by Jamie Pope
Sunny looked up at him. There was a sad expression on her face and for a split second he wanted to not be mad at her.
“You butted in.”
“I know.”
“You went behind my back.”
“I did.”
“My family is none of your goddamn business! You had no right. You overstepped big time.”
“Maybe I did. But there has to be a reason you’re so mad at your mother. If everything was fine you’d be okay with spending five minutes with her.”
“I told you what she did to us.”
“She left you. I get it. I’ve been left too.”
“Don’t compare your mother to mine. Your mother was crazy. Mine just didn’t want to be bothered with us.”
“She was sick. Not crazy. Don’t call her that. And I don’t know why my mother left me, but you can find out why your mother left you. All you have to do is talk to her. I would give anything to talk to my mother again.”
“I don’t want to hear your sad orphan bullshit right now. I’m not in the mood for it.”
Sunny flinched as he said the words and Julian knew that he had gone too far, but he was too damn mad to take it back.
“I’m not your mother or opposing counsel. I don’t care how mad you are, you don’t get to be an asshole to me.”
She walked away from him and back to the car. He followed her silently and didn’t say another thing to her for the rest of the night.
Chapter 15
“Sunny? Do you want some ice cream?” Harvey asked as he walked into the kitchen.
“No, thank you,” she said quietly as she watched him pull off his wrinkled work shirt and take the iron out of the cabinet.
Mama had told her to call him Daddy, but Sunny knew that she never would. She didn’t know who her daddy was, but this man wasn’t him.
Mama had met him a few weeks ago while they were living in the motel downtown. He worked in the office building next door and had been watching them. Every time they went in or out he seemed to be there. Just staring. . . . Mama hadn’t noticed at first, but Sunny had. She had felt his eyes on her and then one day he walked up and he took the bag of groceries from Mama’s arms, telling her that women as beautiful as her shouldn’t carry their own bags. Mama had smiled at him and then started to talk in that fast way she did when she was excited.
Soon he was there all the time. Giving Mama presents. He bought her a bracelet and a pair of earrings. He had food delivered to their room and then he had given Mama a lot of money so they could get an apartment. Mama had been so happy. She said that he must love them because he was taking care of them so well and that he never wanted anything from her. He gave Sunny presents. A doll. A yo-yo. But Sunny didn’t feel like Harvey loved them.
She didn’t like being near him because he always stared at her. His eyes followed her wherever she went and for the first time since Mama had taken her away from their home, Sunny felt like everything wouldn’t be okay.
Mama had left her alone with him tonight. She had a cleaning job and Harvey had volunteered to watch Sunny.
It was the first time she had been alone with him and she was mad at Mama for leaving her with him. She didn’t like Harvey. She didn’t like the way he looked or smelled or acted.
“Why don’t you come into the kitchen, Sunny. I could use some company while I iron my shirt.”
Sunny walked over slowly but stayed on the far side of the kitchen table, too far away for him to touch her. He tried to touch her a lot. He rubbed her back and kissed her cheeks. Mama had told her to never let anyone touch her. She told her never to take candy from strangers and never let anyone inside of their apartment, but she was doing all the things that she told Sunny never to do.
“What are you doing all the way over there? Come closer.”
“I can see you from here,” she said quietly. He always seemed so nice to her, but she had seen Harvey angry. She had seen him kick the stray dog that lived in the alley beside the building. The dog just came up to him. The dog didn’t do anything, just walked up to him looking for food. Mama hadn’t noticed, but Sunny had and since then she really didn’t want to be near him.
“Oh, come on, sweetheart. I just want to see your pretty face.”
She inched closer not wanting to make him angry. He nodded his approval and turned around to iron his shirt.
“You like living in this apartment instead of that motel, right?”
She had at first. Switching motels every week was starting to get old. But she didn’t realize how much Harvey would be there. He didn’t live there. He went home every night but he was there a lot during the day. He came over in the morning before he went to work. He stopped by on his lunch hour. He had dinner with them every night and was there all day on Saturdays. It was getting harder and harder for Sunny to stay away from him.
“It makes Mama happy.”
“You like it when your mama is happy, don’t you?”
She nodded.
“You love her.” He turned around to face her. “I could make your mama very happy. I could bring you to live with me in my house. I have a little yard. We would put a swing set in there for you. There’s a nice school in my neighborhood that you can go to.”
Sunny didn’t say anything. A house with a yard sounded nice. And school . . . She had missed school so much. She had missed friends and books and being in a happy place.
“Come here.” He held out his hand to her. She didn’t attempt to take his hand but she moved closer. He sat in a chair and patted his lap. “Sit with your new daddy.”
Sunny shook her head. She wouldn’t sit in his lap. She always listened when her mama told her what to do, but she couldn’t call him daddy and she wouldn’t sit on his lap.
He grabbed her wrist and something inside of Sunny screamed no. She didn’t know what he would do but she wouldn’t let him grab her. She bit his hand as hard as she could.
“You little bitch,” he swore. His eyes changed. He looked like when he kicked the dog.
Sunny knew she had to get away. She tried to run, but he grabbed her again, and took the hot iron off the table. She fought him. She kicked and scratched at his hand, but she couldn’t stop him from pressing the iron into her skin. He held it there, pressing it down with all his weight.
She screamed out in agony. She could smell the scent of burning skin, but she couldn’t see anything because everything had gone black.
The door burst open and she could hear heavy pounding footsteps. Her eyes focused and she could see her next-door neighbor with a baseball bat in his hand. He looked at her curled up on the floor and then at Harvey before he swung the bat wildly and smashed Harvey in the head.
Harvey went down. His body hitting the floor with a thud she would never be able to get out of her head. There was blood everywhere, pooling around his head in a messy circle. Sunny would never forget that smell too, the lifeless look on Harvey’s face.
Her neighbor walked over to her and crouched down beside her. She tried to scramble away, too scared to be near him. “I’m not going to hurt you.” He put both his hands up. “I just need to see what he did to you.”
Sunny moved her hand to reveal her wound. All of her brown skin was gone, just red and pink and white were left behind. Looking at it made her stomach churn and she gagged at the sight and the smell of her own skin.
Her neighbor cursed. “I’m going to call my mother to come help. Can you tell me what happened?”
“He tried to make me sit on his lap and I didn’t want to so I bit him. He took the iron and burned me. He keeps trying to touch me.”
“He’s a fucking pervert. He won’t bother you anymore.”
The man walked out and a few minutes later returned with an elderly woman and two other men. They questioned her about Harvey, about where he was from and how Mama had met him. The old woman was taking care of her shoulder, pouring water on it over and over again when Mama walked in.
“Sunny! What happened
?” Mama looked scared. She had that crazy look in her eyes that she got when everything became too much and she didn’t know what to do.
Her neighbor turned to Mama and backed her against the wall. “You stupid bitch. You don’t just leave your baby with the first fucking guy you meet. He’s a pervert. If you had any sense you would have been able to see that. He tried to touch her. He burned her and all because you’re too damn stupid to know that you shouldn’t trust anyone you meet on the street.”
“Harvey?” She looked over to him as he lay still on the floor where he fell. “Is he . . .”
“Whatever he is is your fault!”
Sunny felt hands touch her face and she lashed out, clawing and kicking until she felt heavy arms restrain her. “It’s me, Sunshine. I’m not going to hurt you.”
She shook off her terror and sat up. Her night clothes were sticking to her body. “Julian?”
He switched on the light beside her bed and she saw the damage she had done. His cheek was red and raised from where she had scratched him. “I’m so sorry. I was dreaming. I thought you were . . .” She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
“I heard you cry out. I got scared.”
“I’m fine now.” She lied. She hadn’t dreamed about that night in many years. It was another one of those huge moments in her life, one that changed everything. One that had made her mother slip further and further into her mental illness.
“Why are you clutching your shoulder?” The concern never left his face as he pushed her hand away. Her burn was there, bright red and raised from her skin. There were times she wished she could cut it off, kill any reminders that it was ever there, kill any reminders of that night.
“What the hell happened to you?”
“I need to take a shower.” She got out of bed and rushed into the bathroom closing the door behind her. She glanced at herself in the mirror. Her curls were plastered to her head, her eyes were huge and still filled with fear as if she was five again. She got in the shower and let the hot water run over her head, trying to wash away the memories of that night, but she couldn’t. They were a part of her. They always would be. She was never going to escape what happened that night. It made her who she was.
She got out after the water had turned cold, ran a comb through her curls, slathered lotion on her skin, anything she could do to prolong opening the bathroom door. She knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. She never could sleep after that dream.
But she couldn’t stay in the bathroom all night and when she opened the door Julian was still there. Her soaked sheets were in a pile on the floor and fresh ones were on the bed in their place.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know I didn’t . . .” His voice broke. The emotion was so strong in it that it brought tears to Sunny’s eyes. “I don’t have the right to ask what happened to you, but I need to know, Sunny. I have to know who hurt you.”
She climbed back in the bed and looked up at him. “Will you hold me?”
“Of course.” He crossed the room and pulled her into his arms.
She just absorbed his warmth for a few moments. The safe feeling returned again. She only felt this way with him. She hated that no matter what she did, she couldn’t create her own safe space. She didn’t want to need anyone, but right now she needed this comfort. She needed him.
“There was a man who used to hang outside of the motel where we were staying. He befriended my mother by buying her gifts and giving her money until she fell in love with him. It only took a few weeks. He had gotten us an apartment and he had convinced my mother that he would watch me while she worked overnight. I was so young but I knew what he was up to and I avoided being alone with him, until one day I couldn’t avoid it any longer. He tried to force me to sit on his lap and I bit him. That made him angry and he took a hot iron and burned me.”
“Shit,” Julian swore. “He’s a fucking monster. Please tell me that your mother pressed charges and that he went to prison and that’s the end of the story.”
“No, it’s not. My-my mother never got to press charges.” She debated how much she should tell him. No one knew about this. It was her darkest secret. The things she was most ashamed of even though she knew it wasn’t her fault. “My neighbor heard me scream and burst through the door with a metal baseball bat. He bashed Harvey in the head and two guys picked him up and took him somewhere. I think . . . I think they killed him.”
Sunny felt Julian’s body grow rigid. “He was a monster. He hurt you. He was trying to do unspeakable things to you. If your neighbor hadn’t come . . . Damn it, Sunny. I don’t want to think about it.”
“I’ve never told anyone that. I try to pretend that I’m okay, but I’m not. I’m not sure I’ll ever be.” She felt herself trembling. She hated that she couldn’t stop herself. She hated that she was still so affected by it twenty-five years later. “Sometimes I feel broken.”
“You’re not broken,” he said firmly. “I don’t think I know anyone who is as strong as you are.”
He kissed her cheek. She turned her face toward his and pressed her body against his, wanting more of his closeness. She kissed his lips lightly. She was looking for more comfort, but that spark of heat was there and she kissed his lips again. It was a deeper, slower kiss this time and it immediately made her want more.
But she felt so emotional and her eyes filled with tears. “Touch me,” she whispered.
He untied her bathrobe and slid his hand down her naked body. His hand was heavy and steady and warm and it had set every nerve in her skin on fire. He kept kissing her and kissing her, his tongue sweeping into her mouth softly and deeply. She felt like she were melting into him, like she could be one with him.
He ran his fingertips across her nipples, which aroused her even more than she thought was possible.
“You’re so sweet,” he said, kissing her cheeks. “I want to be with you all the time. So much that I can barely think.”
“Be with me tonight.” She wrapped her leg around his hip, opening herself to him. She took his fingers and brushed them over her wetness. “I want you. I need you.”
“I need you too, but I don’t have a condom.”
“I’ve been on birth control since I was sixteen and I know you were tested after you broke up with Regina.”
“Yes.” He kissed the side of her throat as his fingers delved farther into her wetness. “I’ve never made love to a woman without protection before.”
“I’ve never made love to a man before, period. It will be a night of firsts for us both.”
He froze and looked into her eyes, some of the heavy lust gone, now replaced by shock. “You’re a virgin?”
“Yes. I thought you knew.”
“You can’t be. The way you move when I touch you. The way you kiss. The way you moan. You are sexual.”
“I am a grown woman who has lived nearly thirty years.” She slowly ran her palm down his erection. “I explore my body, the way I want to explore yours. I think about what feels good. I think about you and I touch myself and I say your name and I see your face and I imagine how good you would feel inside of me.”
“But why haven’t you been with anyone, Sunny?”
“I was waiting for you,” she said honestly. “I was waiting for someone I could trust with my body.”
He looked at her for a moment before he crushed his mouth to hers and then he rolled on top of her and his heavy body felt right to her. She felt safe beneath him. She felt blissful.
He pushed himself inside of her, but she couldn’t describe the feeling. There was no pain. There was only the most intense pleasure. And rightness. This felt right.
He was being so gentle with her, deep kisses and long, slow strokes. He was controlling himself. He was such a powerful man. He could do whatever he wanted to her and she would gladly let him, but he was making love to her. He was whispering her name between kisses, he was looking her in the eyes and there was something there
she couldn’t name.
She was so painfully in love with him and she knew nothing would ever change that. No matter where their lives took them, she would never forget him or this night or how he made her feel.
She wrapped her legs tightly around him, urging him to go deeper, to move a little faster.
“Stop it,” he whispered. “You feel too good.”
“I can’t stop. I’m barely holding on.”
“Don’t,” he said through gritted teeth. “I want this to be everything you want it to be.”
“I just want to be with you.”
He stared into her eyes and gave her a kiss so deep that it felt like he was trying to kiss the soul out of her. She kept her eyes open. They wanted to drift closed but she forced them to stay open so she could see him, the strain in his face, the sweat on his brow, the look in his eyes. She didn’t want to forget a moment of this. Her body moved against him, not knowing what she was doing, but it felt natural, it felt good. He pumped deeper inside of her and faster and she dug her nails into his shoulders, pressed her mouth into his neck to muffle her cries.
He pushed hard inside and it caused her to break and her toes curled and the waves of intense pleasure took her breath away. He let go with her and she felt his warmth spill into her and she liked the feeling. She felt closer to him than anyone ever before in her life.
His body was hot and heavy on top of hers and she loved the sensation. She felt so safe and warm and happy. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed the side of his face.
He pulled himself off her. “I’m crushing you.”
She missed his weight, his smell, his warmth, the way he filled her up. “I didn’t mind.”