by Eli Hai
“Tomorrow. Can you make it?” she asked hopefully.
“I’m sorry, Mom. You’ll have to manage without me. I can’t leave work, and to tell you the truth, I don’t want to come,” he said truthfully.
His mother was silent. So was he.
“In a few more months, I’ll get a few days off. When that happens, I’ll come visit,” he tried to cheer her up.
But his mother didn’t answer. All he could hear was her quiet sobbing.
“Mom!” he called suddenly.
“Yes,” she answered, and stopped crying.
“Don’t worry, Mom. It’ll be okay. If you need something, tell me. I have enough money. Tomorrow, I’ll wire you enough money through Western Union to help you pay off funeral expenses.”
“Thank you,” she said.
“Good-bye, Mom.”
“Good-bye, son,” she replied and hung up.
She’d always called him Jeff, never “son.” And now, when they were so far away, she called him “son.” Maybe now that his father was gone, something would change in her?
After that conversation, he continued thinking about his dream. His identification with the Jews in World War II surprised him.
When darkness fell, he heard a knock on the door. At first, he wasn’t sure, but then he heard another knock. He hurried to the door. When he opened it, a surprise awaited him.
Chapter 6
Saturday afternoon, it rained without a pause. The sound of the downpour permeated the house, breaking the silence. Rivka or Rivkel, like everyone called her, was almost alone in the big house. Her mother slept soundly in her room, and her father had left for a Torah lesson at the synagogue before the afternoon prayer. Calm overcame her. She lay on her bed contentedly, grasped her pillow with both hands, pressed it to her slender body, and rolled on the bed. The pillow against her breasts and stomach was pleasing. Her nipples pebbled, and a feeling of delight spread through her body. Only one more year, one year, until she too would come of age, leave home, and be alone with her intended. And thank God, she had a shidduch and a good one at that.
“Abraham-David comes from a good, well-to-do home, and most important, he’s a prodigy in the Torah,” the matchmaker promised. And why wouldn’t he be? Why wouldn’t she deserve a worthy husband? All her brothers and sisters were married, and all of them had exceptionally successful spouses. She was a fine girl as well, and she also deserved a good shidduch, she concluded to herself in satisfaction. After that, she raised her head and thanked God. She’d already seen her intended groom. Once she had seen him when the matchmaker had introduced the two families. The other times, she’d watched him at the synagogue, mostly during morning prayer on Saturday. Luckily, she liked him.
Her intended was a tall, thin man, with the smooth face of an angel, like a newborn baby. He had a protruding chin with a small dimple in the middle and large, upturned nose. He had small, deep-set brown eyes that were soft and tender. He always dressed well, as a Hasid of his position should. A black striped suit of the latest fashion covered a white shirt and a tie, and on his shaved head rested a fancy black hat. Long brown sideburns curled down the sides of his face and almost reached his shoulders. Indeed, every time she looked at him, she was content. Blessed be the Lord, who sent her an excellent groom.
Abraham-David was, without a doubt, the desire of every girl in the Hassidic community. Although they had never held a conversation, neither at her house or at the synagogue, more than once she’d heard his voice when he was called upon to read the Torah in the synagogue.
He had a clear, pleasant voice. She wondered what he thought of her. Did he also consider her a good match? Did he like children? She loved children and wanted many, even ten if possible. And he? She’d already heard about matches that had failed because one of the spouses was sterile or didn’t even want children, God forbid, and that, despite the commandment to procreate. Then she decided to calm down; she had no doubt that that wasn’t the case regarding them, and that Avraham-David loved children just as much as she did.
While she thought about her intended, she clambered off her bed and went to get an apple. She ate contentedly, and her large light-blue eyes followed the traces left by her teeth. So sweet and juicy, she thought and took one bite after another. The fruit of paradise, she concluded. Suddenly, she jerked her arm up in alarm and threw it as though it was a burning piece of coal. The apple rolled on the floor, until it stopped in the corner of the room, collecting dust that damaged its perfect beauty.
Rivka’s face paled, and her lips quivered slightly. Eating an apple was explicitly forbidden! She’d eaten again without a blessing. This time, she skipped the “bore pri haetz” blessing, which blessed the fruit from the trees. Her fears grew stronger when she recalled that just this past Shabbat evening, as she prayed in the synagogue, she heard Rabbi Ziegel’s sermon. Rabbi Ziegel, who was considered a great adjudicator, said that eating fruit without a blessing was the same as stealing. Eating without thanking God, who had given us that food, was the same as stealing, the rabbi adjudicated resolutely. And she, Rivka, was not a thief, God forbid!
This wasn’t the first time she’d stumbled. A week ago, she’d gobbled up a slice of cream cake, and only when she’d finished eating it, did she remember that she didn’t say the “Mezonot” prayer. And there was that time when she went to bed and fell asleep without saying the evening “Arvit” prayer. In the middle of the night, she’d jerked awake in fright, her entire body trembling from fear. In an attempt to atone for her sin, she’d sat on her bed, and read the “Shema Israel” and five more chapters from Psalms. Only then, did she go back to sleep. But these sins were nothing compared to the sin she committed last Thursday. A sin of true lawlessness. And she had no one to blame but herself, for this time she’d sinned clear-mindedly.
She and Dvora, her best friend, had snuck into one of Manhattan’s shopping centers. The decision to do that was unbearable and wasn’t made easily. Dvora had tried many times to commit the terrible, daring deed, yet she was unsuccessful.
“What sin is there in two girls taking an innocent walk in the city?” Dvora persisted.
“You’re crazy! What business do we have in the city?”
“I’m not crazy! You’re crazy!” Dvora retaliated. “What’s crazy about two girls getting on the bus and going to the city center?”
“Okay, don’t get mad! I promise I’ll think it over,” Rivka said, trying to cool her friend’s ire without any intention of keeping her promise.
“Well, have you considered my offer?” Dvora asked several days later.
“What offer exactly?” Rivka asked oh so innocently.
“You’re kidding, right? Our trip into the city, of course! You promised you’d think it over.”
“Honestly? I didn’t really mean it when I said that. Enough with this craziness, Dvora. There’s nothing for us in the city!” she replied.
“Sometimes, I think you’re totally stupid. Can you explain to me, once and for all, what’s so awful about us seeing and knowing what’s going on around us? We don’t live in an empty world. Events that shock everyone are happening right next to us, and we just close our eyes. The rabbis control us and forbid us from doing almost everything. Why should we listen to a bunch of old men whose only wish is to lock us up at home and leave us ignorant?” Dvora’s harsh and unexpected attack astounded Rivka.
“Oy vey! What are you saying? You mustn’t talk like that. You’ll be punished by forces above,” she gasped in alarm.
“The fact of the matter is that, although I think like this all the time, nothing’s happened to me. I’m healthy and whole. And I’ll let you in on a secret: several weeks ago I took the subway into the city, all by myself, and I actually had a lot of fun.”
“To the city? All by yourself?” Rivka paled.
Dvora nodded, and her eyes twinkled.
“The fires of hell will consume you at the end of your days, and nothing will be left of you,” Rivka flung at
her.
“Will you relax with that nonsense! It’s just an innocent stroll in the city.”
“A city full of abomination is not an innocent stroll. You’ll end up like Mrs. Zliekowitz, who was banished from the Hasidic community until she went crazy, and now she’s in the madhouse,” Rivka stated decisively.
“Yeah, such a disaster. I hope they’ll banish me, and I’ll be free of this prison. And reading books in secret, as opposed to the rabbis’ opinion, is not a sin!”
“That’s not the same thing at all,” Rivka said uncomfortably.
“Why?” Dvora said defiantly.
“Because… because… because reading adds knowledge, while a walk in a city filled with lasciviousness is a disgraceful act that conflicts with our ways.” Rivka could barely find the words, but she articulated them tastefully, just like the books she read.
The two girls had been reading fiction, poetry, and philosophy of all kinds for quite a while. However, while Dvora loved plain fiction, Rivka focused on science books. She especially loved books that taught about the universe. Not that she doubted the creation of the world by God Almighty, God forbid.
She felt as though, this way, she was learning about the creation in a more thorough and profound way. The two girls had always felt like confidants, and together, they’d secretly devoured the written word. They’d been very close friends since childhood. Together, they adhered to ways of the Torah, unquestioningly and unthinkingly. Reading did expand their horizons, but it didn’t cause them to doubt, even slightly, the truthfulness of the way their parents had paved for them.
At least, that’s how things were until that point, because lately, it seemed as though Dvora had lost it. Her mind and mouth were filled with heresy, to the point that sometimes Rivka considered abandoning her good friend. She was afraid that some of that heresy would stick to her. Was the fact that a shidduch hadn’t been found for Dvora the reason for those fissures in her faith? Perhaps, her good friend was envious of her and wanted to drag her to forbidden places, and thus, to cause her to fail? Or perhaps, she’d experienced something that totally made her lose her mind? Rivka was convinced that she was better off taking a step back from their friendship, which seemed more dangerous than ever. But something in her wouldn’t allow her to do so. She loved Dvora deeply, of that she had no doubt. Would abandoning her be the honorable, fair thing to do? Wasn’t it better that she speak to her heart and set her back on the straight path? But perhaps Dvora was right? Not completely right, yet, maybe there was a grain of truth in her words? What was the harm if they went into the city for a short outing? From the day she was born, she’d never left Brooklyn even once. She didn’t know a thing, apart from school, synagogue, and the houses of friends and relatives. Her only aperture to the world was through the books hidden in the back of her closet. This certainly wasn’t a life well lived, but when she got married, everything would change. She and Avraham-David would travel the world, thus satisfying her curiosity.
Her friend Dvora had no doubts. Her first sexual experience had changed her opinion from one extreme to the other. She gave her virginity to a boy she barely knew, and ever since, had met him regularly and experienced a new world, full of insatiable thrills and passions. She kept the relationship a secret from Rivka, afraid that it would frighten her friend, and she would cut off her ties with Dvora. But that didn’t stop her from trying to cajole her to go out together to the big world. Without understanding why Rivka eventually succumbed to her friend’s caprices. Perhaps yetzer hara, the inclination to evil, also raged within her?
One day, they secretly snuck out and traveled straight to the shopping center in the heart of Manhattan. They went from store to store and studied the daring dresses presented, alas, in front of everyone. Rivka couldn’t stop looking around in fright, terrified someone she knew would walk by and see her.
“It’s promiscuity to wear a dress like that, which doesn’t cover a thing,” she whispered in her friend’s ear while Dvora studied in amazement the transparent red dress on the dummy in the window.
“I’d actually like to try that dress on. At least once,” Dvora said and winked at her friend, and both of them burst out laughing. The idea that the buxom Dvora would wear a dress with such a generous neckline amused both of them.
“Let’s go inside. I want to try it on,” she said.
“God forbid! That does it! I won’t even consider it! If you go in, I’m leaving!”
“So wait for me outside, scaredy cat. And look at me from outside. Believe me, you’ll have something to look at.” Dvora laughed.
Before Rivka had time to react, Dvora entered the store, leaving behind a shocked and confused Rivka. She approached the salesgirl and pointed at the dress in the window. The salesgirl gave Dvora a thorough once-over, went to one of the shelves, and returned with the desired dress. Several minutes later, Dvora emerged from the changing room with a victorious smile. Rivka almost fainted when she saw her friend. Under the transparent dress, her racy blue underwear and transparent bra were easily noticeable. Her large breasts threatened to burst from the narrow dress.
“Take that off and get out of that shop right now, crazy!” Rivka shouted from outside. “All we need is someone to notice you, and that’s the end of us.”
“You’re crazy,” Rivka told her friend when she emerged from the store. “I am now positive you belong in the madhouse.”
“Indeed, I am. I’m crazy, but at least I’m crazy and happy,” Dvora replied, and her eyes danced happily.
“I didn’t know that those innocent dresses you wear hide such daring undergarments. How do you have the guts to wear bras and panties like those? And where did you get them from?”
“From here,” Dvora answered succinctly.
“From here?” Rivka’s jaw dropped open in shock.
“I bought them in this shop several days ago. Remember, I told you I was in the city?”
“Yes, I remember. Now let’s go home! I’ve had enough for one day,” Rivka demanded.
“It’s your turn now,” Dvora said suddenly, ignoring her friend’s anger.
“My turn? With the transparent dress? Are you out of your mind? I’ve had enough of your craziness; I want to go home!”
“You know what? I have an idea. Not the dress. Try on a pair of pants. Don’t be afraid! I’m curious to see what you look like in a pair of pants.”
“No,” Rivka said resolutely and started walking toward the exit of the shopping center.
“All right, calm down.” Dvora hurried after her. “It took us so long to get here, and already you want to leave? Let’s stay here for another half hour. Just a half hour, I promise.”
“A half hour and that’s it? Not one minute more, and no nonsense, and you’d better keep your promise.”
They continued going from shop to shop until they entered a large electronics store. The store was heaving with consumers. The noise was deafening, and colorful lights flashed on the television screens. Rivka stopped and stared at one of the television screens. A masculine man appeared on the screen, wearing shorts, and diligently demonstrating exercises. For several long minutes, she curiously followed the flexible, sinewy athlete’s movements.
“Hey, Rivkel,” Dvora swooped on the opportunity. “I didn’t know you noticed men. If Avraham-David knew… there goes the shidduch…”
“Don’t be mean. He just reminds me of that guy who lives in our basement, the one who rented the place from my brother. And what do you mean ‘notice’? He’s a Christian!” Rivka almost spat in anger.
“Okay, sweetie, calm down, I’m just joking. Even if you do desire other men apart from your intended, it’s fine with me.”
“You’re crazy. I’ve had enough of you today!” Rivka concluded, and they started making their way to the subway.
At the station, they noticed a couple kissing. Rivka covered her eyes with both hands, and Dvora burst into laughter at the sight of her shy friend.
When they sat a
t the back of the car, Dvora whispered, “Say, have you ever tried it?”
“Tried what?” Rivka asked.
“Touching there,” Dvora looked at her friend’s lower stomach.
“I don’t understand what you mean.” Rivka really didn’t understand what she meant.
“Touching here,” Dvora gestured at her vagina.
“Are you crazy? What’s wrong with you today? You’ve lost your mind completely!” Rivka hissed, horrified, and turned her head away so her friend wouldn’t notice her flushed cheeks.
“You should try. It’s the most wonderful thing in the world…” Dvora whispered in Rivka’s ear.
“I’ll pass on that pleasure!” Rivka bit out decisively.
“It’s called masturbation, sweetie,” Dvora teased her friend. “It’s this supreme feeling that I can’t even describe in words. You should try it once.”
“Stop, please stop. I don’t want to hear anything else,” Rivka cried out and closed her ears. It seemed as though her anger had achieved its purpose. Dvora fell silent.
That night, lying in bed, Rivka couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d seen that day. She kept seeing her friend wearing that transparent dress, her curves visible, like the women who sold their bodies in houses of inequity. Then she recalled the moans of delight of the girl at the subway station. Was it love or just wanton acts meant to satisfy cheap passion? When she thought of it, she was overcome by an odd feeling. Her body trembled with excitement. Hesitantly, she touched herself lightly, first her breasts and then down there, in that forbidden place. She wanted to understand that thrill her friend talked about. In her imagination, she saw her neighbor from the basement lean toward her, kiss her, and passionately knead her breasts. Her hands continued to stroke herself, and a forbidden pleasure, the kind that she’d never felt before, started spreading through her body. She moaned. Her head threatened to explode. And then, just before she reached satisfaction, she panicked and jerked her hands away. Slowly, the excitement passed, replaced by shame and regret. The excursion into the city and her hands on her body seemed now like a crazy journey of lasciviousness and abomination. She tried to delete the day’s events from her mind, but unsuccessfully. Only then, did she notice that the object of her passion wasn’t Avraham-David, her intended groom, but the neighbor from the basement apartment.