by Eli Hai
Shortly after lighting the candles and eating the donuts, her parents retired to their room. Rivka took a shower, put on her best clothes, combed her hair, wore makeup and perfumed. Finally, she wrapped herself in her coat and left the house.
A cold gust of wind greeted her as though waiting for her arrival. Sullen and angry, it whipped her exposed face mercilessly. On the pavement, rolled strange eddies of autumn leaves, leftover from the autumn, which suddenly seemed so far away. With every step she took, tears welled up in her eyes. They were so many that it was hard for her to see the leaves intact. One rogue tear made it way down her cheek. At first, it was warm. However, after that, it succumbed to the cold and froze before it had time to reach Rivka’s lips.
When Rivka reached the stairs leading to his house, she gripped the railing for fear of falling. Then she stood and looked around. It was almost completely dark, and even as she strained her eyes, she saw nothing. As she walked down the stairs, she was accompanied by an odd feeling that someone was following her. She paused again and looked back. She didn’t see a soul. Standing there, she took a handkerchief out of her pocket, wiped her tears, blew her nose, and after some hesitation, she continued down the stairs until she reached his door. This time, she rang the bell, pressing long and purposefully so that there would be no doubt as to her intentions.
He opened the door. Wearing a T-shirt and shorts, he stood in front of her in all his beauty. The surprise was evident on his face. “You again,” he said carelessly, disappointment evident in his voice.
She nodded, insulted, still standing in the doorway.
“Come in,” he regained his composure, as though regretting his first sentence.
She walked into the house, and when he shut the door, she stood there, looking at him hopefully.
“I’m sorry. You came at a bad time, “ he apologized.
“Why?” she asked quietly.
“Because I have to go out soon.”
“Should I come another time?” she suggested.
“It’s okay, you can stay a while. I still have time,” he relented, fearing she’d feel rejected.
Rivka hesitated.
“Sit down, sit down,” he urged her and pointed to a chair. “Is everything okay with you?” he asked after noticing how pale her face was.
“So-so,” she replied with difficulty.
“I think you came here because you wanted to tell me something, right?”
“Yes, I have a lot to say…” she said, squirming in her seat uncomfortably. “You know, lately, since I met you at my brother’s house, I...you know, I’m confused. Suddenly, I began to think I was living the life of a lie, a life that I don’t belong to.” She stopped talking, examining his response.
“And?” he urged her.
“Life outside resonated with me more. It’s not that I stopped believing in God, Heaven forbid, but suddenly everything seemed different. Do you understand? Like I don’t belong to the world I’m living in. I want to live like secular girls. Wear jeans and T-shirts, go to the beach in the summer and sunbathe, watch a good movie, or even go see a play on Broadway. Watch television without fear, openly read books and study Earth Sciences at the university. I know not everything is clean and beautiful on the other side, but I’m sure it would be better for me there,” she blurted out.
“And what’s all this got to do with me?” he wondered.
“Now, when I think about it, I realize I’ve always had doubts about my way of life. I didn’t think about it deeply, as I do now. Everything I’ve done until now was what was expected of me. I never questioned that. I just did what everyone else did, without questions and doubts. You know, I have a good friend named Dvora. About two years ago, she and I started to read books secretly, you know, books that aren’t related to religion. Those books helped me discover how stupid I was. Suddenly, a whole new world opened before me, the world that the Almighty, that even now I believe in, created for me. Once, we even sneaked to the city, you know, out of curiosity. We wanted to know what was going on. Other lives have always been in my consciousness. But only when I met you did I begin to seriously consider a change. Suddenly, I not only thought about things but also dared to do them.”
“Like what?” he asked.
“Like what? Get to the city, come to you. In the past, I would never dare to do such things, and yet, this is the second time I’ve come here.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to leave the Hasidic community and live far away from here with you.” Her voice confident.
“Why me?” He wanted to understand more.
Rivka looked up at him sadly. “You really don’t understand? Can’t you see that...I love you? Are you blind? Do you not see that I’ve gone mad with love? When I met you, I thought you were a nice guy, fun to be with, talk to, nothing more. Suddenly, I found myself wanting to spend more and more time with you. I thought of you during the day, thought of you during the night, thought of you everywhere. I was on the verge of madness. I felt I had to come to you. You know, when I was here the last time you and I kissed you, I felt the clouds. I felt there was nothing more lovely than to kiss the man you love. Since I’ve been thinking only of you, and I don’t know what to do…”
She looked up at him pleadingly, hoping he’d come to her, hold her. But Jeff sat down, buried his head in his hands, and said nothing.
“Take me, please. Take me to you, please.” She stood up and then sat down next to him.
Jeff looked at her. He felt pity for the girl he was so fond of.
Rivkel,” he said after some thought. “I think this is two different things. Let’s try to compartmentalize. First, the life you live, or the life you want to live, has nothing to do with me. If you feel bad where you are now, you should leave. If you don’t like the way you live, go. You’re mature enough to decide your future. Don’t let others determine how you live. I, for example, left my hometown because I thought it wasn’t the right place for me and I needed to seek my future elsewhere. Since I met you and Aaron, I’ve asked myself how can anyone live in such a closed world, a world without openness, like the one you live in. You know what? Sometimes I think your brother chose me as a friend because, for him, I might be a window to a world he wanted to live in but couldn’t. Perhaps, this is also why you want me. You want to leave, and without realizing it, you see me as a bridge to another life. Leave me aside. Go after your faith, and everything will be fine. I promise you that everything will work out.” He looked very pleased with the way he phrased his words.
“And the second thing?” she asked tensely.
“I’ve thought of it a lot. I thought about you a lot since you were here. I don’t think a relationship between us is a good thing,” he said succinctly.
“But...but, I love you. Does my love mean nothing to you?” she asked desperately.
Stop, Rivkel. I like you very much. Maybe even more than I should. You’re a beautiful and intelligent girl that every guy would love to get to know, but I’m Christian and you’re Jewish! Even if you don’t stay religious, you’re still a Jew. Don’t abandon your religion and faith for the man you think you like.” As he talked, he looked up at the clock. It was seven. He breathed with relief. There was still time until Eve arrived.
“I don’t care about your faith. This country is full of Christians and Jews that are intertwined with each other. If I can’t have you, my life isn’t worth a thing.” She approached him and put her head on his shoulder. “You know...you won’t believe it, but I love you so much that before coming over here, I decided to give myself to you. Yes, I’m ready to lose my virginity, and more importantly, I am ready to give you my soul,” she said with tears in her eyes.
“No, kiddo. You don’t love me. You only think you do, but that’s not the case. Do you know what love is? You just said that you were confused. Once you give yourself to me, you’ll regret it, but by then it’ll be too late. It really is confusing to be marrying a person offering you a lifestyle you d
o not want. Your way of life should be your choice. Every person has the freedom to choose his way according to his desire and belief,” he said, wiping her tears with his fingers.
“I do know what love is,” she whispered indignantly and then persisted stubbornly, “Do you know what love is? What do you know about love? Huh, tell me what you know.”
Jeff was silent.
“Well, smart aleck, tell me what is love? If you don’t know, I’ll tell you what love is,” she exclaimed as excitedly as she had last night. “Love isn’t a kiss on the lips or hug around the waist! No way! Love is giving unconditionally and without expecting anything back. Such is my love for you. I’m prepared to give you everything I have, even my life. Yes, my life!” Rivka began to cry again.
Jeff kept his silence. For a moment, he wondered if Eve loved him this way. Would she also be prepared to give her life for him? Could he give his life for the sake of love? He doubted it!
“Stop crying, kiddo. Stop crying,” Jeff put his arm on her shoulder, wishing to comfort her.
“I’m not pretty enough for you,” she blurted suddenly, and bitter laughter mixed with her weeping.
“That’s not true; you’re very pretty. One of the prettiest girls I’ve ever met, and I’m not saying this just to make you happy. The day will come, and you will see it. The day will come, and you’ll recognize your own worth and your beauty. And on that day, you’ll also find your love,” he promised.
“So why?”
“Why what?”
“Why don’t you want me?”
Jeff hesitated. He didn’t want to torment her. Didn’t want to tell her about his love for another woman.
“I told you, we don’t fit,” he lied reluctantly.
“And is this the only reason?” she asked. She wanted to be sure there wasn’t another reason he’d rejected her.
“That’s the only reason,” he lied resolutely.
“And what do you think I should do now?”
“Go somewhere else. Don’t be afraid. Leave this place you don’t like anyway. Forget Brooklyn. You can build a new life somewhere else, and I am sure you will succeed. Do what I did, and you’ll be fine.”
“You’re a man. It’ easier for men to just get up and leave. It’s different for girls. They’re more dependent on the house. Look at me, for example, where would I go? How would I make a living? I can’t afford even the bus ticket. I can’t leave. I’m doomed. I want to leave, but I don’t think I’m capable of doing so. If I’m lucky, no one will know I was here, and then I’ll marry Avraham-David, have children and raise them with sideburns and a shtreimel. If I’m unlucky, my intended will abandon me, and I’ll wait until they find a third-degree match,” she concluded sadly.
“You’re wrong. You’re not thinking as you should. I cannot believe you’re giving up so easily. If you marry Avraham-David against what your heart is telling you, you’ll suffer your entire life, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. Don’t do it, Rivkel. Where will you go? That is a really difficult question, and I wish I could help you in this matter. If you decide to leave, I’m sure you’ll also know where to. As for the money? Save! Save every cent that reaches your hands. When you have enough money, you leave. And if you run out of money, there will always be someone who’s willing to help you.”
Rivka did not answer him. From the way he’d welcomed her, she’d realized he wouldn’t be with her. She decided not to cry anymore in his presence. She was proud of what she was and wasn’t ashamed of what she’d done. She would return home with her head held high and wait for things to come. Maybe she’d marry, maybe not. Many questions would be tested, primarily the question of whether you can overcome the pains of love.
“I’m sorry, but I have to end the conversation. I have to leave right away. We can talk another time.” Jeff glanced at the clock again. Time was running out. Soon, Eve would arrive, and he hadn’t even taken a shower.
“Thank you for your time,” she said, turning to go.
I’m sorry things are like this,” he said as he leaned over and kissed her cheek, feeling his heart ache.
Rivka walked slowly up the stairs. When she reached the top step, she stood in place, panting from the effort required, suddenly. Then she stepped on the path leading to her house. On the way, she noticed a fancy jeep pulling over under the streetlight, just in front of the basement. A woman climbed out of the car. Rivka couldn’t see her face clearly, but her wealth was evident in her clothes. The expensive fur coat wrapping her, her fashionable boots and narrow red skirt were evidence enough. The woman turned to the stairs leading to Jeff’s apartment. Rivka watched her until she disappeared down the stairs.
She felt tears clogging her throat. She took a deep breath and walked faster. The street was quiet and deserted, and only the murmur of the wind broke the silence as it continued carrying the leaves, straight into her sad face, slapping her with incomprehensible rage. And one leaf, the one clinging to her coat, where her heart beat, was broken. Indeed, love was a bitch.
Chapter 10
Traffic was light on the roads. It started snowing when darkness fell, scaring away partygoers, most of whom chose to stay at home. Eve’s vehicle was among the few gliding down the slippery road. She drove slowly. Snowflakes piled on the road, painting it white, but had no impact on the vehicle’s steadiness. The big, powerful, four-wheel drive continued paving its way confidently.
The interior of the spacious car was warm and pleasant. The quiet purr of the engine and classical music didn’t break the silence. Jeff was tired and preoccupied. He leaned back and yawned loudly, hoping Eve would notice and accelerate. The drive from Manhattan to Brooklyn seemed longer and more tiresome than usual. He yearned to arrive home, curl up under his down covers, and sleep.
“I love this weather. Snow illuminates the night and makes it so much prettier,” Eve broke the silence, which had started to weigh on her.
“Uh huh,” Jeff agreed without really paying any attention to what she was saying.
“Look under the lamplights. Look what a lovely sight. Snowflakes falling from the sky as though they intend on decorating the city for Christmas,” she said, trying to sound festive.
“You should hurry up, honey. The snow’s coming down harder, and we may get stuck on the way.” This time, he urged her to drive faster, ignoring her observations.
“Don’t worry. My car can handle harsher conditions than these. Even if the storm gets worse, we’ll make it to your place. Last year, I was caught in the middle of a snowstorm when I drove from Manhattan to New Jersey for dinner with my parents. The jeep handled it beautifully and didn’t give me any trouble,” she replied, disappointed with his answer.
For the first time in their relationship, a note of complaint crept into her voice.
“And yet, you still better hurry,” he bit out.
“Worst-case scenario, if I’m unable to drive back, I sleep over at your place,” she winked playfully. She hoped it would improve his sullen mood. To her disappointment, Jeff remained silent, his expression impassive and preoccupied. Obviously, something was bothering him, something unknown to her.
“Did you enjoy the show?” she asked after a while.
“It was very nice,” he replied succinctly.
“It was great, right? Beautiful. I haven’t seen such a lovely show in quite a while,” she tried again to revive the conversation but was unsuccessful.
Eve didn’t understand Jeff’s silence. She didn’t know that during the entire show and after, Jeff had been thinking about Rivka. He yearned for things to be different. He really did try to concentrate on the amazing performance, to feel the excitement the rest of the spectators had felt, but he couldn’t. He sat through the show, thoughts of her consuming him. His concern for Rivka was genuine and deep. She was important to him. Was it possible he loved her? Was it possible to love two women at the same time?
Watching a Broadway show had always been a wish of his. For years, he dreamed of sit
ting in one of the spacious seats in a fancy theater, watching the play. He would even go to the opera, which wasn’t really his bag. And he never hid this desire from Eve. “Six months in the city, and I haven’t had the opportunity to go to a show. Mostly, because I didn’t have anyone to go with,” he hinted.
And an infatuated Eve had worked hard to procure tickets to a new musical that had just opened on Broadway, acclaimed by everyone. Using her connections, and for two-hundred and fifty bucks a ticket, she’d made his dream come true. And now, to her disappointment, he remained indifferent to what he’d seen and heard, and that, despite the fact they had sat only several feet away from the stage.
“You were telling me about your landlord’s daughter, and then the show started, and you stopped. Do you want to tell me now?” Eve decided to change the subject.
“Are you a mind-reader?” he asked seriously.
“No. Why?”
“Because I was just thinking of her,” he said.
“What exactly were you thinking about?” she inquired, offended that the neighbor’s daughter was the source of his bad mood. On the other hand, at least now he was willing to talk. It looked as though the subject was very close to his heart.
“I think she’s really miserable.”
“Why? What happened to her? Is she sick or something?”
“No, she’s not sick. Although maybe she would be better off if she were sick. You can recover from an illness after several days. But she’s been suffering for quite a while. Who knows when her suffering will be over,” he said thoughtfully.