by Janice Olson
“You had no right.” She snatched the baby bracelet from his fingers.
“Billy Jo. I didn’t—”
“I thought better of you. I trusted you.” BJ turned on her heels and stormed back into the house, not giving him a chance to explain. Jason watched her stiff retreat, wishing he could recall the last few minutes and do them differently.
Chapter 57
BJ threw the journal on her desk, the baby ID remained in her hand. Would this horrible day never end? What more could happen?
Jason was the last one on this earth she wanted to find out about Madelyne. And now he knew. What did he think? Did she care? Yes!
Saying he’d just picked up the book—sure, likely story. But if it had been her could she have resisted taking just a peek? He probably couldn’t either.
Angry at herself for forgetting the journal, angry at him for snooping into her private affairs, angry that her world was spiraling out of her control, BJ stomped her foot then felt like a foolish child throwing a tantrum. What difference did it make? He may already know more about her than she did herself.
Her tantrum was cut off by the short zzziitt-zzziitt, zzziitt- zzziitt, zzziitt-zzziitt, and the vibration that caused her BlackBerry to dance on the desk. She grabbed her phone and read the email.
Next time it won’t be a flwrpot. Maybe u or cowboy. Leave Serenity.
BJ looked again to make sure she had read the email correctly. She had. The threat was real. No mistake about it. She was the one marked for the shot. And Jason was in danger because of her. But who? Doggett? He’d warned her to leave. But surely he wouldn’t be that foolish.
Fury raged. How dare someone think they could run her out of town … again.
Hearing a noise, BJ looked up. Jason stood outside her open office door—clean shirt, caution in his cerulean blue eyes. In his hands were two frosty tumblers of tea. Her heart lurched, or at least that’s how it felt, and for a moment she forgot to be angry with him.
“I brought you some iced tea.” He held out one of the glasses.
Hesitant, she wondered if this was his idea of a peace offering—he wouldn’t be getting off that easy. Not wanting to look petty and mean-spirited, she took the glass from him. Their fingers brushed and the sensation of even that minor touch went straight through her. She was in serious, deep trouble.
“We need to talk.”
She didn’t move or speak, just stared at him.
“May I come in, please?”
He didn’t try to push his way through, she’d give him that much. He was being respectful of her privacy. But it still stung that he knew the truth of her birth. Instead of moving or offering to let him pass, she blocked the way and slung back, “Frankly, I don’t see what there is to say. You have about as much information as I do. Or do you know something I don’t?”
“I’m sorry. I can’t help that I saw the name. I have a sharp eye and read quickly. All I did was look down.”
“Yeah.”
“Look.” He brushed his free hand through his hair. “I couldn’t help it. There it was. I had no idea—”
“No idea that you were related to me?”
“Strictly by marriage, BJ, not by blood.”
She hitched one brow. “Well then. There you have it. Your aunt and my biological mother, because that’s what she is to me, is one and the same. The very person that left me on the orphanage steps to be raised by her paid staff. What do you have to say to that?” BJ planted her free hand on her hip. The tickling sound of the ice against glass caused her to steady the tumbler. Temper rising, she wanted to do bodily harm to someone, but the object of her anger wasn’t Jason. That person was beyond her reach.
“Please, may I come in? I’d rather not discuss this standing in the hall.”
She wanted to say no, slam the door in his face, even scream, but did neither. Having this conversation was not on her high priority list of things to do. Yet she swept her hand in the general direction of the sitting area. “By all means, come in. Have a seat.”
By the roll of his eyes, she knew her sarcasm hadn’t been lost on him.
Jason chose the couch. He rested his ankle on his knee, his arm stretched across the back of the couch. By his nonchalant manner there was no way to tell if he was here to find out more of the saga of Billy Jo Spencer … Loveless, or whatever BJ’s name really was.
Well, he’s about to get an earful.
BJ shut the door, picked the chair opposite of him, then waited as his eyes roamed over her office.
Realizing he’d never been in her office before, she figured she’d allow him to assuage his curiosity. She took the few extra moments to sip her tea, hoping to cool her temper. But it didn’t help. She slipped her glass onto one of the coasters.
Jason picked up the one by him. He looked at her photograph of the painted Texas sunset transferred onto the top of the coaster. Smiling, he set it down and slid his glass on top.
“Yours?”
“Yes.”
“Nice.”
“You’re not here for trivial shop talk. Now what was so all-fired important that you had to bust in here?” Her harpish tone was uncalled for. Lashing out at Jason wouldn’t accomplish anything. He wasn’t the one responsible for her mood. He could have just as easily been shot instead of her, though the bullet was meant for her. But her foul mood didn’t go away.
“I’m sorry.” He watched her closely
“That’s it? I’m sorry. For what? Your aunt messing up my life? For me being raised in an orphanage?”
“BJ, I—”
“Being shot? Someone wanting me dead? What, Jason? What exactly are you sorry for? For prying into my private affairs. For—”
“Billy Jo, stop!” He dropped his foot to the floor, leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, his look troubled. “You can’t shift the blame for Madelyne onto me. Oh, you can if you want to, but you and I both know I had nothing to do with her decisions.” He held out a hand in supplication. “Maybe the shooting—I could be responsible for that. I don’t know.” He folded his hands together looking into her eyes. “I honestly don’t know if they were after me or you.”
She wanted to continue to scream at him, but surprise took over. Did he know the shot was a warning to her to leave town? How could he?
“I do know who the shot was meant for. Me.” She grabbed her cell phone, punched a key before she shoved it under Jason’s nose. “He’s after me. Not you. Me. And Jason, you would have been killed.”
“What? When did you get this?” His eyelids lowered, half concealing his dark, menacing look.
“After I left you on the terrace. For all I know. You could have sent the message.” BJ knew better. She watched Jason’s face tighten and wished she could recall her words. Why was she lashing out at Jason?
He shot up from the couch thunderous. “Do you really have such a low opinion of me that you would suspect me of sending such a message?”
“No!” BJ stood and grabbed his arm.
He shrugged out of her grasp.
“Jason, I don’t know why I said that. Forgive me. I know you’re not capable of doing such a thing.” She tried again to touch his arm, her eyes pleading, this time he allowed her to. “I was hurting and wanted to hurt someone. You were in my path. I’m so sorry.” His close proximity was too much. Dropping her hand, she meant to move back, but he grasped both her arms.
“Look, Billy Jo—” His eyes searched hers. “—I wish there was something I could do to make this better. Make it all go away. But I can’t. There’s nothing I can do to change the past.”
“I know. And I don’t expect you to. The one I’d really like to lash out at is Madelyne.” BJ gave a humorless laugh. “But there’s no going there.”
“I recognize you’re hurt and I wish there were something I could do. But I can’t,” he repeated. He held out his arms. “Come here.”
“Jason, I—”
“Shhh. For once don’t think. You’ve done enough
of that for the both of us. Just come here. Let me hold you, please.”
His face showed nothing but compassion and something else she didn’t try to examine. She didn’t hesitate or have to ask herself if this was right. She rushed into his warm, open embrace. She could hear his heart beat, breathed in his scent, and felt safe as he held her close without a word.
They stood there, neither moving, just fused together as one. BJ could no longer hold back the tears. Tears for years of regret, misplaced trust, lost love, for cruelties, a parent that for some reason didn’t love or want her.
Silent, Jason gently held her as she cried. She pulled back and gazed up into his face. “Jace, I’m so sorry for the hateful things I said.”
Again he placed a finger over her lips. “All is forgiven. Even the past.”
“Oh, Jason, I wish it were.”
She knew what was coming long before his lips touch hers. His head lowered tentatively, his eyes asking the question, allowing her time to back out if she wished. She didn’t. Instead she raised her lips in anticipation and fear, hoping it was the right thing to do. But she couldn’t have resisted him if she wanted to—and she didn’t.
When their lips met, she wasn’t prepared for all the old memories rushing. The realization of lost time, the haunting of what could have been hers all along overwhelmed her. The kiss, soft, sweet, and undemanding, held the promise of love, not what they had as teens, but a mature lasting love. And for a moment she dreamed of the possibility. They could be one.
When he pulled away, the loss was unbearable. His fingers touched her checks, wiping away the remnants of her tears earlier.
God, thank you for giving me a second chance—if this is what it is.
Chapter 58
Jason had all he could to keep from hauling her back in his arms. He wanted to kiss her over and over again until she agreed to forget about the past and marry him. But he knew she was too fragile and it would be wrong to make such a move or demand upon her so soon. They would have to work together to build trust.
He didn’t want to rush this newfound love. Pulling his emotions in check, which was one of the hardest things he’d done in some time, he stepped back, remembering the bleakness his life had been without her.
“BJ.” Her chin was lowered, her eyes hidden. Jason knew he would have to tread softly if he didn’t want to lose this tenuous hold on love at the brink of discovery. He placed his knuckle under her chin, lifting gently until her eyes meet his. “Come.” He gave a small tug of her hand. “Sit with me on the coach.”
He witnessed the hesitation, gave her a grin, then held up his free hand. “I won’t bite, I promise. In fact, you don’t even have to sit next to me unless you want to. I just want to talk, listen to you, get to know you all over again, and when you’re ready you can tell me what’s troubling you. I’m a good listener and anything you say to me will stay in this room and here.” He tapped his chest over his heart. “No further.”
A myriad of emotions flittered across her face. But when he gave another tug on her hand, she followed him to the sofa. He sat down and she chose to sit with enough room to pull her legs under her, turning to face him. But he received another surge of hope when she didn’t take her hand out of his.
“Shall I begin? Or you?” Seeing her uncertainty, “Me, I guess.
“First off, I don’t need to know why you left town. It’s no longer important to me. I just know you’re here, whether by design purpose or Aunt Maddy’s meddling, I don’t care.” He witnessed the disgust at the mention of the name. “All that matters to me at this moment is you, that we are here together, and we have a second chance if you want it … I know I do.”
She nodded.
Her hand rested between his palms. He rubbed his fingers over the back of her smooth skin, so in contrast to his rough hands. And to think, from the moment he knew she was coming to town he had worked overtime determined to resist falling for her again. Humph! All that wasted time.
“Billy Jo, I want to tell you about my wife. I don’t want any hidden secrets between us.” He didn’t know if she was curious or not. But her gaze prompted him to continue. “Lindsey and I met in college. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I fell for her on the rebound from you.”
“Jason, I’m—”
He shook his head looking down at their intertwined fingers. “No, let me finish. You need to know this. The rottenness of my life.
“I think I loved her, but at this point, I can’t really be sure. We were married straight out of college. My plans were to come back and make a go of my father’s ranching business. To strengthen the cattle portion of my holdings with blooded longhorns and Hereford stock. At first, Lindsey seemed happy with the plan but too soon she became weary of country life, as she put it. Probably my fault entirely—her being a big city girl and me plain ol’ country.” He gave a shake of his head, the sadness of his first marriage and the part he played weighed heavy on his mind.
“Anyway, whether my lack of attention with working from sunup to sundown, or just not showing her love, I don’t know. Lindsey started taking trips to Austin, then to San Antonio. Gone a good share of the time.”
Jason’s free hand kneaded the tight muscles at the back of his neck, his mind conjuring up the black moments. “Anyway, by accident or whatever, Lindsey got pregnant but she didn’t want the child. I did my best to reason with her. Have the child, leave after the birth if she wanted to, and I’d take care of everything. Even told her I wouldn’t blame her for leaving me and our son behind.” He had to clear the knot in his throat before he could continue. “By this time we knew it was a boy. And I thought I had convinced her.” He shook his head. The horror of their last fight was as fresh in his mind as though it had just happened.
“I came in early one night, found Lindsey in the throes of shoving suitcases in the back of her BMW. Said she never did love me. That I was incapable of loving her, which was probably true. She’d found some man, an attorney in San Antonio, and was moving in with him. The child, well …”
Jason did his best to cover the hurt, but by BJ’s look, he knew all the raw emotions were evident.
“You don’t have to say anything more.” She squeezed his hand.
“No. I have to. You need to know so you can decide if you want to love me.”
“Jace.”
He ignored her plea. “The night Lindsey left, we had heated words. One thing led to another, but before she sped away from the ranch house, she yelled she wasn’t even sure the kid was mine. But I knew he was mine. I threatened her.” When he saw the question on BJ’s face. “Oh, not with bodily harm, but I told her I’d make her life miserable. But I never got the chance.”
He’d never told this to anyone before and the telling was harder than he had ever imagined, but he wanted to be honest with BJ. She needed to know the part he played in Lindsey’s death.
His gut twisted at the memory. Even after five years the pictures were as vivid as yesterday. The mangled car, the glaring red taillights, and the pool of blood making the blacktop glisten and appear blacker on the dark deserted road. Calling 911, prying the overturned BMW door open, cutting the seat belt away, pulling Lindsey’s cut and battered body from the driver’s seat … all of it gave him nightmares for months afterward and remorse that ate at him for years.
“I’ll never forgive myself for not trying harder with Lindsey. I’m ashamed about the part I played in the dissolution of our marriage and ultimately the loss of Lindsey and our son.”
BJ’s hand slipped from his, cupping his cheek and jaw line. With her simple gesture, he recognized she didn’t condemn him, causing his heart to swell with hope. Her simple touch did more to heal him than all the years of blame he’d heaped upon himself, and for the moment enabled him to purge the ugly pictures from his mind.
“Jason. We’ve all done things in our past that will haunt us and that we’ll always regret. And we’ll probably continue to make stupid mistakes, but we can’t be responsible
for the choices others make. Lindsey made her own decision. You may have had a hand in the making, but ultimately it was hers, not yours.”
He moved her fingers from his cheek to his lips planting gentle kisses on her fingertips, then lowered her hand cradling it in his lap. “I know you’re right. But it doesn’t negate my part.”
BJ couldn’t help thinking about Madelyne. “Over the years I’ve had plenty of what ifs and regrets in my life. They’re a waste of time. We both need to move on and forget the past.” Her smile displayed years of heartache, but also promise.
Jason shifted slightly. “And you? Can you move on?”
Unease flittered across her face. She hesitated and for a moment, Jason thought she wasn’t going to reply.
“I want to try.”
Jason saw a spark of hope along with the sadness lurking in the depths of her eyes.
“As you know, I found out today that Madelyne was my biological mother. Why she placed me at Heritage House, or who my father was, is anyone’s guess.” BJ motioned toward the journal. “I hope by the time I’m finished with that, I’ll know the answer to both.”
“Is it important?” He regretted the question as soon as it was asked.
“Yes.” A well of hurt was wrapped up in that one word.
“I’m sorry, BJ. Of course, it’s important. Never having done without a mother and father I tend to forget that you had neither and didn’t know what it was like. Maddy left you her money and property, maybe she was trying to make amends.”
Looking down at her clasped hands, BJ shook her head releasing a humorless laugh. “Oh, she did that all right.” Her lips curled into a bitter smile. “She forced me to live in her home or receive nothing. She knew or at least guessed I wouldn’t allow the orphanage to close, so she tied the home and everything else, including you, into the nice little package of love she left behind.” She looked up. “What kind of compassionless woman did I come from? At the moment, she disgusts me.”
Not knowing what to say to ease her hurt, Jason laid his arm on the back of the sofa. His hands moved beneath the soft golden strands spilling over BJ’s shoulders. He gently and methodically rubbed her shoulder, doing his best to infuse what little comfort he could offer.