by Lucy King
‘There is no risk.’
‘However much I might wish otherwise, you are both better off—and safer—without me.’
At his choice of words, hope flared inside her, spreading through her like wildfire, dizzying her with its intensity. Could it be that he did want them but was simply so blinded by fear he believed he didn’t deserve them? Could she convince him otherwise? ‘You are not your father,’ she said, her throat tight and her pulse racing.
‘Leave it.’
‘No. It’s too important.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
Too bad. He wasn’t shutting her down again. Not now. And she’d chosen her battlefield wisely. There was no escape from a moving car. ‘But you should,’ she said heatedly. ‘You need to. You need to see what I see: a man who would go to the ends of the earth to protect and defend those that matter to him. That man would never be a danger to anyone. That man would never hit anyone.’
He pulled over suddenly and parked, and then turned to her, his eyes bleak, his face rigid. ‘But I did, Kate,’ he said bluntly. ‘I did.’
She blanched, the words hovering between them, the rain hammering down on the roof of the car. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Exactly that.’
No. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. ‘When? Who?’
‘My mother. I was sixteen.’
She recoiled with shock, but right down to her marrow she knew that it couldn’t be that simple. ‘What happened?’
‘Nothing happened.’
‘I don’t believe you. There has to be some explanation.’
‘There isn’t.’
‘Circumstances, then?’ she said, because she was not going to let this go and she refused to believe it of him. ‘Tell me the circumstances.’
‘The day I’d planned to leave,’ he said, his voice flat and emotionless in a way that intensified the ache in her chest, ‘I told her to grab what she needed. She said no. I begged. My father came home, off his head as usual. She told him what I’d asked her to do and he flew into a rage. He punched me in the stomach and I’d had enough. For the first time in my life I retaliated. My mother went to protect him and my fist caught her on the cheek. She told me to get out. So I did.’
He spoke matter-of-factly, but she could hear the trace of emotion behind what he said, the guilt, betrayal, the rejection, the abandonment. ‘It was an accident,’ she said, her words catching on the lump in her throat.
‘Was it?’
‘Yes.’
‘That’s who I really am, Kate.’
‘It isn’t. It really isn’t.’ She took a deep breath and stepped into the terrifying unknown. ‘I’ve fallen in love with you, Theo. I don’t know when or how, but I love you and trust you with every cell of my being.’
He barely moved a muscle in response. ‘Then you’ve made a mistake,’ he said flatly. ‘I can never be the man you want me to be.’
For a moment her heart shattered, pain pummelling through her at the realisation he was adamant in his belief, but then, quite suddenly, anger flared deep inside her, rushing along her veins and setting fire to her nerve-endings. How dared he tell her she’d made a mistake? How dared he dismiss her feelings? And how dared he continue to reject their child?
‘You already are the man I want you to be,’ she said fiercely. ‘Everything I told Daniel was true. But you are also a coward.’
His eyebrows shot up at that, a chink in the icy facade at last. ‘What?’
‘You heard,’ she said, burning up with frustration and hurt. ‘You’re a coward. History doesn’t have to repeat itself. There are choices you can make. There are choices you’ve already made. You are not just your father’s son. You’re also your mother’s. And when it comes to our child, you’re only half the equation. I have never felt in danger with you, Theo, even when I pushed you and pushed you and you hated it. In fact, I’ve never felt safer or better protected.’
She stopped, breathing hard, but he didn’t say anything. His fingers flexed on the steering wheel, his knuckles white and his face tight, but his simmering anger was nothing compared to hers.
‘I think you’re scared,’ she said hotly. ‘I think you’re scared of rejection and abandonment and that’s why you’re not prepared to take a risk on us. And you know what? I get it. I’m scared, too. This pregnancy terrifies me. Everyone I love has a habit of leaving me one way or another. My brother, my father, even my sister. Right now, I miss my mother more than I ever thought possible and it hurts so very much. And then there’s the guilt. My God, the guilt. Every time I see Milly, the fact that she will never get the chance to fall in love, have a family, crucifies me.’ She shook her head. ‘So I don’t have a clue what I’m going to do and I’m petrified my anxieties will take over, but I no longer have the luxury of wallowing in my hang-ups. Of being selfish. I have a child to think about. You could, too. And you could have me. Because Daniel was right. We do make a good team. We could make a great one. We could be a family. The one that I want and the one that I know, deep down, you want. And don’t you dare give me that “I’m better off alone” rubbish. No one is. Everyone needs someone.’
‘I don’t.’
‘You do. Don’t you want to be happy?’ she asked, hearing the faint desperation in her voice but not caring. ‘Don’t you want to let go of the past and look to the future?’
Silence fell and stretched and for the briefest of moments she thought she’d got through to him and hope leapt, but when he spoke it was with an icy calm that splintered her heart and shattered her dreams. ‘Why is it so hard to understand, Kate?’ he said coldly. ‘I don’t need happiness and I don’t want you.’
‘But—’
‘What I do want, however, is for you to get out of my car. Now.’
* * *
Shaking all over and in agony, Kate closed the door to her flat behind her and sank to the floor, her heart shattering as the sobs she’d held at bay while scrabbling to get out of Theo’s car now racked her body.
His brutal rejection of everything she’d offered him was crucifying. Not only had she laid the possibility of a happy future, a happy life on a platter for him, she’d revealed her fears and handed him her heart. And he’d trampled all over it.
Tears streamed down her face and she curled up on the floor, exhaustion and despair descending like a heavy black cloud. She’d given it her best shot and she’d failed. If only she hadn’t barged in there with her declaration of love. If only she’d stuck with the plan to keep it to herself for a while. If only she hadn’t fallen in love with him in the first place.
She’d been such an idiot. She’d recognised the risk to her heart he presented and she’d blithely assumed she’d be able to handle it. Why she’d ever thought that when she had zero experience in such matters and the physical and emotional attraction she felt for him was so strong she had no idea. But it was too late for regret because now here she was at the bottom of that slippery slope, and it was just as wretched and miserable as she’d imagined.
Why couldn’t he have been willing to give them a chance? Why couldn’t he have let her help him? Love him? She had so much to give. What if he just needed time? What if she gave him some space and then tried again?
But no, she told herself with a watery sniff as she angrily brushed away the tears that continued to leak out of the corners of her eyes. She’d be banging her head against a brick wall. She had to stop hoping and imagining and wishing. Theo wasn’t going to suddenly and miraculously wake up one morning realising he was in love with her and deciding he did want them. He was too damaged. Too entrenched in his beliefs. He was determined to remain alone, an island barricaded from the soaring highs and wretched lows of life.
And however much that hurt, and, oh, how it did, she had to accept it, get up and move on.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
IN THE DAYS tha
t followed their return to London, Theo was convinced he’d done one hundred per cent the right thing by letting Kate go. He would not tarnish her with his darkness. His actions—and his inaction—brought about the destruction of other people and he would not destroy her, too. Or their child. He didn’t deserve happiness and he had no right to take what she had offered. Despite what she believed, he wasn’t, and could never be, the man she wanted him to be. And when he thought of the way she’d gone on the attack, which was all the damn time since he couldn’t seem to get it out of his head, he was absolutely certain that there was nothing he would have done differently.
He knew he was no coward. She had no idea how much strength and courage it took to stand alone and apart and not seize what deep down he’d always tried to deny he craved. And he was not wallowing or selfish, despite what she might have implied. His concerns were current and real.
So as he’d watched her stumble up the steps to her building he’d told himself that she and her baby would be fine now. He’d driven home and poured himself one drink and then another and then another. The next day he’d gone into the office and thrown himself into work. The deal had been signed. The details were being hammered out. Everything was proceeding smoothly.
But now, two hellish weeks later, he found himself wondering, where was the peace? Where was the sense of achievement? Why was he still so frustratingly restless? And why couldn’t he stop pacing?
The sense of impending doom he’d assumed would vanish once he’d dealt with Kate hadn’t. Instead, it was larger and darker and more oppressive than ever. And as for order and control that he’d expected to return, he currently felt as if he were hanging on a cliff face by his fingertips. He was popping painkillers like candy and he was snapping at anyone who had the misfortune to cross his path.
What was the matter with him? Why couldn’t he concentrate? Why couldn’t he eat or sleep? And why hadn’t he returned the ring to the jewellers? Kate had returned it to him by courier the day after they’d arrived back. The sight of it had cleaved him in two, but he’d kept it on his desk where it sparkled away at him all sodding day and he had no idea why.
Nor could he work out why he hadn’t announced that he and Kate had decided to go their separate ways. The deal was sealed. The contract could not now be broken. A quick press release to announce that their engagement was off would be the easiest thing to do. So why did it feel like the hardest? Why was he still putting it off?
It was all as confusing as hell, but not nearly as confusing as the doubts that had started bothering him a couple of days ago and were now sprouting up all over the place. What if she was right and he was wrong? was the main one, the one that tortured his every waking moment. The minute he crushed it in one place, up it popped somewhere else, churning up his insides and driving him demented.
It couldn’t go on.
He couldn’t go on.
Not any more.
As the strength suddenly left his body, Theo sank into the sofa, his elbows on his knees, and buried his head in his hands.
He was so damn sick of it. Sick of the torment and the fighting and the bone-crushing loneliness. All his life he’d been alone. He had no siblings and he’d allowed no one to get close. Not even Kate, who’d made him doubt and fear and hope. Who’d pushed her way through his defences and stabbed at where he was weakest and who he might as well admit he adored.
He couldn’t do denial any longer. His impenetrability was shot. As the walls around his heart crumbled, pain and regret sliced through him. She’d offered him everything he’d ever wanted and he’d thrown it back in her face. And why? Because she’d been right—he had been scared. He’d always been scared.
But, really, what was there to be afraid of? Hadn’t he demonstrated time and time again that he had broken the mould? How many times had he been pushed yet stayed in control? He wasn’t his father. He never had been. Never would be. Deep down he knew that. So what if that wasn’t the real issue? What if he did fear rejection and abandonment?
He’d never forget the pain and the guilt, the distress and the trepidation that had gripped every inch of him when he’d shut the door on the flat he’d called home and what little family he’d had. He’d had money and a plan, but that first night he’d spent alone in a cheap nearby hotel had been so cold, so bleak, and the only way he’d been able to move forward was to accept the icy emptiness, adopt it and turn it into armour.
The actions of his mother had cut deep, but it had been fourteen years since she’d looked at him with accusation and disgust. There’d been nothing he could do to save her. He’d given her every opportunity to escape and she’d made her choice and it hadn’t been him. There’d been nothing he could have done to save Mike either. Deep down he knew that because he’d done the research and asked the questions.
So he had to forgive himself and let it all go. Because how long was he going to deny himself the future he’d always dreamed of? How long was he going to be able to carry on knowing Kate was out there on her own because of his own blind stupidity?
God, he loved her. She was brave and forthright and confronted whatever life threw at her with her chin up and challenge in her eyes. He wanted her and he wanted their child. And he’d rejected them both.
When he thought of what he’d said to her, and the way he’d said it, he felt sick to his stomach. The ice, the disdain, the cruelty. He could recall every single word and they sliced at him like knives. What the hell had he done? he wondered, shame slamming into him as he broke into a cold sweat. And what the hell could he do to fix it?
* * *
The last fortnight for Kate had been something of a roller coaster. One minute she was doing fine, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other as she got through the days, the next she was dissolving into tears, heartbroken and wishing for what could never be.
A week ago she’d gone to a doctor’s appointment and when she’d heard the fluttering whoosh of her baby’s heartbeat she’d completely lost it. When she’d visited Milly, who’d grilled her excitedly about the trip to Italy and bombarded her with questions about the non-existent wedding, she’d had to leave before she broke down. Swinging between intense despair and desperate hope that the fact that Theo hadn’t issued an announcement about their separation might mean something, she was mostly a wreck and she’d lost count of how many tubs of ice cream she’d consumed.
But while acceptance that he wasn’t going to change his mind still shredded her heart it was getting easier. Her appetite had returned and she’d stopped waking up in the middle of the night in tears. And look at the way she could now go without thinking about him for a whole five minutes. See how the urge to call him and beg him to give them a chance was gradually diminishing. That was huge progress.
And that wasn’t the only area in which she was moving on. The day before yesterday, she’d grabbed a large plastic bag and filled it with the ill-fitting clothes she’d once bought because they made her feel dainty. Then she’d ordered a full-length mirror, which had arrived this morning. If she was going to carry on walking around in her underwear, which she’d taken to doing since everything else was getting tight, she figured she might as well see what she looked like doing it. So what if she was going to become the size of a whale and probably just as cumbersome? Her body was building a baby. It wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. It was magnificent. And who cared if she didn’t fit in? What was so great about being the same as everyone else anyway?
Besides, she wanted to be able to admire her fabulous new haircut properly. She’d wanted short hair for as long as she could remember but she’d always worried that it would make her look even bigger. And it probably did, but she didn’t care, she loved it anyway. Statuesque was how she was going to think of herself from now on. Fearless. And strong.
Because she was all that and more. She’d been wrong about Theo being responsible for the changes she’d undergo
ne. It had been her. All her. She didn’t need him. She didn’t need anyone. And when she was ready she’d find another man with whom she could wear heels and walk in synch. In Holland, perhaps. Dutch men were the tallest on the planet. They had an average height of one hundred and eighty-two point five centimetres. She knew. She’d looked it up.
In the meantime she had plenty to occupy herself. She had work to find. She had Milly and the baby to focus on. That was more than enough. She didn’t need Theo. She didn’t need anyone. She was more than capable of doing this on her own. She’d be fine. In fact, she was fine.
The buzzer sounded, making her jump and jolting her out of her thoughts. She put down the knife with which she was chopping onions for soup for supper and wiped her streaming eyes. Padding into the hall, she picked up the handset. ‘Yes?’ she said with a sniff.
‘It’s Theo.’
At the sound of his voice, the voice that had tormented her dreams and which she’d never ever forget, Kate nearly dropped the handset. Her heart skipped a beat and then began to thunder, the surge of love, need and hope colliding with doubt and wariness. Why was he here? What did he want? And what was she going to do?
The part of her that was still crushed by the way he’d rejected her was tempted to tell him to get lost. Yet him on her doorstep was precisely what she’d been dreaming of, and so even though she was so vulnerable where this man was concerned, even though he had the power to destroy her so completely she might never recover if she wasn’t extremely careful, she knew she was no more going to hang up on him than she was going to be a petite size six.
‘Come up.’
* * *
That was one hurdle cleared, thought Theo grimly, his gut churning with rare nerves as the door buzzed and he pushed his way in. Now for the rest.
As he took to the stairs, it occurred to him that for the first time in decades he had no plan. He had no idea what he was going to say. Once he’d realised how much of a fool he’d been, all he’d focused on was getting here. The only thing he did know was that he’d come to fight for the woman he loved and to get her back, whatever it took, whatever the cost, and he wasn’t leaving until he’d achieved it.