by S. K Munt
‘Lark-’
I held up a finger. ‘I don’t want to live my life being haunted by what could be, anymore Atticus, so I don’t want to have a political power pow-wow with you, or Elbert Yael, because it’s just rattling chains.’ I didn’t add that there was a chance that my freedom could come early, and deliver me to Pacifica, but that was a wish too dear to me to risk by speaking aloud. ‘And I’ll not put stock in another man’s word again- only his signature- and none of you can sign anything to me until I’m twenty-one, so you are wasting your time when you should be enjoying the party...’ I gestured to a Companion I did not recognise as she sidled by in a platinum Janiel-coloured toga. ‘And all the pretty party favours on offer!’
‘Lark-’ Atticus moved in to embrace me but I held up my arms, caging him out.
‘Don’t,’ I said, my voice hitching as I remembered the way that Yael’s persona had shifted from kindly grandfather figure, to predator. ‘Every time a man calls me Lark and touches me, he ends up killing something inside me after and right now, I still like you so don’t become another murderer, all right?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Atticus said, holding up his hands and looking contrite. ‘But hear me out, please? For starters, I’m gay and have no interest in the pretty party favours on offer here, secondly, I don’t support the Companion system at all, and thirdly- I care about you and support Kohén’s need to change the marriage laws for the nobility, because I would very much like to marry Jovi, all right? So I’m on your side here.’
‘Really?’ I stared at him, mind reeling. He wanted to marry Jovi? Was that why he had sulked over the crown making him accompany Kohl across the ocean? If it was, then Kohl had one less reason to feel slighted, and I had one more reason to like Atticus.
‘Really,’ the Prime Minister said, eyes shining though he still looked more than a little alarmed. ‘Though I don’t blame you for assuming otherwise, given the circumstances.’
‘Thank you,’ I whispered, instantly abashed. ‘And I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. I had no idea that I was this person, you know? So emotional...’ I sniffled, then wiped a tear from my eye. ‘I was trying to be hard and smart like Martya, but…I don’t know if I was ever that hard or smart. Some days, I don’t even know who I am anymore.’
‘I know who you are, Larkin,’ Atticus said, lowering his arms and clasping his hands together. ‘You’re brave, intelligent, stubborn-’
‘Stubborn is right,’ I looked him in the eye. ‘So here’s one thing I can tell you and know for certain; if I go to Pacifica as Kohén’s favourite instead of Kohén’s true love, as he has declared me to be, I will be going as a whore, and not as a farmer.’
Atticus’s eyes flared with alarm. ‘You’ll just give up?’
‘No, I’ll give IN- to their true training,’ I said flatly. ‘I’ll drink, I’ll dance- rather poorly- I’ll drape myself in jewels and I’ll loll about on the beach and work on my tan just like all the others… and just like all the others, I’ll invest in pretty underwear not land, and I’ll not lift a finger to help this kingdom beyond tickling his balls, if he so commands.’ I looked back at Kohén as I wiped away another tear, and his perplexed expression turned into one of fear and then, something else- something determined and intense and beautiful.
That look- that look he’d promised not to give me, was like pounding on my heart and activating a little kick pedal to drum against my sickened stomach. And when he turned and put down both of the drinks that he was holding on the fireplace mantel as though to pursue me, I panicked. I couldn’t have a scene with him too, not now!
‘No Larkin, I won’t hear of such a waste!’ Atticus insisted. ‘There must be something I can do or say to imbue good feelings within you regarding your future, please. Tomorrow night-’
‘How bad do you want me farming for you?’ I hissed more quietly, keeping one eye on Kohén as he attempted to wrangle himself out of Kelia’s embrace and then, Yael’s, who caught his sleeve and tugged him back to whisper something into Kohén’s ear. ‘Drunken tears and all?’
‘Frankly? Now that I’ve heard what Elbert Yael is prepared to offer you based on the discussion you two have had prior to this night...’ he smoothed down the front of his jacket, making his little metals tinkle and stood taller. ‘There’s not much I wouldn’t do to get you on side Larkin.’
‘Good. Then here are two jumping off points to start negotiations… and imbue good feelings within me, regarding you,’ I said gripping his wrists and speaking quietly. ‘Firstly, I won’t be going anywhere near Pacifica unless Kohl Barachiel is acknowledged by you with a title the SECOND that he is freed from his contract.’ Atticus’s eyes widened, but I hurried on. ‘He deserves it, and you know it, and if you are opposed to the Given cast, then prove it to me, by making him an exception to the messed up rules.’
Atticus bit his lip. ‘I like the idea Larkin, and I have a lot of respect for young Kohl, but there are issues-’
‘I don’t care. You are a powerful man until Kohén turns thirty, unless elected out of the seat before then, and you know Kohl well. Despite the unfortunate timing of his birth or his so-called temper which for an aspiring farmer-’ I pointed to myself. ‘Well, manageable rainfall is a Godsend, okay? So not only is Kohl deserving of this, but he’s handy to me for the reasons that make him a loose canon to others, and I want him to be utilised in a way that will make him proud of himself! So- make him duke of this new island of yours or premier or whatever is within your power to make happen, and you will win my favour.’
The general groaned and rubbed at his face. ‘That’s quite a request, and one that will get me in a lot of trouble with Elijah and Kohén!’ he looked up at me. ‘What will you give me in exchange for such a thing, if you will not promise to come to the island too?’
‘My word that I won’t go to Yael,’ I said to him, enjoying the instant gleam in his grey-blue eyes. ‘Regardless of what happens to me and what Yael offers or where I end up- if Kohl is given a title when he is freed, I will refuse to assist your rival.’
‘Done!’ Atticus exclaimed, lightning quick, and my soul lifted. ‘Is that it?’
‘No.’ I released his hand and flicked one of his medals. ‘As far as everyone is concerned, this is YOUR request, not mine, got it? You’re the closest thing he has to a father- so act like it towards not just one poor third-born with potential but two- and you’ll win my trust as well which is not something I grant lightly.’
Atticus frowned again. ‘But why-’
‘If Kohén thinks I want Kohl in a position of power because I fancy his brother, and not just because it is the fair thing to do- you’ll start a pissing contest unlike no other and electricity and rain do NOT go well together.’ Atticus’s eyebrows shot up into one flat line, but I saw Kohén glare at Yael and then shake Kelia free- and then stride toward me and my heart began to stutter. ‘And the second thing is that I’m leaving- right now.’ I backed up as Kohén began to hurry toward me. ‘And if he follows me out of this room, while I am in this state because you can’t stop him, I won’t respect you as a leader, a senior OR a general, and you can consider me property of Yael- pending the will of a certain royal penis, that is!’ With that, I turned and fled from the royal penis.
‘Larkin! Where is she going?’ I heard Kohén hiss. ‘Atticus, let me pass!’
‘No Kohén,’ I heard Atticus say. ‘The lady is tired and wishes to go to sleep, and a gentleman respects a lady’s wishes.’
I flew out the door, my heart pounding, wiping the tears off my face and smiling when the last thing I heard from Kohén was a grunt of annoyance. I know it was un-ladylike of me, but I kind of hoped that Atticus had punched him, or at least stomped on his foot.
26.
Kohl was leaning against one of the far walls in the throne room when I ran out, half listening to Shep who was surrounded by a small congregation of drunken admirers, and though he looked concerned when I flew past him, he did not shout out to me or follow immed
iately.
His mother couldn’t contain her reaction though- her eyes went from me, to him and back again, and a gentle smile curved her lips; one of approval, at last, and it killed me to know that I had won some of her esteem only now that I was going to dash her and Kohl’s hopes both- for the next four years, at least.
I crossed the room and turned into the corridor leading to the north wing, slowing my steps only when I knew that I was out of sight. There was a small alcove across from our door under the staircase leading up to the royal quarters, which held a bust of Miguel Barachiel and a small chair. So when I heard Kohl’s footfalls enter the corridor behind me, I sidestepped into the shadows beneath it and waited, my heart pounding faster and faster with every step, which brought him nearer. How was I going to do this? What was I going to say?
‘Larkin…’ Kohl’s velveteen voice was little but a whisper but it filled the alcove and suddenly, he was wrapped around me and burrowing us further into the shadows. I gasped in his scent and crushed him to me in my arms, pressing my face into his neck and gently kissing the skin there. I moaned, feeling like one of those people with an insane craving for chocolate having their first nibble in months.
Starve yourself, and your sacrifice will provide him with sustenance that will last a lot longer than a kiss ever could!
‘You’re boiling hot,’ he whispered, lifting my hair off my neck. ‘And flushed red. What’s the matter? Are you sick? God you’re beautiful! You should wear your hair out like this all the time...’ He smiled ruefully. ‘Sorry- there are a lot of things that I’ve been wanting to say to you all day and now, they’re just bubbling out.’ He kissed my forehead and whispered. ‘I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too.’ I accepted the chaste kiss with a guiltily bowed head. ‘And I’m not sick, just intoxicated and anxious, and scared...’ I looked up at him. ‘We have to be quick and circumspect, all right? There are still Companions in there and they’ll be headed this way shortly. And Kohén’s probably going to try and corner me anyway so…’
‘I noticed that. What’s going on? That scene at dinner was something else! Mother told me that he hasn’t spoken to you since we left and yet tonight he was all over you like-’
‘He had another change of heart last week,’ I whispered, looking up into Kohl’s shadowy features. ‘Not like usual- we’re not all palsy again or anything, and he’s still keeping his distance but… but…’
‘But what, Lark?’ Kohl asked, frowning down at me. ‘You’re unwillingness to let me hold you following his change of heart is scaring me into believing that perhaps your heart has also changed.’
It hadn’t- not one little bit since Kohén had first hugged me, and that was the problem; I’d never know if what I felt for him was true love, or true loathing, until I was able to distance myself from the situation and examine my feelings closely and without bias. I curved my fingers around Kohl’s shoulders and squeezed him hard. ‘We have to stop, okay? All of it. The letter writing, the books, the embraces…’ I sniffled and stepped back. ‘Tonight- now.’
Kohl looked thunderstruck. ‘You don’t want me anymore?’
I shook my head and stroked his hair back, smoothing the strands which had slipped free of his tie. ‘That’s not it. But I can’t have you, not yet- not in any way that he doesn’t get to have me... and that includes in my hopes and dreams, Kohl.’
‘What?’ his complexion had paled in contrast to the shadows. ‘No!’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘But we can’t go on like this. We can’t keep hoping for a life that we may not get!’
‘But we could get it!’ he insisted. ‘And physically, I haven’t gotten anything from you that is his-’
‘Yes you have, because you’re taking me over!’ I hissed. ‘My heart beats for you, my lips burn for yours, my body…’ I pressed my hand to my heart. ‘I can’t make love to you, but I breathe you in so that I can feel you inside me, and that’s wrong, okay? Maybe not by the rules but ethically, it’s cheating on him.’ His lower lip began to pooch but I shook my head. ‘No, don’t be hurt, please! I want you so much that I can barely stand it… but that’s why we have to stop! I’m being tempted by the very devil who hovers by the fence, Kohl, and I won’t see what we have become something illicit that we are punished for- which is exactly what’s going to happen if we stay on this road!’
‘What road?’
‘This hopeful one! This secret one! We’ll be overcome by temptation if we keep regarding him as a villain and ourselves as an ‘us’ behind his back, and you know it!’
‘I can stop myself from veering off the road and into temptation,’ he insisted, eyes bright. ‘But I can’t NOT touch you at all! I can’t stop myself from dreaming and praying and wanting, Lark, and neither can you!’
But I shook my head, because I had a new hope for him now- of seeing him elevated from his caste and I wouldn’t risk a single chip of his future by gambling it against my ever-changing hand. His life had to come before our life, just as I wanted Kohén to put my future ahead of the one that he dreamed of for us.
‘I can’t resist the temptation, Kohl,’ I whispered, and his eyes flared with heat, proving just how easily the conversation could end up becoming an exchange of lustful grunts rather than words, despite how determined he was to play by the rules. ‘The more forbidden something is…’ I hugged myself so that I wouldn’t start tearing my clothes off. ‘You men aren’t the only one with urges, you know, and mine are getting stronger and stronger, as are my feelings- and as is my fear! Right now…the need to kiss you is...’ I pressed my fingers to my lips and cringed, looking away. He looked so gorgeous in his crisp white shirt, grey slacks and silver silk sash that my fingers tingled to tear off his buttons and run my hands around the slab of warm muscle beneath, and my chest constricted with every breath inhaled laced with his delicious aroma. ‘God…’
‘Oh, Larkin me too…’ he moved toward me, but I yelped and backed around Miguel’s marble head.
‘Don’t touch me, please,’ my voice broke, and he stopped. ‘I’m weakening, Kohl, and I’m scared. Your mother thinks that I am the product of an affair between my mother and a dark Nephilim, and though I don’t want to believe it- I think that she’s right.’
Kohl’s eyes widened. ‘Why would you think that? Why would you believe a word that that witch says?’
I cringed to hear him refer to his mother in such a way. ‘Because that’s what my own mother told me, just before she tried to kill me-’
‘Say WHAT?!’
‘The man I said I saw that day at the fence… he wasn’t a hallucination. He was there, Kohl, and he was my father and I know this, because I’ve seen him since- several times, and so has your mother!’
‘Christ, Larkin! This is an astounding revelation- and an awful one! We have to find him and-’
‘We can’t. He’s a ghost, I think, and chooses whom to show himself to. He has to be dark in origin to linger with so much malevolence after death, but he must have been weakened by his mortal life, because not only is he not strong enough to will himself back to corporeal form, but he was not strong enough to pass any of his power onto me... not even so much as a spark of electricity to defend myself with, or whatever remnant I might have inherited of whatever power he did have.’ I wet my lips. ‘But he’s there, so the only way that I can keep him out of our lives and out of this reality, is to keep him out of my head and heart, by turning to the light and away from his influence!’ I pulled on his collar. ‘Telling you all of this is going to make that even harder because the less people who allow their thoughts to dwell on him, or their eyes to search for him the better- but I am doing so, so you understand that I was born with a soul that can be easily corrupted! And if we’re ever to know love together, or at all, I need my conscience to be clear and my heart with God, Kohl!’ I cupped his jaw and stared deeply into his eyes, pleading with him to understand. ‘And wanting you… missing you, resenting Kohén on your behalf and
despising Karol for the deal I made that may not even come to pass if Kohén keeps me or he is married off first… it’s darkening me- I can feel it.’ I released him and stepped back. ‘Besides, even if I didn’t care about any of that stuff, I do still have feelings for Kohén, so resisting temptation aside- uniting behind his back in any way is unkind.’ I swallowed. ‘I could allow myself to be raked over the coals for sleeping with Karol out of obligation, but I will not be caught out with you and make Kohén feel the double-edged blade of betrayal by the two people who he loves the most!’
‘He deserves to be betrayed by you,’ Kohl pointed out, his expression grieved, but more sober now. ‘By both of us.’
‘Perhaps he does, but I cannot be the one to inflict such a punishment upon him, and I will only hurt myself more if I do. And I don’t think you want to be in that position either, do you?’ I searched his gaze. ‘You must still love him!’
‘Of course I do,’ he said to the floor, then looked up at me: ‘But I love you more.’
‘Then help win my heart for God, by encouraging me to keep my thoughts as pure as our actions have been,’ I said, and his face twisted in anguish. ‘I love you too, Kohl, but he has always been the centre of my universe, and I don’t think I could survive a life without his friendship at least, and I know I would hate myself if I was the reason why you two were ripped apart permanently- and that will happen if he finds out about us!’ I pulled on my hair, dismayed when his beautiful blue eyes filled with tears. ‘Please, God, don’t cry! I need you and your white feathers guiding me here Kohl, for I am not strong enough to do it myself!’
‘How can I not break down, while you are breaking me?’ he asked in a gravelly voice. ‘When it is clear that you still love him as much as you love me if not more despite all he has done?’
‘Because you are an angel,’ I sniffled. ‘Please understand- I’m not making this decision because I plan to run straight into his arms. I’m making it so it’s the LAST decision that I have to make for four years- until it is my right to decide what I truly want. Yes he has hurt me, but I am running from him as a jilted lover- forgetting the fact that our friendship is a separate entity to our contractual agreement because HE was kind enough to treat me like a friend- and that has not changed.’ I sniffled again. ‘I have called out to Satan so many times in my grief over him and yet it stands- nothing he has done to me as a lover can ever negate all the good he has done for me as a friend!’ I grasped Miguel’s marble head tightly so I wouldn’t scalp myself. ‘So by promising my future to his twin and forbidding him from discussing one with me, I’m not only being a bad friend and a poor employee… but a manipulative woman, even if that’s only in my eyes, and I can’t live with that either! And what’s worse is that you’re so hell-bent on fighting for me that you’ve rolled over to your own future, and that isn’t right either! You need to leave yourself with options and chase your own dreams!’