by Jamie Pope
“What’s his name, Mama? Where is he now? Did he love me?” Mama would never answer her directly. Instead she would simply reply in her Claire Huxtable voice, “Why do you need to know about your daddy? You’ve got me and I’ve got you.”
Sunny now realized why her mother sounded like Claire Huxtable. As a child she watched the sitcoms religiously before her mama got sicker and shut everything off. She clung to them like it was her lifeline. Those women were her fantasy mothers, smart, beautiful, caring, and most important stable. They were married to men who loved them. The families ate dinner together every night and their house had paintings on the walls instead of marker. They had roots. Each child, no matter how foolish they had been, could come home to a mother and father and feel safe. Sunny never felt safe. Sunny longed for that, so much that it hurt sometimes. Still, she missed Mama even after everything she had put her through, even after the constant moves, the paranoia, the extreme mood changes and the abandonment. She missed her, ached for her, and on days like today wondered what ever happened to her. She had never gotten the real story. She only knew that she was gone and that she never came back.
Sunny only had a few pieces of her mama that she kept as mementos, a crystal barrette, a tiny jade statue of Buddha that she let Sunny hold when she was afraid, and two letters that she had sent on her thirteenth and eighteenth birthdays.
To My Sunshine,
I haven’t seen you now for five years, my love, I want to, but I can’t. I’m not sure where you are or how to find you, but maybe that’s for the best. I know you don’t understand what happened, but Mama couldn’t take care of you the way you needed to be taken care of. You know Mama, Sunshine, she just couldn’t stay any longer and I couldn’t ask you to leave one more time. You would be so proud of me baby, I’m different now, I’m a grown-up now. I’ve got my own place without marker on the wall, and a job, a real job, and I’ve been here for six months. I think about you every day. You must be so pretty by now and so smart, smarter than everybody in your class. Don’t be afraid to show them how smart you are. You’re thirteen today, soon you will be entering womanhood. There are so many things I wish I could tell you, so much knowledge that I feel a mother should share with her daughter, but there isn’t one thing I can say to you that is profound, not one piece of advice I can give you that is magically going to make you turn out all right. I can only tell you not to be me. Try not to make my mistakes. That may not be helpful to you because you don’t know me, and maybe that’s for the best. I hope you’re not angry with me, Sunshine. I did things to you that a mother shouldn’t do to her child, and I’ll always be sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that I was alive and that I still think about you every day and most important I love you. Mama will always love you, Sunshine. Pray for me. baby, and maybe one day I will see you again.
Mama
Sunny had read that letter at least six hundred times, until the piece of notebook paper it was scrawled on had become soft and yellow, fragile from its constant use. She had memorized it and probably could recite it word for word, but knowing what it said wasn’t enough for Sunny. She needed to see it, look at it, touch it. Study the big soft curves of her mama’s handwriting. It made her feel closer to the woman who was so far away from her. Sunny wished she could just push her mama to the back of her mind. She had work to concentrate on, cases that needed attention, foster parents to find, but none of that was important, because her own case kept making its way to the forefront of her mind. She needed to know exactly what happened to her mama.
It was time she searched, but frankly she was terrified to find out what happened to her.
Chapter 2
Julian King peered down at the naked woman in his bed. To describe her in one word would be difficult. Gorgeous came to mind. Not just any kind of beautiful. Many women could be described as beautiful. Models, actresses, women on the street, but this woman was more than that. Her always sleek hair was slightly mussed. But that was it. After an hour of steamy sex most women would look languid, flushed, satisfied. Regina looked regal. Like she could single-handedly perform a hostile takeover of a Fortune 500 company as soon as she got out of his bed. It was one of the reasons he wanted to permanently claim her as his own.
But she was one of the women who didn’t want to be claimed. He liked that about her. She was no average woman. She wasn’t like the pretty, sweet girls he had grown up with or the nice young ladies he spent time with in college. At this point in his life, Julian didn’t want anyone sweet. He had been down that road before. He had been with women who required too much of him. Too much of his time. Too much of his money. Too much of his life.
He didn’t want a woman who couldn’t hold her own at a cocktail party. He didn’t want to be with anyone who couldn’t help his career grow. And for his career to grow he needed to impress the senior partners at his firm. He had to project his success and for that he needed the right kind of wife.
Regina Richardson was the kind of wife he needed.
He had it harder than most of the people in his position. He was six-foot-five, a former professional football player. He had been a jock all his life. He was a superstar in college. He went to the Super Bowl his rookie year. He had been on boxes of cereal and in sports drink commercials. He had posed naked for the largest sport magazine in the country and because of his massive fame he had gotten everything he wanted with just a snap of his fingers. But then he got hurt. The third game of his second season was his last. He landed wrong after a tackle and got a neck injury that caused spinal damage. The doctors told him if he played again he faced paralysis.
He spun out of control for a while after. Too much booze. Too many women. Too many close calls. But then his father barged in and grabbed him by the shirt and shook some sense into him.
“You’ve used your body to get you through your entire life and now it’s time for you to use your brain.”
He went to law school. His professors underestimated him. His classmates underestimated him. The media had underestimated him. He graduated top of his class. He passed the bar in three states. He was hired at the most high-profile firm in the city. He thought he wouldn’t have to prove himself after that, but he was dead wrong. People still thought he was the dumb jock. His colleagues thought he was only hired because of his former celebrity status. They always underestimated him, thinking every win he got was because someone had let him slide.
But if he could land a wife like Regina, it would show the world he was good enough to be among them.
Regina spoke five languages. She was from one of the oldest families in America. She ran an international cosmetics company. Women lived and died for her approval. She was indisputably a good catch.
His only problems were small.
His family hated her.
He couldn’t blame them. His father and sister were nice people. Regina just didn’t know how to act around them. She came off cold even when she tried her hardest to be friendly.
He had one other problem when it came to her.
She didn’t want to be his wife or anybody’s wife. She had been through one failed marriage and didn’t want to travel down that path again. That made sense to Julian, especially since they didn’t love each other. But Julian didn’t believe in love. Love didn’t keep his parents together and love certainly didn’t keep his mother from walking out on him and his sister. He didn’t want love. He wanted something more tangible. What he wanted was a guarantee, and with love there was none.
His sister told him that he shouldn’t waste his time with someone who didn’t make him feel warm all over. He laughed at her when she said this. Warm was for blankets. Not for society marriages. And that’s what he wanted—an old-fashioned marriage where two families merged to gain greater power.
He gazed down at Regina again as he put on his shirt. He was tired of searching, tired of coming home to an empty apartment, tired of having to schedule time alone with this woman. He was ready to settle down, but all
Regina seemed to be inclined to do was play games. She wanted to be chased, and for a while Julian was happy to play along. It made her feel desirable. But now Julian had become bored with chasing what should already be his.
“Where exactly do you think you’re going?” She spoke to him like he was her subordinate. She may have been eleven years his senior, but she sure as hell wasn’t his boss.
Julian didn’t answer her, only stood there looking down at her as he fastened his cuff links.
“Did you hear me? Where are you going?” she demanded.
He raised one brow at her, reminding her who she was speaking to.
She changed her tone at once. “Julian, darling, where are you going? I’m getting lonely in this big bed all by myself.”
It was then he decided to answer.
“I have to go back to work.”
Regina’s gray eyes flashed with anger for a second. “Work? Really, Julian, you just left there two hours ago. I thought you could spare a little time for me.” Even though Regina was complaining, her voice was still sexy, smooth, like silk, yet husky at the same time.
“I can’t. I have to go in. You know I’m trying to make senior partner.”
Regina looked up at him as if he were declaring a challenge, and let the sheet that was wrapped around her body slip so that one perfect bare breast was visible. Tempting, but he knew her game and he wasn’t about to play. It was always like that with them, always a chase, always a battle of wills. Julian was done with that. He would not chase her, nor would he bend to her will.
“Come back to bed,” she purred. “It’s cold without you.”
“I can get you another blanket and you can stay in my bed as long as you want but I have to go back to work.”
She rolled her eyes and got out of bed, naked as the day she was born, and wrapped her perfectly sculpted arms around his neck, pressing her small, naked chest in to his much larger one.
“Please, please, get back in bed. I want you in the worst way.” Her voice grew to its most seductive pitch but Julian fully recognized that he was being played.
“I have to go.”
She dropped her arms and the sex kitten act quickly. “Damn it, Julian. I cleared my entire afternoon to be with you. Don’t you realize my time is valuable?”
“My time is valuable too. You aren’t the only one with a job and responsibilities. You didn’t even bother to check with me to see if I was free today.”
“Why should I have to?” she spat. “If you want to be with me then act like it.”
“The whole world doesn’t revolve around you, and neither do I.” He kept his voice calm. Julian rarely lost his temper but today her whining was annoying him. “I’m a grown man and I’m tired of playing games. I wanted to be with you because I thought you were mature.”
“Are you trying to say I’m old?”
“Not old but there’s a reason that I’m dating someone who is closer to fifty than to twenty-five.”
She recoiled as if she had been slapped in the face. She hid her age very well, almost treated it as if it were some top-secret government information. Julian knew she was just a mere four years away from celebrating the birthday she dreaded the most.
“You bastard,” she whispered.
He shook his head. “Don’t treat your age like it’s a bad thing. I like that you’re mature. I want to be with a woman. You’re everything a woman is supposed to be.”
“You make me sound horribly old.” She pouted and for the first time that day he saw signs of softness lying behind her icy exterior.
“You’re not old. You’re smart and beautiful, and cultured. I want to be with you.”
“If you want to be with me, then stay with me. Get back in bed. I don’t ask for a lot, Julian. It wouldn’t be so hard for you to cancel this one client and spend the day with me.”
Julian sighed. Regina was the most persistent woman he had ever met, but she was about to find out how stubborn he could be. “I already told you, I can’t stay with you today, but I will make you a deal. I will cancel all my plans tomorrow if you agree to be my wife.”
“Your wife?” she said, amazed and horrified at the same time. “You want to marry me? You aren’t in love with me.”
“So? You aren’t in love with me either, but we work well together and you can’t deny that, no matter how hard you try. What have we got to lose? You can’t tell me that you want to come home every night to an empty apartment.”
Julian knew that wasn’t the life he wanted for himself. Despite all the friends, the parties, and the social influence, he couldn’t deny that lately he felt a deep ache in his chest.
“I can’t marry you, Julian. Not like this. I just can’t.”
Julian put on his jacket, and shook his head. “I need to know that this is going somewhere. We’ve been on and off for years and I simply can’t do this anymore. We either have to take the next step or end this.” He turned and began to walk out.
“So, that’s it,” she called. “You have nothing more to say.”
“Are you going to marry me?”
She paused for a moment then lifted her chin. “No.”
He had a feeling she was going to say no. But he had wanted her to say yes. He didn’t love her, but the rejection stung more than he thought it would. He was wealthy. He was young. He was smart. He was going places. But she didn’t want to marry him. What the hell would it take? “There’s nothing left to say.”
“That’s bullshit, Julian. You need me but I sure as hell don’t need you and I will not come running after you. I refuse to lower myself.”
“You feel like marrying me is lowering yourself.” He nodded. “Well, I guess that says it all. Enjoy the rest of your life, Regina.”
And with that statement he left. There really was nothing more to say.
* * *
Sunny went back to work that Monday, still feeling that ache that had arrived the same day as her invitation. The ache was always there, the ache of not knowing who she was and where her roots were and if there was anyone out there who she was connected to, but lately it had grown stronger. She was determined to push it back down because her life had turned out okay. She had an education and a good job that she liked. She spent her days helping kids, which filled her up. She hadn’t had it as bad as some other kids. None of her foster parents had beat or starved her. Most of them had been nice enough. She had remembered what it was like to feel loved. It wasn’t a bad life. Some people had it worse. She needed to be thankful for what she had.
Her final foster mother, Flossie, had taught her that. Flossie had loved her. At sixteen Flossie had wanted to adopt her, but she died before the process could be finalized. It had been another blow, but Sunny tried to be grateful for the time she did have with her, grateful that she got to be a part of that small stable family as long as she did. She had experienced what it was like to be loved again, the same way her mama had loved her before the voices got too loud in her head.
* * *
Sunny picked up the phone during her lunch break and dialed her best friend, Arden, who was nearing her eighth month of pregnancy and home on bedrest. She had met Arden her freshman year of college at Columbia when they were placed in the same dorm. Arden took her home with her upstate every time she went. Holidays, birthdays, and special occasions were spent with her and her family. They had been best friends for over ten years and now her best friend was married and going to become a mother. And Sunny was so happy for her because Arden deserved happiness more than anyone she knew.
“Hello, Sunshine.”
“How are you today, princess?”
“I can’t see my feet. I don’t know what they look like anymore, but I know they are swollen. I still made my husband paint my toe nails last night. He said they look like sausages.”
“Did you smack him for that?”
“How could I? How many federal agents do you know rush home from work to paint their pregnant wives’ toenails?”
/> “He rushed home to do that?”
“Yes. He’s been amazing since I’ve been on bedrest. I think he feels guilty because he got me pregnant. He keeps apologizing, like I wasn’t the one who told him I wanted a baby.”
“You’re spoiled as hell.”
“I know. I wish I could do something special for him, but I’m not allowed out of bed.”
“You love that man. That’s all he wants. He’s so happy that he’s going to be a father, he could bust.”
“He is very happy. We were talking about how we are going to decorate the baby’s room in the new house last night and he was rubbing my belly and he got a little teary eyed.”
“Daniel is a sweet. When I first met him I thought he was a raging asshole, but he’s such a good guy.”
“Yeah. He is. I want you to find one of those. Did you ever plan a second date with that agent we set you up with? He told Danny that he thought you were really cute.”
“I never called him back. He was nice. Just not for me.”
“You say that about every guy.”
“I don’t!”
“You do. I would never tell you that you need a man in your life, but you deserve a good one that is going to put you first and make you happy. How are you ever going to find one if you don’t put yourself out there more?”
“I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now.” It was the truth. She used to tell Arden everything, but she hadn’t lately. Arden was newly married and soon to be a homeowner and a mother and she was happy. She had a new life to live. She had her own stuff going on. Arden didn’t need to hear about Sunny’s issues because in the large scheme of things they seemed less significant to the big new life her friend was embarking on.