Chapter 31
Don’t Give Up
Mom lay on her side, her hair deep red against the white pillowcase. Her fingers curled around the edge of the comforter, holding it close the way a small child might hold a blanket. Her eyes were closed, the lashes a dark fringe against her pale cheeks. I didn’t know if she was awake, asleep, or someplace in between. Only a sliver of light came through the closed curtains.
I stepped into the darkened room, which smelled of the violets Dad had left on the bedside table.
“Mom?” I whispered.
When she didn’t answer, I went to sit next to her on the bed and took her hand in mine. Her skin was soft, and her hand felt like a baby bird — delicate and so fragile.
“Mom,” I whispered again, and her eyelashes fluttered open.
“Sadie,” she said, her voice thick with sleep.
I tried to picture her standing on the beach with her arms outstretched, not curled up inside the net. Everything inside of me wanted to slip back into Mom-Sadie mode, where I pretended everything was okay, and she did too.
She needs to know she has something to give.
“Mom, I need your help.” I set her hand back down on the comforter and pulled my legs in close to my chin.
She blinked a few times, breathed deep, and pushed herself up on the pillows, as if entering the room for the first time. “What did you say?”
“I messed up everything with Ruth and Andrew. It’s a long, complicated story. And now I’ve tried to fix things with Ruth at least, but … I still feel …” My voice trailed off. I hated the sound of the word in my head.
“Lonely,” she said.
It had been a long time since Mom could finish any sentence for me.
“Yes. When everything went wrong, I fell apart. And then I felt like I was in this fog, this darkness that I couldn’t get out of. I didn’t mean to act badly, but I couldn’t help it.”
Mom took my hand. “Oh, Sadie.”
I didn’t know how to ask, so I just let the words out. “Is that how you feel?”
Mom looked down at the comforter, twisting it between her fingers. Finally, she said. “It’s not the sickness, it’s the other thing, the stronger thing. Loneliness, sadness — like you said, darkness.”
“When Frankie moved away, I told her I thought the hard parts of life were worth it because in the hard times, you learn that God is with you. But then Vivian’s house flooded, and Annabelle came and you—”
“I let you down,” Mom finished.
“You’re sick,” I said, shaking my head.
“I’m not just sick,” Mom said. “We both know I could be better than I am.”
We sat in silence for a while, while my words burned inside me, aching to be said. If I spoke them, I’d cross the invisible divide we’d had in place for so long. I’d be admitting I couldn’t do this by myself. In some ways, these words were harder to say than “I love you.” They couldn’t be taken back.
“I need you, Mom.”
She didn’t answer right away, and the hollowness began to settle in again. Maybe I’d been wrong. I never should have come to Mom’s room, never should have risked saying —
“I need you too, Sadie,” Mom finally said. “Not the way you try to be — strong and perfect — but like this. I need to be your mom.”
I looked into her clear green eyes and realized I couldn’t remember the last time I’d looked at her — really looked. Or the last time I’d let her look at me. But now she looked at me, into me, as though she wasn’t seeing only my face, but my heart too. Layers peeled away inside of me until I felt totally exposed, no more shield. I let Mom see my numbness, my fear.
“I’m afraid I’m never going to be okay,” I said. “That no matter what, I’m going to keep falling apart.”
Mom pulled me close and stroked my hair. “I’ve watched you, Sadie, ever since we moved here. You’re so fiercely committed to finding the truth, to doing what’s right, to being a loyal friend. But no matter how hard you try, you can’t help but fall apart sometimes. That’s when you need people to love you, to help you put yourself back together, to get stronger. You’re the one who taught me that, actually. I’ve forgotten these past few weeks that falling apart isn’t the end.”
I felt like I was in a dream again, lying there in Mom’s arms the way I used to do when I was small. “Remember that time when I walked in and you were praying?”
“Yes.” I heard the smile in Mom’s voice. “I scared you that day.”
“Do you think it’s possible to be friends with God?” I asked.
“Absolutely. I believe God wants to be as close to us as our next breath,” Mom said. “I think most times we hold him at a distance because we’re afraid. But God is bigger than our fear.”
“But what about when he lets us down, like—”
“Like when he doesn’t make me better, no matter how much we all try?” Mom finished.
I closed my eyes against the tears, but they ran down my cheeks anyway. “Yes. Why doesn’t he just heal you? Why did he let you get sick in the first place?”
“I wonder that myself, Sades. All the time. And I don’t have any good answers. But I do know that God is still here with me. I hear him, even on my darkest days — even when I’m trying not to.”
“What’s the answer then? What are we supposed to do?”
“Honestly? I think life is about finding the right questions to ask, because questions move us forward, they cause us to seek and wonder. Answers are only temporary, and when we think we’ve found them, we often stop in our tracks.”
“So if you believe all this, how come …”
“I forget too, Sades. And I need you and Dad and God to remind me. Some days it’s hard not to give up.”
“Please don’t give up,” I whispered.
She kissed the top of my head, and we sat like that for a while longer. I felt the knots untangling inside of me. I may not have the answers, but I did have questions. And I had Mom. And Dad. And Ruth. Pips and Frankie. And the voice in the dark. I had God.
Mom handed me a tissue. “Now what’s this I hear about you going back to New York?”
I dried my cheeks. “I want to go to Vivian’s art show and visit Frankie, but I mostly want to go so I won’t have to be here to watch the play. And Annabelle.”
“But …?”
“But Annabelle said Andrew wants me to see the show. And I know Ruth wants me to be here too. Not just wants me to be here, but my being here will mean something to them. I mean, Frankie wants to see me too. But I feel like, after everything that’s happened, I owe it to Ruth to watch her in the show.”
Mom stroked my cheek and smiled. “Something tells me you’ll have the answer for this one very soon.”
I hugged her tight. “Thanks, Mom.”
From downstairs Dad called, “Spaghetti, anyone?”
Mom and I walked downstairs, hand in hand.
Chapter 32
Being There
Andrew stepped out of the trees in his king costume, crossed to the bakery door, and watched Annabelle as she sang and danced. A small smile played around his lips, sending a sharp pang through me. He didn’t have to act to look that way, to have that mixture of satisfaction, pride, and happiness when he looked at Annabelle. He might say it was because he was so happy she’d come so far since last year. And maybe that was even true. His scene was short, but he was still having trouble with his lines.
I caught Ruth watching me, and I felt another stab. But now I didn’t know what I felt. Sadness? Guilt? Confusion, mostly. I hoped Mom was right and I’d just know what to do about New York. Or maybe the problem was that I wasn’t being honest with myself. I did know what I should do, but I wasn’t sure I could.
“When were you planning to memorize this?” Penny interrupted Andrew. “We open the show on Friday. Less than a week from today.”
“I’m sorry,” Andrew said. “I promise I’ll have it down by tomorrow.”
&nb
sp; “All right. We’ll come back to this scene tomorrow. For now, let’s move on to the dance.”
This was the moment of truth. I’d promised Penny, on pain of death, that I’d decide about being in the play by the time we practiced this final dance today. She wanted to set everyone’s positions today, so if she added me to the dance, everyone would be thrown off if I didn’t show up for the real thing. I swallowed hard.
“Sadie, are you dancing?” Penny called.
I glanced back at Ruth. I’d promised Vivian I wouldn’t pretend. I wouldn’t try to be perfect, or try to make everyone else happy. The answer grew inside me, rolling over and up as though tossed by the waves, coming closer to the surface all the time. Finally, I opened my mouth and the answer tumbled from my lips.
“Yes.”
Penny raised an eyebrow. “It’s a final answer, you know. No changing your mind?”
“Right,” I said, nodding.
Annabelle let out a shriek of happiness and ran over to hug me. I caught Andrew watching us with a surprised look. When she let go of me, Ruth hugged me too.
“Thank you, Sadie,” Annabelle said. “This means so much to me, I can’t even tell you.”
“I didn’t want you to have to work that music box all on your own,” I said, doing my best to return her smile.
I could still feel Andrew watching us as we lined up for the dance. As the music started, I was surprised that instead of watching Annabelle, he kept watching me. When I looked up and caught his eye, he smiled very slightly and turned away. But not before I noticed that the tips of his ears were bright red.
After the dance and the curtain call, I went back to the set station to make sure there was nothing left to do. Tomorrow’s rehearsal was our last one before the show, and I didn’t want any surprises.
I cleaned the paintbrushes and capped the paint cans. Doug and Penny had promised to help me carry all of the supplies back inside before tomorrow’s rehearsal.
“Sadie?” Andrew said from behind me.
My heart stopped for a fraction of a second before it started beating again, faster than before. I turned to face him.
“Would you help me with my lines tonight?” he asked. “I can’t do it on my own.”
“Can’t Annabelle help you?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“Her family has already moved over to the lake house,” Andrew said. “And she’s busy with her own lines, anyway. And …”
“And what?” I asked.
“And I …”
For one crazy second, I thought he was going to hug me, the way he used to. But the moment passed and he stepped back, shrugging.
“You what?” I asked.
“I think you’d be a lot of help,” he said with a false ring to his words.
“That isn’t what you were going to say, is it?” I asked.
“No.” His lips curled up into the smile I loved, the smile I didn’t think I’d ever see again. “So, will you?”
I shrugged but couldn’t help smiling. “Sure. I guess so.”
Dad drove me over to the research cabin, and I could hardly sit still.
“Call when you’re ready for me to pick you up,” Dad said as I closed the Jeep door.
“Love you, Dad,” I said, my arms full of green fabric.
I still had to cut out leaves in every spare second. Vivian would leave for New York in a few days, and I still had about three hundred leaves to go.
Andrew and I decided to sit on the porch, so I set up my pile of fabric and started cutting while he turned to his page in the script.
“Memorization isn’t my thing,” he said.
“Let’s go through it slowly,” I said.
He started reciting his first line, and I saw right away what the problem was. “Andrew, you’re so worried about saying the exact words on the page, you’re not thinking about what you’re saying.”
I suggested that before he tried memorizing them as they’re written, he should try paraphrasing his lines until he knew what each one was about.
“Wow, it’s so much easier now.” He grinned at me. “Amazing!”
“So now you can help me cut out leaves,” I said.
“Let’s take a break first.” Andrew helped me up. “How about a game of Sink the Log? Last one there has to cut out the rest of the leaves.”
He took off running.
“No fair!” I called after him, laughing. “You’re such a cheater!”
I sprinted to catch up, but he was so far ahead of me that he reached the creek a full fifteen seconds before I did.
“Didn’t you say the first person who gets here has to cut out the rest of the leaves?” I asked.
“Nice try.” Andrew winked at me. “But maybe I’ll still help you out of the goodness of my heart.”
He tossed a stick into the water, and we gathered up some rocks to throw to try to sink it. Some of my rocks hit the stick, but most of them plunked into the water. Soon, the stick was out of view.
“Rematch.” I looked for another good stick.
Andrew caught my arm. “I wish you’d wear your necklace.”
I stopped and looked up at him. “I didn’t think …”
“I’m sorry for what I said,” Andrew said. “I was worried about Annabelle, and confused about you. You weren’t acting like yourself, and I started to wonder — if I still felt the same way about you.”
“You used to be my best friend,” I said, and then realized I wasn’t exactly telling the truth. “And more. But now …”
“I’m not asking for everything to be exactly like it was right this minute,” Andrew said. “But I hope it will be again — someday.”
My stomach flip-flopped, and I couldn’t look him in the eye without blushing. I pulled my arm away and grabbed the first stick I saw.
“Now for real,” I said. “Rematch!”
We ran around gathering rocks. A rustle in the bushes stopped me.
“Andrew, stop,” I whispered, pointing across the creek.
July and her two cubs stepped out of the underbrush and came down to the water to drink. We sat on the bank watching the two cubs splash in the water until July huffed at them and turned to go. The white cub looked me in the eyes once more, almost exactly the same way she had just a few weeks before.
“Incredible,” Andrew said when the bears had gone.
“I know.” We stayed still, listening to the crickets until the sun slipped behind the trees.
From: Sadie Douglas
To: Frankie Paulson
Date: Sunday, April 29, 8:20 PM
Subject: New York
Frankie, I can’t come visit you this time. I’m so sorry. But Mom promised to drive me to New York at least one more time before we move back to California so I can see you. And I have an idea for this weekend that I think you’ll like. Look for a note in the box that I’m going to send with Vivian. She’ll be there on Wednesday, so you’ll have a few days to help with the leaves and ivy, if you want to.
Chapter 33
By the Light of the Moon
With finishing Vivian’s leaves and seeing her off to New York, play rehearsals and paint touch-ups, ticket sales and other preparations, the week flew by.
Finally, Friday night arrived. I slipped into my costume: black leggings, a black T-shirt, black socks, and black shoes. I’d wear this for the majority of the show while I helped Annabelle with the music box backstage, and then I’d add a ballet skirt over the top for the final dance. I checked my reflection in the mirror and decided to go for it. I took Andrew’s necklace out of my dresser drawer, put it on, and hurried out of my room before I could change my mind.
I gave Higgins an extra treat as we went out the door. “We’ll be back soon, Higgy.”
Dad helped Mom into the Jeep, and I took the backseat.
“We’re so proud of you,” Dad said as he pulled out onto the road.
I laughed. “Wait till you see my dancing before you decide how proud you are of me.”
Stars appeared one by one in the deepening sky. We’d decided to do the entire show by moonlight and tiki torch, particularly because tonight was a full moon and there would be plenty of light.
Dad pulled into the parking lot and Mom gave me a hug, handing me her iPhone. “Take good care of it.”
I hurried off to the Tree House where the cast was gathering while the audience assembled. I checked the time. Seven-fifteen. Perfect.
I climbed the rope ladder to the Tree House. Ruth, Annabelle, Bea, Lindsay, and Andrew were all waiting.
“You guys ready?” I asked.
They gathered around me as I dialed Vivian’s cell phone number. Vivian’s face appeared in the screen. “Hey, guys!”
“Say hello, not hey,” Georgiana trilled in the background. Then she said, “Oops! I thought that was Frankie. Sorry, Vivian!”
We all laughed as Vivian passed the phone to Frankie.
“How’s it going?” I asked.
Frankie panned the phone around the room to show off the forest filled with sculptures and the ivy-covered piano. “It’s perfect,” she said. “And people have been adding their memories to the ivy all night.”
She walked over to give us a closer look at the ivy. The leaves were covered with gold letters, words symbolizing the memories left behind by the people who’d visited the exhibit already.
“Are you ready?” Frankie asked.
I gathered everyone close. Frankie opened the envelope we’d sent, with each of our memories written in gold. One by one, Frankie added them to the ivy strands on the piano.
“I wish you were here,” she said when she’d finished.
“We wish you were here too,” I said.
“Break a leg tonight,” she said.
“We will!” we all answered, and then we waved good-bye.
Penny gathered us for a pre-show prayer before we went out to the moonlit stages.
“Sadie, will you pray for us?” she asked.
Goosebumps prickled across my skin as I nodded. I’d never prayed out loud for the group before. We all closed our eyes.
“God, you are with us always — when we know you’re there, and when we forget. Thank you. Please be with us tonight, too, as we tell your story. Help us to be giving and loving and to always seek the truth. In your name …”
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