I dropped my bag at the door and sat beside her on the floor. “I have to tell you something,” I said.
“It’s funny,” Pria said. “I think I saw this in a dream. Maybe pregnancy has made me psychic.”
“I’m so sorry,” I begged.
“Sorry for what?”
“Cassie and I,” I began.
“I knew it,” Pria became flushed with anger.
“I didn’t mean to, but I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Pria, and I haven’t always been a good man. She knew all of my mistakes and held them over my head. It is no excuse, but I felt like I had no choice when it came to her. This shouldn’t earn me any forgiveness, I just have to explain because she’s lost her mind and I don’t know what to do. I really feel lost….” My words got stuck in my throat. I could have drowned in my own shallow regret. Moisture covered my face. “And now she’s doing things that scare me. I’m in way over my head. I can’t betray you any more because I love you and I want this baby. I don’t want this to ruin our family, but I’m really afraid of what is going to happen.” My voice wavered with fear and sorrow. I knew I could lose Pria forever, but the alternative was so much worse.
“This isn’t your first affair,” Pria said.
“No, but I swear to God it’s my last. I’ve changed. I know this sounds trite and cliché, but I promise you that the part of me that even dreamt of cheating is dead.”
“I always knew.” She sat down in front of the TV. “My mother always asked me why I stayed with you and I always told her that to you, all other women were prey, but I was a goddess. How could I ever find another man who thought I was a goddess? I could live with your faults, but lately it’s been different. The baby has changed everything. Also, I couldn’t stand the thought of you with her. I didn’t mind the faceless ones, but Dr. Allen, I worried that maybe you loved her.”
“God no!” I yelled. I followed her across the room putting my face in her lap. “Please, I beg you, forgive me. I hate her. She’s insane. She has some sort of temple beneath the institution. She thinks she’s a witch. She has sex with patients and she blackmailed me into this relationship.”
“She’s a witch?”
“She thinks she’s a witch. She’s crazy.” I got down on my hands and knees before her. Moisture lined my eyes, rising up into tears. My voice cracked. I clutched her hands in desperation and I told her everything that had happened. I told her about the fortune teller in the alley and about Cassie’s dark rituals. I let all the crap that had crowded my psyche pour into Pria’s lap in a gush of repressed emotion. I even talked about my father and told her about my fears of becoming like him. She stroked my hair and kissed my head, like a mother would a child.
“I’ve never seen you like this,” she whispered. “You’re always so calm. Who’s going to be my rock if you’re crying in my lap?”
“Forgive me,” I said. The tears were gone now, and I met her charcoal eyes again. They were luminous. She was a light in the dark. She touched my cheek.
“I forgave you before you walked in the door. I love you. I love all of you, but I hate her. You have to promise me that even if you lose your job because of it, you’ll never let her touch you again.”
“I swear on everything I’ve ever believed in and treasured.”
“I should talk to her,” Pria muttered. Her face was moist, but she was calm and seemed unmarked by my confessions.
“You want to talk to Dr. Allen?”
“I think I should.”
“It’s over. There is no reason for you to get involved.”
“I’m not like you, Eric. I believe in God and the devil and I don’t want some crazy occultist casting hexes on me and my baby. I don’t care if it is just a bunch of bullshit, the thought of it creeps me out and I think that if I talk to her, maybe I can dispel whatever it is she might do out of retribution for the ended affair.”
“She doesn’t have any power. She’s just going to chant her crazy chants in the basement.”
“I know that, but you know I’m superstitious. I walk away from black cats and avoid ladders. I know nothing will happen if I don’t, but why tempt fate? And I think at this point, you owe me the right to do whatever the hell I feel like doing.”
I raised my hands. “Hell, after this, you can pretty much sell me into white slavery without me protesting too much. You could divorce me ten times and it still wouldn’t do justice to all of my transgressions.”
“You can be a tremendous asshole, Eric.” There was a hint of humor in her voice.
“I know.”
“But you have always been my strength. Don’t get all weepy on me now.”
“I think I’ve cried all I need to for the rest of my life,” I said with a laugh. “But seriously. I cried because I was terrified of losing you and there is no worse hell than that… and the baby. I can’t wait to have the baby.”
“Thank you for that,” she said. “I’ve felt like I was having this baby on my own, like the baby and I were an obligation.”
“I was afraid at first, but not anymore.”
Pria smiled and climbed into my lap. We sat for a while on the floor, holding each other. The TV blared, but neither of us could hear it. We were lost in the warmth of each other. Pria called Cassie that night. I don’t know what they said, but the next day at work Cassie complimented me on my wife’s balls and apologized for the weekend. Pria was a goddess. I still believe that. She was too perfect for this world.
* * * *
Roy cried when I told him I was leaving. He begged me to stay. He begged me not to leave him with Cassie. He said I was the only one who had ever heard him or helped him. I found this profoundly ironic. With all of my other patients, I had struggled to use the appropriate behavioral treatment to change them. With Roy, I had just listened. I had seen our therapy as lazy and lost in my fear, but somehow I had reached him.
“Don’t worry,” I assured him. “Cassie won’t be your therapist again. I’ve arranged for one of the new interns, Dr. John Merrick, to work with you. He’s a wonderful psychologist and I have a tremendous amount of respect for him professionally.”
“You promise,” he pleaded. “I can’t see her anymore! I’ll kill myself, I’ll find a way. I’ll die first!”
“I’ve talked to your team. Everyone agrees that it isn’t a good idea to leave you with a therapist who evokes such a passionate fear response in you. Dr. Merrick will come and check in with you after the holidays. Trust me.”
“When you’re in a place like this, trust isn’t something you can just give away.”
“You can trust me. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
He nodded. “Will you come and talk to me again?”
“I’ll come visit you with Dr. Merrick when I have the time.”
“What about Dr. Allen? Will she visit?”
“I can’t control her visits while you’re on the floor, but she will never be your primary therapist again.”
John had been waiting outside to meet Roy. I had to introduce my chronic patients to John, but since he worked on the acute ward, I didn’t have to meet his patients. John walked in and sat down beside me. He smiled broadly and extended his hand.
“I’ve heard a lot about you, Roy. I’m very excited to be working with you,” he said happily.
“All bad I’m sure,” Roy said glumly.
“All good. According to Dr. Black you’re much more insightful than your file gives you credit for.”
“Hardly,” Roy said.
“I’m not going to bother you too much today, I just wanted to stop by and meet you before Dr. Black left. Okay?”
“Sure.”
The meeting ended with a few brief questions and some banal pleasantries. John kept his lighthearted tone despite Roy’s consistent negative mood. I was impressed with his interviewing and rapport building skills. He was good at chipping away at Roy’s resistance. We left in good spirits, and I was even happier as this was the last meeting I had before our Christmas va
cation and the switch. I was utterly content in knowing that I would never work on the chronic ward or with Dr. Allen again. I felt like it was over.
John and I chatted about clients and our meeting with Dr. Babcock when we returned as we walked to the car. John told me he was flying home to Louisiana for Christmas to see his sister. Andy joined us outside the hospital and as I watched the peacock disappear into the mist as we drove away a tangible weight was lifted from my heart. It was over, and Cassie hadn’t even come to say goodbye. She had let me go without a breath or wink. My departure was uneventful and calm. I left as I had come, with Andy and John.
It’s funny how different they seemed to me as we drove away. Andy seemed witty and gregarious. I no longer found her annoying or overly talkative. She had become a friend. John had also become a friend and the talks we had on our commutes had bridged the gaps in my sanity over the last six months.
“I wish I was sitting where you are,” John said. “I’m not looking forward to working with Dr. Allen.”
All I could do was shake my head. “She’s a crazy bitch,” I said.
“Her reputation precedes her,” Andy said. “I don’t know why they keep her on, and as a supervisor no less. From everything I’ve heard, she should have been fired years ago.”
“They keep her on to terrify the interns,” John said.
“Like we aren’t terrified enough?” Andy joked. “What happened between you two, Eric? The gossip has spread like the Black Death. One minute you’re her prize pig, and then, boom, no eye contact, you don’t talk. It’s rumored that you had a twisted affair and that she cast some sort of evil hex on you to make you compliant.”
“Where do you get this stuff?” I asked. “I swear no one on the chronic ward gossips this much.”
“Ummm, I’m a woman, firstly, and secondly, I’m not a completely cold, aloof asshole who is afraid to tell people he’s married,” she responded.
“Ha ha ha, you’ll never let me live that down.”
“Why should I? You were a dick for a long time.”
“So, what did happen?” John interrupted.
“She’s crazy,” I said. Somehow I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else. My tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth.
“Define 'crazy.' Does she suffer from major depressive disorder, a personality disorder, what? I’m a psychologist, and you are too, and I’m not going to let you get away with using that term so loosely.”
“Your gossip mill has one thing right,” I said. “She believes she’s a witch and it scares the patients and quite frankly, the level she has taken it to scares me.”
John laughed. “Well then, I’m in a shitload of trouble. I’ve always been superstitious and I’m a good Catholic. I was raised to believe in the devil.”
“Well, you might meet him if you get close enough to Cassie.”
“I think we can keep the devil at bay, it’s the real world I’m afraid of.” Andy pulled a folder out of her backpack and handed it to me. “I’ve been doing some research on the accidents you told us about a few weeks ago, and first of all it’s total bullshit that other chronic wards have so many accidents. Most chronic wards are surprisingly safe. Secondly, you know the weirdest thing about what you told us the other day, there are no newspaper stories about them. I couldn’t find any reports of the things you told me about. In fact, I couldn’t even find anything on the history of Circe. The only thing I found was a blog written by an ex-patient. Look,” Andy pulled out a large print-out of someone’s blog. The blog was called "A History of Madness." The wording was lovely, dark, and completely melodramatic.
“Look,” Andy said again. “Every day is a new story told to her by some ghost who slept next to her. The ghost’s name is Jane. Okay, so this is an unreliable source, but mixed up in it, she recounts at least twenty of these accidents you were talking about while she was living at Circe. She also says that all the staff on the chronic ward are somehow trapped here. They’re locked here and given power by the place. She’s obviously off her meds, but she cites Dr. Cassandra at least thirty times as the one who is responsible for the accidents at Circe. She says Cassandra had sex with patients and participated in bizarre rituals in the basement. That’s all consistent with your reports. You should read it. And I found one other source that supports what you’ve described. It’s a report published in the University of South Alabama newspaper. According to this journalism student, at least five patients died at Circe in one night and their deaths were quickly covered up by authorities.”
“Why would authorities cover up these deaths?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe somehow Cassie covers them up and Babcock doesn’t even know about them? Maybe Cassie knows people on the police force? But it seems like there’s been some questionable activity on the chronic ward that merits investigation.”
“Definitely,” John said.
“So, could you make some kind of record of each accident you witnessed and everything that you know about it? John and I will keep records while we’re over there and we can show our records to Babcock when we leave. She can determine if further investigation is necessary.”
“Thank you for doing this,” I said.
“I know I sound stupid to you, but I really believe that every human life matters and if anyone on this staff has in any way put these patients in harm's way, I’m all about making sure they’re removed or worse. Nothing pisses me off more than people who are supposed to help people and then use their position to hurt them, you know?”
“Thanks,” I said again.
“Listen,” John said after a few minutes. “I have very strict instructions to force y’all to come over for dinner tonight. My fiancée says that if I don’t bring you over she’ll invite her coworkers over and I don’t want that. And bring your significant others.”
Andy and I both agreed and we talked cheerfully for the rest of the way home. The sun set out the window as the swamps gave way to the city. I felt like I had finally come home.
* * * *
Pria immediately bonded with Andy. The two sat all night at dinner and talked. It was a wonderful night. We all had a little bit too much to drink and we had the time of our lives making fun of the hospital and the psychiatrists. Even Pria had a small glass of wine. She chortled over her thimble full of wine like it was a mug and I could tell she was happy to meet my coworkers.
John’s fiancée, Angela, was a striking woman. She had sandy blonde hair and a powerful jaw that she clenched when she was thinking. She was a lawyer with a tendency for didacticism. She and Andy bickered throughout the night. I think they may have been enjoying the debate despite the appearance of hostility. She was a very aggressive woman and she wasn’t going to be talked over. Her conversation dominated the night. At times, the two women seemed to fight over things they agreed on, but at the end of the night they were laughing at each other.
John invited us to his wedding in February and Andy discussed Pria’s baby shower and Angela’s wedding shower. The future seemed bright for everyone. Andy talked about her new job working with victims of childhood sex abuse and John and Angela talked about the wedding and their jobs. Pria fit right in talking excitedly about the baby and taking a year or two off of work. Everyone had horizons they couldn’t wait to get to and I found that, for the first time in my life, my own brilliant and mundane horizon glittered like a chest of gold before me.
The things that had always frightened me seemed to offer solace. A home, a wife, children, a comfortable job, and a life by the sea offered me a glimpse of joy I had never known. All my life, I had been striving to obtain something majestic and great and I had hated myself for constantly falling short. I had never forgiven Pria for our failure on Kilimanjaro. I hated her for Mobile and the less than prestigious internship I had taken. I had hated the baby, because it was a cage, but at that moment, all of these once-loathed things seemed like a ray of hope in an otherwise dark room. I could still see Cassie’s body twisted in ecstasy
on the inside of my eyelids and every time I glimpsed it, I wanted to be normal. I didn’t want to be the monster Cassie had called me. I didn’t want to be the predator that had summoned her to my bed. I wanted to be Pria’s husband and a good father.
At the end of the dinner, Angela raised her glass to all of us. “May we all find the futures we have sought,” she said with a little slur.
Everyone drank to that and we departed as friends. Although Pria was still gaunt, the gathering had noticeably elevated her mood. She hadn’t eaten much of the food, but she couldn’t stop talking on the car ride home and after we got there, she threw her arms around me and kissed my chin.
“Things are getting better,” she said. “You have friends and you’ll never see Dr. Allen again. Maybe we can have a normal life after all.”
She walked to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror.
“I’m sorry, Pria. There are not enough apologies to cover my remorse.”
She shook her head. “And there never will be, but this is what I want and it makes things better. I want a normal life with a husband who has friends. I want dinner parties and baby showers and a house of our own. I want to tell our parents about the baby and I want my baby to have grandparents.”
“I thought you had already told your parents.”
“No. We need to tell your mother. We need to be normal. Through this entire marriage I’ve ignored your idiosyncrasies, but now they’ve become unhealthy and I think it’s time that you face that. We should go see your mother. We should tell her about the baby.”
“I’m sure my brother has already done that.”
“No, we should. We should be normal. The only way we can wash away the stains of the past is to find a new future that is built on, what the fuck, normal family values.”
“You’re not going to vote Republican in the next election now, are you?”
“Don’t joke about this. I’m serious. And another thing, I talked to my parents and they are willing to give us the down payment on a new house so we can move in a little before you get settled in your new job. I want a house before we have the baby.”
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