"After she left, it got a lot worse before I pulled myself together. When I started the farm, all I had were six broken down mares with great bloodlines and one unproven stallion. I took a chance and bought the mares at a bankruptcy auction. They were passed over by other bidders, but good bloodlines don't disappear just because of age.
"I was certain I had a winning combination. I just needed to convince the racing world and the way to do that was by winning. Along the way I took some gambles. One gamble I went too far and lost a lot of our money and almost lost my farm. About that time Judith got tired of waiting for the dream to come true. She was very unhappy. I found out later she was ... seeing other men."
"Oh, Garrett." Compassion filled Christie. That must be the most painful betrayal. "I know what it must cost you to tell me that."
He gave a stiff nod. "After she died, I had a recurring dream or maybe you’d call it a nightmare. In it, I knew that if I’d stopped her that last day, she’d still be alive. I’m the one that found her in the crumpled mess of the car. It still churns my guts into knots."
Compassionately, Christie moved to kneel before him. She cradled one of his hands with her own, the sting of tears in her eyes. "Oh, Garrett, I’m so sorry, for you and for Judith."
"That’s how your sister died."
"We’re each responsible for our own actions. Judith chose her course, she left. I have to believe she found something better here with you. But in the end, something was still driving her. It wasn’t your fault."
Garrett clenched his jaw. "Hannah still suffers flashbacks from that accident. She rarely talks about it. For weeks afterwards the doctors weren’t sure she’d talk at all."
"That poor kid, to have gone through something like that."
"You know I’m not Hannah’s biological father, but when Judith and I first married I insisted on adopting her."
Christie’s throat tightened with sympathy. "I understand how very much you love Hannah. I’m growing to love her also."
Gently, his fingers threaded through the hair at the base of her skull as he watched her intently. "What about you, Christie?"
"What do you mean?" she asked, wary now as she sat back on her heels.
"I understand you wanted to find Judith, but what made you leave everything behind and take to the road? What secrets are you hiding?" The questions were direct. Garrett had revealed his hurt to her, how could she not reciprocate? Suddenly, there was nowhere else to hide.
Chapter Eight
All her life Christie had harbored secrets of one kind or another. She had never let them all out at once. A little at a time, but never all at once so any one person knew all of the secrets she grew up with. Except Ellen. Maybe Judith.
Christie looked at Garrett, read the honest inquiry on his face. "You may think you want to know, but no one really wants to be burdened with another person’s secrets. Not even you."
She was too aware of Garrett’s closeness. She thought how wonderful it would be to be held in his arms, but she kept her hands still in her lap. "You’re a good man, Garrett. You wouldn’t understand the stark reality of my life."
"Christie, tell me why you’re all alone."
Christie considered his words, holding her breath. What harm would it do to tell Garrett? She would be gone in a few weeks anyway. Maybe she could tell him some of the secrets. She stood up and moved across the room, rubbing her arms against a sudden shiver.
"Almost a year ago my sister Ellen found out she was sick." Christie remembered the day in detail, how murky it had been outside. "No words can convey the horror and disbelief I felt when the doctors diagnosed Ellen with leukemia." She fell silent, giving herself a moment. "Ellen was optimistic. I was terrified. I’d cry at the drop of a hat. One minute I’d be okay, the next it would come over me. I’d hide them from her. . .in the bathroom, my bedroom, until it passed. It seemed like it happened all the time in the beginning. Ellen and I have always been together. We had each other to lean on while growing up. From that day in the doctor’s office I knew our lives would never be the same."
"What about your parents?"
She looked at him. "We weren’t close to my parents," she said carefully. "My aunt Rose raised us until I was ten, then she died."
"Why not your parents?"
Christie rubbed the tense muscles in her neck. "My parents had problems and the State decided my aunt provided a more stable living environment. When aunt Rose died we went back to live with my parents until I turned sixteen."
"They resolved their problems?"
"The State thought so." Christie shrugged. "It was mostly just Ellen and me. Of course later on there was Ellen’s husband. Near the end he left her."
"He walked out on your sister?" Garrett’s jaw was tight.
Christie paced the floor, needing movement to expel the nervous energy surging through her. "Yes," she said in a low voice. "He walked out about six months before she died. I hated him for abandoning Ellen." Christie felt again the tide of anger, the hopelessness. All her life, Ellen had been abandoned by one person or another. "I think I still hate him," she admitted starkly. "It colors every thought I have about him. As bad as it sounds, every time I speak to him I don’t let him forget what he did." She couldn’t help the way she felt. "I hate when I say the words that will hurt him, but I can’t seem to stop."
She lifted her chin. "I kept working and for a while, Ellen seemed to be okay. We prayed it had gone into remission. Then one day, everything toppled around us. I got a call at work. Ellen had been rushed to the hospital with a high temperature. From there, it was all downhill."
"Did she come out of the hospital?"
"She insisted on coming home. I had nurses during the day but she grew progressively weaker. About that time Darrell, her husband, left. He couldn’t handle seeing her fade a little more each day." Those had been his words before he’d left for good. Ellen had accepted his leaving, and Christie had never understood her total forgiveness. "Darrell and I never really got along, but that sealed it for me."
"So you put your life on hold?"
Christie frowned at him. "I was going to school and working. I had to quit. Ellen needed me."
"So you left after she died and ended up on the road?"
Tears filmed her eyes. They clung there but didn't fall. Garrett’s face wavered before her.
"Ellen wanted me to find Judith. She said as a family we should reconnect. It was really important to her. I left two months after my sister died, the day after I lost custody of Eric, her son. I knew he and Darrell needed time together and everywhere in my apartment were reminders of my sister. The books she liked to read, the puzzles she worked on near the end. I had promised Ellen we would beat this. I promised I would take care of her son, and it was all a lie. I failed at everything I promised. I couldn’t do any of it."
"You couldn’t keep your sister from dying," he said.
"In my head, I know that." Her heart didn’t listen to her head.
"So Eric is with his father?"
Christie nodded, clenching her fists and taking several deep breaths. "Yes, it’s better for him that way."
Garrett moved closer and Christie was aware of the heat emanating from his body.
"On the surface that sounds like a natural conclusion. Does his father let you see him?"
"He said I could. But I left. I-I ran." She swung around. "I gathered the money I had left and packed a bag. I found myself at the bus station. I hopped the first bus leaving the station. Later, somewhere in Michigan, I guess, I looked at the bus schedule. I saw Kentucky listed as one of the destinations. I remembered the promise I’d made to find Judith. I suddenly knew what I had to do for my sister. I bought a ticket."
"And here you are." Slowly, he put his arms around her and gathered her close. Christie closed her eyes, wanting to forget herself in his hard, comforting arms. Garrett’s chin rested lightly on the top of her head.
"You said you lived with your parents for a few years.
Did another family member take you in after that?"
Christie tensed and pulled away. "The past again." She shook her head. "I got a job when I was sixteen. Ellen and I moved into a tiny studio apartment."
She could see the questions forming in his eyes.
"You supported your sister and yourself?"
Christie nodded, her mouth completely dry. "Ellen was sick a lot as a kid, and she had trouble keeping jobs." She knew the next questions would be the hardest to answer.
"Did you quit school?"
"No. I worked at night in a dance club." She went on before she lost her nerve. "I danced for tips at a strip club."
Garrett’s eyes still met hers, but she couldn’t read his expression.
She gave him a level glance. "I did what I had to do. I won't apologize for surviving."
"Your parents?" She could see a white line around his mouth.
She shrugged. "With us gone, there were two less mouths to feed. We were glad to be out of there and they didn’t miss us."
Garrett cursed and turned away.
Christie watched him warily, the way he kept his shoulders rigid.
She had done what she could to feed her and Ellen.
"If I’d been around I would have horsewhipped your parents," he said fiercely, his voice deep with anger. "For the way they failed all three of you."
All three of them.
Christie blinked in surprise, but then chided herself. Why be surprised that his anger was for her, Ellen and Judith? Garrett would never let his children fend for themselves. Right now he was raising another woman’s child.
"What are you going to do now?" he asked briskly.
Christie cleared her throat, deeply affected by his anger on her behalf. "I need to find a final resting place for my sister."
Garrett’s brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
She looked at him warily. "Ellen made arrangements to be cremated. I was given her ashes and I have them in a keepsake urn, a beautiful wooden book with running horses inlaid on the cover. It was her last wish that together Judith and I find the right place to scatter them. I’ve been looking since I arrived in Kentucky." Christie saw the guarded look on his face. If he thought she was crazy, now was the time to find out. "Darrell thinks I’m crazy," she said flatly.
"That’s why you were so upset that first day when you couldn’t find your duffel bag?"
"Yes. I thought I’d come all this way and then to lose the ashes ..." She drew in a deep, quivering breath.
"What a task you’ve set yourself."
Had she expected him to tell her it was a crazy idea as Darrell had suggested?
"Even though you and Ellen weren’t close to your parents, shouldn't they be contacted and share some of the responsibility?"
"No!" Christie shook her head vehemently. She pushed back the emotion that clouded her when she thought of her parents. "No," she said more quietly. "This is something I’ll do on my own. I wanted Darrell to be a part of this final goodbye, at least for Eric’s sake, but he thinks I’m on a fool’s errand."
"I can understand how much you want to honor her memory, but all I’m saying is let someone else share the burden."
Christie paced the floor. "There’s no one else, only me. That’s how it’s always been. I won’t let her down," she added fiercely.
Again.
The word was inside her head but she had never said it out loud. She had let her sister down and this was a small step toward making amends. That was a secret she couldn’t tell anyone. How could she admit to letting down the one person who had truly loved her?
"I appreciate you letting me vent all this, Garrett, but I know what I have to do. I promise it won’t interfere with my work here. Physical labor is a big change from what I’m used to but I love being around the horses. Maybe that’s what I need, not to worry about the rest of the garbage in my life."
"What kind of work did you do?" he asked quietly.
"I worked as a freelance stenographer for the courts." She worked for the same court system that her mother repeatedly violated, but that wasn’t something she wanted to admit to Garrett. Christie chewed her lip. Secrets, so many secrets.
"Listen, Christie, if I can help, I will. Take the truck whenever you need it."
"I appreciate that."
"You asked me before where Judith was buried. I can take you there."
She drew a deep breath. "Thank you. I’ve thought about it, but I’m just not ready."
Footsteps sounded on the stairs leading to her apartment. Hannah suddenly appeared in the door.
"Hi Hannah," Christie said.
Hannah just stood there watching them, and Christie could almost see the wheels turning in the child’s head. Did she think Christie was trying to steal her father away?
Hannah shifted her weight onto one foot and stood with a hand on her hip. "Ruth was looking for you, Daddy."
Garrett glanced over at his daughter. "Is it urgent?"
Hannah seemed to debate that a moment, her gaze shooting over to Christie. Vigorously, she shook her head. "Yeah. She needs you right away."
"I’ll be along in a minute, Hannah." He walked across the apartment. "You'll still come for meals at the house?" he asked Christie.
Christie saw Hannah’s mouth turn down.
"Yes, Garrett, thank you. Thanks for everything. You too, Hannah," she added. Hannah’s eyes widened in surprise.
"You’re welcome," Hannah muttered. "Do you really like it?" she added, a tad of uncertainty creeping into her voice.
"I do, and I know your Dad couldn’t have done all this without your help." She smiled. "I bet he realizes just how lucky he is to have a young lady like you to help him out."
Hannah frowned a bit, clearly uncertain as to how to respond.
"Let’s get out of Christie’s way," Garrett said. "See you later." With his hands on Hannah’s shoulders, he ushered her through the door.
When he would have closed the door, Christie said, "You can leave the door open."
"You’ll have more privacy and quiet with it closed," he said.
Christie shook her head. She didn’t explain it was a strange quirk of hers. As he and Hannah left, she turned toward the window. How could she expect anyone to understand her need not to feel closed in, the need to see to her sister’s ashes, the need to move on with her life ...
She did want to move on, but with a deep sigh, she realized she was getting more and more entrenched in life at Winding Creek Farms. Maybe the only thing Garrett felt for her was physical attraction, but for Christie she feared emotion might run deeper. He knew how to treat people right and he hadn’t seemed disgusted with the decisions she’d made. There had been a sense of understanding between them.
Christie ran her fingertips over the smooth wood of the rocking chair. The use of such a treasure meant a lot to her. Perhaps too much. Christie wondered what kind of heartache she was letting herself in for. Why did she care about a child and a man who seemed determined to stand alone and who also wanted her gone?
###
Hannah held onto Garrett’s hand as they left Christie’s apartment. As they crossed the yard Garrett lifted a hand to Ally, who was busy with one of the yearlings in the round training pen beside the barn.
"Do you know why Ruth wanted to see me?"
Hannah suddenly released his hand and hung back. "Um, she probably doesn’t need you anymore. You were up there a long time. I’m going to play on my swings, Daddy." Hannah turned to dash off.
Before she could Garrett caught her arm and gently turned her to face him. "Hannah."
She remained silent, not quite meeting his eyes. Garrett went down on his haunches, concerned by the stiff resistance of Hannah’s body. "Ruth wasn’t looking for me, was she?" he asked quietly.
After a slight hesitation, Hannah shook her head no.
"But you wanted me to leave Christie’s apartment, didn’t you?"
She looked down at her red boots. "Yes."
&nb
sp; "Why?"
She lifted her head and he saw the film of moisture in her eyes. "We fixed up the place for her, Daddy. Now she can be over there and not in our house. You’re supposed to be in our house with me."
Garrett tried to search for the right words of assurance for his daughter, not certain what they might be. "Hannah, I know we’ve had a lot of changes in the last year or so and sometimes change can be pretty scary. It’s like a hard bump you have to climb up over. It’s okay to be scared."
"You don’t get scared," she scoffed.
"Of course I do, honey, but I also realize change can be okay. If somebody needs help, I’ll give them a hand. It won’t take any of my attention away from you. You’re my daughter, my first concern, but sometimes others hit that hard bump in the road and need me. Do you understand?"
"I guess. Can I go play?"
Garrett let out a deep, resigned sigh, uncertain if he’d gotten through to his daughter. "Go ahead. I’ll be in my tool shed."
Hannah ran away from him toward her swing set. Garrett followed, then walked past her to the shed behind the house.
He needed some mental stimulation right now. Working on his dirt bike usually took his mind off pressing problems. As he pulled his tools out of the shed where he kept the bike, he kept thinking of what Christie had revealed about her earlier life. He kicked some rags aside, still furious over her parents’ obvious neglect. How does anyone abandon a child? Christie and Ellen had had no one but each other and they had been children. What about Judith?
When he’d met her she’d been full of neurosis and barely veiled insecurities. Did he want to go that route again, care about someone who came with a busload of unresolved baggage? Judith’s sister. In the end, Judith hadn’t been able to overcome her past, and it had helped to tear them apart. Christie was from the same background.
What kind of desperation did it take to leave home one day and head out to unfamiliar territory so you could keep a promise? Garrett sensed there was more that Christie wasn’t telling him. What would it take for her to trust him with the full truth?
Echoes From The Past (Women of Character) Page 12