by Unknown
“I’m having a good time, too,” he says before he looks away. I rest my head against his shoulder and look out over the sea of kids. Bea: in a red mermaid dress dancing with Derrick; Byron: dancing with Stacey; Amanda: sitting at a table with Deacon, both looking bored with their arms crossed. Then I stiffen as my eyes catch beautiful green eyes staring at me. Henry leans against the bleachers. Melanie Harris stands close to him whispering into his ear, but he’s looking at me. He looks bored too, but he hasn’t mastered that disconnected look like Chase. I feel a blush creep up my neck and look down. “Are you OK?” Chase asks, gripping me tighter to him, his protective mode on high alert. I pull my eyes away from Henry and look up at Chase a moment.
“I’m fine, just thirsty,” I finally say as I lead him off of the dance floor while an R&B song mixes into the slow song. We go toward the refreshment table, on the other side of the gym from where Henry stands, and I fix us each a punch. Tasha and Paul make their way across the dance floor toward us too.
“I wish I had my camera,” Jade says distractedly as three sophomore boys try to rehang a banner that has gone crooked. We giggle at their misfortune at having that task.
“Ladies,” Tasha announces when she reaches us, “to the room.” We giggle again because we both know Tasha wants to dish about Paul in the restroom. She grabs our hands and drags us behind her before we can even answer, but we throw Chase and Evan apologetic looks.
In the restroom Jade goes to the mirror and begins reapplying her red lipstick, and I check my hair, while Tasha covers her heart and lets out a deep breath.
“He took me to St. Elmo’s in a stretch Hummer, just for us. Then we walked around downtown and the canal for an hour. It was so beautiful. He kept asking random people to take pictures of us, so we have all these great pictures. I think I love him,” Tasha announces as she finally comes to the vanity and begins touching up her make-up. I put on more lip gloss and smile at her. I knew he would sweep her off her feet.
“You deserve it.” Jade grins, and Tasha looks at her with surprise.
“Did you see his suit, He did that for me too. He didn’t want to wear it, but I think he looks great. Jade, you and Evan look amazing.” She directs her sincere eyes to Jade. Pleased, Jade smiles. “Lacey, you and Chase, wow, you could be a real power couple. You should have seen everybody pause when your picture flashed across the screens.” I’m sure my eyes are bugging out at her because both she and Jade begin to laugh.
“You know we’re still just friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be,” I say firmly.
“We know.” Jade rolls her eyes at Tasha. Then they both erupt into a louder cackle giggle fit. I return the eye roll and stomp out of the bathroom, annoyed with my friends. I almost slam into Henry.
“Watch it,” I demand as I push past him, not at all in the mood for his attitude.
“Whatever.” His only response, ever, to me. I’d like to shove that “whatever” down his throat sometimes, like now. I find Chase and drag him toward the dance floor. I’m annoyed, and he can tell immediately. He follows quietly. I’m annoyed because my friends think there’s more between Chase and me. He’s so important to me there can’t be anything more. If I ever lost him, I’m not sure I would survive it. I only survived last summer because of him. When you date someone, you inevitably always break up. I can’t even think about that. I’m annoyed that Henry is still punishing me, and I feel like it’s time to move on. I don’t understand why he’s still so hung up on what happened. I don’t know what else I could do. I’ve apologized; I’ve given him space; I’ve made it more than clear that I’m over him. I want to scream at him. A few songs play before another slow song begins. Then I hug Chase to me.
“What’s going on?” he whispers in my ear. His voice is husky, and I want the rest of the world to disappear right now. I want it to just be him and me like this forever. Maybe then I could allow there to be an us.
“Nothing, just Tasha and Jade being Tasha and Jade,” I sigh. “Do you want to get out of here?” I ask, not feeling the dance anymore, especially as long as Henry is here mean-mugging me. He drops his hands and leads me out of the gym. We get to the car, and he puts the top down again. I climb in, and he shuts the door behind me. He pulls out, drives through town to County Road 600, and then heads toward the city. I know where he’s going. He’s going to our spot in the woods. I lay my head back and watch the stars float overhead. Finally, we arrive at the yellow gate. He turns the car off but leaves on the lights and radio that begins playing “Shelter” by Birdy. He looks at me, without saying a word as he gets out of the car, jogs around to my door, and opens it. He takes off his jacket, lays it across the back of the car, leads me to in front of the headlights, and silently holds his hand out to me. I take it, and he pulls me to him. I lay my head against his chest as he rocks us back and forth, his hands on my hips. We don’t speak as the song engulfs us, circling us, becoming a part of us. He begins singing along softly and something happens in my heart. I realize, terrified, that it aches for him, desires to freeze this moment, and never let him go. He pulls away from me slightly, and this suddenly feels familiar. He looks at me, and my breath catches. He brushes his thumb along my cheek to my jaw. I can’t take my eyes off his. I plead with mine silently, but I’m not sure what I’m pleading for, for him to kiss me, or for him not to. I just don’t want anything to change. I feel my eyes get glassy, and I will them to clear up. His hand cups my face; his other hand presses the small of my back. With his eyes locked onto mine, he leans into me and kisses me. And I ache deeper because I love his kiss, his lips, his sweet breath that tastes and smells like wintergreen though he’s not chewing any gum. My hands cup his face before my fingers gravitate to his hair. As our kiss deepens, his strong arms hold me so close like he’s afraid to let me go. I don’t want him to either so I cling to him, too. My head begins to feel foggy as my heart races against him. Before I know it, we are pressed against the hood between the head lights. He presses me down and kisses me desperately. I let him because I’m desperate for him too. This is my sanctuary; he is my sanctuary. His hand touches my bare thigh pushing up my skirt, and I realize that we’ve gone too far. This is too much; I can’t do this with him. I can’t be this for him. I push his hand away taking him by surprise, and he leans away from me slightly, giving me the advantage, and I push him the rest of the way.
“I can’t Chase. I, just, can’t,” I say, my voice and hands both trembling.
“What did I do?” he asks, confused and, runs his hands through his hair as he stumbles backwards from me like I’ve shot him in the heart.
“Nothing, absolutely nothing, I just. . .” I trail off as I move to the passenger side of the car to put some distance between us because if I don’t, I’ll kiss him again.
“Henry . . . you’re still hung up on that asshole aren’t you?” He’s angry; I’ve never seen him this angry.
“No, you know that’s not true.” My voice rises.
“Do I? Because from where I sit, we fit, you and me, perfectly,” he says, beginning to pace.
“We do fit, as friends, Chase. I can’t lose you. I need you,” I say, watching him nervously.
“I’ve given you time. I told you how I felt last spring, and all summer, after school began, have I asked you to address it? No, I gave you space. You give me all these mixed signals, telling me I’m your best friend, but then we’re always together holding hands, and the way you look at me, I know you feel the same way.” My eyes are glassy again and a heavy tear drops down my cheek. He’s right; I give him mixed signals. I suddenly feel wretched because I feel safe holding him close enough to give me the security of his attention but not letting him in all the way because I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t want him to hurt me, like Henry did. I don’t want him to leave me, like Henry did even though my mind is screaming at me that he’s nothing like Henry. I shake my head as another tear streaks my cheek.
“I’m not ready. I can’t,” I say, looking
up into the trees as a wind rustles the leaves.
“Lacey, I don’t know how much longer I can. . . ,” he says looking straight at me. He’s standing in the middle of the lights, like he’s in a spotlight, exposing all of his raw emotions to me.
“Are you saying that if I don’t give you more,” I pause before I slowly finish, “that you are through with our friendship?” I’m full on shaking now, and the tears are streaming down my cheeks, but I don’t think he can see me that well because I’m in the dark. He takes a deep breath before he answers me after the longest moment of my life.
“I don’t know. Maybe. I need more,” he finally says slumping his shoulders and looking at the ground.
“Can you take me home?” I ask as I climb back into the passenger seat. He doesn’t answer me. He just gets into the car and backs out to the turn around.
Lana
I’m sitting on the roof outside of my window. Don’t worry. I’m not smoking because I’ve really kicked the habit this time. This morning Tomas dropped me off down the block at my request. I wasn’t sure which, if not both, parents would be home when I got there, and I didn’t want any questions. He surprised me with my outfit folded and freshly laundered at the foot of the bed when I woke up at ten a.m. I hadn’t realized how little sleep I’d been getting until I had a good night’s sleep. We spent the day texting and talking, and in between I ignored texts from Britt. I shouldn’t have gone to that party. It is almost midnight now, and I’m using the calm cool night to reflect on my time with Tomas. Once I let myself go with him, it was weird how much I actually shared. I talked a lot about who I used to be, and he laughed about how I am now compared to then. He had plans tonight, not telling me what, but I don’t have to know every single thing he does even though I want to. We’re just getting to know each other. He promised to text when he gets home, so for now, this is the only place I can avoid my parents, who are downstairs pretending like they like each other. I see the underlying tension in every move my mom makes though, and I hear the hairline tinge of stress in my dad’s voice when he calls her “sweetie.”
I hear the rumble of the engine before I see the black classic car pull up along the street in front of the house. I remain still, feeling very ninja. I am just a roof shingle; they do not see me; I am just a shingle. Chase turns the car off and turns himself so that he can look at Lacey head on. She just looks straight ahead.
“This isn’t the way I wanted this night to end,” he says.
“Then you shouldn’t have kissed me.” Lacey looks at him and by his stiffening, I imagine it’s not a pleasant look, a feat which Lacey rarely accomplishes.
“You kissed me too, you know I’m right—don’t cry.” He touches her cheek, but she pulls away.
“How can I not cry? You basically just told me all or nothing. I can’t give you what you need because I’m not ready. And you’re right; it’s not fair to you that I give you mixed signals. It was never my intention. I would do anything not to hurt you, Chase.” She opens the door and steps out. I’m surprised she manages to look as graceful as she does. She turns to him as she shuts the door. “So I guess it’s nothing because I don’t have anything else,” Lacey says in a shaky breath as she puts her head in her hands a moment before she turns to walk up to the porch. Chase, however, climbs across the seat and leaps over the closed door. He grabs her arm and pulls her backwards to him, spinning her at the same time, only to catch her and hold her in a tight embrace.
“I can’t have nothing. It’s OK. I take back everything I said. I just need you, any part of you.” He’s desperate and sounds kind of scared. He kisses the top of her head, and she wraps her arms around his waist. “It’s OK; I’m sorry,” he soothes as she cries against his chest. After they stand like that for a long moment, he walks her up the steps to the front door. I hear mumbles of goodbyes, and the door opens and closes. When Chase reaches the bottom of the porch, he looks again at the front door before he trudges to the car and pulls away.
I climb into my room through my window and shut it. Removing my chair from the door first, I then stretch out across my bed. That was another private moment that I wasn’t supposed to witness. I’m getting good at this stealth thing, but I don’t think that’s very good.
I really like having a boyfriend at school. Well, he hasn’t officially asked me to go with him, but we did have that awesome make-out session on Friday and talked all weekend long. This morning he meets me at my locker and walks me to my first class. We hold hands, and it’s really hard to say goodbye. Macy smiles and waves at me as she passes us, but pretty much everyone else gawks at us. Yes, fellow freshmen, it is possible to have a life after your reputation is ruined. At lunch Britt corners me, grabs my hand, and drags me to the bathroom where we met.
“What is going on with you, Lana?” she screeches as she struggles to open the old window. Once it’s open, she jumps up on the ledge and begins digging though her hobo stealing bag and finally lights up.
“I could say the same thing to you. First, you drag me to that stupid party, B. You lied to me that Todd was going to be there. Then you went off into the woods to get high, leaving me alone to face angry seniors because I crashed their party. Not cool, Britt.” I cross my arms and glare at her as she returns the favor.
“You really messed up with Todd. He’s so mad at you right now,” she finally says haughtily.
“I don’t like him. I’ve told you that repeatedly. Besides I’m with Tomas now.” I shrug and lean against the wall, glad my initial assault is over and I have voiced my frustration.
“I can’t believe you! Why? When you can have Todd?” She says it like Tomas is the one who’s ugly and creepy.
“We can’t help who we fall for, right?” I smirk. She just glares at me. “Well, I’m meeting Tomas for lunch. You’re welcome to join us.” Watching her, I reach for the door. By the expression on her face, she’s debating pretty heavily about whether or not to take me up on my offer. Finally, she jumps down, closes the window, and follows me out of the restroom.
I find him sitting at a table already eating when I enter the cafeteria. He looks up as if he has a sixth sense that I’m there. He gives me a bright smile as I approach. His smile waivers a little when he sees Britt, but only slightly.
“Britt, Tomas; Tomas, Britt,” I say waving my hand between them as I sit beside Tomas and spill my lunch out of its bag. He takes my hand under the table and squeezes it.
“So, Tomas, what are you into?” Britt asks, sitting down across from us just before she dramatically applies lip gloss and leaning on the table. I give her a look that says to chill; she gives me her duck face pout and looks back at him.
“This and that,” he says evasively, fidgeting in his seat. We sit in silence while Britt and Tomas have a mini stare-off. My master plan to bring my friends together seems to be blowing up in my face. I slump, and Tomas watches me out of the corner of his eye. “I play baseball and do typical stuff, comics, video games, anime movies,” he says looking at me though he’s talking to Britt.
“Not very typical, Tomas. What do you do for fun?” Britt asks pushing his and my buttons. She doesn’t care though, like she doesn’t care about most things. She takes my grapes from my bag and begins eating them. Tomas cuts his eyes to me, and I try to give him a reassuring look. He hasn’t been to her house, and he doesn’t understand how she has to hustle just to get the clothes that are on her back and the food her mom eats, though she’d probably have money for lunch if she didn’t buy cigarettes.
“Music, hanging with my friends, stuff like that.” Britt is bored and begins digging in her bag. I squeeze his hand, trying to encourage him, but I’m afraid it might be a lost cause.
Mom picks me up in front of school. I have a one-on-one appointment with Dr. Mase today. Even though I’ve been thinking I needed an emergency session, I didn’t tell my mom. I didn’t want to worry her with everything that is going on. We enter his posh, northeast side waiting room forty-five minutes later
, and I sit in his soft leather couch while my mom checks me in. She sits beside me and brings out her e-reader. After fifteen minutes, a middle-aged man comes out, and Dr. Mase calls me to come in. I rise and follow him to his equally posh office. I know the drill. I kick off my shoes and sit crisscross on his couch as he takes his chair beside me.
“So what’s new, Lana?” he asks as he begins to write on his notepad. One of these days I will see what he’s writing about me. My luck he’s drawing rocket ships and outer space scenes.
“A lot, actually. I got suspended, met a boy, and made up with an old friend,” I say, like it’s all positive.
“Whoa, whoa, back up. You were suspended?” He looks over his glasses at me. I take a deep breath, and I begin with telling him about Todd and Britt. Then I go into Amanda, and how she goaded me to almost kicking her butt. I tell him about the despair I’ve been feeling lately. He smiles when I tell him about Macy and Tomas. I don’t tell him about my dad because I’m not ready to tell anyone. We practice my breathing and centering exercises. Before I know it, my time is up. He smiles as he walks me out and tells me I’m doing well. Before he opens the door though, he looks at me sternly and says, “You know if you want to talk to me but don’t want to worry anyone, you can always call me. Anytime.” I nod. I have had his number in my phone since rehab. He told me the same thing when I left rehab. I didn’t believe him then. I believe him now. I didn’t understand then that he really does want what’s best for me. I do now.
Lacey
To say that things are stressed with Chase would be an understatement. The weeks that followed homecoming were tense. I decided in order to maintain our friendship, all physical contact was out. We kept a distance between us of at least a foot, always keeping that proximity. I was more aware of him than ever before. After a while, he stopped reaching for my hand because I always pulled away, and he only touched my elbow when I stumbled or lost my balance. He sulked and felt rebuffed. I don’t think he understood that I felt that way too. I missed the intimacy and security that he provided, that he insisted on, that I wanted to give him; I just couldn’t. Fear was my prison, and hurt was its warden. I’d never been in love, and I had wanted it so bad before; I had wanted to belong, and that had been taken away from me in one night. I felt that I belonged with Chase, but there was that constant ticking in the back of my head, telling me that time was running out for us. He got the message though, pulling away from me in other ways also. He didn’t come into the video store when I worked. And texting became minimal. He, however, was getting a crazy number of texts and phone calls during the time that we did spend together. He always ignored them, and I had a feeling it was because of me. I imagined Emily was attempting to keep him busy, maybe consoling him, and he just didn’t want me to know. My jealousy and frustration reared its ugly double head and kept me up late every night. During those tossing nights, I wrote out so many texts to him, venting my frustrations, confessing my fears, promising and wishing for more, but I never sent them. He seemed to be moving on, to the point that I rarely even saw him at our locker. His things remained and even switched out, but he avoided me mostly. Our Saturday nights seemed to become a chore to him, and he filled them with dark movie theaters, or concerts where we couldn’t hear each other, let alone talk to each other. I wanted him back. Even though he apologized that night, it was the last time he held me that close. By the time Halloween rolled around, he’d made plans to go to Columbus. I wasn’t invited. My only options were to spend the evening being a third wheel on the couch with Lana and Tomas as they planned a scream marathon or trade schedules with Vanessa so she could go to a frat party. I opted to work; at least I was making money. Everyone was happy in a relationship but me; I was abandoned. Tasha and Paul were inseparable; Jade and Evan grew closer and stronger. The only thing that made me unhappy about it was that everyone around me pulled away from me and turned to their significant others instead. I didn’t have anything in common with them anymore; they turned to each other, whispering relationship advice if I entered the room. I just wanted things to be normal; I wanted my best friends back. I missed Chase; my heart ached and longed for him.