by S. K Munt
‘What?!’ I asked lightly, trying to look surprised as I turned away from the horse.
‘Karol’s requested that Coaxley and Lindy and her entire family travel with him to wait on him for the next six months!’ Kohén said.
‘I don’t think Larkin will mind-’
‘Mind?!’ I interrupted Karol, giving him a little shove. ‘I am FURIOUS!’
Karol’s eyes bugged. ‘What?!’ he asked, incredulous. ‘Since when does that-’
‘I hate you! Just when I was beginning to warm to you, you drag my favourite staff away!’ I threw myself into Kohén’s arms and pretended to sob onto his shoulder. ‘Is it not enough that I had to learn what a witch my mother has become today?’ I wailed. ‘Now I must lose my surrogate mother too?’
‘I know Larkin,’ Kohén whispered, rubbing my back, and I had to bite down on my own knuckles not to grin as I heard Karol splutter in indignation behind me. Kohén pulled back then, so I smoothed my face and looked miserably into his crystal blue eyes. ‘I know honey, but they’ll come back. Would you like me to go get them so that you can say good-bye?’ he asked, and I felt a twinge of guilt then because he looked genuinely concerned.
‘Yes, please…’ I said, and now the tears in my throat were genuine. I did not want to say good-bye to Lindy, but I had to. ‘Thank you Kohén… you’ll be such a beloved leader.’
Behind me, Karol snorted. Inside, I was inclined to do the same thing!
Kohén handed me a folded handkerchief and kissed my forehead. ‘I’ll do that right now. They must be ready to leave. Stay here… and if he gives you any trouble, just kick him, okay? Crown’s orders.’
‘My crown is still bigger and closer than your crown,’ Karol seethed, but Kohén jogged away. I waited until he was out of earshot and turned to smile cheekily at Karol while dabbing at my tears.
‘He will be a beloved leader, don’t you think?’
‘He’s so gullible that he’ll trade the kingdom for magic beans,’ Karol grumbled, but then motioned me over to pat the horse again. I did, smiling blandly as I answered:
‘And find a treasure at the top of the stalk, no doubt,’ I said and Karol shook his head and produced a sugar cube from his pocket, which he handed to me. I palmed it and held it under the horse’s mouth, and smiled when it ate it readily.
‘You’re getting to be quite the little actress, aren’t you?’ He demanded, but he was trying not to smile, and the ease with which he had taken my prank made me realise that our odd bond had the potential to be a congruent one, for in many ways, we were alike. ‘And you literally have some of us-’ he patted the horse ‘-eating out of the palm of your sweet little hand.’
‘Only the most beautiful creatures in Eden’s walls…’ I said blithely, and stepped in to nuzzle my nose against its, keeping its head between Karol and I. ‘The big, ugly ones continue to try and break me down.’
Karol laughed. ‘I’d say that you’re going to end up in hell, but I’m duty bound to make sure that you don’t…’
‘Thank you, and yes, I’ve been studying hard for my exams,’ I said. ‘Like a good little Given girl.’
‘I can see that,’ Karol fed the horse another sugar cube, and then dusted his palm on his leather slacks. ‘But Larkin, as much as I love it when you’re in such an entertaining mood, and as much as I can see that I deserved that... I do have one thing to say to you.’
‘What?’ I asked, lifting my face to his.
He leaned across the horse’s nose and whispered: ‘That’s five.’ I stiffened, and when I didn’t laugh or bite back, Karol’s lascivious smile vanished.
‘Okay, Larkin that was sort of a joke and…’
But I wasn’t hearing him. I’d looked past him to the woman standing at the solid steel part of the front fence, and staring at me with a teary, bloody face. She didn’t call out to me or wave me over, but when I began to move toward her, she didn’t run either.
‘Larkin? What… oh.’ He rested his hand on my shoulder to send more soothing energies into me and halt my tardigrade steps. ‘Oh, would you like me to fetch the guards?’
‘No,’ I said softly, swallowing hard and shrugging off his hand. ‘I’d like to speak to her alone.’ I glanced back at him. ‘Is that okay? I do not want to get into trouble.’
‘You have my permission,’ Karol said gravely. ‘And I am right here. But please be careful.’
‘I will.’
‘Larkin!’ I heard someone calling out my name and when I turned around, I saw that Kohl and Kelia were jogging out of the gates and towards me. Kohl looked angry, Kelia looked scared.
‘Don’t go near her!’ Kelia’s coils bounced as she ran. ‘She’s no good!’
‘She’s dangerous!’ Kohl agreed, but Karol stopped them both.
‘Let me go!’ Kohl snapped, but Karol held them both tightly. ‘She shouldn’t be alone with her!’
‘No, she deserves a moment alone with her, and the chance to stand up for herself,’ Karol admonished them both. ‘In her position, you’d want the exact same thing.’
Kelia began to cry, surprising me with her sudden outpouring of concern for my safety, and when Kohl saw this, he stopped fighting and patted her back in comfort, keeping wide eyes on me. I nodded to let him know that I would be careful, and then crossed the next twenty metres to reach the side of the fence.
6.
My mother was standing on the path, and probably in the exact spot where Abbey-Linn had been spotted trying to throw the baby from, and behind her the Wildwoods looked gnarled, spiny and threatening, but nowhere near as dangerous as I felt.
‘Did you wish to speak with me, Sapphire?’ I asked, enjoying the way her nostrils and eyes flared at the name. ‘Or did you just want to stare a little while longer at your whore of a daughter?’
My mother was dressed in a lovely, simple gown, as she always had, but up close I could see that the hem was frayed, and the colour fading. She’d always taken pride in her appearance, and without any children around, there ought to have been money suffice for her to keep herself well clothed, and yet everything about her cried: Broke. Or maybe broken.
‘I didn’t mean for that to happen…’ she whispered. I wouldn’t say that she looked guilty, but she certainly looked stricken. ‘And I never wanted to lose you, Larkin. You were… you were the sweetest baby I ever…’ her voice broke and she knelt, sobbing into her hands. ‘I loved you so!’
Oh no…
I’d been prepared for her to scream hateful things at me, but not for her tears. I didn’t want to be moved by her obvious grief but I needed whatever love I could get from her, even if it came only in small, powerful bursts of regret. A lump was forming in my throat, so I mirrored her actions and kneeled across from her, keeping a safe distance between the fence, and myself as she had on her side. The poles between us were thick, dark green and capable of stopping a person’s heart, but there were wide gaps between each, so it was easy to see her through them and blessedly, too many people were going into the castle grounds that day to bother with the Tidal Fall so no one passed her by.
‘Where’s father?’ I asked. ‘Why did he let you come alone? It’s clear that you can’t handle this.’
My mother sniffled and gulped and wiped at her eyes. ‘Your father has not helped me handle things in many years. Ever since you left he’s been…’
‘What?’ I asked, wondering if my heart was pressed against my ribs as though to overhear a wonderful secret.
‘Resigned. Angry. Annoyed that he got attached to you only to lose you. Annoyed at me for not being more careful. I…’
‘How dare he freeze you out?’ I asked, furious with my father for holding my mother responsible for my birth. They were married! They were legally bound until they died- that was supposed to mean something! ‘It takes two people to make a baby, and break a law,’ I whispered. But when my mother lifted her face to mine, her bloodshot eyes and downturned mouth were so hard that I understood, and my soul shook.
My body sagged so that I could clutch at the grass. ‘No!’ I cried. ‘Oh… mother no! You broke your vow?! You had me with someone ELSE?’
‘I didn’t know I was in love with her, until she was kissing me…’ mother whispered, and I physically curled up like the air was poisonous and I needed to shrink away from it.
‘Her?!’ I demanded. ‘Who her? What does she have to do with my conception?’ The word Satan came to mind unbidden, and I pushed it away with a black wave of fright. No, no I’d read too many books, that was all. My imagination was getting away from me!
Mother pushed her hair back behind her temples. ‘I was in love with your father, and I was going to devote my life to being his wife,’ she whispered. ‘But then he had his accident, and not only could he not… but he grew angry and demanding and surly… I spent every day at the hospital by his side but he’d shoo me away, or tell me to get the kids out. I tried to weather it knowing that once he was out of that bed, it would pass but… after weeks he only got worse. One of the nurses was a beautiful girl, a transfer from Rabia, and she would console me. She’d play with Finch and Jaiya so I could be alone with him, and when he got too hard to handle, she would take me into another room and comfort me with kind words and glasses of wine. She told me that he was lucky and that he’d see it in time. She told me I was beautiful. And when she kissed me, it felt… magical.’
I slowly lifted my fingers to shield a wail from my mouth. ‘You like women?’
‘Not until I met her! I fell in love with her and about a month after your father’s admission, we were in that room and she kissed me and held me and…’ my mother’s face was red, as I imagined mine was. ‘I fell asleep in her arms. But when I woke up… she was gone. I never saw her again. I waited for her to come back but she never did- not for a single day in the month before he was let out. Not long after that, I discovered that I was pregnant and I was devastated, and though it should have upset your father, it gave him purpose. He knew we’d have to work harder to provide for a third for five years, and he had too much pride to let his family suffer. He began to do his exercises, and then his disposition changed. We would talk all the time about how we might run, how we could disappear, and we ended up so united that I confessed to him about the nurse and he admitted that he’d found her alluring too and that had made him question us, as well. She was a temptress, Larkin! But with this honesty, our marriage healed and my pregnancy progressed. And I honestly believed that we were going to run. But then you came out late- a month late according to when he and I had made love last, and you looked nothing like him…or me.’
‘No,’ I croaked. ‘Don’t say it.’
‘I told him I’d never been with another man and though he claimed to believe me, he stopped talking about running away, and started to shut down again. I still didn’t want to let you go though Larkin, and he loved you too. But then one day, you and Finch came inside and told me about the man who asked for you to leave with him, and it spooked me. I went out to the fence every day looking for him and then one day- there he was. Beautiful. Golden- and asking where his child was.’ She sighed. ‘He knew me by name, and could describe my naked body. He knew ME, and I knew that she’d told him every detail!’
I felt like I’d swallowed something cold and sick. ‘Just like Abbey-Linn?’
‘Yes. And I don’t think that she and I are the only ones- so many of us think we’re protected, meet this woman, are seduced by her kindness- and then end up with a child to spare, which he then comes to claim from women who just may be desperate enough to hand it over!’
‘So you think it’s a scam to what… adopt?’
‘To absorb,’ my mother made a huffing sound and I picked up on the striking scent of stale breath and mothballs. ‘Maybe she can’t have children, or maybe…’
‘What?’
‘Maybe he is a Nephilim as I suspect- a dark one- and he is trying to breed more like him.’ She let me see the absolute belief in her eyes. ‘And you are his Godless spawn.’
Satan! Satan, SATAN!
‘No,’ I whispered weakly, pressing a hand to my heart, and feeling it fling itself about wildly as my scalp prickled. A dark Nephilim? I’d believed that maybe there was a mischievous one out there causing trouble, but one of Satan’s minions? Kohén had seemed certain that it was possible, but Martya had said… she’d said…
Am I Satan’s spawn?!
‘No!’ I repeated, as the truth came to me. ‘I love God dearly, and I am nothing like a Nephilim, good or bad! I have no power at all!’
‘That is a relief,’ my mother said, frowning in consternation and negating her statement. ‘But your transformation-’
‘I grew out of the sobriquet of ‘duckling’ a while ago mother, and slowly. It was no miracle- just puberty and a lot of lotions and make-up today...!’
‘Fine,’ but she wrinkled her nose, making her scepticism clear. ‘But that doesn’t change the fact that this man thinks you are miraculous. He was desperate to get to you, Larkin and some Nephilim don’t show powers for years, so that would explain why he lingers.’
‘Lingers?’ my pitch was glass-breakingly high.
‘Yes. He came more than once, and pretty soon, the concept of running and keeping you safe from him started to seem impossible, and without your father’s support, and without me being able to voice my suspicions that you were another man’s child… I ran out of options. I realised that I wouldn’t be able to guard you forever, and I couldn’t bear the thought of you being raised in the Wildwoods like some heathen. I hate the third-born rule, but I also knew that it could save you where I could not. So I handed you over to the crown, hoping you’d be sent far from here where you’d be safe from him, but when they kept you in Arcadia and for such a purpose as this one-’ she motioned to my dress, ‘it broke my heart.’
I winced to know that despite all of her grief, she was still ashamed of me. ‘Why didn’t you go to the king and duchess and explain that you were attacked?’ I demanded.
‘Because they wouldn’t believe me! And if they found him and he was able to repeat my personal conversations with Allegra, it would damn me further and see all three of my children raised motherless! ‘
Sybil… Allegra… Golden man… Satan...
‘… Besides, I didn’t really believe him; I always hoped that you truly were your father’s… just a month late and that he was a madman, and one on the other side of the fence! And you were so pale, while he so golden… you didn’t resemble him anymore than you did your father. But… then I looked up and saw you today and… and you could have been fraternal twins, so striking is the similarity!’
My heart sank, and I closed my eyes against tears and was assaulted with memories of the golden man. Yes, we did look alike now. We hadn’t then but now… I sobbed. My father wasn’t my father, and there was a good chance that my biological father was a nutcase, or evil. I shuddered.
‘I’m sorry Larkin, but I was bound by law and a vow to God and the need to protect all of you from my mistake as best as I could. I realised that I couldn’t spend forever protecting you, or even risk you coming back to visit, so I cut ties with you and waived that first visit. And I’m glad that I did, because he came back every six months until the year you turned nine, and that was when he must have given up. I have not seen him since but by then, it was too late for me to visit with you, and I’m sorry but yes, your occupation destroys a little part of me every time I think about it, so I needed that distance too!’
‘How do you think I feel?’ I demanded.
‘I wouldn’t claim to know,’ she admitted morosely. ‘But I did know my own heart, and though we are all supposed to be equal…’ she swallowed. ‘I have taken an unbreakable vow and I suffer for it every day. I sleep in a cold bed alone and if I try to demand more compassion from your father, I know he will likely detonate and expose me, so I
close my lips against my sobs so I don’t cause him lost sleep as well. One night, he got so angry and drunk that he made a crude comment about ‘Larkin’s father’ in front of your brother and sister-’
‘Father has seen him?!’
‘Yes, just once, six months after you left, which was when he first distanced himself from me by moving into another room. His faith in my love for him got us through the pregnancy and the start of your life, but his unhappiness surged once you were no longer around to call him ‘father’ with love in your eyes, and his distrust has eroded our family slowly since. Now when he visits your brother and sister, he does it alone without a farewell, and I know he is escaping me like they did.’ She sniffled. ‘One day I know… he won’t come back.’
My heart twisted. ‘Mother…’
‘Don’t call me that! I am not, I have failed that purpose, and I feel as sorry for myself as I do for you, perhaps more.’ She pressed her forehead into her palm and sobbed again. ‘You are so vibrant and healthy and loved, but I have been walking on eggshells for almost seventeen years and I am as cracked as they! Then I come here and see a duchess and king joined because they were not sure of their love enough to marry as I did and are therefore, free to use girls like you, born from loving, broken marriages like MINE and staring down at me with their judgmental eyes and I just…’ her voice was growing raspier, her breath staler as though she were decaying from the inside out. ‘I can’t handle the judgement from people who I know are worth less than me.’ Her eyes flared. ‘I didn’t cheat on your father with another man, and he forgave me for my dalliance with another woman because he’d contemplated the same thing and yet here I am, suffering still, and yet he does not care! They say time heals all wounds but not his.’
‘Not at all?’ I asked forlornly.
She sniffled. ‘Sometimes, I catch him looking at me with fondness or longing, or he brushes my hair with his hand and I think maybe, there’s still love there,’ she wiped at her eyes. ‘But he’s threatened to leave me a few times, and I think doubt is the only reason why he has not. I’m scared that one day he’ll see you and know for certain that you are this man’s child, not his, and he will snap and cast me out.’