by LJ Evans
The stars were just starting to make an appearance, and Cam looked up and out in the direction of her star in the Delphinus section. The star he’d had named for her. She couldn’t always find it, but she knew it was there. Like Jake was there.
“I still miss you,” she whispered and was answered with a breeze that brushed her hair so that it hit her cheek, feeling like a caress.
And she did. Miss him. She’d never stop missing him. But it wasn’t with the soul-consuming heartache that it had once been. She loved her life now. She loved Blake and the two babies they’d made together. She loved helping kids make better choices with their diabetes. She loved being an aunt to Mia’s twins and the one on the way. She loved being aunt-like to Wynn and Lonnie’s three-year-old Stephen and his niece Edie. She loved how Stephen and Khiley seemed to have a special bond that also reminded her of herself…and Jake.
It was a weird dichotomy in her heart and soul that she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to reconcile. The love of the thing she lost and the love of all the things she had now. They seemed to belong to two different people. Cam with Jake, and Cam with everyone else. Because she was much more engaged in everyone else’s life now than when she’d just been his.
Cam moved across the field to the home team tunnel. They’d had to specially design the way the field and the seats sat in order to accommodate the memorial here. But she hadn’t wanted it outside in front of the stadium. Jake was always on the field, not watching from the outside. The memorial needed to be where he could watch over all the games that were played here.
She was glad that she’d been able to get Seth Carmen to design it. Strange that the boy she’d dated when Jake wouldn’t date her, the boy who’d hit her, and the boy who’d also forced Jake into finally accepting their love for each other was the one to design the statue in his honor.
The statue shimmered in the evening light, reflecting the sunset and the stars like Jake’s mosaic eyes used to. The wire was bent and twisted as if it was a person, as if it was a person tossing a football, except that it wasn’t a person. There were no eyes, no hands, no football. Just a hint at what it was supposed to be. It was gorgeous. Like Jake had been.
Cam was surprised that it was Seth who found her first. He’d grown into this tall, muscular man with just a bit of his old surliness to him but also a smile that coated his face often. The smile appeared most often when he looked at his wife, PJ, and their five-year-old daughter, Gracie. His girls were the light of his life, and you could tell, whenever his eyes settled on them, just how much they had him wrapped around their pinkies.
“I hope it does him justice,” Seth said. His gravelly, deep voice echoed in the empty stadium even though he hadn’t spoken very loud. That was just Seth for you: intensity that never left and was all encompassing.
“It’s more than I could have ever expected. Thank you.”
He nodded.
“I still wish you’d let us pay for it. I’m the one who commissioned it, after all,” Cam told him.
He didn’t respond at first. Seth had never been big on words. Then eventually, he said quietly, “I never got to apologize.”
As if the memorial was his way of apologizing for all the things he’d done and said when they’d been two crazy teenagers a lifetime ago.
“You did,” she said back.
He looked at her as if assessing her level of forgiveness. Cam sighed. “Seth, we were both screwed up and looking for things that weren’t what either of us could have given. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.”
“Everything?” There was a hint of surprise in his voice.
She thought about what he asked. Everything? Was Jake’s death part of that? She could never, would never, be able to answer that. It was like one of those alternate universe questions. Life with Jake would have been equally as blessed. She knew that with every piece of her. But this life. It was also wonderful. Fulfilling. She was happy. At peace.
“You didn’t need to do this because of our past,” she said instead of replying to his question.
Seth was done talking, it seemed. There was no response. From behind him, a soft voice spoke for him, “Seth wanted to do this. For all of you.”
Cam looked at the small, fairylike woman that tangled her fingers with Seth’s. PJ was so small compared to him that it seemed like they shouldn’t fit, and yet they did. Her other hand held their little girl’s. She had Seth’s cold-blue eyes but her mother’s tininess.
“Hey, Gracie-Lou,” Cam teased.
The little girl put a hand on her hip and glared. “That’s not my name.”
“Gracie,” PJ scolded.
“You’ll always be my Gracie-Lou, Gracie-Lou, Gracie-Lou.” Cam reached out and tickled her, and the little girl’s frown turned into a smile.
Seth’s manager, Locke, joined them on the field, and with him came her good friend, Keith. Both looking happy and relaxed as they always did. Locke and Keith had gotten married in a ceremony on the beach in California that she’d been invited to but not been able to attend because she’d been close to delivering Khiley.
Keith hugged her. “How you holding up?”
That was Keith. Supportive. Wise. Even amongst his own trials and issues. “I’m doing good. It feels surreal, but right.”
“Jake would have been humble and yet all ego at the same time,” Keith said.
She nodded. Her own thoughts on display in his words, filling her heart again with love and conflicting emotions.
An arm wrapped around Cam’s middle and brought her back up tight against a body she knew well. It was a motion that Jake used to do, but she’d found out, after being with Blake, that Jake must have picked up the mannerism from him. Because Blake was as good at making her feel like she belonged to him as Jake had been by the motion. She and Blake had now been a couple for almost double the time that she and Jake had officially dated. Somehow, that didn’t seem real at all. That time could have passed so quickly.
“Hey, everyone,” Blake greeted.
“Hi, Blake,” PJ said with a smile. Seth nodded. Gracie looked around as if expecting Cam’s own rascals to be with him. Cam was wondering where they were herself.
“Where’s Mayson?” Gracie asked, speaking the words before Cam could.
Blake chuckled, and Seth scowled at his daughter’s interest in their son. “All the kids are at the concession stand. Cam’s and Mia’s mamas were handing out ice creams,” Blake replied.
“Daddy, can I have an ice cream?” Gracie looked up at Seth with eyes that glinted, knowing she was going to get what she wanted before she even asked.
“Of course,” Seth responded as if there was no other option. And the three of them meandered away just as Wynn, Lonnie, Mia, and Derek reached them. There was an exchange of greetings and talk of ice cream and kids before Seth and his girls continued in the direction of the snacks.
The two couples joined them at the memorial.
Mia was already all teary-eyed and nothing had even been said yet. Derek pulled her close to his side, her baby belly sticking out of a cute summer dress she had on. Their twins, Ginny and Tiras, were barely two. Cam had laughed when Derek let Mia name their kids after two of her favorite book characters. One from the Harry Potter series and the other from an Amy Harmon novel. Cam was more surprised that she’d agreed to get pregnant again after the trials of having the twins.
What had been more astonishing to everyone than the twins’ names was the fact that Wynn had ended up pregnant before Mia. Cam had had her second and Wynn had her little boy before Mia had even gotten pregnant the first time. After Mia and Derek had gotten married, everyone had taken bets on how long it would take Derek to get her knocked up, and no one had won. Mia dragged her feet until she felt like she had the dealership well in hand so that their daddies, Carter and Scott, could truly retire without worrying about the business.
That was Mia for you, making sure everyone else was okay before she took the next step in her own
life. It was a good thing that Derek got that. That he loved it about her. Cam was pretty sure Jake would have approved of Mia’s choice in a spouse. Derek was good at pushing her out of herself when it was needed but also loving the introverted, booklover she was.
“Don’t cry, or I’ll cry,” Cam told her, reaching out to squeeze Mia’s hand.
“You won’t. You’ll just punch me instead.”
“You punch two boys in your life, and no one ever lets you live it down.” Cam rolled her eyes.
“Are you sure it was only two? You punched Jake’s shoulder all the time. Plus, I think you punched Paul once. Or maybe Craig?” Mia laughed.
“And don’t forget Brian, the dork who gave Jake the black eye on the football field, or Seth,” Wynn teased.
“Wait, Cam punched Seth?” Lonnie asked with an idiotic grin. “That’s pretty frickin’ awesome.”
Lonnie’s grin made Wynn smile back spontaneously. Cam loved to see her best friend this happy. It was good that Wynn had finally found someone who loved her as she truly deserved to be loved. Not like stuffy Grant who had deserted her to run around Thailand.
“It was a total kick-ass, Super Girl move of her,” Keith chuckled.
“He deserved it,” Mia said at the same time as Keith.
“No one deserves to be punched,” Cam said in response.
“Who are you and what have you done with my Cam?” Blake laughed over her shoulder.
“Why is it that I’m always the one that gets ganged up on?” Cam pouted, but it wasn’t really a pout. She loved that they all knew her stories. That they all knew her.
“Jake would have been insufferable if he’d actually been here. He would never have let any of us live it down that we were naming a stadium after him,” Mia changed the subject like she was good at, but her voice was also clogged with emotion.
Cam nodded. Blake squeezed her tighter. She treasured the fact that he never got jealous of her past with Jake. Of her need to still do things for him. Blake just took it in stride like he took everything about her and their life together. He was always the calm in her storm, even when the storm was one of her own making.
She and Blake had finally gotten married last year. It had taken her a long time to set a date. Blake had patiently waited, because he’d known that, for so much of her life, her white wedding dreams had been tied to a different man. That Blake had understood that, and been okay with it, always made her heart expand even more. To love him even more. With a love that was as true as the one she’d had for Jake, but more mature. More real in many ways. She wasn’t living with an idol. She was living with a man.
“Thank you, all of you, for contributing to the stadium,” she told them, and her own voice clogged on the emotions. She was better and worse at feelings now than when she’d been with Jake. Her teenage self would have hated tears. Her grown-up self knew that it was good to let them out instead of holding them in.
“Hey, all of our kids are going to either be playing here or watching games here, so it seemed appropriate,” Derek responded nonchalantly.
“I’m glad you moved home,” Wynn told Blake and Cam.
“We’re glad we came home,” Cam replied.
“It works with my partner, Wil, still in Nashville,” Blake said.
“Lonnie, is it okay if I take the littles up to the press booth?” Edie asked, approaching them.
Cam watched the nine-year-old finish crossing the field on light feet. Dancer feet. The young girl sidled up between Wynn and Lonnie. You’d never know that the strawberry blonde girl wasn’t Wynn and Lonnie’s if you didn’t know the story. She looked like she belonged to them. She had a lot of Lonnie’s looks, including his brown eyes, but she walked and talked like Wynn.
“I guess, but don’t let them break anything. We already paid for it once. We don’t want to pay for it all over again,” Lonnie answered. Edie turned and headed back toward the kids that were entering the field with their grandparents.
Cam watched as her parents, Mia’s parents, Wynn’s parents, and even Lonnie’s father, Mark, crossed the field with all the kids and Seth’s little family in tow. The family that they once were was so much larger now than when it had just been the Swaynes and the Phillips at Sunday dinner. But it was a family that made Cam’s heart full. That she knew would have also made Jake happy.
This thing that had begun with her and Jake, before they could even talk to one another, had brought all these people together. Had created this life that they all had now that was full of love, and laughter, and happy moments. They’d all gone down different paths of heartache and loss before arriving where they were. Even if there were more heartaches in store for them, they would have each other, this big extended family, to help each other through. They’d never have to go it alone. They’d always have each other.
It was more than she could have dreamed of as a teenage girl with a broken heart, waiting for Jake to look at her. It was more than she could have dreamed of for any of them. It just went to show that sometimes God, or the universe, or whatever cosmic force was out there, knew better than you exactly what you needed.
That life really was a country album.
Haven’t gotten enough of the
MY LIFE AS AN ALBUM series characters yet?
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About the Book
I wanted to start with a note to all the doubters out there that say a cat wouldn’t eat a bouncy ball. We have our crazy cat, Cleo, to thank for the multi-thousand dollar bill and the knowledge that allowed me to start Wynn and Lonnie’s journey off with a trip to the vet. Thanks for that, Cleo the Cat, and also our amazing veterinarian, Doctor Olson, who has seen us through so many of our costly pet adventures.
Regarding the more serious topics in this book, as is true with all the books in this series, the characters deal with many mental and health issues. They have to learn to live life through these challenges. I may not have gotten everything in this book right about depression, bipolar disorder, drug addiction, or how Child Protective Services works, but any of the errors that were made were done with the best of intentions to help make a book that could entertain and move you. So, I hope you forgive any mistakes you find as part of the creative process.
I hope that you aren’t suffering from any of these mental or health issues in your own life, but if you are, and haven’t already, please get help. There are people who can be there for you. You don’t have to go it alone.
The Suicide Prevention Hotline is available for free 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-TALK. (8255). You can also find them online at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or hit the “chat” button right from the website to get help.
The Crisis Text Line (741741) is a 24/7 nonprofit that connects people in need with a counselor via text. This is for any crisis, not just suicide. You can text and receive help in a way that is anonymous and confidential.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has a 24-hour National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. You can also find information on their website at https://www.samhsa.gov/.
Child Protective Services (CPS) provides a necessary service to children who need to be removed from toxic and unhealthy situations. If you know of any child that is being left in dangerous situations, I hope you contact your local CPS agency. Unfortunately, there isn’t one number. But you can easily find your local number by Googling CPS and your location.
Finally, I just wanted to say that my wish for you is a healthy and happy journey through life, but if that isn’t happening for you, please contact one of these services for help.
May you live life resiliently. With hope and love.
LJ
Acknowledgements
The list of people who have helped me with
this novel, and this series, is certainly not small, and I hope that I do not forget anyone in the process.
My first acknowledgement is to my daughter who has begun her own creative journey at Chapman University and has become the best critic and line editor I could ever have. She sees the holes in my story and isn’t afraid to point them out. Thank you for not only helping me craft my words but encouraging me. For understanding my creative drive and allowing me to be a part of your own creative world as well. Your stories blow me away. I can’t wait for the world to read them. I am amazed every day by your strength, your love, and your own personal journey. You were the very best gift that ever entered my world. I love you.
To my husband, who I adore more than words, thank you for being the model for many of Lonnie’s mood-lightening comments and for giving me the best idea ever for the epilogue to this series. Those words were inspired by you. Thank you for being the person to take me from my moments of seriousness and self-doubt to laughter. I am so lucky to have you as my partner in this crazy thing called life. I love our life together. I love you.
Thank you to my big sister who wouldn’t let me quit on this publishing gig, for always being my first alpha reader, and for telling me when I’m being stupid. Sometimes, you just need that slap from a sibling to get you back on track.
Thank you to my parents who have been incredibly proud and supportive of this journey as well. To my mom, for loving all my words even when they were oh so bad when I was a teenager. And to my dad, for reading all my words even when they were another romance novel instead of a shoot ‘em up western.
Thank you to Megan Keith at Designed With Grace cover designs for not only my beautiful covers, but understanding the creative need in all of us. For reading my words and sharing them with the world when that wasn’t part of your job. For helping me find just what I needed to showcase the series to the world perfectly. I’m blessed to have found you.
To Jenn at Jenn Lockwood Editing Services, you’ve been a new and unexpected friend and partner in my creative process. I never thought I could find someone who had enough heart to help me find my voice the way I needed it. Thank you.