Anyway, back to his sister...she’d gotten into a little bit of trouble, nothing major, but he acted like it was the end of the world if he didn’t step in and get involved. Kira got a little too drunk one night and some guy followed her home. It was in watching him save her from the jerk that I saw it. He wasn’t just her big brother; he was being a hero – needing to rescue her from some horny guy. Steel came to life, I saw it in him, his face, his demeanor; I swear his self-esteem was tied to it. He was this white knight chasing away the bad guy and was unstoppable.
Kira loved being saved; her big brother coming to her rescue was something she was used to. She thrived on it, and for another moment in time he got to feel larger than life. He was meeting this ideal image he had of himself, but when the crisis was over he was simply a normal guy from Seattle with a football contract in Pennsylvania. That should have been enough, getting pulled to the big leagues, a professional team wanted his abilities, but this wasn’t about his career, it was about his identity.
On seeing this, I was caught off guard. I guess those college classes on psychology taught me something after all – only I didn’t like what I saw, because it now had me questioning everything about our relationship. He didn’t fall in love with me because of who I am; he fell in love with me to fill a void within himself. He wanted to save me, fix me, make things better, because if he could be a hero he became who he wanted to be. Did he want me now that I was healed? Maybe it wasn’t love after all, but co-dependence. If he could make things right in my world, then he did his job which filled his need to be a white knight, letting him feel adequate.
If Steel was preoccupied with me, making me better, he had purpose – but what happened when I didn’t need him to prop me up anymore? What would fill that void - or worse yet, who? Would he grab hold of the next girl that needed to be saved and let me go in the process? It was overwhelming seeing our reality. This wasn’t what I signed up for – I fell in love with Steel for his strength and caring, but I wasn’t sure he was in love with me at all. He thought he was, but I feared it was something different.
His words about his sister cemented it for me, making things crystal clear.
“Kira’s not capable of taking care of herself, she needs me,” he started. “She wants my advice, and then she doesn’t take it. She should listen to me, I know what’s best. If she moved here, I’d be able to watch over her. She just doesn’t see that I know what she needs more than she does.”
Only Kira was more than capable of taking care of herself. The problem was with Steel. He felt safer when he was in control and people did what he said. In his head, he knew what was best for everyone.
I listened and saw a man that was struggling deep inside of himself, needing others to feed his self-esteem. Where had it come from, and more importantly what did it mean for us as a couple? I couldn’t pretend not to see it – I couldn’t go back and not know. The more I looked, the more I saw signs I’d overlooked. Steel Brickman was as much of a mess as I was inside. We just had different issues.
When I gently brought it to his attention he denied it all, saying I was ridiculous. “I’m not some weak man who has to blather on about his emotions, and whatever garbage you’re trying to shovel, I’m not interested in listening. You’ve got enough of your own problems. You need to figure out what you’re doing with your life now that you’ve graduated. You can’t work at that shitty bar forever...” and wow, was that an ugly conversation. It was the start of our undoing.
Control was our biggest struggle. When he was in control he felt sane. When I was in control I felt safe. Our worlds collided. He wanted to micro-manage what I did and how I did it. In his eyes, I floundered, not making the best choices. It was a weird place to be. When he was in control he was relaxed, happy, and grounded. When I lost control, I felt like some dizzy top that would tumble over and fall flat on my face. Could our worlds co-exist?
“I don’t have time for this nonsense,” he berated. “My career is on the line, and I can’t be worrying about you all the time.”
“Worrying about me? What have you got to worry about,” I argued. “I have a job, I can support myself, and I don’t need some guard watching over me.”
“Is that what you think of me, that I’m some babysitter? You can barely support yourself, and you haven’t even tried looking for a better job,” he went on.
“You treat me like I’m incapable of doing things on my own. I survived just fine before you came along,” I growled.
“Survived, what in a room over a bar with a bathroom down the hall? If that’s your means to survival, you’ve got pretty low standards.” His nostrils flared with frustration.
“I don’t need your money, and I didn’t ask you to rescue me,” I shot out, storming out of the room.
“You don’t know what the hell you need,” he followed behind me. “If it weren’t for me, you’d still be living in that hell hole of a room with drunks down the hall, and a bathroom riddled with disease.”
“Screw you,” I shot out.
Pinning me to the wall, he pulled my wrists up over my head and boxed me in. His hot breath was inches from my face, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? I’m not going to give you the satisfaction,” he spit out, and then let go.
I stood stunned, watching him. The moment was heated, the anger was rising, but as we stood torn and full of rage something happened. He came at me, his lips on my neck, and pulling my hands back over my head, I was pinned to the wall once again. Milking my skin, he whispered how much he wanted me.
I wasn’t afraid; it wasn’t like that, more than anything I was confused how he switched gears so quickly. Knowing this conversation was far from over I pushed it aside for now. With the spontaneity of a summer storm rolling in, we ripped off our clothes and had sex full of spite while pushing out our emotions. I had no idea where we’d stand after this, but I wanted to feel him inside of me –needed him more than I knew.
Our breathing was labored as we were caught up in a moment of hot, desperate sex.
“I love you,” he growled, “I just want what’s best for you.”
“You don’t get to decide,” I groaned as he pushed into me, his knee pressing my thighs apart.
“You have to trust me,” he grunted as his movements were carved with purpose. Each thrust had us speaking less.
“You can’t always be in charge,” I moaned, unable to speak any longer. I wanted him, wanted him to take me to the edge. And as our bodies melted into one another, we drained our stress and reached our peak.
Pulling out, he stepped back and dropped onto the bed. I watched the man I love close his eyes and drift on the high of the orgasm. I wanted to love him forever. I needed him to love me back.
I moved to the bed, curling up beside him. “I love you, Steel, I’m just afraid of losing you. I’m not broken anymore, and you can’t rescue me.”
My words hit him like cold water to his face, a shock he wasn’t expecting. “You think that’s what this is? What the hell, Avery.”
“What else is it?” I hated stating the obvious, but I needed to – for both of us.
“I don’t have time for this,” he said, getting up, ignoring my words. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
I knew he’d leave the house and not address the elephant in the room. Sex was easy; it was talking that was the real challenge. He got up to shower, leaving me to watch him exit the room.
I’d need to run later, it was the only way I’d sort through my feelings. He’d be leaving soon anyway, and once the season started it would get pushed aside. That suited Steel just fine.
Kira was finally heading back to Seattle. She decided it was home, and while she loved being around her brother, she wanted to live her own life. He couldn’t see that he was smothering her by trying to control her choices. When she was younger she liked his voice, wanted his direction, but as an adult her independence didn’t feel like her own with her brother nearby.
On leaving, her words hi
t home. “He couldn’t save Mom, so he’s going to try to save you and me over and over again. You need to accept that.” She recognized it all along, and was telling me what I needed to know, answering my questions. She saw he loved me, and finally came to terms with that fact. “He does love you, Avery, but he’s battling his own demons. Let him be the hero once in a while, it helps him.”
Chapter 14
It was in the third game of the season, first and goal. In the fourth quarter the Red Hawks put him in the game, hoping he’d pull off the win. With the Red Hawks behind, a field goal would have tied the game, but the coach was going for the touchdown to seal the deal. He’d give Steel three tries to get the ball in the end zone. If he didn’t pull it off, they would kick on the fourth down and take the three easy points.
He threw a perfect spiral, quickly lining up with his receiver. When the driving tackle came, he went down hard, pain shooting through him. Steel couldn’t see if the ball connected, but as the roar rose through the stadium, gutted with excitement, he knew they scored.
Officials and medics were running out to the field as the rush of excitement fell to silence. People waited to see if Steel was okay as the tackle was shown over and over on the big screen. My head was spinning as the announcers analyzed the play. Lifting him up, they helped carry him to the medic cart which drove him off the field. Steel signaled with a thumb’s up, letting everyone know he was okay. The crowd cheered wildly.
Only he wasn’t okay, and the pain was shredding through him with such ferocity that it took everything inside of him to not panic. This could mean the end of his season or even his career. The x-rays told them what he already knew, it was a fracture and he’d be sidelined.
When I saw him take the hit, everything moved in slow motion. I knew it was a bad one, and saw him roll up over his leg, bending it way too far. Every single time he goes down, my eyes are glued to him, just making sure he gets back up. I sat behind the bench in seats set aside for family, and went to the home games, intending to continue the pattern as often as I could. Thankfully work shifted my schedule so that it didn’t interfere, understanding his position. They liked having some big star’s girl working at the bar – it gave them an air of credibility in their eyes. The other wives and girlfriends sat with me in the row of seats, but I wasn’t much of a socializer.
On my feet, unable to look away, I saw the pain in his face. With people quickly surrounding him, it blocked my view. I couldn’t see, wanted to see, needed to see if he’d be okay. I was already tearing through the aisle, trying to get to the locker room as fast as I could. They’d take him for x-rays...and on glancing back at the big screen, I saw his thumb come up in some gesture that he was okay, though I knew he had to be hurting.
The Red Hawks had a separate entrance for ball players and their family. We parked with special privileges and were seated close by, but I’ll be damned if I could get to him in that moment. I was forced to wait until they were done checking him over. I wasn’t a priority and had to suck it up and wait. Shuffled aside like someone in the way, I held in my panic.
Those minutes of standing and pacing in the corridor were killing me. I wanted to be by his side, but this was business, and they had a lot of money at stake. His career would be on a standstill, and with a break he was benched while he healed and then went through physical therapy. On finally being allowed in to see him, I knew how much he meant to me. I couldn’t lose him, not now, not ever. He was my entire world.
Steel took the news hard. Nothing prepared me for the mood swings that would follow. I didn’t know how to make it better, so I just stayed out of the way.
***
One thing I had to focus on was finding a new job. It’s not that bartending didn’t pay me, but it seemed like a waste to sit with a degree and not at least attempt to find a job in my field. That’s laughable really though, because I had no clue what I wanted to do.
The least I could do was send out my resume, though my confidence wasn’t at an all-time high. I must have easily gone over that thing fifty times, analyzing, rewording, and just trying to decide if it was good enough – if I was good enough.
The lack of response hit me hard, and between Steel’s issues and my own we weren’t in a good place. We took our frustration out on each other, and I started to question if we’d even make it.
“You can’t work at that crappy place forever,” he’d vent.
“I’m trying,” I shot back. “It’s not like I didn’t put my resume out there, but nobody’s calling.”
“That’s no excuse; find more places to apply then. You need take charge and push harder.”
“Listen, I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but could you just stop. Stop pressuring me, stop telling me that I’m not doing enough, and just stop pushing me. I’m doing what I can.”
Steel rolled his eyes, but it caught me in the wrong way that day.
“You’re impossible,” I said, annoyed with his bitching. This wasn’t the first time, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. He let me know he expected more from me, and he wasn’t looking for a freeloader.
Holy shit, when he said that word, I flipped shit. “Freeloader, are you serious? Fuck you. You dragged my ass here, begging me to stay. I was happy where I was before you felt the need to change my life.”
“For the better, mind you. You were cowering in a bar when I met you, it’s not like you should be complaining.”
“You’re an arrogant asshole, you know that?” I slammed the door behind me. I didn’t need this bullshit. If all he thought of me was that I was some money grubbing girl trying to get a free ride, I’d prove to him I could make it on my own again – like I did before I met him.
Standing in front of Phil, I asked if my old room was available, or if he at least had another. I felt like a fool, trying to prove something, only when he told me they were all filled, I didn’t know where else to go.
Did I truly want to move out to make some stupid point? Was I that stubborn that I was willing to throw it all away? This was nonsense, and with my head hung low I headed back home.
Only on returning, he was packing my bag. “There you go big girl, I started for you. Go take care of yourself, because you obviously don’t need me. Don’t you fucking walk out on me; you aren’t in charge here, baby, don’t you ever forget that. But if it’s your freedom you want, you’ve got it.”
I was stunned, shocked, and couldn’t breathe. “Steel,” I said, tears in my eyes. “Are you serious?”
He threw money on the table, “That will get you a hotel room for the night, and then you’re on your own. We’re through.”
My stomach flipped. I never dreamed, never thought we’d be here – but he was in no mood to discuss it.
I stood staring at him, wondering where I’d go. I didn’t want to go. It had nothing to do with the house; it had everything to do with Steel. He was my life, he was everything to me. I was banking on us going the distance, and just like that he shut me down. It was my fault really, I’m the one who walked out, and he was just calling my bluff.
Hot tears started down my cheeks. I didn’t mean for this to happen. It came out of nowhere. We were both stressed. I loved Steel, I didn’t want to leave.
We stood face to face, unable to move, unable to speak. Did he mean it? Did he want me to go? This was a mistake...and if I walked out door, things would never be the same. And yet just a bit ago, I was the one to leave. Now that it was his idea, the tables had turned.
I swallowed my pride, humiliation and shame on my face, barely able to choke out the words, “I do need you. I don’t want to go,” I said, looking at him, not wanting to hold eye contact. I was embarrassed at where we were at, and felt like I was groveling. Flush filled my cheeks as I begged him to reconsider.
“Steel, don’t do this,” I cried.
“Do what? You wanted to leave, you walked out,” he growled.
“It was a mistake.”
He turned his head away, trying t
o absorb the moment, teetering on the edge.
“I need you. You’re everything to me,” I pleaded.
He wouldn’t look at me, but his tone softened. “I just want what’s best for you, if only you’d listen to me. You’re stubborn, Avery, and can’t see clearly sometimes.”
I nodded, sobbing. I was afraid to say anything, so I let him take control of the conversation.
“I want this to work, but you’ve got to let go and let me lead.”
Dropping my head, I begged, “Please don’t make me go.”
“You can stay,” he said, and reached an arm out. I walked toward him, and as he pulled me in, wrapping me in an embrace, I cried into his chest. It hit me that I almost lost him, and nothing would have shattered me more. Steel Brickman was my life.
“I’m not myself right now,” he finally admitted. “This knee isn’t going to heal fast enough; I may get sidelined before I even get started.”
“You’re worth the wait,” I whispered. “They’ll see that.”
“I hope so,” he said, resting his head against mine.
With the holidays approaching, we realized how far we’d come. He walked into the bar a year before, finding me a broken shell of a person. And yet, here we were all this time later. It was hard to grasp so much time had passed.
I’d finally gotten a bite on a resume and had an interview coming up. Only when I got there and they told me it was for an opening in Dallas, I turned them down. While I wanted to start something, I didn’t want to do it far away from Steel. I’d hold out for another job. For now, I stayed put at Phil’s – at least it was something.
I think it embarrassed him though, because he got antsy about me finding a new job, even a different bartending job – but Phil’s was turning into a sore spot. I finally put in for an opening at another local pub. He seemed pleased for the time, but it was always something. When I landed another job at Hops and Scotch, he complained that bartending wasn’t what I got my college degree for.
Tangled: A New Adult Romance Boxed Set (12 Book Bundle of Billionaires, Bad Boys, and Royalty) Page 81