by S. K Munt
‘Larkin…’ Kohl’s voice was softer now. ‘Do you really believe that going to bed with them makes it impossible for him to love you, or you to love him again?’
I nodded. ‘Yes.’
Kohl sighed. ‘Then you are a fool.’
‘What?’ I demanded, lifting my head as the outrage filled me.
‘Sex and love are two very different things,’ Kohl said matter-of-factly, looking me dead in the eye. ‘And trying to take one to prove the other is what caused such distress in the time before. You do not have to be in love with someone to sleep with them or to even crave them, and that’s why we have Joined unions as an alternative to marriage- they’re for people who know the difference, but still want to have families.’
‘I thought it was to force people to procreate for the population’s sake, while keeping us from breeding more than we can provide for in this asshole of a Kingdom?’
‘That too,’ he beckoned me to lean forward and I did and he reached around me and caught the strings at my ribs, tying them deftly. ‘But in time, the people of Calliel will be trusted to make such decisions for themselves and to use their own judgement, and when that time comes, the stigma of sex being dirty in the absence of a marriage will have been debunked. How could you have scored so highly on that exam, without seeing how all of your correct answers added up to my family’s good intentions for this kingdom’s paradisiacal future?’
‘Because I am not part of this kingdom, or one of your father’s shepherded people,’ I said bitterly. ‘I am a sacrificial lamb for everyone to feast on. I have been starved of love and fattened with luxury and expected to believe that it is okay because my great-granddaughter will benefit from it.’
‘As have I,’ Kohl said, resting his hand on mine.
‘It’s not the same. You are not ruined like me- you can have children, remember? I cannot.’
‘That doesn’t mean that you’re ruined- you’re the most desired woman in Calliel, and believing otherwise is propagating the myth that a woman needs to be a mother to feel complete, and that’s not fair, is it? What about women who are born noble, but infertile? Are they worthless if they become accountants instead? Doctors? No!’ he brushed my tears away. ‘Men would sacrifice their first-borns to noble women for the chance to bask in your company, Lark, and Kohén just tried to sacrifice eleven million dollars worth of diamonds to make it clear that he is one of them!’
‘A poor trade for his guilty conscience indeed,’ I whispered.
‘At least he has a guilty conscience,’ Kohl said softly. ‘There are many men out there who would pounce you in the shadows for the chance to steal what you just offered him for free. And on a dark enough night, I could have been one of them!’
‘You could not,’ I muttered.
‘There is no such thing as good or evil, Larkin… only different coloured feathers, and they are painted by who we are and what we want and how we intend to get them. If I were more like father than mother, or had a cruel General’s influence growing up instead of Atticus’s, or Kohén’s reflection to aspire to equal… I do not doubt that I would be less of a person with the bitter third-born taste in my mouth.’
Oh God...
I freed tears with rapid blinks, hearing a ring of truth escape as far as I was concerned. I was confident like Emmerly because I was almost as smart as Martya, and my looks had taken so long to kick in that I didn’t have a shred of vanity, and that had helped keep me anchored after I had blossomed. But if I’d grown up spoiled and beautiful like Kelia instead of grateful for everything I had, would my wit and strength have helped me grow up to become someone awful? Someone drunk on their power over the prince and manipulating him as the girls did now, to keep it? That was why the duchess hated me so, wasn’t it? I had her brains and Resonah’s hold over my master, so she was terrified that I was looking to rip Kohén’s still-beating heart out of his chest and throw it at her as soon as I had the chance to. I wasn’t, but he seemed determined to do it himself, which was just one more reason why I had to get out of there. Not before I could be ruined- but before I could ruin HIM.
‘I am sorry that he’s caused you pain by going to them, but it does not mean that he doesn’t love you- it means that he cannot resist his urges, and if you’d met him later in life as widowers or whatever, who he’d slept with before wouldn’t matter, would it?’ I sniffled and shook my head, feeling part of my fractured heart throb with pain, and he sighed. ‘He is flawed, as God was in the beginning- and just as you and I are for connecting behind his back, though we know it is wrong.’ He took my hand and kissed it. ‘But while we have made a vow not to touch one another until it is legal out of love for him- he is trying not to touch you out of love for you.’ He wiped away one tear with his thumb and whispered: ‘It is not a divinely perfect gesture, but it is more than any woman has ever received from a Barachiel man before Larkin, and it speaks volumes about his feelings for you, and if what you say is true, and he just walked away from the sight of you naked…’ He looked down at his knees. ‘He is a better man than me, because if you stand up, I will be lost to myself.’
My eyes spilled over. ‘And if I did touch his brother?’ I croaked. ‘What of his love then?’
Kohl frowned. ‘Well, you’d be just as bad as him, wouldn’t you? Possibly worse, and you couldn’t really blame him for being angry and disenchanted after, could you, because you’d have done so with your free will for personal gain?’
I rested my face on his hand and began to sob to have my darkest fears confirmed. ‘I knew it…’ I whispered.
‘Shh…’ Kohl stroked my hair. ‘Don’t cry. You and I are stronger than our temptation is, or at least, the threat of being banished is a motivating enough factor to keep my eyes on your hair and your chance with him an open door- if that’s what you need to hear...’
‘The door is shut, Kohl. I am going to lie with his brother,’ I whispered. ‘I have promised to. I will not love him or crave him at all, but I will do so willingly and it will be for personal gain, and I will lose Kohén for it anyway.’
Kohl’s hand stopped on my hair. ‘What?’ His voice was incredulous, and I caught a few notes of imminent outrage. ‘Me?! You can’t be-’ he gulped. ‘Are you using me, Larkin? I can’t even imagine how-’
‘Not you, Kohl: Karol.’ I lifted my eyes and let him see the desolation within them for I was certain that it was burning through my soul. ‘The deal I made with him, remember? There was one stipulation that I have not mentioned to you: a promise I made in order to ensure Lindy and her family would remain safe after they’d been transferred.’ I gulped as his eyes brightened with anger. ‘When I am released, whether it is as a whore, or a lady, I must go to his chamber first to demonstrate my retrospective gratitude.’
Kohl’s mouth fell open. ‘He demanded that of you?’
‘No,’ I began to shiver again. ‘I offered it. It was the day after my birthday, I was heartsick over Kohén going to Emmerly, furious with him and terrified that in bringing attention to Lindy’s plight, I would damn her by showing my hand, as Martya had been damned by showing her own.’ I wiped at my eyes. ‘I needed leverage over him, and because he’d made it clear to me in the past that he’d make me his whore if Kohén released me as one, and because I was convinced that Kohén would slip up after the night before anyway and ruin me regardless, I sold my soul to the devil to dissuade him from stealing it.’ I covered my face with my hands. ‘To have SOME control over my destiny, and to stop myself ending up a corpse like Martya!’
‘Oh my God…’ Kohl sank to his backside. ‘Why didn’t you tell me this?!’
‘Because I was scared that it would change the way you felt about me, the way I knew it would kill Kohén’s friendly feelings towards me when he found out. And because I wasn’t certain how I felt about either of you at the time and because, as Kohén just said: I have become jaded in this gilded cage, and have never, ever believed that your twin would see his promise through- not since he kis
sed me anyway, and not since he gave in to Emmerly’s charms.’ I sniffled. ‘So I went to someone who had the power to do what I needed, and told myself that I could afford to pay the price with my body, because it would be taken from me anyway… and I was so angry with Kohén that I didn’t believe I’d ever feel kindly toward him again, so I didn’t care if I hurt him by going to Karol after he’d had his pick of his litter.’ I looked down at myself and shook my head. ‘But I’ve come to forgive Kohén, so I regret going over his head now, even though I know he wouldn’t have been able to do much to help Lindy. And as far as him being tempted to ruin me goes… he just proved that he is much stronger than I gave him credit for and now… now…’ I sobbed harder. ‘Now I see how I’ve messed everything up, and have even less faith in anyone’s ability to love me once I am out of here, than I did before! So I AM ruined!’
‘Don’t,’ Kohl rasped, squeezing my hand. ‘You just told me the truth, and it’s not for your personal gain at all! You did it for the kingdom and your friend and in a moment of fury and no one can blame you for that!’
‘Kohén will,’ my hot flushes were unbearable, but my teeth were chattering regardless. ‘You know he will.’
‘You don’t know that! I love you still and I don’t care what you do with Karol or Kohén with your body before you are mine- because I see that your heart is of the purest, most blinding white gold I have ever known, Larkin! You just need to say one of our names with love in your eyes, and we will be yours!’
I looked up at him and squeezed his hand back. ‘Thank you,’ I croaked. ‘But the fact remains; I won’t be getting out of this place as a virgin, and so I will never be able to marry him. Which means that his dream is futile. And because of the rules, I probably won’t be able to marry you either- so I can’t say one of your names with love in my eyes without ruining his-
‘I don’t care if we can get married!’ Kohl insisted.
‘You have to,’ I reminded him. ‘Kohén is convinced that your father is still considering granting you the throne here in Pacifica, and don’t even try that: ‘I’ll change the law nonsense,’ because your mother will kill us both if you even suggest it!’
‘Then I’ll abdicate my title,’ he whispered, and I felt my fingers tingle. ‘We have a right to do that, you know.’
‘What?’ I demanded. ‘Kohl, no! You were born to be a ruler! You will be the best, most compassionate king that any nation could ever hope for!’
‘Not if I lose you, I won’t be! I will be wrathful and surly and miserable. So…’
I shook my head. ‘So… ? What are you saying?’
He shrugged. ‘I’m saying that if Kohén trips up and makes you a Companion, then I will be your only customer.’ Kohl smiled into my eyes and I felt it in my heart. ‘Or, if you are released and wish to travel as a single woman or plant roots when you desire to, then I will follow as a friend, and wait patiently for you to turn to me and ask me to be more than that for you... ’ I sucked in a breath and his dimples deepened. ‘But if you love me and wish to marry me the moment we are free, then I will get us to a kingdom that will bless our union- regardless of the status of your purity!’
‘B-but you can be forced to take the crown if-’
‘I won’t be,’ his jaw tightened. ‘And if anyone tries to thrust a crown between us- I will denounce them and render myself ineligible, by taking the elixir and moving to Rachiel with you, and remind the world of what a true Barachiel will do for love, in case they’ve forgotten!’ He ran his fingers through my hair. ‘Which clearly, even the Barachiel’s have forgotten, for my mother was already in an agitated mood when Kohén came down, because my darling father has been hanging off the local Companion Alicia all evening! Behind Resonah’s back and in front of mother’s face, that bastard!’
‘Oh God…’
‘I know,’ Kohl clutched my hands in his and kissed my fingertips. ‘But that won’t be you. I love you, Larkin, and we do not have to be married to live as soul mates.’
I began to cry anew. ‘Really?’
‘On one condition,’ he said, and I stiffened, waiting for the other glass slipper to drop and take my sarong with it, but Kohl smiled and fisted my hands. ‘You have to tell Kohén about Karol first.’
‘What?’ I asked, aghast. ‘No! He’ll kill him!’
‘No he won’t, because it’s illegal to kill a Nephilim, even if it is done by another Nephilim, and even if he tried, don’t underestimate my eldest brother’s ability to heal himself or stun Kohén into a twenty-one year long coma.’
‘And if he kills me?!’
‘He won’t,’ Kohl scoffed. ‘He loves you too much, and that’s precisely why you have to tell him.’
‘I can’t,’ I croaked.
Kohl bit his lip and leaned back. ‘Because you’re afraid that he’ll say go to hell, and you’ll lose his heart completely?’ he whispered. ‘Or because you’re afraid that he will love you regardless, or get you out of it, thus securing yours more than any law could ever hope to secure your body?’
I felt the hot tears slide down my cheeks, and gulped to get a breath in. If I believed that Kohén would have forgiven me for Karol, I would never stop hating myself. ‘He has hurt me so much, and the things he has done to them in that harem, in MY name, strike me as being more than wrong, but evil- and if I love him despite that, I will be evil too, won’t I?’
‘I gave you that bible last week so you could see how un-evil we all are,’ he whispered. ‘Remember the feather thing? Forgiveness makes them all white.’ He smiled at me sadly. ‘And like God, no one’s feathers will ever be as purely white as yours- so you must be willing to forgive those who are not as strong as you are, or face an eternity of being alone with only your perfection for company.’ He touched my lips, with a hungry look in his eye. ‘Kohén’s lustful nature does not make him unworthy of you, little bird- just in need of your influence.’
‘Your feathers are white already!’ I whispered. ‘You are an angel and I know that I can love you! And if the words you wrote in those letters were true, then I can’t imagine that forgiving Kohén will reverse the fact that you have been stealing my heart since the day you sent me that book!’
‘I sent you that book because Kohén said that you loved books and old things, and old books were all I had to give with no one to give them to before then.’ Kohl looked down at me and his tears slipped past his grim smile. ‘And I wrote to you the first time to thank you for being his friend, because I was sad for him every day.’ I began to feel a shimmer radiate through me- a scintilla of something potent and promised. ‘But I fell in love with you, based on the letters that he wrote to me along the way, and the stories that he told to me about HIS little lark,’ he brushed my tears away. ‘About the girl who once ran into a tree in her ambition to chase down a ball, and the girl who brought up the Companion sexual-itinerary in front of my parents and to spite Karol at her first formal dinner. About the girl who could not pass her ballet exam, so she turned around and shook her ten-year-old tush at her teacher and did a Native American war chant as her song, and the girl who gave him reason to smile on the day his twin was sent away by teaching him poker and promising to cover for him for dirtying the Collection Room floor…’ A sob escaped me and his features wrenched painfully. ‘About his soul mate. And those are the words he’s used Larkin, again and again since he was seven.’ He swallowed hard, and it felt like he was squeezing my heart in his hand. ‘And if I let you read those, I don’t think you’d ever doubt your feelings for him, or have any for me ever again. And if you could feel so passionately about one another and marry- Arcadia would become a paradise at last, and as a Barachiel- and a brother- I must put the kingdom’s happiness before my own, even if it does break my heart to do so.’ He sighed, pulling me to my feet and keeping his gaze turned while I adjusted my clothes. ‘And I will deserve it, because it was wrong of me to kiss you, even when I thought you were Emmerly, and I was wrong to seek you out and write to you and even co
ming to you now is an act of betrayal toward my own flesh and blood- because you are his until you say otherwise.’ He ran his hand down my hair. ‘I may never forgive myself for saying any of this if I lose you because of it, but I won’t deserve your love or his, if I don’t.’
‘I…’ I was moved beyond measure. ‘B- but you’ve lost so much to him already…’
‘On our fifth birthday, Kohén jumped into the ocean from the dock, declaring that he was going to swim to Pacifica, so I would not have to be sent by ship the following week,’ Kohl whispered, and my heart lifted into my throat. ‘He almost drowned, because he couldn’t swim, but he did it because he knew that being on a large body of water that was too big for me to control would wreck me, and it did- I didn’t recover for weeks and still baulk at the idea of open water.’ Kohl’s face constricted again and he touched my earring gently. ‘Just as I know now that losing you without having the chance to fight for you, will wreck him, and haunt him after. His attempt to sacrifice himself for me didn’t change anything, and this may not either and of course, I will be gladdened indeed if he proves you right and hurls you into my arms, just as I am sure he is now grateful that he didn’t manage to swim more than five metres that day.’ He touched my ring- making as much contact with me as he could without actually touching my flesh. ‘He did not abstain from the harem he has been offered, but he is taking pains to save you and your very best friend with it, even though Kelia was always his second preference for her prettiness and sweet nature. So…’ he wiped away a tear. ‘If your true love is already in your cage with you, then what does it matter if he is blocking the door? What does it matter if he slips up? Where else could you possibly want to be?’
I stared at him. Kohl had just made the most romantic declaration I’d ever heard, but it had been on Kohén’s behalf and suddenly, my soul was screaming its need for those words to be true. I loved Kohén, desperately, but I kept trying to hide from it, like he said, because I didn’t have faith in God or man. But if he loved me… if he loved me… I wouldn’t need diamonds, and I wouldn’t need cotton, and I wouldn’t need to worry about losing my sense of self because he had more faith and belief in me than anyone did, even Kohl. And he didn’t find pleasure with the other girls, not as easily as I had with Karol that awful day. He loved me and he would forgive me or even better- he would stop it from happening.