my life as a mixtape (my life as an album Book 4)

by LJ Evans

  My phone vibrated on the table next to us, and she pulled back, hand to her mouth, the bracelet I’d given her slipping down her arm, shimmering in the limited light.

  “Lonnie,” she said, and it was as breathless as I felt. But there was also a tone to it that wasn’t acceptance like mine would have been if I’d spoken. It was much more cautious.

  And I knew it had been too soon. I’d pushed toward my goal, tired of waiting, but just like I hadn’t been able to take the cape off Edie today and replace it with wings, I shouldn’t have kissed her yet. The bracelet had been enough. I shouldn’t have done both.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally found words, but they were gruff with emotions and the desire I felt in every part of me.

  I knew she felt the desire, too. It wasn’t that she didn’t. It was simply that my girls weren’t ready. Either of them. I wanted these things for them more than they did yet.

  My phone vibrated again, someone calling back when I hadn’t picked up the first time. She looked down at it so that she wouldn’t have to meet my eyes.

  “It’s Mark,” she said. She pushed herself away from me and went into the kitchen. She was trembling. I could see it as she moved. Her hands were shaking; her walk was unsteady.

  I wanted to follow, but I didn’t. I’d already pushed too far today. I picked up the phone instead. “Mark.”

  “Leander. Hi.” He seemed as hesitant as Wynn. I frowned.

  “What’s up?”

  “I was just calling to wish Edie a happy birthday.” The tentativeness in his voice made me both angry and sad at the same time. That he wasn’t sure he could call his granddaughter to say happy birthday.

  “I’m sorry, we just put her down.”

  “I forgot about the time difference.”

  I rubbed my hand over the stubble on my face, sighing. Maybe I should just give up my attempt to keep it away and grow a beard like the one Mark sported.

  “You could call tomorrow.”

  “Well…the thing is…” he continued his hesitancy. “The thing is, we’ll be flying out there tomorrow.”

  “You’re coming to Tennessee?” The surprise that went through me took away the last remnants of heat from Wynn’s and my kiss, the tension in my lower extremities disappearing like the sun over the lake.

  “You invited us to Edie’s party.”

  And I had. Mark had been texting me off and on since we’d come back from Lita’s funeral. More than I’d heard from him in probably five years in a matter of five weeks. I had told him about the party. I had said we’d be happy if they came, but I’d said it because I’d felt obligated to do so and not because I expected them to show up.

  “I did.”

  “Look, if it’s easier if we don’t—”

  “No, come,” I cut him off before he could back out. For whatever reason, Mark was trying. Whether it was out of guilt from Lita, or because he’d been hit in the face with the shortness of all of our lives, or because of some other, unknown reason, he was trying. And Edie deserved to know her grandparents. She deserved to draw her own conclusions about them, because I was determined not to make my opinion hers.

  We were both quiet.

  “Do you need me to pick you up at the airport?” I asked.

  “No, no. I hired a car.”

  Awkward silence again.

  “We’ll be in late, so we’ll see you at Derek’s house then on Saturday?” Mark asked.

  “Sounds good,” I told him, my voice cracked with raw emotions, but I wasn’t going to cry. Screw that. No way. He didn’t deserve that.

  “Well…goodnight then.”

  “Goodnight.”

  But before I could click off, his voice stopped me, “Leander?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m really glad we’re going to get to see you both.”

  Then he hung up, and I looked down at the phone as if it was some device I’d never seen in my life. I wasn’t sure how to process how any of the events of the evening had progressed. None of them exactly as I’d wanted them.

  Wynn’s and my kiss, full of desire and longing, had ended with her pulling away from it, unsure. Now, Mark and Rochelle were coming to their granddaughter’s birthday party when I’d thrown it out mostly as a topic of conversation. They were coming to another state to see her when they’d been unable to drive twenty minutes to show up at her birth.

  Wynn sat down on the coffee table next to me. She twined her arm through mine until her fingers found mine. She squeezed them and rested her head on my shoulder, and my eyes swam with emotions.

  At least she wasn’t running out the door.

  “I’m so happy for you. That they’re coming,” she said quietly.

  I nodded because I was afraid that I couldn’t hold back any longer if I spoke. I wasn’t sure happy was one of my emotions. There was hope twisted in with my shock, and I was terrified of that. Because hope and my parents had never gone well. I’d always ended up disappointed.

  “Lonnie,” she said, and I looked down at her upturned face and blue eyes full of her own emotions. I wanted to kiss her again. To lose myself in that sensation of belonging. Of home. Of her. But I didn’t.

  She looked down at my own lips and back up to my eyes as she had all day long. “It’s a good thing. Don’t read anything into it. Just accept it for what it is.”

  And I didn’t know if she was talking any more about Mark and Rochelle or our kiss, but she was right. They were both good things. I had to just accept them and move on from there. Take what was given and not get caught up in longing for more from any of them than they could give at that moment.

  Do I Have To Say The Words

  Roses & Revelations

  “When this world's closing in,

  There's no need to pretend,

  Set me free. Darling, rescue me.”

  —Bryan Adams

  Lonnie picked Wynn up on the way to Mia and Derek’s on Saturday. She didn’t need a ride. It was because Lonnie wanted them to go together. She knew what it would look like with them arriving together, but she didn’t protest. She wanted a chance to see him before the party. To make sure he was calm before seeing Mark and Rochelle.

  She was surprised when Lonnie was late. He made excuses about Edie giving him a hard time, but Edie looked happy and content. Not that she didn’t always look happy and content until you tried to take the cape off of her, but she didn’t seem like she’d given him a hard time. No puffy eyes. No red cheeks.

  “You look beautiful,” Lonnie said as his eyes traveled the course of her whole body and then back to her lips before slowly making their way to her eyes.

  Her eyes went to his lips, and she was right back to feeling everything she’d felt when he’d kissed her on Thursday. How his lips on hers had been a relief and pleasure all rolled into one. How the intensity of everything she’d felt had overwhelmed her enough to allow herself to be pulled onto his lap. To revel in the taste of chocolate and the smell of Lonnie.

  Her body remembered, even now, the pleasure that had coursed through her in ways that she didn’t remember ever feeling before. It had been so long since she’d been kissed passionately that maybe her body had just forgotten what it felt like. But she doubted it. She thought that maybe she’d never felt that deep of a connection and desire for anyone she’d ever kissed before—including Grant.

  In that moment, it had been like ice had been sent down her spine. Because she didn’t know if she could trust herself. She’d thought she’d loved Zack. And Pete. And Grant. There’d been dates and guys in between these three men, especially when she’d been in college, but she hadn’t thought she loved any of those random dates. She had thought she loved the three men who had all left her. Even though Zack hadn’t had a choice when he was fourteen, he’d still left. They hadn’t stayed in contact. He hadn’t been filled with the desire to see her again even though he stated that she was the only girl he’d ever loved.

  When Mark had interrupted the kiss, it had b
een the perfect distraction. The perfect time to escape so she could think about everything the kiss was telling her about herself, and her relationships, and Lonnie.

  That night, after Mark’s call, Lonnie had walked her to her car, and he’d looked down at her lips again with longing, but she’d put the car door between them before he could take action on the desire that was in his eyes. The bracelet he’d given her clanged against the glass. It was beautiful. And too much. But she had enough Southern manners built into her to not reject a gift that someone gave you. Even if it was too grand of a gesture.

  It wasn’t the first time a guy had given her jewelry. Grant had given her not only her engagement ring and a pearl necklace for their wedding, but also that stupid pair of sapphire earrings right before he’d divorced her. But this was the first time someone had given her jewelry before they were technically together.

  They’d said goodnight in hushed voices, and she’d been able to avoid him on Friday because he was planning Edie’s party, and she’d promised to spend the day with her parents. She’d spent the day with her mama in the garden. They’d talked flowers and vegetables. They’d talked about Edie and Lonnie and how they were slowly recovering from the loss of Lita.

  Over sweet tea on the porch, her mama asked her about Grant. How was she feeling about it these days?

  “Honestly, Mama, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Instead, it feels like it was the right thing.”

  Mama nodded and smiled. A smile that mamas everywhere seemed to have perfected as if they know way more than you ever will. Wynn wondered if she had her own little ones, if she’d be able to have that same smile someday, but it felt like an impossibility.

  At night, they’d met her daddy at the restaurant for dinner, and then they’d gone to a movie, and by the time she came home, it was late.

  She texted Lonnie to make sure everything had gone okay with the party planning. She knew Mia was helping him, but it still felt strange to not have been the one at his side. He said everything went fine and insisted on picking her up the next day. She finally caved instead of arguing about it.

  On Saturday, as she’d gotten dressed for the party, she’d debated not wearing the bracelet. But the platinum setting went beautifully with the floral sundress that swung gently from her waist to hit above her knees, so she wore it and no other jewelry. She slipped into her cowboy boots, shoved her arms into her jean jacket, and then waited for Lonnie. She’d be on the cold side today wearing a dress in the November chill that had settled into Tennessee, but she hadn’t wanted to wear her jeans with Rochelle showing up. She had a feeling that Rochelle was going to look down on everyone in this little town, and she didn’t want to be one of them.

  Lonnie was wearing beat up jeans, a long sleeve blue Henley, and a leather jacket when he showed up at her door. He looked rockstar hot. He’d recently traded in his Doc Martens for his own pair of cowboy boots. With the truck and the boots, he looked like he’d grown up in her town.

  His face was no longer shaved. Instead, it looked like he was growing in a beard again. She didn’t know which was more appealing to her. The clean-shaven, boyish look that touched her heart, the stubble that made her body react in sensual ways when it touched her skin, or the beard that made him look so manly that it hit both her heart and her nether regions equally.

  “You look very Southern today,” she said in return to his compliment.

  He handed her a group of pink roses. Pink roses stood for love, appreciation, and gratitude. She wasn’t sure Lonnie knew that, or if he did, which of the meanings he meant the most.

  “Thank you,” she said. She took them with her because they were already running late. He held the truck door open for her, and she scooted into the middle as she always did when they drove his truck. She kissed Edie on the cheek.

  “Are you ready for your party?” Wynn asked Edie.

  “Party!” Edie cried out, and Wynn barely moved her face in time as Edie punched the air. The movement caused Wynn’s head to land on Lonnie’s shoulder. She looked up, smiling, and he grinned back down, causing her heart to pitter-patter at the warmth in his amber eyes.

  He eyed the bracelet as it slid down her wrist as she buckled the seatbelt. He didn’t say anything, but his smile increased, and that conflicted her. The jewelry. The kiss. Arriving together. It felt like they’d made themselves a couple without ever having been on a date. Without ever having said that was what they were doing.

  She was quiet as they drove.

  “We’re late. Do you think Mark and Rochelle are there already?” Wynn asked, worried. How would the others have received them? How would they react to the people full of country that would be at Derek and Mia’s?

  Lonnie shrugged. “Rochelle likes to make an entrance, so they’ll probably be late.”

  When they got to Derek and Mia’s, someone had ensured there was a space left in the driveway for them while other vehicles lined the street. They got to the door, and there was a steady hum of voices as they let themselves in. Most of the people were out back even though the day was chilly and overcast. No rain yet. But there was the hint of snow in the air.

  When they opened the French doors, the voices stopped and everyone yelled, “Happy Birthday, Wynn and Edie!”

  Wynn froze next to Lonnie who was carrying Edie. “What?” She looked up at him, and he grinned at her again, her heart responding as always.

  “We couldn’t celebrate Edie and not you,” he told her.

  Her eyes filled with tears that she blinked back, refusing to ruin her makeup. He looked down at her lips again, and she almost threw her worry and control to the wind and kissed him. But then her mama and daddy came over, and thoughts of kisses went by the wayside. Her daddy hugged her, tweaked Edie’s chin, and slapped Lonnie on the shoulder before heading toward the cooler and the beer. Mama handed her a glass of wine, hugged her, and whispered, “You look like you could use this.”

  Everyone went back to talking and laughing, eating the food that was much the same as it always was when the Phillips and the Swaynes threw parties: Tri-tip, ribs, mac-n-cheese, potato salad. Mia was flitting around, playing hostess, but Cam joined Wynn with Mayson stuck to her hip.

  She hugged her. “So, now you’re arriving with him?” The teasing in her voice was there but also something that sounded like happiness.

  “It was just easier.”

  “Uh-huh. Nice bracelet, by the way,” Cam said, noticing things like Cam always noticed things.

  Wynn played with the bracelet. “It was a joke that he took seriously.”

  “It’s okay, you know.”

  Wynn frowned at her. “What’s okay?”

  “I’m just saying that you don’t need to wait because of Grant. This isn’t like becoming a widow and feeling like everyone is going to judge you when you start dating.”

  Wynn looked at her friend closely, because even though Cam hadn’t been married to Jake, she knew that they’d been closer than most married people. They’d belonged together more than most married people, and when he’d died, she probably had felt like she’d be judged if and when she started dating again. It had taken her a couple years to go out with Blake. But it was a good thing. Cam with Blake was a calmer Cam. A more peaceful Cam.

  Wynn was going to respond, but then, through the French doors, she saw Mark and Rochelle enter the house. Rochelle was in a black suit that screamed money and stilettos that didn’t belong in any Tennessee backyard.

  Lonnie saw them at the same time. His face was a mix of emotions that he schooled as he headed toward the doors with Edie still in his arms.

  Cam shoved her shoulder. “Go on. You know you want to follow him.”

  And she did. “It’s just… they aren’t always very kind—”

  “You don’t need to explain to me. Just go.”

  So Wynn did, following him into the house in time to see Mark hug Edie and Rochelle pat her shoulder awkwardly.

  Mark saw Wynn approach and smiled almost shyly. A
smile that looked like Lonnie’s and Edie’s in many ways. “Hello, Wynn.”

  To Wynn’s surprise, he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. When Wynn looked up, Rochelle looked furious, as if Wynn had just seduced Mark right out in the open. But Rochelle schooled the look back into her fake smile so quickly that Wynn almost thought she imagined it.

  “Thanks for coming,” Lonnie said, his voice gruff with emotion.

  Mark nodded and Rochelle continued her fake smile. Derek walked into the house, smiling at them both. “Mark! Rochelle! Welcome to Tennessee.”

  The men exchanged handshakes, and Derek leaned in and kissed Rochelle’s cheek much the way that Mark had just kissed hers. Rochelle was still fake smiling.

  “Is this your home then?” Rochelle asked.

  “It’s come a long way since we bought it,” Derek said with pride, but when Wynn looked at Rochelle, she could read the judgement in her eyes. The little three-bedroom, two-bath house in the middle of nowhere would never meet with her approval even if it was ensconced in gold and silver.

  Mia came up behind them, placing her hand in Derek’s. Derek introduced Lonnie’s parents to his wife and then drew them into the backyard to introduce them to more of the crowd.

  Lonnie looked down at Wynn for a second before they followed. “She’s pissed that she’s here,” Lonnie said.

  “She doesn’t look pissed,” Wynn said, moving her head toward the door where Rochelle was smiling at all the people whom Derek placed in front of her.

  “Trust me. She’s pissed as hell.”

  They went out and joined the rest of the party. The two little ones were the biggest hit. Mayson had barely started walking in August, but now he could maneuver around pretty good, and Edie followed him like a big sister, making sure he didn’t fall, holding his hand.

  It made Wynn’s heart hurt because if she’d kept her first baby, she would have had a little one pretty much the same age as Mayson. She turned away, drank her wine, and went back for another glass.