The Rest of My Life

by Sheryl Browne

  ‘I don’t actually.’ Sienna looked po-faced.

  Good sign? Might she be jealous? Adam wasn’t sure. ‘Then she’s standing at the bar, ordering a drink, and she presses a note into my hand: Car park. Two minutes.’

  ‘And you went?’ Sienna’s eyes were agog again.

  ‘Wouldn’t you?’

  ‘No!’ She was back to po-faced.

  Adam chuckled. ‘Do you want me to tell you about this, or not?’

  Sienna pulled herself up and tried to look less affronted. ‘Yes, go on.’

  ‘At your request, my lady.’ Adam dipped his head reverently. ‘I must admit I did debate, for a second. Her husband was sitting at the table, so—’

  ‘Her husband was there?’ The wide eyes were back.

  ‘Engrossed in the football on the flat screen TV,’ Adam replied. ‘But I thought, why not? She obviously wanted to.’

  ‘Obviously,’ Sienna said, followed by an audible humph.

  Adam hid a smile. ‘So I waited two minutes and then followed her out.’

  ‘I can’t believe you were willing to take the risk with her husband sitting in the bar. Or her.’ Sienna shook her head, disbelieving.

  ‘Me neither. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have, but—’

  ‘Too tempting?’ Sienna arched an eyebrow.

  Adam smiled. ‘Extremely.’

  ‘Oh.’ Sienna’s eyes dropped back to her notepad. ‘And was she worth the risk?’ she asked, running the tip of her tongue over her lips, as she looked back at him. Adam seriously wished she wouldn’t.

  ‘Yes,’ he confirmed, awkwardly. ‘Like I said, it had been a while.’

  Sienna nodded, and coughed. ‘How did you, um …? Where did you …? Ahem. I presume you didn’t actually do it in the car park?’

  ‘Erm, actually we did. I was drinking. I’d left my car at home, so it was the car park or nothing.’

  ‘Not in her car then?’

  ‘Well, I did consider asking her old man for his car keys, but somehow I didn’t think he’d be very obliging,’ Adam joked. Then wished he hadn’t.

  Sienna didn’t look any better impressed. ‘So you followed her out, then what?’

  Adam narrowed his eyes, regarding her curiously. ‘You want details?’ he asked warily.

  ‘Not a blow by blow account,’ Sienna assured him, her cheeks colouring up again.

  Thank God for that. Adam trailed his hand over his neck. Talking dirty to Sienna might be a bit of a turn on, but only if he was talking about what he’d like to do with her.

  ‘Tell me how you felt,’ she went on. ‘What you were thinking.’

  Adam furrowed his brow. ‘Thinking?’ He hadn’t thought much about what he thought while he was having sex. He scratched his head, feeling now definitely self-conscious. ‘I was terrified,’ he said, glancing back at her. ‘Turned on by the illicit thrill of it, but scared, absolutely.’

  ‘Of getting caught?’

  ‘Some.’ Adam hesitated. ‘But more of, erm, not performing well.’

  ‘Ah, a man’s ego thing.’ Sienna nodded understandingly.

  Adam met her eyes. ‘More a my ego thing. It got damaged somewhere along the way,’ he admitted, and couldn’t quite believe he had. She was certainly her father’s daughter, he decided, a psychiatrist in the making. He doubted he would admit that to any other woman.

  Sienna studied him. Her expression was thoughtful, puzzled. And well she might be. He was a puzzle to himself most of the time. ‘Tell me what you thought,’ she pressed him. ‘What you were thinking while you made love to her?’

  Adam sighed inwardly. Made love? If only she knew that he hadn’t, not in a very long time, until her. ‘That she was pretty,’ he said. ‘That her mouth was kissable,’ he went on, honestly, but cautiously, ‘that I wanted to push my tongue into it, stroke her breasts; taste her.’ Leaving out his distinctly remembered thoughts around biting and sucking, he paused, watching Sienna carefully. She blushed, but her gaze didn’t flinch. ‘That I needed to make love to her from behind.’

  Sienna’s eyes pinged wide. ‘Behind? Why?’ she asked, now clearly shocked.

  ‘We were in the pub car park,’ he reminded her. ‘There were cows in the field beyond. The grass was wet. The ground was wet. There was a brick wall behind her. I didn’t want her to graze her back, so …’ He stopped, shrugging apologetically as she continued to stare at him. ‘You did ask.’

  Sienna scanned his face, her head cocked prettily to one side. ‘You’re an enigma, Adam,’ she said, after a pause. ‘Do you know that?’

  ‘There’s a coincidence.’ Adam smiled, holding her gaze. ‘I’ve been thinking the very same thing about you.’ He had been too. She was a gorgeous, baffling enigma, and, right then, he desperately wanted to make sweet, meaningful love to her.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ Sienna shifted awkwardly in her seat. ‘You don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to.’

  Adam nodded hesitantly. ‘Ask away,’ he said, praying it wasn’t anything too invasive.

  ‘What were you thinking when you made love to me?’

  Adam swallowed. ‘That I very much wanted to,’ he said softly. ‘But most of all that I didn’t want to hurt you.’

  Sienna searched his eyes. Hers were glassy, wide, disbelieving, beautiful. She was beautiful, every distracting, delicious inch of her. She glanced down, then back, a smile playing at her too tempting lips. ‘So how was the, um, car park performance?’ she asked as Adam continued to drink her in, wishing he could watch her all day and all night. Lie next to her while she was sleeping. Listen to her breathing; feel her heart beating.

  ‘Ah,’ he said, smiling awkwardly. ‘Cut short, unfortunately. Guess you could call it a case of premature interjection. The landlord postponed emptying his bin in favour of punching my lights out.’

  ‘Oh, no.’ Sienna blinked at him, aghast. ‘He knocked you out?’

  ‘I definitely saw stars. No permanent damage, though, much to some people’s disappointment.’

  ‘What did you do?’ Sienna asked, a concerned little ‘v’ furrowing her brow.

  ‘Nothing.’ Adam shrugged. ‘Apart from the fact the guy’s a hell of a lot heavier than me, I figured I’d got what I deserved. The husband’s a regular, a friend of his, so …’

  ‘But weren’t you upset?’ Sienna asked, incredulous. ‘Angry? It wasn’t his battle to fight, after all, was it?’

  ‘Not angry, no. I was bloody sore. Feeling guilty, because of the consequences for her, but not angry,’ Adam confessed. ‘So, did that do it for you?’ he added quickly, before they got onto the subject of guilt, one he really didn’t want to explore his feelings around.

  ‘Sorry?’ Sienna said distractedly, her eyes locked on his.

  ‘Your notes,’ he said, searching her face, wondering how long it would take him to kiss every freckle, ‘you haven’t written many.’

  ‘I’ve committed it to memory,’ she said, her gaze travelling to his lips. ‘And I can always pop by if I need you to, um …’ She smiled uncertainly, and leaned towards him.

  ‘Clarify anything?’ Adam took her cue and moved closer.

  ‘Demonstrate,’ Sienna breathed. And Adam was drawn, like a magnet. He wanted to feel her warm breath on his face, her tantalising tongue in his mouth. He wanted to hold her. Caress her. Be with her.

  ‘Hell!’ His lips a millimetre from hers, he moved faster than he’d ever done in his life.

  ‘Anybody home?’ Nathaniel called, banging the door wide.

  ‘Thanks, Adam,’ Sienna said cheerily, heading swiftly up the steps to leave Adam under Nathaniel’s suspicious scrutiny.

  ‘Discussing engines, my eye,’ she heard Nathaniel say behind her. ‘Do you really expect me to believe you were discussing the intricacies of your turbocharger?’

  ‘Injector,’ Adam corrected him. ‘She’s into mechanics, what can I say?’

  ‘I gathered, Heaven help her,’ Nathaniel’s voice drifted after her as Sienn
a flew mortified back to the cottage.

  She was still all hot flush and fluster as she tiptoed inside, to be greeted by Tobias bounding gleefully towards her. ‘Hello, sweetie.’ She bent to plant a kiss on the top of her faithful friend’s head, and couldn’t help wishing it was Adam’s hot sensual mouth instead. That he’d rock his flipping boat with her in it. Oh God, she groaned quietly as her insides turned once again to gloop. She wanted him, any which way and anywhere. Did he want her? He’d admitted he’d had a bad experience. That his ego had suffered. That must have taken a certain amount of courage, and it was definitely progress. At least he’d opened up a little. He’d clearly been struggling, but he had talked, and it was plain to see he wasn’t the couldn’t-care-less Lothario everyone thought he was, expected him to be. He cared about women. It was obvious he did. He’d just erected a fortress around his fragile heart, that was all.

  She still wasn’t sure whether he wanted to take things further, though. He’d been going to kiss her. His gaze on hers, uncertainty this time in his eyes, he’d been going to press his beautiful warm lips against hers. Would they have done more than kiss? Would she have allowed him to? And, if she had, would he have walked away again when he’d finished? Sienna thought not, but … She just wasn’t sure.

  He’d said he was trying to clean up his act. That he was beginning to think soulless sex was no good for the soul. That he had preferred no strings. He wouldn’t have said those things to try to seduce her into bed when she’d already leapt gaily into it with him, would he? He’d said he hadn’t wanted to hurt her. She swallowed back a tight lump of emotion.

  He cared about her. He did. She cared about him, too. She more than liked him, possibly even loved him. Sienna felt it again, that little flutter in her chest whenever she thought about him. Foolish it might be – he obviously had issues – but she couldn’t help it. Her heart had soaked him up like it was wet cotton wool. She wanted to make love with him, again and again. She’d wanted him to kiss her, not because she’d compromised him, but because he wanted to. She wanted to feel his mouth hot on hers, his hands on her body, exploring, touching her so exquisitely tenderly, so passionately.

  What she also wanted though, she conceded, as her heart dipped in conjunction with her constantly clenching pelvis, was Adam to do cuddles. To hold her afterwards. Yes, to bask in the afterglow, although it sounded corny. She wanted him to spoon her with his hard body; she wanted to lie satiated in his arms, limbs entwined, until they were almost as one. Could a man who was broken, a man who drank to excess and had affairs with other men’s wives ever really do that, though? Could he ever be faithful to one woman?

  She contemplated this as she climbed the stairs, meeting Lauren coming out of the bathroom as she did, who was wearing a scowl, gone-to-bed hair, and not a lot else. ‘Where on earth have you been?’ she asked, looking Sienna up and down accusingly.

  ‘With Adam.’ Sienna squared her shoulders defiantly.

  Lauren balked. ‘Adam?’

  ‘Talking, Lauren,’ Sienna said, miffed at the assumption that anyone who went near Adam would fall prey to his sexual depravities. Not that he had any sexual depravities she was aware of. ‘And, no, he didn’t charge for it.’ She thought she’d get that droll witticism in before Lauren did.

  ‘Yes, well, he obviously doesn’t do verbal intercourse quite as well, does he? He’s more wham-bam, yes I do take credit cards, ma’am.’ Lauren settled on another equally droll quip.

  ‘Stop it, Lauren.’ Sienna sighed. She really was getting fed up with people taking every opportunity to thrust Adam’s womanising in her face. She knew. Not being completely cerebrally challenged, Sienna was well aware he might just be that way inclined, it was the old nature versus nurture conundrum, but still, she didn’t need reminding of his shortcomings every two seconds. ‘I’ve told you he has some issues to work through.’

  ‘What, shagging every woman he meets?’ Lauren chose a more barbed unwitty remark this time.

  ‘He doesn’t!’ Sienna snapped, bypassing Lauren for her bedroom, where she could ponder Adam and his issues in peace, assuming she could stop fantasising about him and his body for five consecutive minutes.

  ‘For God’s sake, Sienna.’ Lauren sighed exasperatedly behind her. ‘I know you’re infatuated with the man, but open your eyes, will you?’

  ‘They are open.’ Sienna gave her a blinky-eyed demo over her shoulder. ‘I’m well aware he’s bedded a string of women, Lauren. It doesn’t mean he’s on a mission to bed the entire female race.’

  ‘Right, so assuming it’s only the bazillion or so fool enough to fall for his charms, what does this indicate, Sienna?’ Lauren wouldn’t let it drop. ‘That he either loves women or he hates them, as far as I can see. Either way, he’s addicted to sex, isn’t he? He’s at it at every opportunity. You know very well he is.’

  ‘Unlike some,’ Sienna observed, glancing archly over her shoulder at her minuscule bra and knickers clad friend and then back to Lauren’s open bedroom door. ‘Hi, Josh,’ she greeted the blushing boyfriend in Lauren’s bed and walked on.

  ‘He’s bad news, Sienna,’ Lauren pointed out, yet again. ‘That’s all I’m saying.’

  ‘Yes, I know!’ Sienna closed her own bedroom door and leaned back against it.

  Of course she knew. She wasn’t blind or stupid. She was aware he might be incurably broken. But try as everyone might to force the ‘bad news’ point home, she didn’t truly believe it, not deep down, not after hearing him talk tonight, after seeing his tenderness, albeit sandwiched between anger and abruptness. And hadn’t he had every right to be angry with her that first time? Even then his lovemaking hadn’t been unfeeling or abrupt, anything but. He hadn’t tried to force her to do anything she hadn’t wanted to do, unlike the bastard boyfriend who’d texted her yet again this evening, five times: Please text me back. I’m desperate. I love you. Have you found someone else? Is he good in bed?

  He quite plainly had issues. Sienna closed her eyes, nausea churning inside her. She could still smell it, his drunken breath on her face, see the contempt in his eyes. He’d had no qualms about driving under the influence. A supposedly respectable man, a trainee solicitor, he’d had no qualms about groping her in the car either, pushing her down, insisting that he’d waited long enough. He’d been cruel, unkind and uncaring. He’d had no concerns about hurting her. He had hurt her.

  Adam had not!

  What Adam had done was confirm what she knew to be true but couldn’t quite make herself believe: that there was nothing wrong with her. He was a caring person, Sienna knew it. She pondered his comment about abstaining from sex for ‘quite a while’. That had to be something to do with the awful nightmare of finding his fiancée in bed with his own brother. And then there was a child! What happened, she wondered. Where was that child now? Where was his fiancée? Sienna had no idea, nor would she ever, unless Adam felt confident enough to tell her. To trust her.

  He might not want to. He might prefer to stay as he was. He might hate women. It was possible. Sienna didn’t believe that though, not after the way he’d been with her. Wasn’t it more likely that he was choosing women who were already committed, precisely because they were? Moving on whenever his emotions were in danger of becoming embroiled? As far as she could see Adam seemed to be abstaining still from normal loving relationships, because he’d had his heart so badly broken and couldn’t risk that kind of pain again.

  Now he was ‘trying to clean up his act’, which surely counted for something. He’d cut back his drinking, too. He hadn’t had a single one today, Sienna could vouch for that. She wished other people would at least give him a chance, instead of assuming he was bad news, through and through.

  Sighing, she headed to the window. His boat was rocking, but that was because Adam had obviously just climbed on top of it. He was lying on his back, his head resting on his hands, quietly contemplating the stars. Would a man who was emotionally disconnected do that?

  Chapter Tenr />
  Adam was pulling on his trainers when his phone rang. Hoping it was the returned call he’d been waiting for, he jumped to his feet and almost fell over his laces in his rush to grab up the phone. ‘Nicole?’ he said, seizing on it before his voicemail picked up.

  ‘Yes, hi, Adam. Sorry I didn’t get back. Phil has been tied up running a training course abroad and I needed to talk to him properly before I spoke to you.’

  Adam pulled in a tight breath. ‘And?’

  Nicole paused before answering, causing a trickle of apprehension to run the length of his spine. ‘You can see her tomorrow,’ she finally said.

  Yes! Adam allowed himself to breathe out.

  ‘But a short visit only, Adam,’ Nicole reminded him. ‘Lily’s shy of strangers, so we need to take things slowly. We’ll see how it goes from there, yes?’

  The ‘stranger’ comment hit home. Adam swallowed back a mixture of guilt and trepidation. Now it was actually going to happen he was suddenly more nervous about meeting this particular little lady than he’d ever been about meeting any other female in his life. ‘Yes, no problem,’ he assured Nicole.

  Lily-Grace’s interests were paramount here. They simply had to be. However it worked out, Adam had made a promise to himself: he would keep in touch. If it went badly, maybe he could try again when she was older. When she could understand a little more and learn to accept him. Hopefully, even to like him. ‘Should I bring anything?’ he asked, wondering what on earth a man did bring a two-year-old child.

  ‘Just yourself. Twelve o’clock, if that’s okay with you. That gives me a chance to get some shopping before I pick her up from Mum’s,’ Nicole said over a timely yawn, reminding Adam she’d probably just got back from her shift. She was still nursing, then. It couldn’t have been easy for her, taking on Lily-Grace with her own two children already at school. But then, in the absence of any other available parent, she’d had no choice. Adam’s guilt multiplied threefold.

  ‘Twelve it is.’ He nodded, determined to try to do this right.