She arched an eyebrow.
“I wanted to try for the part of your leading lady.”
A hint of amusement crinkled her eyes, but her lips formed a tight line. “Fine.”
“Fine?”
She took a seat at one of the student desks in the middle of the classroom and motioned to the open space in front of her. “The stage is yours.”
“Okay.” I blew a long, slow breath and shook out my hands in the hopes of stopping the tingling sensation in my fingers. Then, closing my eyes, I said a silent prayer that I wouldn’t have a stroke. “So, for my audition today I’ll be performing the subtext of, well, of the last two weeks of my life.”
She nodded for me to continue, her expression devoid of emotional indicators.
“I’ve always been okay. My life, my career—it’s all been lukewarm, and I liked that, which is why I didn’t want to come back to Darlington. This town unsettled me and made me feel things I couldn’t compartmentalize. When Edmond talked me into coming back, I swore I wouldn’t let myself go there again. In and out, that’s what he promised, and I clung to that promise even when I shouldn’t have. My first night back I wanted to kiss you, but I was afraid of all the things you made me feel, not just the depth of connection, but also the embarrassment of seeing my life of convenience next to your passion and purpose. I felt like a coward, so I took the coward’s way out.”
I rubbed my sweaty palms on my pants. I hadn’t planned to relive all of this. I hadn’t planned anything. My stomach twisted, and my head grew light, but I wouldn’t faint this time. My pain held a purpose now. “I paid for my cowardice in a hell only my own mind could have conjured into existence. I did my penance by reliving a past to which I’d convinced myself you were the key. Pinning all my hopes for escape on you seemed so much easier and more enjoyable than facing my own faults. But it didn’t work. You helped me see that, and you inspired me to be a better person than I could have imagined possible.”
She leaned forward. “Stevie—”
“Monologue,” I said, holding up a finger. I waited until she sat back again.
“When I finally got back to the present, I couldn’t face the prospect of leaving you behind. The depth of our connection gave me the courage to be vulnerable last night, and the reward was greater than any dream.” Emotions stirred, tightening my throat, but I forced the words through. “In your arms I felt raw and exposed and whole.”
Jody’s cheeks turned crimson, but she remained completely still, passive. I shifted from one foot to the other, nervously.
“Then this morning, everything came crashing down.” I bit my lip, trying to stem the rush of emotion ripping at me, but the battle was worthless and warrantless. I couldn’t hold back anymore, and I didn’t want to. “When you pulled away, I experienced the flip side of allowing myself to feel. Your composure made my turmoil all the more terrifying. I went from feeling perfectly fitted with you to being agonizingly alone. I wanted to beg you not to leave me, but I wasn’t brave enough to give you the last piece of my heart for fear you’d crush it too.”
I hung my head. “So I retreated back into my old defenses. I took the safe path instead of the right one, and in doing so, I failed us.”
I paused, waiting for some reaction, another interjection, anything. But Jody sat politely impassive, her legs crossed and her hands folded neatly on the desk in front of her.
“The last few weeks left me with more questions than I’ll ever be able to answer, but one thing I’ve learned for sure is that time, like life, is messy and scary. There’s always an easy way out, but that’s not the future I want anymore. I waited eleven years to get you back. I don’t want to wait another day to have you in my arms, in my life, again.”
I crossed the room and dropped to my knees before her, no longer even trying to hide my shaking hands or shallow breathing. “Jody, I love you. I think I’ve always loved you. I know that complicates things, but I’m here now, completely open, completely vulnerable, completely terrified, because I think you’re worth it.”
I took her hands in mine and stared up at her, my breath shallow and my throat scraped raw with emotion. “So there’s my monologue. It’s the best I have to offer. Do I have any chance of getting a callback?”
Jody finally allowed a crack in her stoic façade and blinked back the tears forming in her eyes. “No.”
The word cut through me like a knife, its sharp point crushing my ribs and piercing all the air from my lungs. “No?”
“No. There’s no need for a callback.” Jody smiled sweetly. “I don’t need to hear any more to know you’re the romantic lead I’ve been looking for. You’ve got the part.”
A thousand fireworks exploded through me. I jumped to my feet, pulling her up with me. Encircling her with my arms, I lifted her off her feet and spun her around, dizzy with exuberance. I pressed my lips to hers and kissed her possessively.
“What the hell?” Drew Phillips stood seething in the doorway.
“Sorry,” Rory said, looking simultaneously proud and apologetic. “I held him as long as I could.”
I set Jody down and took a step back, but she caught my hand and squeezed it tight in hers. All the blood had drained from her already-fair complexion, but she didn’t shake or shrink from the disgust in his eyes.
“I can explain,” I said, completely unsure about the truth of that statement.
“I saw you kiss her. What else is there to explain?”
“He’s right,” Jody said calmly. “There’s nothing to explain. Not that I owe you an explanation, Drew, but just in case you’re confused, I’m gay.”
She waited a second to let her words sink in, then turning to me with a bright smile added, “Very, very gay.”
“You…you…you.” Drew sputtered. “You can’t stay here. I won’t have a lesbian in my school.”
Rory and I both began to speak at once, but Jody raised her hand and silenced us with her best teacher stare. “Drew, I suggest you go check that demand with the school district’s attorney, because I believe you’ll find that statement puts you in violation of the State of Illinois’s nondiscrimination laws. In the meantime, Stevie is going to stay to speak to my last-period advanced-theater class.”
“I am?” I asked.
“Yes. You owe me and my students after passing out last week, and now that you’ve overcome your fear of public speaking”—she grinned playfully—”it’s time to pay up.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Rory, you can stay too, if you’d like, but Stevie won’t need a ride home tonight.”
Rory shook her head, admiration plainly written across her face. “In that case, I’ll walk Drew back to his office. You know, just to make sure he gets there.”
Drew glared at her, then back at us, but clearly didn’t know what else to say without talking to his lawyer. He chose, instead, to storm dramatically out of the room. Rory nodded her approval, then trailed after him at a more leisurely pace.
I turned back to Jody. “I can’t believe that just happened.”
“I can. It’s time to stop running, and I love you too.”
My heart pressed against my ribs, suddenly feeling too big for my body. “And Drew? And the school board? It’s going to be a fight. Are you ready for that?”
“Actually”—she wrapped her arms around my waist—“I am. What about you? You’ve already been through so much today. How are you holding up?”
“Me?” I laughed and pulled her closer. “I’m having the time of my life.”
Epilogue
I caught Jody’s sparkling blue eyes across the crowded auditorium. She smiled gracefully as she accepted the praise of another happy parent, but her gaze kept wandering to me. I leaned as casually as I could against the high-school desk we were using as a prop onstage and enjoyed the time to watch her interact with people who appreciated her fully.
Well, maybe not fully. They loved her for the care she invested in their kids, for her gentle way of drawing the
m out, for the confidence she fostered in them, but none of them could fully share my awe of her. She’d consumed every part of my life for the last six months. First in Darlington, then in New York, she’d left her mark on my career, my life, my body. I popped open the collar of my baby-blue oxford shirt in an attempt to stem the rising heat that always accompanied thoughts of her in my bed every night.
She arched an eyebrow my way as if she could tell I was thinking about what we’d done together that morning or our shared promise of an encore when we finally made it back to our loft. Despite the shot of attraction that passed between us, or maybe because of it, we kept our distance until all the students had left. None of the kids in the summer theater program needed to see their playwright ravishing their director.
“Job well done, Stevie,” Edmond said, approaching cautiously.
“What’s that?”
“The play,” he said, then added, “and what you’ve done for Jody.”
“I haven’t done nearly as much for her as she’s done for me.”
“Well, you’ve both done a lot for the youth theater program and for all the kids involved.”
I smiled thinking of the fun we’d had over the last few months. We’d toured New York from Broadway to the Stonewall, but the joy of sharing the city I loved with the woman I loved couldn’t compare to sharing the work we loved. Who would’ve expected the words I’d written on Rory’s and Beth’s front porch to become the basis for a play directed by Jody and performed by teenagers from my own neighborhood? “It’s been more fun than I could’ve imagined. The kids are fantastic, and watching Jody work with them to bring my words to life—I don’t know how to explain it. It’s the surreal in the mundane, truth in fiction. They’ve reminded me why I wanted to do this work in the first place.”
He smiled sadly. Why wasn’t he happier? “What did you think of the adorable little gay boy we have playing you?”
“I thought the director was very flattering with that casting.”
The response, like all the others since he’d arrived just before showtime, was too subdued for Edmond.
“All right, what gives? I gave you a new play. I did the press gleefully. Hell, I spoke at the program fund-raiser last week, and you haven’t even hugged me yet, much less told me what else you have lined up for my fall publicity stunts.
“I’m so sorry, Stevie.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s all my fault. I pushed you too hard.” He crumpled dramatically onto my shoulder, his product-filled hair smelling of lavender and mint. “I’ll never forgive myself for putting you through that assembly and the concussion and your nightmare. It was so painful to watch the character playing you go through all that awful torment in high school.”
“Oh, Edmond.” I wrapped an arm around him and patted his back. “Is that why you’ve been so distant lately?”
He nodded, sniffling quietly. “I wanted to wait at the hospital with the others, but I knew you wouldn’t want me there when you woke up. Ever since then I’ve been waiting for you to fire me.”
“Fire you? That trip back to Darlington was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“Really?”
“I’ve got a new play, a new purpose, and the love of my life. I know the stage show doesn’t go past the high-school stuff, but that’s only because it would be inappropriate for teenagers to act out the vast of amounts of sex I’ve had lately.”
His shoulders shook with laughter.
“I’m not going to fire you. Hell, if Jody sticks with me long enough, I might just make you the best man at our wedding.”
He looked up excitedly. “I’d rather be the flower girl.”
I shoved him playfully away from me and caught sight of Jody headed toward us.
“What are you two plotting?” she asked suspiciously, “and should I be worried?”
“Not at all.” I wrapped my arm around her waist and drew her near. “I was only saying how grateful I am to him for making me go back to Darlington, because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have experienced all the joy you’ve given me over the last few months.”
Jody looked to Edmond for confirmation. “Joy wasn’t exactly the word she used, but it was implied, and either way I’m happy to have played a part.”
She smiled brightly at me and snuggled a little closer before turning back to Edmond. “In that case, what’s the next step for getting Stevie’s play produced on a wider scale? You know we’re only in New York for a few more weeks.”
“So I hear. Rory and Beth are giddy about having you two closer, but are you sure returning to Illinois is the right move?”
Jody turned, deferring to me on this topic as she had for the last month. She’d done well in New York, and I’d relished the freedom we’d shared, but seeing her work with the kids here reminded me of how much she had to offer the students in Darlington, especially now that she was out of the closet. “We have to go back.”
“They haven’t found a way to fire me yet,” Jody added.
“Rory said she’ll hire the best civil-rights lawyers in the state to represent you if the school brings suit.”
“It won’t happen that way.” Jody sounded sad. “Illinois’s laws are a lot more gay-friendly than they were when I started teaching, and even Drew Phillips realizes what a massive lawsuit he’d have on his hands if he fired me for no other reason than my sexual orientation.”
I tightened my hold on her and clenched my teeth at the thought of her answering to that bigoted bully again. “What she’s not saying is that he’ll try to make her life as hard as possible until she quits.”
“Then why go?” Edmond practically whined. “You’ve been a rousing success here. I can find you both plenty of work, and life would be so much easier without having to fight the small-mindedness every day.”
I understood that impulse. It still woke me up many a night. I often lay awake watching her sleep and wishing for a way to keep her safe and happy. I wanted to find a smooth path for us both, but while my instinct to avoid conflict still pulsed through me, it was no longer my strongest impulse.
Jody lifted her chin until our eyes met, then gave me a little squeeze, seeming to sense my concern. “It won’t be easy.”
Did she worry I would run? Or did she know that I pulled all the strength I needed from her? I kissed her quickly and resolutely, calm flowing through me along with the sense of purpose she inspired. Looking into her deep-blue gaze, I replied with the truth only she could’ve made me see. “I know it won’t be easy, but some things are worth fighting for.”
About the Author
Rachel Spangler never set out to be an award-winning author. She was just so poor and easily bored during her college years that she had to come up with creative ways to entertain herself, and her first novel, Learning Curve, was born out of one such attempt. She was sincerely surprised when it was accepted for publication and even more shocked when it won the Golden Crown Literary Award for Debut Author. She also won a Goldie for her second novel, Trails Merge. Since writing is more fun than a real job and so much cheaper than therapy, Rachel continued to type away, leading to the publication of The Long Way Home, LoveLife, Spanish Heart, Does She Love You, and Timeless. She plans to continue writing as long as anyone anywhere will keep reading.
Rachel and her partner, Susan, are raising their young son in western New York, where during the winter they make the most of the lake effect snow on local ski slopes. In the summer, they love to travel and watch their beloved St. Louis Cardinals. Regardless of the season, she always makes time for a good romance, whether she’s reading it, writing it, or living it.
What Reviewers Say About Rachel Spangler’s Work
Does She Love You?
“Spangler has given us well developed characters that we can love and hate, sometimes at the same time.”—Lambda Literary Review
Trails Merge
“Sparks fly and denial runs deep in this excellent second novel by Spangler. The auth
or’s love of the subject shines through as skiing, family values and romance fill the pages of this heartwarming story. The setting is stunning, making this reviewer nostalgic for her childhood days spent skiing the bunny hills of Wisconsin.”—Curve magazine
Learning Curve
“Spangler’s title, Learning Curve, refers to the growth both of these women make, as they deal with attraction and avoidance. They share a mutual lust, but can lust alone surpass their differences? The answer to that question is told with humor, adventure, and heat.”—Just About Write
“[Spangler’s] potential shines through, particularly her ability to tap into the angst that accompanies any attempt to alter the perceptions of others…Your homework assignment, read on.”—Curve
The Long Way Home
“Rachel Spangler’s third book, The Long Way Home, explores how we remake ourselves and the consequence of not being true to our real selves. In the case of Raine, her perceived notions of small-town life may have been tainted by being 17. The reality of what she finds when she returns as an adult surprises her and has her wondering if she’d been wrong about her home town, her parents, and her friends. Spangler’s story will have you staying up very late as you near the end of the book.”—Lambda Literary Review
LoveLife
“Rachel Spangler does a wonderful job creating characters that are not only realistic but also draw the reader into their worlds. The lives these women lead are so ordinary that they could be you or I, but it’s the tale Spangler weaves between Elaine, Lisa, and Joey that is so beautifully written and extraordinary.”—CherryGrrl.com
Books Available from Bold Strokes Books
Timeless by Rachel Spangler. When Stevie Geller returns to her hometown, will she do things differently the second time around or will she be in such a hurry to leave her past that she misses out on a better future? (978-1-62639-050-8)
Timeless Page 26