been so worried about not getting caught I didn’t think about what that distance would feel like from her side of the friendship. “I’m sorry. Let’s catch up at lunch today. My dad gave me some extra money. Wanna go back to Encarnacion’s?”
Her eyes brightened. “Yeah, that sounds great.”
“Do you mind if Kelsey comes with us?”
The clouds returned to her expression. “Why?”
“I’ve been working with her in keyboarding class, and people are kind of hard on her.”
Nikki didn’t look unsympathetic so much as cautious. “They probably are, but she doesn’t make things any easier on herself.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s kind of weird. She wouldn’t dissect the frog in advanced bio last month. And remember when she passed around the petition last year to get vegetarian lunch options in the cafeteria?”
No, I didn’t remember that, but I could imagine how well it went over. “What’s wrong with liking animals?�
�
“Nothing. I’m not mean to her. I just wish she wouldn’t make herself such an obvious target.”
“No one should have to worry about being a target,” I snapped. “She’s just a kid trying to graduate. It’s the school’s responsibility to keep her safe. It’s the teachers’ job to make sure we all get a fair shot here.”
Nikki looked surprised. “Are you sure you’re not mad?”
I lowered my voice. “I’m not mad at you, but I’m frustrated with the system. It’s set up to reward people who play the game, not people who actually do the right thing. You gotta remember that, Nikki. When you’re a teacher, you gotta promise me you’ll work with the kids who need you, not just the ones who are easy to work with.”
She nodded solemnly.
“I mean it. It would mean so much to me if you remembered this conversation.” I pleaded with her. “Being a good teacher isn’t about getting good test scores or having a tightly managed classroom. It’s about making sure you see every kid for who they could be someday, no matter how deeply their potential is buried.”
“I promise.” She spoke with so much conviction I believed her. “And Kelsey can come to lunch with us, okay?”
“Thank you. It means a lot to me.”
“I see that.” Nikki nodded and glanced over my shoulder in a way that caused me to turn around.
Jody stood a few feet behind me with a dazzling smile on her face. My heart pounded. I hadn’t meant for her to hear that lecture. I didn’t need her to be reminded of why she wanted to stay in this business. My argument to Nikki had probably reignited Jody’s resolve to be the kind of teacher I’d described. I should’ve been mad at myself for undermining my larger mission, but I couldn’t summon any disappointment while being simultaneously warmed by the glow of Jody’s approval.
*
Lunch went surprisingly well. I could tell both Nikki and Kelsey were worried, nervous, and not quite themselves around each other at first, but as time went on I was able to broker some common ground, and they eventually shared a few laughs on their own. I wasn’t naive enough to think they’d become best friends overnight, or maybe ever, but at least they’d developed some sort of connection that gave me hope neither one of them would be completely alone if I did somehow manage to transport back to present life. I still wouldn’t completely let myself believe I’d time-traveled, but the longer I stayed in my past, the more valid that option seemed. It would be irresponsible not to at least take some precautions.
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