my life as a mixtape (my life as an album Book 4)

by LJ Evans

  CAM: You’ve got some ‘splaining to do, girlfriend. Be prepared.

  WYNN: I’ve changed my mind. I’m not coming.

  CAM: Do we have to drag you out in your pajamas like we used to for your birthday in high school?

  WYNN: Ugh. I always hated that.

  MIA: You loved it.

  WYNN: No. I really hated it.

  CAM: Liar. You forget I’ve known you my whole life.

  MIA: I’ll see you all tonight. Gotta run. Denise is calling me over the loudspeaker. I’m going to change her passcode.

  WYNN: Love you both. See you tonight.

  CAM: Be prepared!!!!

  Wynn put the phone down and smiled. It had been a long time since it had been just the three of them. She couldn’t remember the last time. Without Mayson or Derek or Blake or Grant. Just three girls who had grown up helping each other become the best versions of themselves they could be. Helping each other through the loss of Jake and starting over. Now, she was the one starting over, and they were there for her just like she’d been there for them.

  She knew she was going to get the third degree about Lonnie from both her friends tonight. And she didn’t know what to tell them. Because she didn’t really have a grip on it herself. But it would be worth their pretend torment. To just relax and hang out.

  It was going to be a good night.

  * * *

  When Wynn got to Mia’s at seven that night, she was in her yoga pants and Lonnie’s Def Leppard t-shirt. She hadn’t given it back. It was pretty damn comfortable. She had her hair up in a ponytail, pretty sure that they’d end up sloppy drunk on the couch.

  Cam was already there in a pair of flannel pajama bottoms from her diving days and a t-shirt that clung to her athletic frame as if she’d never had a baby. Wynn felt like her own stomach, after the two semi-pregnancies, had already turned to mush while Cam looked like she always had: lean, and tall, and built to move.

  They hugged each other tight.

  “I miss you,” Cam said. Cam wasn’t emotional. You didn’t see it often. She’d rather punch something than cry, but since she’d lost Jake, and found Blake, and had Mayson, Wynn saw it come out in her more. Like somehow she found it necessary to say she loved you before there wasn’t another chance to do so. Because there wasn’t always another chance, and Jake had shown them that.

  They settled on the couch with margaritas, nachos, and Varsity Blues. Cam always requested a football movie before a rom-com.

  “So…explain,” Mia demanded.

  Wynn sighed. “I saw Zack at the diner. He got my number,” Wynn looked to Cam, “from Blake and Matt. He called and asked me out, and I said yes.”

  “That’s the shittiest explanation I’ve ever heard,” Cam replied.

  “If you talk like that around Mayson, he’ll get kicked out of class just like you used to.”

  Cam laughed. “Hey, I get to let it all loose for twelve hours. Let me be.”

  “How is he?”

  “Talking up a storm, but don’t change the subject.”

  “I hadn’t heard that Zack moved back,” Mia said, playing interference like Mia was good at.

  “He hasn’t. He lives in Colorado and works for the PRCA. But Matt is trying to get him to buy property out by theirs.”

  “That’s even better! You’d get to bang him and leave him,” Cam chortled.

  “Yeah, it’s perfect!” Mia agreed.

  “Like either of you know anything about banging and leaving!” Wynn teased, swallowing the rest of her margarita and going for another.

  “Please! My situation is totally different,” Cam tossed out. It wasn’t with the hurt that she used to talk about Jake with. Instead, it was stated like a fact. The loss was still there, but Wynn knew it didn’t haunt her every day like it once had.

  “Derek and I were supposed to be a three week fling,” Mia said between bites.

  “And look how that turned out!” Wynn said.

  “You realize she’s totally sidetracked us again. Spill the beans, Wynn,” Cam demanded.

  Wynn sighed. No one could resist Cam for long. It was just the nature of Cam. All force of nature. “Zack had to cancel because of some emergency back in Colorado. But it was probably for the best because I realized as I was getting ready that it was a mistake. I wasn’t ready for a date.”

  “Not with him,” Mia piped in.

  “Not with anyone yet.”

  Cam looked like she was going to say something else, but Mia gave her a don’t-do-it look, and so they just let it hang in the air for a few minutes. Even though it had been over a year since Grant had left, they all also knew that loss took its own time to heal. There wasn’t a right way for anyone to recover. Each person’s path was different.

  She and Lonnie had a connection. She wasn’t going to deny it. But at the moment, they were just friends. Good friends. And that was so much more important than any sex that they could have, whether the sex was good or not.

  The pitcher of margaritas was gone before Varsity Blues was over. Wynn brought the tequila bottle and shot glasses over instead of making another batch.

  Cam and Mia both groaned. “How do you drink so much and not get sicker than a dog?”

  “I got sicker than a dog after Mia’s wedding.”

  “That’s right!” Cam laughed.

  “What? You did?” Mia asked.

  “With Lonnie.” Cam was laughing so hard she spilled the tequila and had to go get a towel to clean it up.

  “You got drunk with Lonnie?! I never hear the good stuff.”

  “I got drunk after the wedding. Lonnie brought me back here and put me to bed. End of story.”

  Cam was choking. “Put you to bed…”

  “Did you ever grow up?” Mia choked.

  “Nothing happened. Just like nothing still has happened. He’s just a friend,” Wynn insisted to herself as much as to them.

  “You know what Billy Crystal said in When Harry Met Sally,” Mia teased.

  “So you aren’t friends with Lonnie? Or Owen? Or Mitch?” Wynn asked.

  “Totally different. I’m married, and I don’t hang out with them All. The. Time,” Mia retorted.

  “How often is she over there?” Cam asked.

  “At least—” Mia started, but Wynn reached over and covered her mouth, and they ended up toppling off the couch onto the floor in a ball of laughter.

  “You guys suck,” Cam said, downing her own shot and throwing herself back on the couch in a typical dramatic Cam move. “I hate being away from you both.”

  “So move home,” Wynn said, surprising herself. It did feel like this was home again. She’d missed Nashville a lot in the beginning. But now, it felt good to be here. Like she could be herself once more.

  “I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Blake’s business is in Nashville, and I love my work at the hospital. But I do think we need to come back more often.”

  They all drank to that.

  “I’m going to let the Lonnie thing slide for now because Mia is giving me evil eyes, but I want you to know that we’re not done with this conversation,” Cam said, slamming the glass down.

  “I don’t have anything else to tell you.”

  “Maybe not yet.”

  She rolled her eyes at them and then turned toward the television to put in Dirty Dancing, which only made her think of Lonnie and his comment about singing to girls and calling them Baby. But she didn’t dwell on it. Instead, she turned back to her two best friends to enjoy this rare moment that they had with just the three of them. They laughed, and teased, and told stories until they fell asleep tangled up together on the couch like they used to in high school. When life was simpler and yet harder at the same time.

  CLOSE MY EYES FOREVER

  Concerts & Heroes

  “What am I supposed to do with a childhood tragedy.

  If I close my eyes forever, will it all remain unchanged.”

  —Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne

  When I woke
up on Friday, I immediately picked up my phone to reread the late night texts from Wynn to make sure they were still there. To make sure it hadn’t just been some deluded dream like all the dreams I’d had of the creamy-skinned redhead.

  I knew it was going to be a challenge taking the two females with me. A challenge that our manager, Asha, would probably hate almost as much as our old manager, George, had hated it when Derek had brought Mia on their tour a summer ago. But if they could make it work for Derek, I was determined that they make it work for me. For Edie. It was really about Edie, after all.

  At least, that’s what I was telling everyone, even if I knew that I really needed Wynn there as much as Edie did.

  Derek called midday to let me know that Mia had planned a girls’ night with Wynn and Cam at their place, so he was coming over and crashing at my apartment.

  When he got there, I told him about the plan to take Edie and Wynn with us. I’d expected him to give me shit, to tease the life out of me. But instead, Derek got quiet.

  “Are you sure that you want to bring Edie along? Our schedules can be pretty screwed up.”

  “Yeah. I know. But if I keep leaving her, it’s as bad as Lita, if not worse.”

  Derek’s rare seriousness took over his entire body. He’d had an even worse childhood than me, being raised by an alcoholic dad in the PlayBabe Mansion and having to watch his mom slowly wither and die was pretty shitty. But we both put it behind us most days. Or, at least, we didn’t wear it on our sleeves. So, to see him get serious when I responded to him was enough to tell me my words had reached him. I could see him weighing all my choices as I’d weighed them the night before.

  “And Wynn’s okay with this? Coming along?”

  “Yeah. We’d still come home during the week like you’re planning on doing. That way Edie at least sees us coming back to the same place.”

  “It’s a lot of traveling.”

  “I know. But I have to give it a try…” I paused. “Or I’m going to have to quit.”

  “Shit,” Derek said. And that said it all. For both of us. We’d been together since our freshman year in high school. We’d created the band together. We’d found new band members when old ones left. We’d never said it, but it had always been there between us—that we wouldn’t bail out on each other. Except that, now, I was a hair away from having to do just that.

  “Any news on Lita?” Derek asked as way of acceptance.

  “I know she got out.”

  That’s all I could say. She’d been released. I only knew that for sure because when I’d called the rehab center, they’d told me she wasn’t there anymore. I asked where they’d set her up, because I knew for a fact they hadn’t sent her to Mark and Rochelle’s, but they wouldn’t tell me.

  Some goddamn rehab center if they didn’t know that I was the only stable thing in her life. They should have sent her to me.

  Guilt overwhelmed me as I thought about it. I was a fucking idiot just like Mia said. I hadn’t even thought to suggest that she come to me in Tennessee. I should have told the rehab center to let her know that she was welcome here. With her daughter. That we wanted her here. That she belonged with us. Shit.

  Derek read my thoughts as only a good friend can.

  “She’ll contact you. She always does.”

  “I know,” I said back automatically, even though I was pretty sure that I didn’t believe it. She hadn’t contacted me before I’d gotten the CPS call. What was to say she would now? When she hadn’t talked to me the whole time she was in rehab. When I knew that guilt and remorse were raging inside her, as well as her depression.

  “Let me call Asha. She can have the arrangements made for us.”

  “Thanks,” I said, trying not to let the emotion that was filling me show on my face, and failing.

  “Dude. Don’t go all wussy on me.”

  “Really, man.” But I was smiling again, egging him on.

  “Fucking, pansy.” He was laughing too, but he pulled his phone out and called Asha. I felt my heart unclench. I had a plan, if nothing else.

  If it didn’t work out, if it stressed Edie out too much, if Wynn and I couldn’t find a routine that we could stick to in order to give her some structure, I’d have to walk away. Because Edie had to come first. She’d given me a purpose in life that I hadn’t had before.

  Derek had told me months ago that I would like it if I let someone into my life like he’d let Mia. I hadn’t believed it then. I’d always seen relationships as a burden instead of a gift. But now, Edie—and Wynn—had made me see things differently. I saw the completeness that came from a life shared with others.

  I wanted Lita to have that, too. I wanted her to see that we could be a real family. The one we’d never had growing up. If I could just get her to move to Tennessee, it could work. I’d get a three-bedroom apartment, and she’d realize she didn’t have to do any of this on her own. Her recovery or raising Edie. She’d see the good people in my life that would help her as much as they’d helped me.

  I just had to talk to her.

  So, while Derek was on the phone with Asha, I left the first of a series of messages on the last phone number she’d had. When it came to my sister, you never knew what would happen. But I’d let the hope that had settled in live there for a few days, at least, before I gave up.

  * * *

  The first tour stop was at The Criterion in Oklahoma City. They’d been good to us last year and the year before that. It was a little like playing to our hometown crowd, except we’d get an even bigger draw when we played in our actual hometown of L.A.

  Wynn and Edie came along just as we’d planned. Edie was more excited than I thought she’d be about the airplane and the hotels. Wynn and I were determined to stick to a schedule for her no matter where we were. Breakfast, lunch, nap, dinner, and bedtime would all be at the same time. It wouldn’t always be easy, and the change in locations was still going to be hard on her, but we were going to try our best.

  Mia came along with us to the first stop, too, and it was weird. Like we were traveling as a group of families instead a group of overgrown adolescents like last year.

  Mitch and Owen griped about it, but it was in a harassing-more-than-serious sort of way. Our new drummer, Eli, shook his head a lot, not sure what to think about a band that wasn’t about the party afterwards. Not that Mitch and Owen didn’t party. They did. And they still brought the ladies back to the hotel. But there was one less of us available on the stage, and it seemed to affect the crowd dynamic. Or maybe that was just me, seeing it differently than before.

  The second stop was in Denver. A place we’d played before as well. We were playing there two nights. Wynn and I had adjoining rooms, and we left the doors open so that Edie could go back and forth between us. Sometimes she fell asleep in my bed; sometimes she fell asleep in Wynn’s, and it worked for us.

  The second day, Wynn walked in when I was placing another call to Lita.

  “Hey. It’s me again. I really want you to consider what I’ve been saying. I want you to come to Tennessee. Come live with me. Edie likes it there. I can help you. At least just call me please. Let me know you’re okay.”

  Wynn sat on the edge of my bed as I hung up. I ran my hand over my face. The fucking beard would not stay away. I’d always been hairy, but lately it had seemed out of control. Maybe it was just because I had less time to deal with it than before, but it seemed like I was growing my own Chia bush these days.

  “No luck?” she asked.

  I just shook my head.

  “You can’t force her. You’ve given her the option. It’s more than most people would have given her.”

  “I know. I just wish that I’d thought of it sooner. That she came straight to me from rehab.”

  “You’re a good brother, Leo.”

  I heard the tease in her tone. She was trying to lighten the mood, but I couldn’t look at her because I felt like a failure of a brother the last couple months. A good brother wouldn’t
have let things get so bad to begin with.

  When I stayed serious, she got serious too. “Weren’t you the one who told me one mistake doesn’t make you a failure?”

  It was like she read my mind. I looked over at her, a gentle smile on her face. She was so incredibly gorgeous. So beautiful that whenever I stopped to really look at her, it took my breath away.

  I looked down at her soft, full lips, wanting so badly to know if they tasted like she smelled. Strawberries and cream. Wanting to know what it would feel like to have that soft skin up against mine that was all calloused and rough from playing bass and growing fur like a jackal.

  Her lips parted under my examination. I could hear her breath pick up pace, and her eyes flicked down to my lips and back. If I leaned just slightly, I could take them in mine. We’d both finally be able to taste each other. To know what it felt like to lose ourselves in each other.

  I wasn’t sure she was ready for it: first-kiss-after-the-divorce. Hell, I wasn’t sure if she’d already had that with the Zack the Cowboy. I was pretty sure she hadn’t had first-sex-after-the-divorce though. That made my body tighten up in embarrassing ways, like it always did around her when I let my thoughts travel down this path too far.

  I hesitated instead of closing the distance between our lips. Fucking mistake.

  “Nonnie?” Edie came into the room, cape still on, Mask the Bear clutched in her arms.

  “Hey, Chicken Lips. You were supposed to be asleep.”

  “I’s not tired.”

  “I’m not tired. Shall I read you a book?”

  She nodded. I pulled her up into my arms, and we leaned up against the headboard. Wynn came around the other side, joining us on the bed. It felt like home. It felt like family. It felt so good that I just wanted Lita to be able to see it. To understand it. To get that she could have this too, if she just let herself.

  * * *

  The morning after our second concert in Colorado, we were packing to head to the airport and home. We had a week and a half between this gig and the next one. It was one of our biggest downtimes that we’d have on this leg of the tour. I wasn’t sure that I could say it was all going to work out after only the first two stops, but I was optimistic.