by LJ Evans
She nodded.
We all walked down silently to the lab. I was terrified that it was going to end up in more screaming. Wynn seemed to sense my tension.
“Edie, Uncle Lonnie is being a big ol’ scaredy-cat again. Can I help you with this last thing we have to do?”
Edie raised her head to look between me and Wynn. A grin appeared behind the thumb she was still sucking. This kid liked to tease me. “Nonnie scared?”
“Well, I’m not real great with bodily fluids,” I responded. It was true and not true.
“Tay,” Edie said and reached her arms out for Wynn who took her.
I waited in the waiting room of the lab. knowing that Wynn had taken Edie from me because my tension was leaking into my niece, and that my being uptight would have only made her uptight. But I still expected to hear screams, and when there were none, I started to relax. When the door opened, Wynn came out holding Edie by the hand. Edie was eating a cookie.
“Nonnie.” She ran toward me, and when she got to where I was sitting, she pointed to the Band-aid on her arm. “Owie.”
“Aw. You talking about that little hole? Kid, look at this scar,” I said, lifting my t-shirt to show the three-inch scar right below my belly button from the laparoscopic removal of my appendix. It was hardly visible anymore, but if you looked, you could see it. “That’s where they took out my appendix.”
Edie touched it. “Hurt?”
“Nope. Doesn’t hurt a bit, and you won’t even feel yours at all by the time we’ve had our burgers.”
“Tay.” She crawled into my lap. I picked her up, and we all headed out the door.
The day had turned cool while we were inside. It had started warm and summer-like in a way that September still could, but now cloud cover had settled in over us. “Come with us?” I asked, looking at Wynn.
She fiddled with her bag before nodding.
“Leave your car. I’ll drop you back off later.”
We got into my truck in the way we’d become accustomed to. Wynn in the middle. It felt like it should always be this way. We stopped at the Dairy Queen, and Wynn ordered for us like she tended to do. I wouldn’t let her pay though.
“No way, the least I can do is buy you a burger after everything you did today.”
She rolled her eyes at me but didn’t argue.
“Shall we take them out to the lake?” I asked.
That hesitation again. I didn’t know what was going on in her head. She was unreadable once more. Like she was putting up a wall between us that hadn’t been there in a long time. Since she’d picked Edie and me up at the airport.
Eventually, she nodded.
I drove out to the lake, and we ate at the picnic tables that Wynn and I had eaten at back in July. It felt like it had been a lot longer than a couple months. It felt like it was a lifetime ago.
After she’d eaten, Edie crawled down and looked at the tire swing that had been tied to the tree near the benches. “What that?”
Wynn smiled at her. “It’s a tire swing.”
Edie walked over to it.
“Swing?”
Wynn joined her as I threw our trash away. “Yep. A swing. Do you want me to show you how it works?”
Edie nodded.
I watched as Wynn put her graceful body into the swing and tried to push herself off with her toes. I chuckled and then joined them. I pulled on the rope and sent her careening outwards. She laughed. A laugh that was light and carefree. Like Edie’s could get. It lightened my mood in a way that I needed. That Edie needed because she was still sensing my seriousness.
I took out my phone and snapped a few pictures of Wynn swinging wildly in the overcast air in summer clothes that seemed so contradictory. Like Wynn often was. A mix of control and freedom. A mix of sadness and happiness. A mix of confidence and insecurity.
Edie smiled. “Me! Me!”
I stopped the swing, pulling the rope, and Wynn’s legs collided with mine. She looked up at me, blue eyes sparkling, and I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her because she was beautiful. And to thank her for everything she was doing for us. But mostly because I didn’t know how I could be around her much longer and not kiss her.
Wynn went to climb out of the tire, but Edie was already crawling on top of her. So Wynn put her arms around her and Mask the bear, and I swung them out again using the rope at first. Then, I pushed on Wynn’s back where her bare skin stuck out of her summer top, her smooth skin caressing my fingers.
We all smiled, and laughed, and forgot the gravity of the morning. A tire swing and Wynn were all it took to bring Edie and me back from our fears and terror.
It was nearing nap time when I pulled my truck back into the doctor’s office parking lot so that Wynn could get her car. My life was regulated now by hours when Edie was awake, asleep, eating, bathing, and playing.
I climbed out so that Wynn could get out. She leaned over and kissed Edie on the top of her head. “I’ll see you soon, Eds. You be good to Uncle Lonnie.”
“Tay,” Edie said, eyes already starting to droop.
When Wynn hopped out of the truck and landed at my feet, I automatically steadied her, my hand touching her bare skin. She broke out in goosebumps, and even though it had turned cold, I wasn’t sure that was the reason for the chills.
“I don’t know how to thank you enough.”
“Stop. You know I’m glad to help.”
I nodded. A clump in my throat.
“Are you going up to Nashville again this week?” she asked.
I nodded.
“So, you need me on Tuesday?”
“I feel like shit asking you again.”
“Please don’t be. I’m glad to help. I love Edie, and it’s not like I have anything going on right now. It keeps me busy,” she reassured me.
“I just…I can pay you,” I told her. I’d been thinking about it the last few times she’d stayed over. I didn’t want to take advantage of her. I’d have to pay someone if she wasn’t helping me out. It only seemed fair.
“What?”
“You know. Like a job.”
Silence.
“You want to pay me to watch Edie for you?”
“Isn’t that what most people do when they need someone to watch their kid?”
“Are you being paid to watch her?” Wynn came back sharply. She sounded hurt. Like I’d insulted her. And she was right; I wasn’t being paid to watch Edie, even though she wasn’t mine.
“That’s different,” I sighed.
“Look. I can help you. I want to help you.” She paused, emotion in her voice that I couldn’t name, or chose not to name. “But you damn well aren’t paying me.”
“Okay,” I said, my own voice choked with emotions.
Silence settled down between us, as if we both needed to get a hold of ourselves. She was the one to speak first. She usually was. Control. She found her way back to control so quickly.
“So you just need me the one day?”
God, what a fricking loaded question. I hadn’t stopped needing her. My body craved her in a way that I’d already convinced myself I couldn’t have.
“We’re launching the record and doing a gig, so it’s actually two nights instead of one. Does that still work?”
“Two nights?”
“Yeah, I’ll be back Thursday. It should be early.”
“Okay. But if you’re not back early, we’ll have to ask Marina for help.”
“What? You got a hot date that night?” I joked.
She looked away from me. “Um...actually, yeah.”
That hit me in the gut. The thought of Wynn out with some guy. Him getting to hold her hand and rub his fingers on her dewy softness. Him touching those full lips with his own. And then I knew. It was the guy from the diner. Her old boyfriend.
“You’re going on a date with that Zack guy?” I couldn’t help the disdain from coming out. She bristled at my tone.
“Yes,” she snipped out at me for the second time in our c
onversation. “You were right. It’s a good chance for a new first…after the divorce.”
It was the first time she’d really said that and sounded like she meant it. That she was divorced. But I wanted to slam my own head against the door of my truck because I’d been the one to feed her those lines that night on the dock after she’d bought me a vanilla milkshake.
“Was he really your first boyfriend?” I asked, trying not to snarl but remembering Zack’s words from the diner about her being his first love.
“Well…yes.”
“Then that doesn’t sound like a new first. That sounds like reliving something that didn’t work out.” I was a jerk. An asshole. She needed this. She needed to be out storming new walls so that she could forget Grant and what she’d lost. But I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want her to be going on a date with her first anything, including Zack the Cowboy.
“But it wasn’t because he was a jerk who dumped me. His parents moved. He didn’t have a choice,” she said, and I could hear in her voice that I’d made her question it. I was seriously the biggest dick in the world.
“I guess you’re right,” I said. Then, taking a huge breath, I plowed forward, saying exactly the opposite of what I was feeling. “It’s a good thing. You’ll have a good time.”
Her turn to hesitate. “You really think so?”
“Hell yes. Time for you to tear up some dance floors and show him your sorority girl shot queen act,” I joked.
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know.”
She hesitated again and then walked away. I wanted to pull her back to me. I wanted to have her climb back in the truck at my side and go home to my two-bedroom apartment. I wanted her there when I put Edie down so that we could sit together on the couch and bullshit about nothing. But I didn’t. I let her go. Because, at the moment, I thought that was the best thing for both of us.
* * *
Nashville was a pain in the ass. I missed home in a way I’d never missed home before, even though we were nonstop once we hit the ground on Tuesday afternoon. For two days, we had a string of interviews with the press, radio stations, and YouTubers. We had a release party Tuesday night that Cam and Mia came to. They were dressed to the nines in sexy cocktail dresses that made every guy there jealous of Derek and Blake. It made me wish that I had a red-head on my arm making everyone jealous. That I hadn’t stuck her with Edie, but instead asked her to be my date. But I hadn’t. So I drank a few beers, smiled at the people in the room, and went back to my hotel room alone.
We played a gig on Wednesday night, and the crowd went ape-shit. They loved the new songs. They loved Derek and his dynamic nature that drew everyone to him. It didn’t matter a person’s sexual orientation, they couldn’t help but be lured by his charismatic personality. It was his movements, his energy, his exuberance.
At the gig, there was a girl in the front row making googly eyes at me. The kind of girl that I would have taken back to the hotel just a few months ago. She flirted with me the whole night as I’d stood strumming my bass, moving back and forth across the stage without the magnetism of Derek, but at least a little attitude.
But for what was probably the first time ever, I didn’t want to fall asleep in some stranger’s arms. I really wanted to go home and lie in bed with a redhead who just might be wearing one of my t-shirts again. I wanted to lose myself in her curves and white, creamy skin.
I actually debated getting in the truck and driving straight back to my apartment. But we had one last interview the next day for an early morning radio show, so I wouldn’t do that to Derek.
I went back to the hotel room alone after the concert. Mitch and Owen didn’t miss the fact that I didn’t take the girl home. They gave me shit about having lost my dick somewhere along the way.
I just snapped back that I wasn’t going to go home to Edie smelling like some groupie, and that shut them up. But Derek smirked at me because I think he knew I really didn’t want to go home to my strawberry girl smelling like sex.
As I lay staring at the ceiling of the hotel room, I came to terms with the debate that had been roaring inside of me for quite a while. The back and forth, the ebb and flow that I’d been on with my thoughts of Wynn. My thoughts about relationships and sex. About Wynn and sex. About not having Wynn because I didn’t do relationships. And the truth was, it was really simple. I wanted Wynn. All of her. I wanted the relationship. I wanted the forever.
It was new and scary to me. Because I’d really only known screwed up relationships. But it was what I wanted. I couldn’t deny it anymore. The really shit thing, though, was that I’d sent her on a date with another guy.
By the time I’d made it through the interview in the morning and left to head home, I was not in a good mood. I hadn’t slept. I was upset at myself for being a wuss and denying everything I wanted. And I was pissed that Wynn was going on a date with some other guy.
When Wynn greeted me, I just grunted a response. I didn’t know how else to react without saying something really stupid.
Edie was taking a nap, so I just looked in on her. Standing over her, I realized, for the first time, that she didn’t look quite as skinny as she had when I’d first gotten her. That eased my anger and frustration like she was so good at doing. I kissed her cheek and was taken aback by the berry smell that wafted over me. She smelled like Wynn.
When I went out to the main room, Wynn was putting her textbooks into her bag.
“What did you do to Edie?”
She looked up. “What?”
“She smells like you.”
Wynn looked thoughtful for a moment. “I put my sunscreen on her when we went to the park.”
“I’ve never known sunscreen to smell like strawberries.”
Wynn smiled. “Trust me, me either. With skin that burns as easily as mine, I’ve spent my entire life smelling like gross sunblock. Then, Mia introduced me to Trista’s makeup line.”
Trista was the wife of our old drummer, Rob. He’d been on the tour with us when Mia tagged along last year. That’s where Mia met Trista, who was a model running a start-up skin care company. After the tour, Rob had quit to help her with the company, but he’d also said he couldn’t take being away from her so much. I had thought it was a shit move at the time, but now I was starting to understand it.
“How’d everyone like the new album?” Wynn asked.
“It went well. Derek’s a magician onstage. I’m not sure he’ll ever sing anything that people don’t go crazy for.”
“You mean girls, Leo.” She smirked at me.
I laughed and sank down on the couch, trying to think of a way to make her stay when I knew she was leaving…to get ready for her date.
“I think this tour is going to be even crazier than the last one,” I commented.
That stilled her. She looked up at me and then back down in that way that I was coming to know meant she wanted to say something but wasn’t sure how.
“What?”
“How long is the tour?”
“Sixteen weeks. But we’re splitting it. Eight weeks before the holidays and then eight weeks in the new year.”
“You’ll be away that whole eight weeks?” she prodded. And I got what she meant finally. She meant Edie. To tell the truth, I hadn’t forgotten Edie, but I hadn’t thought about her either. I hadn’t thought about what the hell I was going to do with her for that long.
“No. Derek can’t handle being away from Mia that long. We’ll be gone a few days each week. Mostly weekends.”
“That’s still a lot of days.”
I guess I’d been hoping that Lita would have her shit together. That she’d have a place for Edie to go back to. But the truth was, the thought of Edie not being here when I was home twisted like a knife in my gut. I had kind of gotten used to her being my shadow.
Wynn sat on the arm of the couch. Near enough to me that I got a whiff of her scent again. Near enough that it was hard not to reach up and pull her onto my lap.
“It isn’t my place…but I have to say something,” she said.
“Okay…”
“You can’t leave her.”
“What do you mean?” I frowned at her.
“She needs you,” Wynn said quietly. I knew that Edie needed me. I needed her too. And Lita needed her. And Lita needed me. But Derek needed me as well. He’d been by my side through more shit than anyone else. I wasn’t just going to walk away from him. I was being pulled in a lot of different directions, and I was doing my best to walk the line and keep things from spiraling out of control.
I already knew what she meant. But I was being a grumpy bastard, throwing a tantrum like Edie had on Monday in the hallway of the doctor’s office because she’d wanted a toy she couldn’t have. Here I was throwing my own tantrum over a life and a woman that I couldn’t have. So, I dug my heels in and sounded like a shithead.
“Derek needs me, too.”
“Please don’t take this wrong.” And she paused to look up at me, and I could tell that whatever she was trying to say was eating at her. But I didn’t help her out. I didn’t nod as if it was okay. “You’re good at what you do. I don’t mean that you’re not, but there are a lot of other bass players that could step in for the tour.”
That stunned me and pissed me off. That she was saying I should give up the band. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to give up the band. To walk away from what Derek and I had worked so hard to build. Sure, he did the majority of it, but I’d been there with him every step of the way since we’d started the band in high school and started playing at clubs before we were even old enough to drink.
I just snapped back. “I fucking know that. But I don’t think it’s fair that I have to give up everything, and mess up the lives of the people who have been there for me, to help the one person—my sister—who couldn’t ever be there for anyone—even her own daughter.”
She stared at me, pain in her eyes. But it wasn’t pain for herself; it was pain for me. That just drove me crazy. I pushed myself off the couch and stormed into the kitchen, searching the cabinets for something I didn’t need.