by Cat Clarke
Tara’s head thrashed from side to side. I was worried she’d knock herself out on the tree trunk. Her body was bucking and twisting against the ropes. There was a sound coming from her that I didn’t like one little bit. A terrible wheezing gulping sort of sound. Enough’s enough. I shoved Cass out the way and knelt down in front of Tara, wrenching the pillowcase off her head.
Tara’s eyes were bulging out of their sockets and her nostrils were flaring madly. The ugly wheezing sound was getting worse. Somewhere in the back of my mind I recognized that this was really bad. The gag was on tight, Tara’s mouth pulled into a grimace. I did my best not to dig my fingernails into her face as I tried to loosen the cloth. I vaguely heard Cass’s voice – her normal, everyday voice. ‘What the hell are you doing? Shit! She’s seen you now! You’ve ruined everything.’ I ignored her. Tara didn’t look right. Something wasn’t right.
I eventually pulled the gag away from Tara’s face. The wheezing sound was different now. Rattling. Tara’s eyes were glassy and unfocused. ‘Tara! TARA! Look at me.’ I grabbed her face and forced her to see me. There was a flicker of recognition. ‘It’s OK, Tara. It’s only us. We were just messing around. Come on, just breathe now. It’s OK, calm down.’ She was shaking her head wildly, still panicking.
Rae was at my side now. I looked at her helplessly. ‘What’s the matter with her? What are we going to do?’ My voice sounded jittery and unnaturally high.
‘Tara? Try and breathe slowly. Through your nose. Just breathe.’ Rae sounded calm and in control.
Tara was still shaking her head, gasping for air. Her chest was heaving. ‘I … I … can’t!’ The words were barely audible.
‘Tara? Have you got asthma?’ asked Rae.
Tara nodded frantically.
‘Have you got an inhaler?’ Another nod.
‘Where is it? Is it in your rucksack?’ A shake of the head.
‘Bedside table? No, no, wait, in your spongebag?’ Tara nodded, and something approaching relief flitted across her features. But she still couldn’t catch her breath. And even in the darkness I could see that her lips were turning blue.
I leaped to my feet. ‘I’ll get it – give me the torch. NOW!’ Cass was standing a few paces away, looking gormless. She handed it over without a word. ‘For Christ’s sake, Cass, untie her!’ She snapped out of it and started working on the rope.
Polly spoke up. I’d almost forgotten she was there. ‘Rae, you go with her. Two of you will be able to find it quicker.’
Rae looked unsure. ‘I think I should stay here with Tara.’
Polly was fiddling with something in the pocket of her cardigan and I had this bizarre thought that maybe she was about to pull out a magic wand and make everything all better. She didn’t. ‘No, go with Alice. I’ll look after Tara. I’ve done first aid. She’ll be all right.’ That made up Rae’s mind. She sprang to her feet and we sprinted off together, without a backwards glance.
15
The run back to camp lasted forever. I was ahead of Rae on the narrow path, the beam of my torch flailing wildly. My hands were shaking. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck please let her be OK please God let her be OK I’ll do anything if only she’s OK. I blinked away tears, not bothering to wipe them from my face.
Eventually we burst out into the clearing. The cabins were all dark. Everything was quiet and peaceful and everyone was asleep. When we reached our cabin I scrabbled for the light switch before realizing it was on the other side of the door. Another two seconds lost.
Rae took control. ‘You check the bathroom, I’ll check by her bed.’
‘OK, OK, OK,’ I said over and over as I sprinted into the bathroom. I slipped on a wet towel on the floor. Fuck fuck fuck. Four sponge bags on the cabinet. Not hers though. Probably didn’t want us rooting through it, checking out her expensive shampoo.
A triumphant shout from Rae. ‘Got it! It was under the bed.’
‘Thank God for that. Quick, let’s get back.’
Rae paused, clutching the inhaler in her fist. ‘Maybe one of us should get Daley or something? Call an ambulance?’
The next words out of my mouth were ones I will always regret. ‘No, there’s no time. Let’s get the inhaler to Tara, then bring her back to camp. The four of us can carry her if we have to.’
Rae shook her head. ‘I don’t know. I think … Don’t you think we should tell someone?’
‘Rae, we haven’t got time for this. We need to go!’ I grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the door.
Her lips were fucking blue. Don’t think about it. Run faster.
Rae shouted from behind me, ‘Did you know? That’s she’s asthmatic?’ I hoped I was imagining the hint of accusation in Rae’s voice.
‘No! Did you?’ She didn’t answer.
And then we were back at the tree, and Polly and Cass were crouched over Tara. These were the things I noticed: the muddy, bloody soles of Tara’s feet, the candy pink nail polish on her toenails, the birthmark on her thigh, her pink Little Miss Naughty vest. And her eyes, staring but not seeing. Dull and lifeless. Dead.
Tara was dead.
Rae fell to her knees at Tara’s side and started doing CPR – pumping Tara’s chest, then breathing into her mouth. I just stood there, looking at Tara’s eyes. She was gone. Anyone could see she was gone. But Rae didn’t give up until Polly grabbed her arms and pulled her away.
‘Rae, stop it! It’s no good. She’s dead.’ Rae crumpled to the ground, sobbing. Polly patted her back awkwardly. Cass was still as a statue. I was floating somewhere high above us. Maybe Tara was too.
Suddenly I came to my senses. ‘I’m going to get Daley.’ I backed away from the others, desperate to escape from this place.
Cass flinched as if she’d been slapped. ‘No!’ She came towards me. Slowly, slowly, as if I was a frightened animal that might bolt at any moment. ‘Alice, stop. Come back. We need to talk about this.’
‘No, I’ve got to get Daley.’ I stumbled over a tree root and fell. Pain shot up my spine; I welcomed it.
Cass stood over me, her hand outstretched. ‘C’mon, Alice. We don’t want to do anything hasty now, do we?’ She thought her voice was soothing, but it sounded like poison being poured into my ears. I wanted her to stop saying my name. She grabbed my elbow and hauled me to my feet. She steered me back towards the others. Towards Tara.
Rae looked up at me, eyes red. ‘Go, get Daley. Get … someone.’ She stood up unsteadily, as if she was drunk.
‘No.’ Polly’s voice was firm and sure.
‘Why not?’ My voice was shaky and pathetic.
‘Because if you do, we’re going to get blamed for this.’ Now Cass was the one looking like a frightened animal. A cornered animal that would do anything to protect itself. Somehow Cass and Polly were standing together, and I was next to Rae. A line had been drawn between us.
‘It was an accident. We’ll explain everything.’
Cass laughed mirthlessly. ‘Yeah, like they’re really going to believe us. She’s fucking dead, in case you hadn’t noticed. This is serious.’
‘I know – that’s why we have to get help!’
Cass was looking at me like I was insane.
‘No one can help her now,’ said Polly.
There was silence for a moment or two. Over Cass’s shoulder I could see Tara’s feet. Muddy and bloody and dead. A wave of nausea engulfed me and I stumbled away from the others and puked. I heaved over and over again until there was nothing left. A hand was rubbing my back and a voice was murmuring words of comfort. Rae.
I don’t know how long the argument went on. Rae fought pretty hard, but the other two wouldn’t budge. I said nothing. I think I knew I was already beaten. Maybe I could have got through to Cass if I’d persisted, but I guess I’ll never know.
After a while I could tell Rae was beaten too. Beaten into submission by Cass’s talk of trials and prison and murder. Murder. It seemed that Polly agreed with everything Cass said.
Eventually I sp
oke up. ‘So what do you want us to do?’ I swallowed down the sourness in my throat.
Cass started to pace back and forth, nervously rubbing her hands together. ‘OK, OK, let me think … let me think. We have to get rid of … the body.’ The body. Tara was no longer Tara, no longer a person.
This cannot be happening. This is a school trip, not some stupid horror movie. We cannot be talking about getting rid of bodies. This does not happen in real life.
‘We could take it to the loch,’ said Cass.
‘Don’t call her that. She’s not an “it”.’
‘Alice, you’d better listen to me. It doesn’t bloody matter what we call her. She’s dead, and we might as well be, unless we figure out a way to make sure no one finds out what happened.’
‘Can’t we just … leave her here? Maybe they’d think she was sleepwalking or something?’ I knew how lame that suggestion was before I’d even finished speaking.
‘We can’t! There’s all sorts of evidence and stuff. Your pile of puke for a start! They’d work it out eventually. No, we have to make her disappear.’
‘The loch won’t work. They’ll find the body,’ said Polly.
‘Right, yes, of course. We’ll have to bury it.’ Cass at least had the decency to look appalled at her own idea.
‘Cass, listen to yourself! We can’t do this! It’s not right. Think about Tara’s family … never knowing what happened,’ said Rae.
‘Rae’s right,’ I said.
‘Think about our families! Alice, think about what this would do to your dad. It would kill him!’ I hated her right then. Suddenly I knew that Cass would do or say anything to keep this quiet. And I realized that I would too, and I hated myself even more.
‘What about the well?’
It was Polly’s idea. The well wasn’t far. Between the four of us we’d be able to carry Tara. The well was deep. No one would ever find her. Hopefully.
Before we knew it, Cass had a plan. We’d chuck the pillowcase and rope into the well – no one would notice they were missing. She’d put the balaclavas back where she’d found them. She would hide Tara’s swimsuit and goggles somewhere, and take her flip-flops and towel down to the jetty by the loch. Everyone would think that Tara had gone for an early-morning swim and got into difficulty in the water. I wasn’t sure people would believe that, since Tara was one of the strongest swimmers in school, but Polly said that maybe they’d think she’d had an asthma attack. She did have a fucking asthma attack. Because we tortured her! I wanted to scream. Cass would back up the story by telling everyone she’d seen Tara creeping out of the cabin at dawn. The loch was huge. They’d give up looking for the body eventually.
I felt like I’d disappeared completely and left some amoral Alice in my place. I was going along with this even though I knew it was wrong. Evil, even. But I was scared. So scared. I didn’t want to go to prison. I didn’t want to break Dad’s heart. Cass had known full well the right buttons to push to make me do what she wanted.
Carrying Tara to the well was harder than you’d think. It was as if she was suddenly three times heavier than she would have been alive. I was stationed at her right arm. I kept on having to put my hand in her armpit to hoist her higher – to stop her from slipping from my grasp. Her skin felt wrong somehow, cold and clammy. Cass kept swearing under her breath. The other two were silent the whole way, like me.
Tara’s eyes were still open. I wanted to do that thing I’ve seen on TV, where some kindly doctor just passes his hand over the eyes of a dead person and the eyelids close as if by magic. But I wasn’t sure if it would work like that. And if it did, Tara would look like she was only sleeping. And I knew that wasn’t right.
We reached the well just as I was convinced that my arms were about to be yanked out of their sockets. We laid Tara down on the grass, as carefully as possible.
‘Right … OK, let’s do this.’ Cass’s voice was shaky as she dropped the pillowcase and rope into the well.
‘Are you sure? It’s not too late to …’ I didn’t even try to finish the sentence.
Cass put her hand on my shoulder. ‘It is too late. Alice, I’m so sorry. This should never have happened.’ Her voice was wobbly, but she didn’t cry.
We manoeuvred Tara over the wall and held her there for a few seconds before lowering her as far as we could. I didn’t want to let go. As her hand slipped through mine, I felt a ring come loose and I grasped it tightly in my fingers. I don’t know why.
There was a sickening sound when she landed at the bottom of the well. There was no going back now. We couldn’t pretend it had been an accident. We were covering up a crime. I prayed that God would forgive us – and I haven’t believed in God since Mum died.
Cass and Polly were peering over the side of the well so I took the opportunity to pocket the ring. Before I knew what was happening, Cass had picked up a huge rock and dropped it over the edge. Another sickening sound, even worse than the first.
‘What are you doing?’ I shouted.
Polly gestured at me frantically to be quiet, and Cass ignored me. She was scouting around for more rocks. I grabbed her arm. ‘Stop that!’
There was a horrifying blankness in her eyes when she looked at me and explained that we had to cover up the body. Just in case. Another prayer to a God I didn’t quite believe in.
We all helped to find rocks around the clearing. I couldn’t bring myself to drop any into the well. The thought of the havoc they were wreaking on Tara was unbearable. I had an image in my head of her beautiful face all caved in. Pulpy and ruined.
Cass kept on working, throwing rock after rock into the well. Eventually Polly put a hand on her shoulder. ‘That’s enough. We should go now.’ Cass didn’t seem to hear; she carried on.
Polly, Rae and I stood a few feet away, waiting. Eventually Cass fell to her knees, her shoulders slumped. I crouched down beside her. ‘Cass, we have to go.’
Cass looked at me, her eyes wide and terrified in the moonlight. ‘What have we done?’
I had no words.
16
Cass was back in control by the time we got back to the cabin. Or at least doing a very good job of pretending she was. She set about grabbing Tara’s swimming stuff while Polly and I watched. Rae had run to the bathroom as soon as we’d got back. A couple of minutes later I heard the shower running.
‘Give me your balaclavas. I’ll put them back on the way to the loch.’
I pulled mine from my pocket and handed it to her. ‘I’ll come with you.’
‘No. You won’t.’ She wouldn’t look me in the eye.
‘I want to.’
‘No. You don’t.’ She was right, of course.
Rae came out of the shower after Cass left. Her skin was ruddy from scrubbing. She got into bed and plugged in her headphones without even looking at me or Polly. I glanced over to check Polly’s reaction, but she was staring at Tara’s bed. The sponge bag and its spilled contents were on the bed where Rae and I had left them. The inhaler. Shit. Rae’s jacket was slung over a chair by her bed. I rifled through the pockets and was practically dizzy with relief when I found it. I tossed it over to Polly, who’d put everything else back into the spongebag in the meantime. Then she zipped up the bag, put it back under the bed and smoothed down the rumpled blanket.
We got ready for bed in silence. I lay in the semidarkness and let the tears try to drown me. They trickled down and settled in my ears. It tickled.
Cass crept in after about half an hour. I sat up and wiped away the tears. ‘Cass,’ I whispered.
She came over and sat on the edge of my bed.
‘Are you OK?’
The corners of her mouth turned up, acknowledging the banality of my question. ‘Been better.’
‘Do you think … anyone will find out?’
‘I have no idea. I’m not exactly an expert in this kind of thing. Alice, I’m so sorry.’ She took my hand in hers – a completely un-Cass-like gesture. ‘Do you think you can ever forgive me
?’ Her voice was small and weak.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ I whispered, but a voice inside my head screamed IT WAS YOUR FAULT. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
There’s not much left to tell. At breakfast Cass asked Danni if she’d seen Tara. Danni went to Miss Daley. Miss Daley spoke to Jess and Paul. No one was worried – not really. Not until they found Tara’s stuff on the jetty. Of course, they didn’t tell us what was going on. They kept us all together in the hall. Everyone huddled in little groups, wondering what the hell was going on. Rae sat as far away from us as she could possibly get. Polly kept glancing over at Danni, Sam and Gemma, and I found myself doing the same. They probably thought Tara was up to something. That’s what everyone else seemed to think – at least at first. Then Daley came in looking frantic. She took Cass away with her. I wasn’t worried that Cass would give anything away. Cass has always been an excellent liar.
And then the police arrived in three huge 4x4s. That’s when the mood changed. Some people started crying. I didn’t. It seemed like hours before Daley came back to tell us what was going on. Cass didn’t come back with her.
Daley told us that Tara was missing and we needed to keep calm and not panic. We had to stay there and let the police do their job. Search parties were being assembled. ‘I’m sure we’ll find her … I’m sure …’ Her voice trailed off and a tear trickled down her face. That nearly broke me. I wanted to tell her everything. Surely she’d understand? Everyone would understand. No one would blame us. But then a policeman in a Day-Glo jacket appeared in the doorway. His face was craggy and serious, and his laser eyes scanned the room. I could have sworn he looked at me for half a second longer than he looked at everyone else.
It was way too late to tell the truth.
Lunch came and went; no one ate very much.
They put on a DVD – a comedy; no one laughed very much.