by Sam Elswit
“I’m not selling this place,” he said, “If you really want to go, then go. But, this is my home.”
“Do you really want to live in this old empty house, alone?” I asked. I searched for anything that might push him to leave. “You got nothin’ here anyway. Your dad’s dead, the town probably hates you by now. Just go back to college, sell the place, and move on.”
He let out a sigh. I hoped I’d said enough to convince him. I received no reply. He just picked up his scattered clothing and trotted upstairs, his bare feet stamping on the cold wood floors.
I felt alone. But, better alone than feeling responsible for getting someone I cared about injured. I cursed my cruel fate and the stupid decision I knew I was making. I could only hope that someday he’d forgive me for what I said and perhaps we could be friends again.
Chapter 23
Joshua
I knew he was lying. Right? Could it be that he really faked all those emotions? He did decide to break things off with Phillip when they were starting to become too serious, maybe he was doing the same with me. His old problem with his family reared its ugly head and he decided to do what he said he always did; run.
Maybe I really had become too attached. I started thinking there was a future where none really existed. He was so close with my dad. Even though I’d hated my dad for so long, I always knew he was a good judge of character. He wouldn’t have befriended Isaiah so easily. Still, dad was only human. He could make mistakes.
Dammit, why did this have to happen now?
Even after deciding to stay, I was slightly unsure of what would happen if I did. I’d spent so much time at school that to give up now would be a waste. Perhaps Isaiah was right, I should just leave. Plus, it sounded like he was done with me anyway. If that’s really how he felt about our relationship, this was the last place I should be.
I slammed the door of my room shut, an overblown response to the frustration that festered in my brain. It had been a while since I’d actually spent the night in here. Isaiah and I always cradled together on his small bed, usually after a nice night together.
My nearly packed bag still waited on top of the dresser. Everything had happened so quickly that I never bothered unpacking. I tugged on my clothes and pulled open the window. It was barely noon; the sun illuminated the golden fields as a gentle breeze blew between the falling leaves of the nearby sycamore. My legs dangled over the edge of the sill.
Somehow I didn’t feel anything at all yet. The wound was still fresh and the pain had yet to set in. Did he really love me or not? Was it really my emotions running high because of the death of my father that urged me into Isaiah’s open arms?
It was a thought I really didn’t want to consider. Was everything that I felt for him a lie?
No.
I knew it, deep down that I really did love him. He was everything I ever wanted in a partner. He was strong and brave, and protected me when the chips were down. I would give anything for him, and was about to. But, he was working so hard to push me away.
I should just leave. It’s what he’s going to do anyway. Then I would be left in this big empty house, with a giant field to deal with by myself. Not that I couldn’t do it, but that I didn’t want to.
I wondered how my dad managed to handle everything for so long after I left. I imagined him getting injured, as Isaiah had been, and not having anyone around the help him in his moment of need. It hurt me to think that I wasn’t there to help him. Why couldn’t I have just reconciled things with my father before I left for college?
I lightly pounded my head against the window, trying to beat myself into submission. Every part of me ached from the beating and the rambunctious sex. How could Isaiah say such hurtful things after such vigorous lovemaking?
I exhaled out all the emotions that clawed at the back of my mind. I clenched my teeth from the frustration as the wind whipped at the spaces between my toes.
He doesn’t want me here; that much was clear. I didn’t want to sell the place, not anymore. I couldn’t care less what I was offered for the place. This is my families land, and I intend to keep it that way.
I felt tears start to climb down my cheek. They came suddenly and without provocation. Isaiah had ended things with me. I was losing the only other person in the world I cared about. I couldn’t bear to be anywhere near this place; at least not for a while. All the happy memories we made were tarnished, getting away from here for a little while would do me some good.
I let the tears stain my shirt while watching the sun dance across the sky. It wasn’t until twilight that I finally budged from my place. I stuffed what remained of my clothing into the bag and zipped it tight.
I hadn’t heard Isaiah move around the house for a while. I walked my bag down to the entrance, searching for any signs of him. I found him easily enough; he was lying on the couch in the living room, asleep. I didn’t have the heart to wake him.
I scribbled a note for him on a piece of paper, picked up my boots and my bag, and left the note in the crease of the door as I closed it. Hopefully a time would come when I’d understand what was going on in his head, but today wasn’t that day.
It would be a few hours before the bus stop was open for business. The darkened road was intimidating but inviting. It was time to start a new chapter of my life. It was time to finish my last year of school and make something of myself.
The tugging on my heart reached for Isaiah, but my head wouldn’t relent. My feet moved automatically, dragging the rest of me along for the ride.
Goodbye Isaiah, I hope you find happiness somewhere.
Chapter 24
Isaiah
I sat with my coffee in hand, trying to wake up. When I found Joshua’s room emptied, I knew I’d accomplished my task. I was ambivalent. I’d found a way to keep him safe, but it meant giving up something that I cared about. I wished I could go back to how things were just two days ago.
“Take care of things till I come back,” the note on he’d left in the door, read. It was a simple message, but it meant so many things. Was he going to come back to me? I didn’t bother to linger on it. Still, today was the beginning of a new day, the dawn of a new me, the man that doesn’t run any longer.
I slammed my cup on the table. The clank of the impact echoed around the empty space. It was a cold reminder of what I gave up in order to make things right. Joshua might never forgive me, but at least he wouldn’t be here for what was on the way.
Only two people were on my mind right now; the one that I pushed away, and the one that managed to fuck everything up; Phillip.
It was still early; the sun was barely poking its head out from over the rolling hillside. It would be a beautiful day if I really bothered to pay attention to it. The trees that dotted the side of the road were changing color. It was clear that autumn was in full bloom.
As I pulled the truck up beside the store as I had so many times in the past, I was flooded with old memories of Phillip. He was there for me when I needed someone and he didn’t deserve most of what I had to say, but I couldn’t help myself. I was too blinded by rage and loss.
I tore open the front door of the store, Phillip noticed me right away from a step stool as he restocked a shelf.
“Oh, it’s you,” he said.
“Yeah, it’s me,” I stated, “We need to talk.” He turned back to his work.
“No we don-”
I interrupted him, lifting him over my shoulder and carrying him towards the back room.
“What the hell are you doing?” he shouted, “Let me go!”
I set him back on his feet, interdicting myself between him and the door. I’d never seen him with such a stern look on his face. His lips were pursed and his eyebrows were scrunched up in frustration.
“You’re going to listen to every word I have to say,” I said, “And if you don’t, so help me god I will make sure that you won’t be able to stand up for a week.”
“So violent,” he poked.
&
nbsp; “You’re goddamn right I’m violent,” I continued, “You cost me someone that I cared about!”
“Well, that asshole cost me the exact same thing, except I had to see the person I love being paraded around by someone I hate,” he said.
“You called my family,” I said, “You knew what they would do to me, and to him.”
“So what!”
I shoved him back against the wall. My fist was balled up and ready to explode into him. I could have put him down like the dog that he was. He deserved every bruise, every scar, and every broken bone I could give him. But, in the end I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I could feel Joshua holding my shoulder, telling me that it wasn’t worth it.
Phillip struggled against me. I felt like a monster, as though Zeke and Jeb had taken control of my body and forced me to let out my anger on someone smaller than myself. It felt good at first, knowing how much control I had over the fate of Phillip, but the longer I lingered the more I realized that there was no sense causing more pain and violence. I’d already had enough.
I released Phillip from my grasp. He backed away, rubbing at his chest where I’d pinned him. I had nobody else in the world except for myself at the moment. I lived on a farm that wasn’t mine, drove a truck I could barely afford, and pushed away everyone that ever cared about me. Even my mother loved me at one time in my life.
I let my head fall against the wall where I’d pinned Phillip, my arm caught my forehead. I felt the sting of regret and it stabbed deep. My whole life was a twisted up mess and when the best thing in my life came along, I pushed him away. I was lost.
“I forgive you,” I said.
“What?” Phillip asked, “You should be the one apologizing.” I pushed off the wall and turned to him.
“I’m sorry about the circumstances of the break-up,” I said, “You deserved better. I thought I was sparing your feelings but instead I pushed them to the breaking point. I’m sorry, I really am.”
Phillip took a step closer, reaching out his hand toward me without touching.
“I,” he started, “I’m sorry.”
I let out a chuckled under my breath. It was a funny situation in which I’d found myself. I shouldn’t have pursued Joshua so quickly after breaking up with Phillip. If I was being honest with myself Phillip had every right to be angry.
“I can’t hold you accountable, Phillip,” I said, “There’s a lot of shit I need to work out. You just gave me the push to make it happen.”
Phillip leaned against a low shelf and stared at the floor.
“Did he really matter that much to you?” he asked.
“He meant the world,” I replied.
“That’s all I ever wanted to be to you. I thought I was,” he said.
“I never knew what I wanted,” I said, “that’s why I can never stay still.” I turned toward the door. There was another person coming that had to hear what I needed to say, but how would I get her to listen?
A ghostly white pallor came over Phillip. He stood from the shelf and sprinted to my side with urgency.
“I’m sorry I called your family,” he said, “I knew it was wrong while I was doing it. What do you think they’re going to do?”
“They already beat me up once,” I laughed, “I’m going to make sure they don’t do it again.”
“You’re not going to …” he trailed off.
“I’m not a killer,” I replied, “but I need to find some way of talking that’ll make them listen.”
Ideas were already brewing in my mind. If I didn’t have to worry about Zeke and Jeb then I could talk to Mama without interruption. Maybe I could get her to listen.
“I need to apologize to Joshua,” Phillip said, “I never thought I’d be the bully.”
“Good luck finding him,” I said, “He’s already left. I checked the bus station before coming here. He went back to college.” If I’d seen him at the bus station I don’t know what I would have done. Would I have told him I lied and that he should come home? I didn’t sleep well thinking about the fight the other day. I’d listened to him in silence as he snuck out. I didn’t have the heart to stop him. “Goodbye Phillip.”
Phillip stayed silent as I left. It was for the best anyway, I needed to be alone for a while.
Chapter 25
Joshua
I was glad that I’d registered for classes before I’d left. It made falling back into school an easy habit. Being a senior this year I decided to spring for a studio apartment. All the details were figured out in advance and I could be alone to study as much as I wanted.
Getting everything unpacked felt so unreal. The last month I’d lived out of my suitcase but even then I felt like I was home. Now, having everything tucked away neatly in drawers, each item in its right place; it all felt so alien. I was a casual observer of everything normal.
My desk was cluttered with school supplies that were left to be put away and I couldn’t bring myself to put everything right. I hated being here. I hated feeling that the last month had been as a sweet lie. I had tasted contentedness and my body yearned to feel that again.
I needed a drink.
I don’t know if it was because I didn’t want to be sober, or if it was because I wanted to come to grips with the confusing feelings that still swirled around inside my head; whatever the reason, I walked down the street to a bar I knew. The cold blocks, that I’d always found so entrancing when I first came to the city, were now devoid of life. The trees that tried their best to grow from the small patches of dirt that dotted the roadside looked eager for a better life. They screamed out for an open field where they could spread their limbs and soak in the light. I wanted to take them to salvation and plant them beside the sycamore tree by my home. But, instead I let them wither and fade.
Light from the road lamps reflected against the wet pavement that paved my way. Couples passed arm-in-arm, speaking sweet nothings into their loved one’s ears. I wondered if Isaiah and I would be like that if he were here; then choked down the feelings that were trying to break loose.
Isaiah was the first man I’d been with. He was also the first person I had really felt anything for. But, even so, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it might have been a fluke. I stared at the women, wearing their fake faces and tight clothing, looking for someone to hold them close to keep them warm. They were attractive, but I wasn’t attracted to them.
I shoved into the bar, passing my I.D. to the man at the door who waved me inside. I nestled into the first seat available at the bar. Two seats separated me from the next man over who was watching a local baseball game on the television.
“What’ll you have?” asked the bartender. I’d met him several time but never remembered his name.
“Uh,” I hadn’t thought about what to try.
“With a shiner like that, it looks like you could use something hard,” he said. I laughed to myself at the irony in the comment.
“What do you suggest?” I asked. He smiled, showing off a pair of dimples that dominated his cheeks. Damn he was cute. His tight black button up shirt was snug against his lanky body. His short cropped hair was coiffed tight against his head, giving him a regal roman emperor look. A smattering of tattoos coiled around his arms as a pair of fashionable bracelets held fast to his wrist as he shook the drink he prepared for me. He poured the contents into a glass and shoved it in front of me.
I lifted the glass and sipped at the minty concoction. I normally wasn’t one for mixed drinks but this one was quite good. He stared at me as I smiled at the glass.
“It’s good,” I said. “What do I owe you?” As I went to return the glass to the coaster he’d provided, I noticed a squiggle of numbers, it was his phone number and a name; Chris.
“On the house,” he said, and then point at the coaster added, “That’s for later.” He slapped the counter twice and started toward another customer.
His confidence was something I wish I’d had. He had no problem knowing who he was and what he w
as. The gesture was one that warmed my heart. Chris reminded me of Isaiah. Not in the looks department by any means, but by the way he carried himself. I admired that.
Was I really ready to jump into something new? I’d only just left Isaiah a couple days ago. The wound was still open and I was trying my hardest to seal it shut. I had no idea if another man would manage to fill the gaping hole in my heart, but there was a chance he might be able to if only for a little while.
Chris.
Maybe I would give him a call.
Chapter 26
Isaiah
Everything became routine; every day the same thing without variation. Before I realized, a week had passed. Part of me wondered if Zeke and Jeb might have just been talking big. They were the kind of men to do something like that. Mama almost never left the house. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d pushed Joshua away because of their boast.
I would have to start threshing the fields the beginning of next week. I tried to make plans for it but it was hard to entertain any real thoughts. I was still stuck thinking about Joshua. I wondered how college was treating him. More than once I caught myself staring at my phone wishing it would ring. And, just the same, I’d spend an hour writing a text message or an email only to come to my senses and erase the entire thing.
I sat in the rocking chair out front, his empty space sitting beside me, with a warm beer in my hand. I barely moved at all. The wind blew through the leaves that remained on the sycamore, causing the shadows to dance across the grass on the ground. The half-finished fence was begging for attention. A can of unopened paint rested next to the mallet that I never bothered to bring inside.
A cloud of dust coming down the road was enough to snap me back to reality. It followed a large truck, one that I would recognize anywhere. They were coming.
I lazily pulled myself to my feet, tossing back what remained of the gross tasting warm beverage before throwing the can to the ground. Beside the front door was the shotgun from above the fireplace. I broke open breach, pulling two readied shells from my pocket and inserting them into the barrels. Then let it set in the crook of my arm as I stood my ground on the porch, ready for them.