A week after the incident I went with Noelle to play soccer with her rag tag group of friends that all played in the park twice a week.
“Come, it is spring now, we can play again. You will be on our team, at least until you go back to America,” Noelle practically ordered. I had never played sports before in my life, but that only encouraged Noelle further when I alerted her of that fact.
“Then now is the perfect time to learn. Come on, it is not competitive.”
Eventually I relented. After all, this trip was supposed to be about new experiences, and if that involved spending my Tuesday nights and Saturday afternoon on a wet, muddy grass field kicking a ball around, well so be it.
That first night, I actually found myself enjoying it. I mostly hung out the back and let the guys do most of the playing, but from time to time the ball came to me, and I did my best to kick it back to someone on my team.
Then when we were finished, everyone on our team congratulating each other as we all dove for the box of orange slices someone had brought, in the middle of the celebration Noelle came up behind me and grabbed me by the shoulders.
The feeling of a strange hand on my freaked me out completely, and I screamed and turned around to fight. After a second I realized it was Noelle, I realized what I’d just done, and that everyone else was staring at us.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry Noelle, you just scared me!” I exclaimed, trying to laugh it off. Luckily, Noelle believed that’s all it was, and everyone joined in as they all gently made fun of me for being so scared of Noelle.
But I knew, I knew the fear that I felt when she touched me. I knew where I had felt that fear before, and what it reminded me of. People touching me set off the memories inside of me, set off my fight-or-flight instinct.
It happened one or two more times, and I got the reputation of being “jumpy”, and people very quickly learned that it wasn’t a good idea to surprise me with a huge from behind or a tap on the shoulder.
The only person who didn’t set it off was Philippe. He was the only person who could touch me, and rather than be scared, I felt comforted. I felt desire. I felt like I was wanted, and I needed him. I loved how our relationship progressed. Even though exams were coming up, we always made sure to make time for each other. We would go out for a picnic in one of Paris’ beautiful parks. Once Philippe brought a bottle of wine, and I explained to him the story of my childhood.
“Oh, when you said you did not drink at the party, I did not realize that meant wine as well. In France, even the people who do not drink will usually drink wine, and I did not even think that in America things might be different. In that case, we do not drink the wine,” Philippe announced. “Stay here, I will be back.”
When Philippe came back ten minutes later, I laughed. He had gotten rid of the wine (“I gave it to a couple in the street that looked very much in love”) and had replaced it instead with milkshakes. I loved his thoughtfulness. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him as we enjoyed our meal. The milkshake was the best part of it all. It symbolized just how much he cared.
A few weeks later, Philippe told me he was inviting his sister over for dinner.
“I think you and Stephanie would get along really well,” he told me.
“That sounds great. I’d like to meet her,” I replied.
“Do you mind if I mention Jacques? I don’t know if it will come up, but if it does I would like to come clean with her that I told you about him.”
“Yes, that’s fine.” I actually thought maybe it would be good to have another woman who knew what I had gone through, even if she was a complete stranger.
She came the following evening. Stephanie resembled her brother quite a bit: although her wavy black hair was longer, reaching down to her shoulders, her dark eyes matched her brother’s perfectly. Her mouth was more feminine, and I had to admit, that family had some amazing genes. Stephanie was gorgeous, in the same way as I found her brother sexier than anyone else on the planet.
“Hi, Stephanie, it’s nice to meet you. Philippe has told me a lot about you.”
“And you as well, Sophie. It is nice to finally meet the girl who has captured his heart.”
“So what was it like, growing up with a brother like Philippe?”
“Well, we grew up in a small village a few hours away. Everyone knew everyone. It was funny, being the older sister I understood a lot more of what was happening than Philippe did. You wouldn’t believe it, but all of the women of the village spent their time trying to get Philippe to hang out with their daughters.”
I laughed. I could definitely believe it.
“Yes, I can see that.”
“The thing is, Philippe hated it. So the more he was invited to girls’ birthday parties and the like, the more he would rebel. Then one day he took his bike out and went with his friends to a construction site. They would jump off the concrete, that sort of thing. At one point Philippe went off a jump wrong and landed on the top of Mrs. Marchand’s car, which dented the top of the car and left a trail of mud all the way down the hood and windshield. After that, the women of the village stopped hounding Philippe.”
“Wow, so he was really a bad boy growing up,” I teased while Philippe grinned at us from the kitchen. I couldn’t help but notice a tinge of color having reached his cheeks, and I grinned to myself. I had never actually seen Philippe embarrassed before, but his sister’s stories of their childhood definitely seemed to do so.
“Oh, he was a bad boy. That’s why our parents sent us away as soon as they could. I was a good girl, but they sent me with him to Paris to keep an eye on him,” she teased.
“And what a brilliant job you did. Look at me now, I’m the perfect gentleman,” Philippe replied, bringing us some mini quiches as an appetizer.
“So how did you and Philippe meet, anyway?”
“I was in Versailles, and so was Philippe. He saw me, came up to me and said hi,” I replied. I looked at Philippe, not sure if I was supposed to mention that bastard’s name. I figured I would let Philippe do it.
“Oh, he must have fallen in love with you. Normally Philippe is the shyest man in Paris.”
“Well actually, Stephanie,” Philippe started, and I think Stephanie noticed the change in Philippe’s tone, “I had basically no choice. She was with Jacques Laflamme. I actually went up to warn her about him, although I didn’t break your promise.”
Stephanie looked at Philippe with hard eyes.
“So that connard, he is at is again,” Stephanie said quietly. Philippe nodded. She turned to me.
“Did he get to you too?” she asked, and I nodded.
“Yes. It was about a month ago. I was so stupid, so naive.”
“I know. He did the same thing to me as well. I ask myself every night if there wasn’t something I could have done differently, if I should have picked up on the clues, if I should have realized what was coming.”
“Me too. I go over it in my head, wondering what would have happened if I did things differently.”
“I told Sophie what happened to you after I found out he did the same thing to her. I was going to tell her before, when I spotted one of the warning signs, but it was too late. I’m sorry Stephanie, I know I broke your trust.”
“No, it’s fine, Philippe. I think I would have liked to know when it happened to me if there had been others.”
“Regardless, he won’t be doing it again, ever.”
Stephanie looked at him sharply.
“You mean the fire? The one that was about a month ago?”
“So it was. A good coincidence, that.”
“I hope that’s all it was.”
I looked between the two. Philippe had the face of a choir boy on, he wasn’t going to admit to anything.
“Sophie, if you ever want to talk, I’m happy to listen,” Stephanie told me when she turned away from Philippe.
“Thanks, Stephanie. Your brother has been incredible as well.”
“Yes, he’s a good
man. But what are your plans for staying together after your semester ends and you need to go back to America?”
Philippe and I glanced at each other. We hadn’t really spoken about it at all. Honestly, I was kind of pushing the thought away whenever it came up. I didn’t want to think about having to go back to America without Philippe, but I knew there was no way I could stay in France.
“I’m not sure. I’m staying for a couple of months after the semester ends on a tourist visa, but then, we haven’t really spoken about what’s going to happen.”
“Oh, well you still have a few months to figure that out.”
As we spoke about it, I realized that there weren’t really that many months to go before I had to leave.
“I guess so, we’ll figure something out anyways. Love always finds a way, doesn’t it?” I asked, looking at Philippe, who smiled at me.
“Absolutely. I can’t imagine my life without you Sophie, and will do everything we can to make sure that we can be together forever.”
“You two are perfect for each other. Absolutely perfect. Makes me happy to see my little brother having found someone like you Sophie.”
“Now you’re making me blush,” I exclaimed, feeling a little bit embarrassed, but happy. I had never really felt like I had a family, and seeing Philippe and Stephanie together was the first time that I really managed to experience what I always imagined having a family would be like.
Just then, the main meal that Philippe had been cooking was finished. He took it out from the oven and served it to much fanfare, the chicken and pan juices done in such a typically French style with potatoes and Brussels sprouts on the side were absolutely delicious.
“I don’t want to leave France, if it means having to leave this food. Maybe I’ll just overstay my visa forever, living here is an illegal immigrant,” I joked.
“Well, to be fair, Philippe has always been the best in the family at cooking,” Stephanie told me.
“I know, but everything you eat in France seems to be so luxurious, it’s also delicious. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get back to American and have to pay more than 50 centimes for a croissant that isn’t half as decent as the ones I get down the street here.”
“It’s true that French food is known to be the best in the world. There’s a reason why we make fun of the English and their food. Were you thinking of doing any traveling Sophie, after exams have finished and the summer holidays start?”
“You know, I hadn’t really thought of it. Everything’s been so hectic the last few weeks. Exams are starting, I’m still trying to get over what happened and sleep through every night without waking up from the nightmares. I don’t think I will. Paris has been such an adventure, and seeing as I’m living off student loans, I don’t think I want to spend that kind of money to go away.”
“I understand. It’s so terrible that this happened to you, especially here, when you’re so far from your support network. You’re lucky to have Philippe, when it happened to me I had all of my friends and family around, which I think helped.”
“Thanks, Stephanie. I never had much for support group to begin with though, I didn’t have what you would call a stable home life.”
“Well in that case, you’re part of our family now. If you ever need anything from me Sophie, just let me know.”
I was completely taken by Stephanie’s generosity. As the meal went on and we continued to talk about various subjects, Stephanie actually did start to feel like my sister. Or maybe my sister-in-law one day? I forced the thought out of my head. I always did this, I always moved too fast in my head compared to real life.
Regardless, by the time Stephanie left for the night, I felt for the first time like I belonged with a family.
“She’s really nice, your sister.”
“I’m glad you like her, I thought the two of you would get along.”
“Definitely, she’s great.”
I went to sleep that night feeling better than I had since the incident with Jacques. Knowing Stephanie, who had gone through the same thing with me, made everything so much easier. I knew that I would survive as well, I knew that I could get over it like she had, and get on with my life. I knew that I would never forget what had happened, but I also knew for sure that it didn’t have to destroy me.
Chapter Seventeen
Unfortunately for us, the conversation with Stephanie made both Philippe and I realize that there was no way we could ignore reality forever. The fact was, my semester in France was going to end in a month, and although I could then spend three months traveling, afterwards I had to go back to America. The next day we went for a walk in the park before stopping in front of the fountain on some benches and discussing our future.
“It really pains me to think that I’ve finally found you, that I finally found someone like you and get in a few months we may be forced apart,” I started.
“I know. I promise you Sophie, I will do everything in my power to make sure that we can stay together. I guess there’s no real way for you to stay in France and studying here long-term?”
“No. I had a look at a few things, for one thing my college doesn’t allow for more than one semester abroad. So that’s out. I could register directly with the university here, but the problem is the international student fees. It would cost me at least $20 000 per year just for tuition, and am already neck deep in student loans. Plus, my French isn’t good enough for me to get a part-time job during the year or a full-time job during the summer to help me pay for things. I would just have to borrow more and more money, and quite frankly with the way the economy is in America, I don’t think they would give me that much to go to school here.”
“That’s really too bad. My family aren’t rich, we have a bit of money, but unfortunately not enough to pay that much for tuition. I wish I could go to America, I still have the three years of my externat to do starting next year.”
“I wish it was easier to study in another country. I wish I could finish off my studies in France, get my degree here and then we could figure out what we would do afterwards.”
“Absolutely. Or me in America. Sadly, I don’t think that’s going to work out. It’s just that the more we seem to talk about it, the less realistic it seems. I can’t see a solution that doesn’t end with one of us giving up our dreams.”
“I think we’re going to have to face reality. I don’t think there’s a way for us to be together after this semester, after you go back to America.”
I leaned into Philippe, resting my head on his shoulder. The fact that we had to come to grips with the fact that we weren’t going to be together hurt me more than anything in the world. It was funny, I had only known Philippe for a few months, but it felt like we had known each other for a lifetime. I knew that more than anything, this was going to be an incredibly difficult place to leave because of Philippe. I wanted to stay with him, I wanted to be with him forever.
“Maybe I could put my degree off for a few years. There must be something like working holiday visa, something that I can do to get a work visa for France, and then work some menial jobs for a little while until my French gets up to par or I manage to save some money to go to university here.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to do that Sophie. I know what the degree means to you, I know how important it is and how hard you’ve worked to get where you are. I know you’re afraid of ending up like your mother, and I also know that if you do this, if you quit university just to be with me, you’re eventually going to resent me for stopping you from following your academic pursuits. And where will we be then? It won’t be a healthy relationship if you resent me.”
I knew Philippe was right. Getting my degree was one of the most important things in my life, and I knew I had to go through with it. I didn’t want to be getting minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life, not able to get ahead and ending up living in a studio apartment drinking away my life like her. If I put my degree off, if I gave it up, even for a man like
Philippe, I knew I would end up resenting him, no matter how unfair that would be to him.
“We could always try long-distance,” I suggested, knowing how few of those relationships work out.
“I agree. I think if we have to be separated, we should still try and make things work. But I also think that no matter what, we should vow to be as happy together as we can be in time that we have left together. No regrets, just love.”
“Absolutely. I think you’re completely right Philippe.” I took his hand in mine and smiled at him. “Let’s promise to do our best to be happy in the time that we have left.”
As we went home, I found it a lot easier to say those words than to think it. I wanted to be as happy as possible with Philippe, I really wanted to, but the problem was that no matter what, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that in a few months we would never see each other again. I mean, it was all good and fine to say that we would have a long-distance relationship, but I knew that those never work out in reality. I didn’t want to lead myself on, I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I had to accept the fact that when I went back to America, Philippe and I would probably be over. There was just no getting around that, and the thought of it made me incredibly depressed.
It was funny, in a away. I had come to France not wanting to get involved with any man, wanting to escape the memory of Mike. Well, I had completely gotten over Mike by now. I barely thought about him, ever. The problem was, I had replaced him with someone else. Someone infinitely better, somebody that I knew would take care of me forever if only we had the opportunity to live on the same side of the world.
I wished I didn’t love Philippe. I wished I liked him as a friend, but I knew that was impossible. I was well and truly in love with him, no matter how much separating from him was going to hurt. There was nothing that could change that. I couldn’t un-love him.
That night when we went to bed I fell asleep facing away from Philippe. It was easier to hide my tears when I faced the wall, tears regretting the fact that I had to leave the love of my life. I didn’t think I would ever meet anyone like Philippe again. In fact, I knew I wouldn’t. Philippe was my soulmate, and I didn’t want to let him go.
Tangled: A New Adult Romance Boxed Set (12 Book Bundle of Billionaires, Bad Boys, and Royalty) Page 149