by Eli Hai
“Rico, I have another request for you. Please give this letter, in person, to Ahron. Don’t leave it in the shop with anyone else. Give it only to Ahron himself. Promise?”
“Sure.”
“And try, when you give him the letter, to be sure that no one else sees you do it. I’m afraid that if anyone sees it, they’ll conspire against him, too. I have a feeling he’ll help her. I know him well. He loves his little sister very much. He won’t let her fall.”
“I hope so,” Rico said.
The next day, Rico entered the office and reported to Jeff about the results of his meeting with Ahron. “When I came to the store, he wasn’t there, but he arrived ten minutes later. I caught him just before he entered the shop. When he saw me, he was apprehensive. ‘You again,’ he said. I didn’t say much, just took out the envelope, put it in his hand, and told him it was important that he opened it and read it. Before he had time to react, I left so he wouldn’t have any regrets.”
“Good thinking. So, what do you say? Will he read it?”
“I think so. Curiosity and the money will work their magic. Will he do something for the good of his sister? About that, I’m not so sure. If he’s as good a guy as you say he is, and he has some brains in his head, he’ll do something.”
“I actually have a good feeling about the entire matter,” Jeff said.
Jeff continued with his routine. He didn’t forget Rivka, but after he had done something and eased his conscience a bit, he thought of her only occasionally. The question, whether his letter had done any good, remained opened.
Until the day the phone rang.
Chapter 13
“Under no circumstance! Over my dead body! I know their son, he’s completely crazy. Not slightly touched in the head, like the matchmaker said, but more like a huge hole in the head. He’s a true madman. I once saw him run down the street, God help us, naked as the day he was born! His mother ran after him, holding his clothes, trying to catch up with him and put some clothes on him. He was screaming like a nutcase, and nobody understood what he was saying. You want to marry her with a man like that? No! Rivkel’s life will become a nightmare. In this case, she and we are better off that she stay single,” Reuven seethed after his parents confided in him of their decision to marry Rivka to the Birnbaums’ son.
“If not him, then who?” Moishel asked, wringing his hands in despair.
“My friend, Yitzhak, has a brother, one or two years older than Rivkel, I think. A pleasant man and a great scholar. His name is Avner,” Reuven began, as though preparing himself for a long discussion. Then, he felt silent, as if considering how to continue.
“Nu, so what’s the problem?” Yehudit asked excitedly.
“He’s...blind,” he said quietly. “Actually, not completely blind. Yitzhak claims that he can see some shadows,” he added in an attempt to soften their anticipated protest.
“What does that mean, ‘sees some shadows’? Does that mean he can get around without assistance?” Moishel asked practically.
“I don’t know, Papa! I think if that were the case, the man would already be married, with children.”
“My poor Rivkel. Her entire life, she’ll have to take care of him, and all because of a moment of foolishness, a moment of weakness. I don’t think this man is a good match for her. Oy, why did this have to happen. Why?” Yehudit bemoaned.
“Mother, we can sit here all day and ask why, why? We can’t change what already happened. We have to look forward.”
“Look forward to what? What kind of life is waiting for her?” his mother continued mournfully.
“There’s no choice, Mother. You can say of Avner that he’s the best of the worst. At least Rivkel will live with a decent man who will treat her respectfully. They’ll be able to raise a family. And even more importantly, he’s the son of the Ziedenbaums, a well-known, wealthy family. The father is very important, a wealthy diamond merchant. He can take care of all of their needs. I’m sure the marriage will be a success. Similar things have happened. Why, look at Yoseph and Sarah, who live just down the street. Both of them are completely blind, yet they live happily, and they have eight beautiful, healthy children. Nu, what do you think?” Reuven asked, and waited apprehensively for his parents’ answers, as though they were, in fact, discussing his future.
“I don’t know. I’m filled with doubts...”
“And can you arrange a meeting?” asked Moishel, who found solace in the fact that the family was wealthy.
“Of course. Give me a few days. I’ll speak with Yitzhak and get back to you with an answer,” he promised, ignoring his mother’s doubts.
“At least, we won’t need that greedy Gietel’s help,” Moishel concluded, pleased to be saving a substantial amount of money.
When they told Rivka about the shidduch, she reacted indifferently. Her expression remained impassive, as though the entire matter didn’t concern her. Even the fact that the man was blind left no impression on her. As far as she was concerned, the mere fact that he was a Hasid made him undesirable in her eyes. She remained resolute. She no longer wanted to be part of the Hasidic community!
The meeting took place ten days later. Her parents, Reuven and Yitzhak participated and, of course, the intended bride and groom. Suspicion was rife on both sides.
When the guests entered, Moishel and Yehudit looked at Avner with curiosity mixed with dread. Avner held onto his brother’s arm, who helped him find his place in the armchair. As for the Ziedenbaums, they scrutinized Rivka closely, sending piercing looks, as though they could figure her out just by looking.
“What will you drink?” Yehudit asked if only to slightly ease the tense atmosphere.
“Don’t bother, Mrs. Stienberg. We’ll drink later,” Mr. Ziedenbaum declined.
“Nevertheless, I’ll get you something,” Yehudit suggested when everyone sat down.
“I’ll help you,” Mrs. Ziedenbaum jumped at the opportunity and joined Yehudit on her way to the kitchen, where she hurried to ask curiously, “Dear Yehudit, first tell me if there’s any truth in the stories about your daughter. Rumors are that she’s no longer a virgin, that a Christian, God help us, had her, and it was all with her consent. Yitzhak, my son, says it’s all nonsense, the figment of people’s imaginations. But you must know the truth. If she’s not a virgin, we should cut this short right now, and we’ll go home as though nothing occurred.”
“My Rivkel is as pure as the driven snow. I’m willing to swear on that, Mrs. Ziedenbaum. There wasn’t even a touch of their hands,” Yehudit answered, not bothering to hide her insult from the intrusive question. Anyone would think her blind son was perfect, and that all the girls of the Hasidut were chasing him!
“No need to swear, I believe you. I always knew Rivkel was a good girl from a good family, and that the rumors are just the gossip of spiteful people who have nothing to do but sit at home all day and talk nonsense.”
“And your son, Avner? Reuven says he sees shadows. But when you walked in, I noticed him fumbling his way, literally unable to see a thing,” Yehudit retaliated.
“Golden he is, my boy. Once, when he was little, the doctors said that maybe he saw shadows in one eye. He was born with a defect, to his bad luck. But I’ll have you know, Mrs. Stienberg, that he’s a very special person. Rivkel will be happy with him. He has everything a woman could wish for. Wisdom, diligence, kindness, and the most important thing, he has great knowledge of the Torah that others, who have two seeing eyes, don’t have,” the mother praised her son.
“If only! Hopefully, God Almighty will bless them and light their way,” Yehudit concluded the exchange, gesturing with her eyes at the refreshments, a hint that the conversation was over.
An easy discussion had developed in the living room. The only ones who didn’t talk were Rivkel and Avner. Rivka seemed completely disconnected from her surroundings. Most of the time she stared into space, and it looked as though the meeting didn’t interest her. So indifferent was she to what w
as going on, that she didn’t bother, not even once, to look at her intended groom. Avner was also silent, but it seemed as though his silence stemmed from shyness.
When the meeting was over, it was decided that in four months, God willing, the two would wed.
“A wedding like this never has and never will be seen in New York,” Avner’s father declared joyously.
After the meeting, Rivka shut herself in her room. It wasn’t her family’s ban that caused her to behave like this. Melancholy consumed her, and she lost the will to live. She barely ate or slept. Reading, which she’d once loved so, was forgotten, and she stayed away from showers, which were favored by her. It wasn’t long before she became thin and hunched. Her face shriveled, and her twinkling blue eyes became dull and sunken. Her golden curls, which had been her pride and joy, lost their shine and looked like a wild nest of dirty yellow yarn.
One night, she had a fleeting thought that she was losing her mind and was better off taking her own life. Yes, she’d kill herself and end her torment. But, did she have the strength to do it? And if so, then how? Would she hang herself and die gasping for air, or should she swallow pills until she lost consciousness and died? Once, she heard of a young Hasidic man who’d slit his wrists and died of blood loss. No. She couldn’t hurt herself like that. In her childhood, the sight of blood, even from a tiny wound, was enough to horrify her. No! She’d find another way, one more delicate, simple, and from there, she would move on to the next world, where everything was peaceful and calm, and people were equal. Heaven would open its gates in her honor! Angels would wrap her in love! Indeed? Was there really a place in heaven for those who took the law into their own hands and took their own lives? And if she did this deed, what would become of her family then? How would they cope with the shame? How would her parents cope with the loss and the grief? They loved her so much, despite what she’d done! And Ahron, her beloved brother, he and his wife would be tormented by guilt! And besides, suicide was strictly forbidden. It was completely contrary to the Torah! No! She wouldn’t find herself in heaven; she’d burn in the fires of hell! No! She wouldn’t do it! Even if eventually she’d find herself under the wedding canopy, she wouldn’t take her own life. She’d have to think of another way.
In the beginning, after her visit at Jeff’s became common knowledge, she was still strong enough to consider running away from home. But as the days passed, she realized the task was too difficult for her, almost impossible. Slowly, thoughts of freedom were pushed away from her consciousness. Her mental and physical state didn’t go unnoticed by her concerned parents.
“Come to the kitchen. I made you that kugel that you love so much,” Yehudit begged.
“I’m not hungry, Mother,” she could barely reply.
“Why are you behaving like this? Why are you behaving as though it’s the end of the world? With your own two eyes, you saw Avner is a good man. You can’t even notice the defect in his beautiful eyes. It’s God’s will, daughter. You must eat from now on, and a lot. Otherwise, there’ll be nothing left of you at the wedding.”
“Mother, leave me alone. I already told you I wasn’t hungry,” Rivka said impatiently.
“The wedding is in two months, and you haven’t even picked out a dress. Let’s go out, choose a wedding dress for you. You’ll see, it’ll cheer you up,” Yehudit tried to coax her daughter differently.
“Mother, you know my opinion on the matter. This wedding doesn’t interest me at all. You chose it, not me.”
Two months before the wedding, Dvora stopped by for a brief visit and revived the idea of running away.
“Oy vey! Look at you! You look awful!” Dvora exclaimed the minute she arrived.
Rivka didn’t answer.
“You’re crazy! Look what you did to yourself!” Dvora added in alarm. Then she whispered excitedly, “Anyway, Rivkel my dear, I’ve come to say good-bye.”
“Say good-bye?” Rivka exclaimed anxiously.
“Yes. The day after tomorrow, Adam and I are traveling to Israel. For always.”
“The day after tomorrow? To Israel?” Rivka’s face turned white.
“Yes, to Israel. Of course, nobody knows a thing but you. According to our plan, tomorrow evening, I’ll leave the house. At night, Adam and I will sleep at a hotel, and in the morning, we’ll fly to Israel. Before leaving the house, I’ll leave my parents a good-bye letter. I hope they’ll understand my actions. There’s no choice; Adam and I are in love. He promised me that the moment we arrive at our new home, God willing, we’d get married.”
“Get married? With Adam? God, you really are leaving! I always thought you were just talk, and that when the moment of truth arrived, you’d be as afraid as I am.”
“Yes, dear friend, I’m leaving forever. There’s no way back from the path I chose. I’m leaving without fear, and if there’s sorrow in me, it’s only because of you. I’ll miss you so much.” Dvora went to Rivka, and they fell into each other’s arms.
“I’m sure we’ll meet someday, sister. Our separation is temporary. When I arrive in Israel, I’ll write to you. That way, you’ll know where to come if you want to follow me,” Dvora encouraged her weeping friend.
“I hope I can. I don’t think I can just get up and leave,” Rivka protested through her tears.
“You can. Of course, you can. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, remember? That’s what we were taught! If you want something, you have to strive to achieve it! I heard about this man they’re setting you up with. Don’t marry him. Whatever happens, don’t agree. Not that he’s a bad guy, heaven forbid, but you have to marry only the man you want and love. Don’t let others decide for you.”
“I already said I don’t want to get married, but no one’s paying attention to my opinion. Everyone sees me as ruined. There’s a flaw in me that can’t be fixed. In their eyes, I’m a fool who doesn’t understand a thing, and so, my opinion shouldn’t be considered. And it’s all because of what I’ve done…” Despair was evident in her voice.
“You haven’t done a thing! I’m telling you, Rivkel, you haven’t done a thing!” Dvora declared decisively.
“You know what, Dvora, when I think about it, I’m not even sorry for what I did. On the contrary, I already understand and know I don’t want to live here. But what should I do? Everyone is busy with preparations, and no one pays attention to me anymore!” Rivka looked at her friend, hoping she would bring salvation.
“Rivkel, tell them you don’t intend to marry and that you simply won’t come to the wedding. You have to be determined. Otherwise, you’re in trouble. Listen to me, and listen carefully! When I arrive in Israel, I’ll write to you. All you’ll need is a few hundred dollars for the plane ticket. The minute you board the plane, you won’t suffer any longer. I’ll wait for you in Israel. Got it?”
Rivka’s eyes were wide with wonder when she nodded with difficulty.
“Now, I have to get a move on, and you must eat, understand? You must!”
Rivka stared at her friend wordlessly, only her tearful eyes indicating the storm in her soul.
“I’ll see you, beloved sister.” Dvora embraced Rivka and emotionally kissed her wet cheek.
After she left, Rivka started thinking again about running away. The idea instilled in her a new lease on life, but that was short-lived because fear overwhelmed her again. Later, she resumed her state of apathy and continued to shut herself in her room. She was so immersed in depression that she lost track of days, and she didn’t know if it was raining outside or if the sun was shining. She wanted to tell everyone she wouldn’t marry and that the preparations for the wedding were wasted, but it was as though she were paralyzed, struck mute and couldn’t say a thing.
The days passed. The wedding was a month away. As promised, Mr. Ziedenbaum rented a luxurious venue, maybe the most luxurious in the city. A band and photographer were meticulously selected, and the chef of a well-known hotel was specially hired to cook the most scrumptious meal. Invitations were han
ded out to everybody who was somebody in the Hasidic community, and all in all, more than one thousand guests were invited, most of them residents of the borough. A wedding dress was created especially for Rivka. When she refused to leave the house, the seamstress came to her.
“God, you’re so thin! How much do you weigh?” the seamstress screamed the minute she entered the house. “No more than forty-five kilo, right? You’re so thin, no one will see you at the wedding. Don’t you eat? Have you turned into one of those goy girls, heaven forbid, those girls called anorexics? I don’t think we’ll have a choice but to make you a wide dress. Maybe that way, people won’t notice how thin you are,” she added as she measured her hips.
After the dress had been made and Rivka had tried it on, she couldn’t help but notice how pretty and glamorous the dress was. But when she looked at herself in the mirror, she saw that while the dress sparkled, her face was dull.
There were only two weeks left.
In the morning, with the help of medication the doctor prescribed for her the previous night, she managed to eat a bit. Her apathy abated some, but in the evening, she became agitated again. Her feverish mind conjured suicidal thoughts the entire night. The next morning, she snuck into her father’s room while he was at the synagogue and took all of his medication. From the bathroom, she gathered all the new and old medications, of which there many. She returned to her room and locked the door behind her. Staring at the odd collections of bags and bottles she placed on her desk, she wasn’t sure. Tears filled her eyes. Then she collected a handful of colorful pills, spreading them in her delicate palm. Through the tears washing her face, the colorful combination of pills looked bright and garish. This beautiful collection would put an end to her suffering. Her short life flashed before her eyes. In the beginning, it was Jeff, the handsome man who’d stormed into her life straight from the desert. Then came Avraham-David, the pleasant man whom she’d misled. Her father and mother who’d raised her with so much love and dedication. Her brothers and sisters. Yehuda, obviously, wouldn’t shed a tear for her. He may even be secretly pleased. And then it was Dvora, her good friend, her soul mate. How would she react? Dvora was waiting for her in Israel! Yes, because this was the only way this wonderful friendship could continue.