by R. J. Lewis
Reaper still thought he didn’t know.
Dillinger smirked darkly at him.
Dillinger knew Olivia wasn’t his, but that never made a difference.
He was just looking for a kid on the street to save.
Jaxon & Sara
Thirty- Five
SARA
I had wondered for a long time since the night I had escaped Remy if I would forever feel like a treacherous snake for what I had done. I remembered the pain and the guilt that acted like a noose around my neck. That deceit couldn’t be forgotten, and I still cringed when I thought about it.
I could hardly look a Jackal in the eye every time I crossed paths with one. Their enraged eyes followed me as the years went on. I was a traitor. Not just a traitor, but the traitor. Never to be trusted. Never to be respected. I was the bitch that destroyed an important man’s life and twisted apart a club that had once been a family.
Who knew one woman could be at fault for so much?
But I had never asked for any of that to happen. I never wanted him to want me, and the more I thought about those days, the more I realized he never really wanted me either. I had been Remy’s life jacket somehow. He clung to me because I served a purpose to him. He was haunted and alone, and I had represented hope to him. I didn’t know what the hope was for, but I knew I’d failed.
We may have shared something. We may have loved each other in a twisted sort of way. To this day, I couldn’t be certain any of it was real. Sometimes there was an ache within me, one that missed him and wondered about his happiness. When you cared for someone, you wanted the best for them. And despite the hard and dangerous man he was, I still hoped he would find his way.
I was with my soulmate, and we had grown throughout the years since the fall. Jaxon was everything to me. He was the man I knew I would grow old with; the man that offered light in the dark; the man that loved me unconditionally in a way no other man could.
But still, I was troubled. I needed peace. I needed to heal.
I needed to know if he was okay.
Then maybe…I don’t know, maybe I’d be whole again.
JAXON
Jaxon felt her fingertip tracing along the tail of his Scorpion tattoo. He stirred awake, opening his eyes slowly, watching her in the dark as she curled against his side. Her warmth leeched into him, flesh against flesh. He loved the feel of her naked body by his side. He’d never taken it for granted a single moment since they started over together.
Glancing at the clock on the night stand, he read 3:36am.
“You alright, Tiny?” he asked in a whisper.
Her finger paused against his flesh for a moment, and then she answered, “Yeah, Jaxon. I’m good.”
He didn’t buy that for a second. “What’s the matter, babe? You’ve been up like this every night for a whole week straight now.”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?” He felt her head shake against his chest. “Don’t lie to me, Sara.”
She sighed softly. “Nightmares, Jaxon. That’s all.”
He frowned. She hadn’t had nightmares in a very long time. Usually something had to have happened to spark them. He turned his head to her, wondering if he had missed a date that might have reminded her of the past. He couldn’t think of one.
“What’s going on?” he pressed again, gently.
“I’m happy,” she replied. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”
“And?”
“And I keep waiting for something bad to happen. Sometimes I think it’s all too good to be true. Someone’s working behind the scenes, getting ready to destroy everything. I can’t let go of the shaking feeling that it’s not over.”
“It’s been over five years,” he said. “If someone wanted to destroy what we have, I’d take care of it. You know that.”
“That’s what scares me.”
Jaxon didn’t respond for a moment. He knew what she desperately wanted. He wanted it too.
Freedom.
He didn’t want to have to do the dirty. He wanted to be straight with the law too. He was on that path, and he had made a promise to Sara the day Lucy was born that he’d try to turn the club around and change things. It wasn’t going to be instant, and it was going to take a lot of work and time, but it was going to happen.
“Our lives are different now,” she added, concern thick in her voice. “We have a daughter. We’re a little family and who knows, maybe one day we’ll grow that family. I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder every single day wondering who my enemies are. God knows the Jackals already loathe me, and I can’t stand to be near them with Lucy around. Not that they would ever do something to her, but she’s going to grow up learning the reasons why I’m hated.”
“You act like you’re at fault for what happened.”
“Sometimes I wonder if I am.”
Jaxon scoffed, unable to contain that tiny bit of rage he felt about that part of her past. “Let’s not forget that it was against your will, Sara. The Jackals are looking for somebody to blame, and it’s only convenient it be you because they allowed you into their home and you walked away in the end. When the dust settled, it was his choice to leave. He lost, and I know it was his pride that drove him out.”
“Maybe it was his heart.” Her words were so quiet, he almost didn’t catch them.
Bitterly, he retorted, “I don’t care.” He didn’t. And frankly, he had no patience talking about Remy. That piece of shit deserved to rot wherever he was, and Jaxon secretly hoped it was in some half-dug hole somewhere.
“He stole you from me,” he went on to say. “He got to touch you while I burned alone. As far as I’m concerned, a man like him has no heart.”
“Maybe you’re wrong,” she replied, moving her fingertips back over his tattoo. “People do crazy things for the wrong reasons, and in those moments, when they’re clouded by their anguish, they think what they’re doing is right.”
“Why do you keep humanizing him?”
“Because I saw things in him you didn’t.”
“He brainwashed you.”
She withdrew her hand and pulled away from him. Jaxon sighed, knowing he’d upset her. She sat up and rested her back against the headboard, staring outside the window with a faraway look on her face.
“Sara…” he started softly.
She shook her head once. “You don’t get it, Jaxon. You just don’t.”
“Get what?”
“Him.”
He frowned. “I shouldn’t have to want to understand the man responsible for so much pain. Like I said, he stole you from me, and he’s still driving a wedge between us four years later. When will you let him go?”
She didn’t respond, and Jaxon’s chest constricted. He remembered how hopeless he felt back then, not knowing if she had fallen for that asshole and tried moving on from him. And now, when he needed reassurance that he was still the one, she wasn’t answering.
“Who owns your heart?” he asked, his voice low and demanding. “Answer me, Tiny, who the fuck owns your heart?”
She looked at him, her sad eyes cutting holes into his chest. “You do,” she whispered.
“Who do you love?”
“You.”
“Are you happy?”
“Yes.”
“That’s all that matters.”
She nodded slowly, but even he could see she was battling something deep inside her. It had been like this sometimes. She would go quiet and withdraw from him, from Lucy, from everyone, for days. He always knew it had something to do with Remy, but Jaxon’s maddening love for Sara gave him enough patience to deal with it. He wanted her just as fiercely, if not more, as time passed. He’d never looked at another woman again. But this…this was a battle he wasn’t winning. Remy was like a shadow, following them around in plain sight.
He couldn’t do it anymore.
He…couldn’t handle the pain anymore.
“I wonder,” he said softly, “how it would feel if
the tables were turned. I wonder if I withdrew from you, thinking of a different girl, a girl I still held inside of me, how you would cope with the jealousy and pain that comes along with it. Would you understand me then? Is that the only way you’d know, even if it was a little bit, how it feels? It’s tough, Sara. I still must convince myself at times I’m it for you. That you never made a mistake when you decided to leave him for me. I’m fucking scarred, Tiny. It’s like a weight around my heart, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Her heart slowed, and her breaths went light as she listened to him. Then she climbed on top of him and kissed him fiercely. He tasted her urgency, her tears, her lust and love for him all at once. The taste of her eased him, and he relaxed under her, wrapping his strong arms around her waist.
“Jaxon,” she said contritely, “I don’t want to hurt you. I hate what you’re feeling. I’m sorry for everything I put you through. It’s only you. You know that.”
“So what is it then?” he asked thickly.
The battle in her eyes returned. She looked anguished.
“I drove him out,” she said, hesitantly. “I killed a part of him, Jaxon, and that’s what hurts. The guilt of it. It’s so deep inside me, and it hasn’t lessened one bit. I feel like I just want to make it right again, but I don’t know how. We don’t even know where he is, and the uncertainty of that, of not knowing if I’ll ever be able to release this heavy part of me, the part that’s been weighing me down all this time, that’s what hurts the most.”
He nodded slowly, considering her words instead of brushing them off. She had never told him any of this. She’d never opened to him about Remy after they’d moved on, and Jaxon wasn’t going to fuck this up.
“Talk to me, Tiny,” he urged her softly. “I’m listening.”
She sighed, a tear falling from her eye and landing on his cheek. “He thought I chose him, Jaxon. That night…that night I ran to you, he thought I chose him. He fell to the floor and hugged me, thinking it was over and I was his. Every time I think of that moment I…I wish I’d done it differently.”
Jaxon brushed the next tear from her face. “I understand, babe. It couldn’t have been easy.”
“I just didn’t know another way, Jaxon.”
“In that moment, there wasn’t.”
“I devastated you. I devastated him. I’ve got this track record now of hurting people that cared for me. It makes me want to go back and start all over again. It breaks me that I can’t.”
“Hey,” he took her by the chin and angled her face back to his, so she was staring right at him. “I wouldn’t have changed a damn thing, Sara. Not a damn thing.”
“But everything I did –”
“It led us here, in this bed, together.”
He felt her relax against him just then, like it helped that she’d unloaded her heart to him, no matter how difficult it was to hear. She sagged against him again and he held her to him. This was what she needed. Support. And he wasn’t going to take that from her, no matter how hard it was for him to hear about Remy. He had never moved on from that fucker. The wounds were still fresh, but unlike Sara, he wasn’t trying to close them up. He wanted to feel the rage. He needed it to fuel him and do the unspeakable things that came with the title of president.
He never wanted to forgive him.
No matter what happened in his life to make him the way he was, Remy couldn’t be redeemed.
Thirty-Six
Sara
I woke up to a kiss on the lips. I stirred, opening my eyes to take in Jaxon. I smiled at him and the tiny figure he was holding in his arms. He brought Lucy down and she placed a wet kiss on my face.
“Morning, babe, time to get that sexy little bum up,” he said, settling Lucy down on the bed next to me. She stood up on the mattress and jumped up and down, reminding me just how energetic a three-year-old was.
Sitting up, I tried settling her, and then I gave up because that was like asking water not to be wet. I watched Jaxon dress instead. He was in nothing but his briefs, walking around the room in search of his clothes.
“In the laundry basket,” I directed him.
He grabbed the basket on the dresser filled with clothes and dug around for his pair of jeans.
“Sorry for not folding it away,” I said. “I got caught up with things to do yesterday. Lucy had ballet and then your mom stopped by.”
Jaxon paused to give me an annoyed look. “Why are you apologizing, Sara? It’s not a big deal.”
I shrugged. “I’m a house mommy. This shit’s my responsibility.”
“Your responsibility is making sure our offspring” – he pointedly looked at Lucy rolling around the bed like a caveman – “is nice and fed, and judging by all her rolls, I’d say you’re doing your job well.”
I laughed. “When you say it like that…”
He found his jeans and threw them on, pulling them up and around his sexy hips. He was still in excellent shape, not that I expected him to gain fifty pounds or anything, but I thought being president of the Scorpions meant he’d be too occupied to hit the gym. That sexy V proved me wrong, of course. He was still working out, still getting bigger with every year that passed by. This man was only getting better looking with age.
I sat there, mesmerized and warm everywhere, my eyes trailing his abdomen and bulging biceps. It wasn’t wrong to stare at what was mine, and dear god, I never let myself forget it.
“How did I get you?” I blurted out.
He threw an amused look my way. “Back to this already?”
“What do you mean already?”
Chuckling, he threw his white tee on, answering, “You go through stages. First stage, you watch me like you are right now, getting all hot and bothered for me.” I rolled my eyes. “Stage two, you let me touch your ass and tits without batting my hand away.”
“Language,” I scolded, biting back a smile. “Our daughter can hear you.”
Dubious, he looked at Lucy, humming to herself now as she pulled the covers over her, lost in her own little world. She was a special kind of special.
“Third stage,” he continued, climbing over the bed and to me, his blue eyes lit with mischief, “you start to dress all skimpily. Short skirts, tiny shorts, shirts that barely cover your stomach, you name it. You wear it, and when I’m around, you find excuses to bend over, flaunting your ass in my face because you know how crazy hot it makes me to see you like that.”
“You’re delusional.”
“But I’m right.”
I looked away. “I will neither confirm nor deny.”
He brought his face to mine and brushed his lips against my cheek. My eyes fluttered shut as he kissed me softly and slowly, closing in on my mouth. “Fourth stage, you beg.”
I opened my heavy eyelids. “I beg?” I whispered, feeling warmth between my legs.
He nodded, solemnly, whispering huskily in my ear, “Yes, Tiny, you beg. You’re so malleable in those moments, I could make you do anything. You let me touch you, kiss you, take you up against the wall, the floor, the bonnet of my car, you name it, and you always scream for more. Always.”
I was bright red when he finally pulled away to look at me. Noticing his effect on me, he chuckled. I had to push him away the second that cocky look took place, but even when he was about to slide off the bed, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and forced him back to me.
I kissed him hard, no tongue or softness in my movements. I kissed him possessively, reminding him that he was mine and he completed me. That last night was just a moment of weakness on my part. That Remy was the past and he needed to stay that way.
There was an apology in that kiss, and Jaxon knew it. He kissed me back, angling my head with his hand as he took control, leaving me breathless.
Then he smugly pulled away again and grabbed his patch from the closet. Sliding it on, he ran his hand through his messy hair once and then walked out the door, tossing back, “Pancakes will be ready for Lucy in twenty. Be
down there, hot stuff.”
I smiled like an idiot, feeling giddy, last night’s awful breakdown vacant from my mind and heart.
For now.
I was in the shower when Jaxon called from the bedroom door. I shut off the water and hurried out, slipping the towel around my body.
“What was that?” I asked, stepping out.
Jaxon was slipping on his shoes, repeating, “Lucy’s fed and watching some pony show on the television. I’m heading out for work –” He turned to look at me and his words died off. His eyes slowly burned a path down my body. “Fucking hell, Sara,” he cursed, irritated. “Why do you have to tempt me all the time? Couldn’t you have stayed in the bathroom? You know I’m late.”
“I’m in a towel,” I argued, suppressing a smile. “I’m not trying to tempt you, Jaxon. I could be wearing a garbage bag and you’d still find an excuse to touch me.”
He smirked, his eyes glowing with mischief. “You can’t blame me for having a smoking hot wife, Tiny.”
I was about to make a smartass remark when he moved to me, that smile of his bunched to one corner, the dimple on his one cheek deep and sexy.
I tightened the towel around me and shot him a scolding look. “Not now.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know that look.”
“What look?”
“That look in your eye. I just showered your sweat off me from last night.”
He tucked his bottom lip under his teeth and raised his brows. “Did you wash the… other parts of me off too, babe?”
I turned my face away when he leaned in to kiss me and suppressed a smile. “Yeah, I did.”
His lips grazed against my cheek. “You know that makes me want to mark you all over again, right?”
His hand grabbed at my ass, and he pulled me closer to him, until I was flush against his large body. I felt his breaths against my face and the wet slide of his tongue along my cheek. I shook a little, my eyes fluttering shut as he worked his magic on me again.