by Michael Fry
“And guess who he blames for it all?” said Worm Boy.
“He blames me,” said the Smear.
“Exactly,” said Smelly Feet. “Dave and Bob can’t hold him off forever. You need to fix this before it blows up in all our faces.”
“Look, the life we have now isn’t perfect, but it works. And we like it,” said Worm Boy. “Who are you to take that away from us?” He pointed at me. “Or from him?”
The Smear looked at me. He looked sad. Not supervillain-gloomy sad. No. Heartsick sad. Sad-eyed-puppy sad.
“You’re right,” said the Smear. “I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I’ll stick to the script from now on. I’ll figure out what’s going on with Dr. Twisty Briefs and put a stop to it. No more funny business. Promise.”
It looked convincing. It sounded convincing. And it was convincing. I knew it in my bones. Sure, maybe he had thought about taking down the Truce, but not now.
Not with me around.
“No? What do you mean no?” cried Octavia.
“I can’t,” I said. “There’s too much at stake.”
It was the next day. We were back in Des Moines preparing for the big rematch with MegaMole.
Octavia cried, “There’s absolutely nothing at stake! None of this means anything. It’s all fake! I just want to switch places and have a little fun. You don’t want me to have fun! That’s it, isn’t it? You’re a black hole of fun. You’re where fun goes to die. You work for the fun police.”
I said, “Look, you don’t understand. I need to be backing the Smear tonight in case something goes wrong.”
“Wrong?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Start talking, Spoil.”
I sighed. Then told her everything.
“Wow. That’s a lot to take in,” said Octavia. “I had no idea.”
I said, “It’s big. And it’s serious. So we can’t let anything go wrong. The Smear is scripted to lose and that needs to happen.”
Octavia slowly nodded.
“So you get it?” I asked.
“I get it. It’s all perfectly clear.”
“Victor, I need your help,” yelled the Smear.
“I gotta go,” I said to Octavia. “Wish me luck tonight.”
“Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re going to need it.”
Okay. That was settled. Octavia could be a little hotheaded, but she could also be reasonable when she had to. I liked her. Not like like. Just regular like. She’s pretty cool. Not that girls can’t be cool. It’s just…
I’m going to stop now.
I walked over to the Smear. He was taking inventory of the mice. He pointed to one. “Leroy here bruised his tailbone. He’s sitting this battle out.”
While he tended to Leroy, the Smear remarked, “You and that girl are getting tight.”
“Nah,” I said. “We’re just friends.”
“Let me give you some advice. Hero-villain relationships are difficult. You’re always going to be the bad guy no matter what you do. Because, you know, you are the bad guy.”
“She’s pretty bad herself.”
“She’s twelve. She doesn’t know what she is. Be careful with that one.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sure. Careful.”
“Now go get your costume on. It’s almost showtime.”
I went to our trailer to change. Tonight was a big night. I was excited. And nervous. It seemed like everything was going according to plan as I opened the trailer door and discovered…
What was I supposed to do? Octavia had my costume. She was trying to be the Smear’s apprentice. She couldn’t be the Smear’s apprentice…
I had to stop her.
The announcer boomed, “And now the rematch you’ve been waiting for, the Smear versus MegaMole!”
“It’s starting!” I cried.
I ran out to the railroad yard and yelled, “Stop!”
But it was too late. The match had already begun.
Instead of the usual posturing and insults, they got right to the action. Actually, they didn’t. Octavia did.
I ran up to her. “Stop! Please stop!”
“Relax, dude,” said Octavia. “None of this is real. I’m just having a little fun. You should try it sometime.”
“You don’t understand! I told you what might happen.”
“Man, you’re gullible. I never believed that stuff for a second. Now help me help the Smear destroy MegaMole.”
“No! MegaMole has to win!” I yelled.
“No one HAS to do anything!” cried Octavia. “We get to decide!”
Dr. Deplorable was back! But this time was different. This time he made a personal appearance.
His forehead wiener dog tattoo flashed like a neon sign as he descended down a light escalator from his shark-cloud space plane.
I know. Just a tad over the top.
The Smear said, “Finished?”
Dr. Deplorable aimed his elbows at the Smear. “Eliminated, erased, excised, whichever you prefer.”
“Why is he pointing his elbows at us?” I asked.
The Smear whispered, “Elbow laser catapults. Very nasty.”
“You again!” cried Norman, striding into the scene with his rock monsters in tow. “Are you dense? Were you dropped on your head as a baby? What part of ‘You’re not the authority here, I am!’ don’t you understand?”
“Yeah,” said rock monster Bob as he shook his rock fist at Dr. D.
“What he said,” added rock monster Dave, leaning in right next to him.
Last time it had been the rock monsters to the rescue. This time? Not so much.
Norman rushed up to Dr. Deplorable. “In the name of the Authority, I absolutely must insist you cease this instant. If you persist in these shenanigans, I’ll have no choice but to—”
Norman never finished his wordy threat. He was too busy flying across the railroad yard while contemplating his place in this particular moment in time and space.
Octavia had run away, so now it was just Dr. Deplorable, the Smear, and me.
This was a moment. A moment where you just had to go for it. No matter how silly, no matter how dangerous. You just went. NOW!
I dived at Dr. Deplorable.
I ran for cover behind the Smear.
“What are you doing?” yelled the Smear. “You could’ve been hurt!”
“But it worked,” I said.
The Smear pointed at Dr. Deplorable. “For about fifteen seconds!”
Dr. D. turned his attention (and his elbow laser catapults) back to us. “It’s over,” he hissed.
He had us. There was no way out. There was only one thing standing in the way between us and oblivion: another monologue.
“Smear, you’re going down!” began Dr. Deplorable. “You are the only thing standing in the way of me taking out Mr. Awesome. And now that you’ve shared my secret, I’m taking out your puny partner, too!”
“Seriously?” I said. “I still can’t believe tickling is your secret weakness.”
“A common fear brought on by a singular childhood trauma,” explained Dr. Deplorable.
The Smear whispered, “His dad forgot to put the top up in the car wash and left him inside the car alone.”
“Hold it,” I said to Dr. Deplorable. “What about the Purge? If you destroy the Truce, what’s to stop the Authority from sending us all into space, including you?”
Dr. Deplorable smiled. “With Mr. Awesome out of the way and those stone losers gone, the Authority has no muscle. There’ll be nothing to stop me from TAKING OVER THE WORLD!”
“Yeah, that’s another thing. You guys are always wanting to take over the world. What exactly are you going to do with it once you have it?”
“Um… I’ll be in charge and everyone will have to do what I say and… and…
I stared at Dr. Deplorable. “You’re insane! You’ll never succeed. The entire superuniverse won’t rest until you’re defeated!”
&nb
sp; The Smear glanced at me approvingly. “Nice. You’re learning.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“ENOUGH!” boomed Dr. D. as he pointed his elbow laser catapults at us and lifted us up into the air.
Dr. Deplorable lowered us to the ground. The Smear turned to me. He looked super sad. More sad than at the peer mediation. Like if sadness were some sort of superpower. The sadness shot out of him like frowny lasers in all directions.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
Then, very softly, he said, “You.”
The Smear took a deep breath. His eyes narrowed. His face changed as he went FULL SUPERVILLAIN!
The Smear grabbed me. “You! This is all your fault! You and that stupid girl!”
“Wait. What?” I said.
“You’re nothing to me now!” yelled the Smear. “You never were anything to me! I don’t know why I took you on. I guess I felt sorry for you! You’re the one who should be destroyed!”
He stood over me as I cowered in his massive shadow.
I whispered, “But… but… we’ve got each other’s backs. We’re… we’re friends.”
“You were never my friend. I just used you.”
I started to cry. “No, that’s not true.”
“I needed you to trust me, trust me so completely that when I revealed how I really felt about you, I could finally complete my soul stain with…
“It was… it was all a lie?” I whimpered.
“Of course it was a lie,” said the Smear as he finished collecting my tears. “That’s what I do. I’m a supervillain.”
“Not for long,” said Dr. Deplorable. “And I mean both of you.”
The Smear turned to Dr. Deplorable. “The kid’s hardly a threat. Besides, he’s served his purpose. And his purpose was to provide me with THIS!” He held up the tiny vial.
“Tears of true sorrow?” asked Dr. D. “Dude, that’s still seriously lame.”
The Smear said, “Not when they can be used to make a superstain that can stain a man’s soul and render him helpless for all eternity!”
“You know, even when we worked together back in the day, I thought the whole superstain was pretty bogus,” said Dr. Deplorable.
“Don’t you see? These tears will destroy Mr. Awesome,” said the Smear. “He’ll be left with nothing. He’ll be nothing!”
“What about his sock-making skills?” asked Dr. Deplorable.
“Well, you never lose that,” conceded the Smear.
Dr. Deplorable stared at the Smear for a few seconds. He clearly thought this was all ridiculous, but then…
“How does it work?” he asked.
The Smear said, “Two drops on his stupid supersuit and his supersoul is stained. He instantly shrivels up into a civilian with zero superpowers. Never to be awesome again.”
Dr. D. grabbed the vial from the Smear. “I don’t need you. I can just soul-stain him myself.”
“No, you can’t. Those are just tears. You need the whole stain. I’m the only one who can make it.”
“How do I know it’ll work?”
“It’ll work better than your elbow laser pointers. Look, I hate Awesome Boy as much as you. And besides, if I fail, you’ll end me.”
Dr. Deplorable smirked. “True that.”
They stared at each other for a beat. Dr. D. was actually considering this.
“Okay. I’ll bite,” said Dr. Deplorable. “But if you’re punking me, you’re going to regret it. Let’s blow this Popsicle stand and get to work.”
My mind was reeling. None of this made any sense. Up was down. Black was white. Boxer briefs were brief boxers!
“You can’t do this!” I cried. “It’s not who you are. I know you. You wouldn’t do this.”
The Smear sneered. “You don’t know me. You never did. Now run along back to your mommy and daddy, little boy. You’ve served me well. I release you from your service.”
Dr. Deplorable’s light escalator appeared. The Smear stepped on, and the two of them (and the mice) glided up to the waiting shark-cloud space plane.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The Smear had betrayed me. For some stupid stain. I’d thought he cared about me. I’d thought he liked me. I’d thought we were friends. How could I have been so stupid?
I felt terrible.
I felt alone.
Absolutely alone.
No one cared about me.
Wait.
Maybe someone still did.
“Mom? Dad? Are you there?” I said into my phone.
“Yes, Victor,” said my dad. But not on the phone. His voice was coming from behind me.
I turned around to see my parents standing there. “Wait. Have you been here the whole time?”
My mom pointed to the coat around her shoulders. “Cloak of invisibility.”
“It’s really more of a poncho,” said Dad. “We got it on sBay.”
“If you were here the whole time, why didn’t you do something?”
“We were respecting your need for independence,” said Dad.
“Also, Dr. Deplorable is super scary,” said Mom.
“It wouldn’t have made any difference anyway,” I said. “I was an idiot for believing in the Smear. For thinking he cared about me. Or anyone.”
“We’re sorry it didn’t work out, son,” said Dad. “We thought the Smear was the right wrong guy for you to look down to. Boy, were we wrong.”
Mom put her hands out. “Here, let me give you a hug. I’ve been practicing.”
“Better?” asked Mom.
“You’re getting there,” I said. “I’m glad you’re here. I’m sorry I told you to get lost, I just…”
“You wanted to do this on your own. And you did,” said Dad.
“We saw the whole thing,” piped up Mom.
I nodded. “I tried my worst.”
“That’s all we can ask,” said Dad.
I smiled (without cramping). “I appreciate the effort.”
“Octavia!” yelled a woman’s voice behind us.
We turned and saw Octavia’s parents running toward us.
“Have you seen her?” asked Mrs. Sparkle.
Mr. Sparkle panted, “We can’t find her anywhere.”
“I saw her run off when Dr. Deplorable arrived,” I said. “She wasn’t hurt. She was grinning from ear to ear as she watched Dr. D. Wait, you don’t think…”
“She would never,” said Mom.
“She wouldn’t dare!” added Dad.
Mr. Sparkle said, “I’m confused.”
I wasn’t. Octavia had taken off with Dr. Deplorable and the Smear. That was what she’d wanted all along. To become a supervillain’s apprentice.
“NOOOOOO!” cried Octavia’s mom.
“She would never do that!” said Mr. Sparkle. “She’s a good girl!”
I said. “Octavia? This is your daughter we’re talking about, right?”
“She just has issues. You know, acting out. Being contrary,” said Mrs. Sparkle.
I rolled my eyes. If I’d learned one thing over the last few days, it was that good and bad were meaningless and superficial. The Smear had seemed good but turned out bad. Dr. Deplorable had seemed bad but turned out worse. And Octavia? She wasn’t bad. She was just bored.
And now she was in danger.
I said, “She must have slipped up Dr. Deplorable’s light escalator when no one was looking.”
“That was one sweet light escalator,” said my dad.
“Can you just order that online?” asked Mr. Sparkle.
Dad said, “No. That looks like custom work to me.”
“Hello!” I yelled. “We’re getting off topic!”
“What is the topic again?” asked Mom.
I sighed. “Octavia? Dr. Deplorable and the Smear’s evil plot to bring down Mr. Awesome and the Authority and take over the world?”
“Oh, right,” said Mom.
Silence. Finally.
“We should call the Authority,” said Mr. Sparkle.
I shook my head. “No. Without the rock monsters, the Authority is just Norman shaking his finger and frowning a lot.”
“Okay,” said Mrs. Sparkle. “What do we do?”
I said, “We all work together to find Octavia and stop Dr. Deplorable and the Smear!”
“We can’t work together,” said Mom.
“We’re mortal enemies. No offense,” said Mrs. Sparkle.
Mom said, “None taken.”
“You’re FAKE mortal enemies!” I screamed. “It’s not real! None of this is real! Except for Octavia getting hurt and Dr. D. taking over the world! That part is VERY, VERY real!”
More silence. Then…
“Can we take separate space planes?” asked Mrs. Sparkle.
“Sure,” I said.
“Will we have to share meals?” asked my mom.
Mrs. Sparkle cried, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s just that Mr. Spoil here is on a low-carb diet, and I know how you people like your sweets. You know, goody-goody, sugar and spice, nothing naughty, everything nice.”
“That’s a filthy stereotype!” said Mrs. Sparkle. “Sure, we like the occasional tiramisu, though it can make Mr. Sparkle gassy.”
What is it with superadults? I swear they age backward. They start out wise and slowly lose the ability to tie their shoes.
I said, “Okay, are we good now? Everyone on the same page about rescuing Octavia and saving our superfuture?”
Everyone nodded.
“Where do we start?” asked Mr. Sparkle.