The Rest of My Life

by Sheryl Browne

  Adam went nervously through the chandlery and into Nathaniel’s office, not sure what to expect. Two not-so-polite requests to do the decent thing and disappear, he supposed. He glanced to where Nathaniel was sitting at his desk, arms folded, pointedly not looking at him and not saying anything, which spoke volumes.

  Sienna’s dad was at the window, his hands in his pockets and his back towards him. Even from where he was standing, Adam could feel the distinctly hostile vibes. Uncertain what to do next, he swallowed and waited. Then dragged a hand through his hair and waited some more. If one of them didn’t say something soon, neither of them would have to go to the trouble of decking him. Feeling as ill as he did, Adam was pretty sure he’d pass out where he stood.

  ‘You’d better sit down,’ Nathaniel finally spoke.

  Wary of what might be about to happen, Adam had a feeling he might need to. Keeping an eye on Sienna’s father as he did, he walked over to the visitor’s chair. If the man was going to hit him, he would only need to do it once. Adam was in no position to fight back, that was for sure. Sweat tickling his forehead, he sat down, wiped the palms of his hands against his thighs and continued to wait.

  Nathaniel did look at him then. Shaking his head, he leaned back in his chair and just looked, wearing that same dispassionate expression he had earlier, which only increased Adam’s nervousness further.

  ‘You’ve got bottle, turning up, I’ll give you that,’ David Meadows spoke eventually, without turning around.

  Feeling an agreement wouldn’t be an appropriate response, Adam kept quiet.

  ‘David Meadows,’ the man reminded him, after another uncomfortable pause. ‘Sienna’s father, I assume you’ve remembered?’

  Pleased to meet you also not being quite the correct response, Adam coughed and mumbled, ‘Yes,’ instead.

  The man turned to face him at last, looking him over before locking furious eyes on his. ‘Start talking!’ he barked suddenly, causing Adam to almost have apoplexy.

  Start talking where? He tried to quash his rising panic.

  ‘Well, come on then, Romeo. We’ve had the ineloquent balcony scene, let’s have the story behind it, shall we?’ Meadows said, more quietly, which really wasn’t any less intimidating.

  Adam glanced desperately at Nathaniel, who shrugged and gave him nothing in the way of guidance.

  ‘Struck dumb, are we, lad!’ Meadows boomed.

  Shit! ‘I, erm …’ Adam ran his hand over his neck, no clue what to say.

  ‘Thirsty possibly? Need a hair o’ the dog to cure your hangover and give you some Dutch courage?’

  ‘No!’ Adam said quickly. ‘No, I don’t,’ he added, more quietly. ‘I shouldn’t have … That was stupid.’

  David Meadows arched an eyebrow.

  Adam thought better of commenting further.

  ‘Right, well, as you seem at a loss where to start, I’ll get the ball rolling then, shall I?’ Meadows didn’t wait for an answer. ‘I won’t ask what your intentions are. It’s quite clear from what I’ve heard so far, from your friend,’ he glanced at Nathaniel, ‘and your fan club around town, you don’t have any; friends or intentions.’

  Adam pulled in a breath. He didn’t look at Nathaniel. They’d obviously been discussing him. Fair enough, after his idiotic behaviour, but if Nate had told this bloke what he thought of him, he really had washed his hands of him. That hurt.

  ‘You let your balls rule your brain and fuck everything up, don’t you, Adam?’

  Adam winced. ‘Pretty much.’

  Meadows folded his arms. ‘I’m told you had a devastating experience a while back,’ he said, left-winging Adam completely. ‘One which apparently set you off on this immature path of destruction.’

  Astonished, Adam did look at Nathaniel then, a long quizzical look. How much of his history had he felt at liberty to discuss, exactly?

  ‘Don’t worry, he didn’t give me details,’ Meadows went on. ‘Apparently, he respects your wishes that you’d rather he didn’t.’

  Adam nodded, immensely relieved. He’d stand still while Nathaniel took a pop at him. Several. He ought to. That wouldn’t hurt as much as knowing the one person he’d always trusted had broken that trust.

  ‘So, I’m going to ask you to provide details instead, Adam. You’ve got one chance to convince me there’s a shred of decency in you, assuming you want to. This is it. Convince me.’

  What? Adam’s stomach clenched like a fist. He looked incredulously from Meadows to Nathaniel and back. Was he serious? A psychiatrist he might be, but did he really expect him to confide something he’d tried to block out every day since it happened? Just trot it out? Something he couldn’t even think about without feeling as if someone had ripped his guts out? Something he couldn’t talk about? Nathaniel knew he couldn’t. Swallowing back a hard lump in his throat, Adam shook his head. ‘I can’t.’

  Meadows considered. ‘Right,’ he said. ‘In which case, please don’t try to see Sienna again, because from what I do know about you, you’re a self-centred little shit who’ll destroy her life. Goodbye, Adam. Nathaniel, Sienna and I will be leaving in half an hour.’

  Adam sucked in a long breath as Meadows walked towards the door. ‘Wait!’ he said, panic gripping him as the man reached for the door handle.

  Meadows turned slowly back.

  Adam looked at him and then down. ‘My fiancée … she …’ he started falteringly.

  ‘You were due to be married?’ Meadows sounded incredulous.

  Adam hesitated. ‘Yes.’

  ‘And?’

  Again Adam faltered, not sure where to even begin explaining.

  ‘Let me guess, you got cold feet?’ Meadows now sounded unimpressed.

  ‘No,’ Adam denied quickly. ‘Yes. No, I …’ Stammering, he stopped and wiped a bead of perspiration from his cheek.

  Meadows waited.

  ‘Not about marrying her, no,’ Adam went on, though the words were threatening to choke him. ‘About the wedding. My family, the property we’d be living in. I did want to marry her. I just …’ Trailing hopelessly off, he tugged in another tight breath.

  ‘So, what happened?’ Meadows forced it.

  ‘We argued.’ Adam breathed raggedly out. ‘Kept arguing. Couldn’t seem to talk without arguing eventually. We were at a family function and …’

  ‘You argued,’ Meadows supplied as Adam trailed off again.

  Adam nodded, trying hard to still the pictures in his head. ‘Emily. She and my brother, they …’ He paused, and breathed. ‘She … got pregnant, somewhere along the line. I …’

  Dragging an arm across his forehead, Adam felt compelled to glance up. She was here. His eyes flicked to the side of Meadows. Tangible, almost. He could see her; her form, her face, pale, mournful, her features etched with such sorrow it seared his very soul.

  Somehow sensing she wanted him to, Adam gulped back the jagged pieces of his heart and pushed on. ‘I didn’t know whether it was mine. I walked away. Ran away. Drank myself into oblivion. I …’ Shit, he couldn’t do this.

  Meadows was silent for a moment, then, ‘She had the baby?’ he asked softly.

  Adam answered with a tight nod.

  ‘And?’

  Adam ran a hand shakily through his hair. ‘I went to her flat. I wanted to talk, to see the baby, try to … She wasn’t there. She’d left, taken the baby. She…’ Again, he stopped, his voice cracking. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘She committed suicide,’ Nathaniel picked up, gently. ‘She’d been depressed. Adam found her. She’d booked into the hotel they often stayed at; the hotel where he’d proposed to her.’

  The ensuing silence was heavy, punctuated only by the tick of the office clock. Loud, ominous, it emulated precisely the sound that Adam could never shut out. He could hear it now. He’d never forget it, the steady, drip, drip, drip: a slow trickle of blood, staining the white bathroom tiles crimson.

  ‘The baby?’ Meadows asked after a moment, his voice low, shocked.

/>   ‘Safe,’ Nathaniel supplied, glancing at Adam.

  Adam didn’t speak. He couldn’t. Seeing in his mind’s eye the tiny form of Lily-Grace, little limbs flailing, lost and alone amid a sea of white bed linen, he felt something brush his cheek, soft, like a single snowflake. Emily. Adam wiped away a tear, wrapped his arms about himself and closed his eyes.

  Nathaniel offering him a glass of water snapped him back to the present, away from the baby’s bewildered cries, Emily’s lifeless form. ‘Take it,’ he said. ‘You’ll be dehydrated.’

  Blinking, Adam heaved himself up in the chair and took the glass. His hands were still shaking, he noticed vaguely, and then realised he was shaking all over.

  ‘Two more questions and then subject closed,’ Meadows said, more kindly.

  Adam swallowed and nodded.

  ‘Do you see the child?’

  Adam took a gulp of water. ‘I didn’t, no,’ he answered, struggling to keep his voice in check. ‘I was too messed up. I’ve been in touch recently. I’m hoping Emily’s sister will agree to me seeing her soon.’

  ‘Well done, Adam,’ Nathaniel offered, sounding surprised – and impressed for the first time in a long time.

  ‘Last question,’ Meadows went on. ‘Have you flitted from woman to woman ever since to avoid getting hurt, Adam, or is it some form of love ’em, leave ’em retribution?’

  Adam nodded again, realising it was a fair question. ‘The former,’ he replied honestly.

  Meadows paused, seeming to assess him. ‘Do you love Sienna?’

  Adam met his gaze. ‘For the rest of my life,’ he stated emphatically.

  Seemingly satisfied, Meadows nodded in turn and walked across to him. ‘I’ve taken some leave from work to be with my daughter. I’ll give you two weeks, Adam. Two weeks to show me you want a life worth living. But …’ He leaned forward to press his hands on the arms of the chair either side of him, ‘if you slip up …’

  Chapter Sixteen

  Watching nervously from her window, Sienna saw Adam emerge from the chandlery to walk towards his boat. His face was white and tight, that same angry expression he’d worn once before. He was dragging his hand repeatedly, agitatedly through his hair and his breathing was heavy. She should go to him. Go now and talk to him. Sienna pulled herself from the window to dash outside, just in time to see Adam swing towards the back of his boat, where he leaned over the water and was violently sick. Dear God, what had her dad said? What had he done?

  Sienna hovered, torn between going to see Adam, whatever reception she got, and going to tell her father to please, please go home and give her some space.

  ‘Sienna.’ Her dad came out just then, calling towards her.

  Sienna flew over to him. ‘What did you do?’ she demanded, glancing frustrated from her father to Nathaniel close behind him.

  ‘Do?’ Her dad looked at her, puzzled.

  ‘He’s been sick.’ Sienna flailed an arm in the direction of Adam’s boat, which he’d now disappeared into. ‘He looked absolutely dreadful. What did you say?’

  ‘Sienna, calm down.’ Her dad placed a hand on her shoulder. ‘I didn’t do or say anything dramatic. I just told him he needed to sort himself out, that’s all.’

  Sienna glanced warily from her dad to Nathaniel, who offered her a reassuring smile. ‘He’s just feeling a bit hung-over and emotional, Sienna. Give him—’

  Nathaniel stopped as a loud crash from inside Adam’s boat echoed across the marina, followed by a voluble expletive.

  Sienna took a step towards the boat, which was now most definitely swaying, only to be stopped by Nathaniel. ‘Give him some time, Sienna. He’s just trying to sort some things out in his head.’

  ‘What things?’ Sienna looked at Nathaniel imploringly. She needed to know. Surely he must know she did, for Adam’s sake, as well as her own. ‘Nate, what did you talk about?’

  Nathaniel looked at her thoughtfully, and then nodded. ‘Emily, amongst other things. That is, Adam did, for the first time. I’m not sure how much you know?’

  ‘I know,’ Sienna told him. Adam had never spoken the words, it was true, but she knew.

  ‘Adam found her,’ Nathaniel said gently, confirming the most awful detail. ‘He’s never been able to talk about it before. He’s bound to be overwrought. I’ll go and check on him when—’

  Nathaniel stopped again as Adam reappeared, his face still wearing the same thunderous expression, his chest heaving. He didn’t leap the handrail. He just stepped heavily down. Then, not even glancing in their direction, he walked away.

  ‘Any ideas?’ her dad asked coming up behind Nathaniel, as Adam stormed on out of the marina.

  Nathaniel sighed. ‘None, but he’s left his car wherever he was drinking last night, which means he’s on foot. I hope he’s not heading for a hair o’ the dog, because the nearest pub is the same one the idiots who went after him frequent.’

  Sienna was sitting outside an hour later reading the same paragraph of a book over and over. She glanced at her dad, who was reading his newspaper. She’d been so upset with him, taking it upon himself to corner Adam like that.

  Her dad flapped his newspaper, pretending to be absorbed. He wasn’t. Sienna could tell. He had that little v in his brow, which was always there when he was worrying, mostly about her. ‘Sorry, Dad,’ she offered eventually, knowing she owed him much more than an apology.

  Her dad lowered his paper. ‘Me, too.’ He mustered up a smile. ‘Look, Sienna, I know you think you’re old enough to make your own decisions—’

  ‘Dad.’ Sienna sighed.

  ‘The thing is, Sienna, I don’t think any of us ever are, when it comes to matters of the heart.’

  ‘But he’s not all bad, Dad,’ Sienna tried to point out, again. ‘He does have some good qualities. Lots, really he does. Under all that … stuff … he’s a warm, caring person. He’s just lost and lonely. I’m not ready to give up on him because he can’t find his way, not yet.’

  Her dad’s expression was pensive, as if he doubted Adam could possibly have a single good quality. ‘I think he might well be,’ he said, at length.

  Sienna smiled, hopefully. ‘You do?’

  ‘After our chat, yes. Possibly.’ Her dad back-pedalled a little. ‘He obviously did care enough about the woman he broke up with to try to do the right thing. He’s still working through his issues, though, Sienna.’

  ‘Like you had to?’ Sienna asked gently, not wanting to remind her dad of what he called his ‘black’ period, when his life seemed to have no purpose, other than to be there for her.

  Her dad looked her thoughtfully over. ‘Yes,’ he conceded, with a sad smile. ‘I can empathise, to a degree. I’m not heartless, Sienna. I realise the man’s hurting. He’s not going to find his way viewing the world through the bottom of a whisky bottle though, is he? Whether he’s an addict or not, remains to be seen, but he obviously uses alcohol as some kind of crutch. As for the womanising,’ he paused to look gravely at her, ‘he might love women, preferring short relationships to avoid getting hurt. On the other hand, it’s possible he hates women.’

  ‘He does not.’ Sienna scowled. Why did everyone have him down as a woman-hater? They couldn’t possibly understand. They didn’t know him.

  ‘It’s a harsh observation, but the fact that he talked about it does give me a shred of hope.’ Her dad offered her another small smile, this time of reassurance. ‘He claimed the former incidentally. But then, I doubt he would have readily admitted to the latter.’

  He really had grilled him, hadn’t he? No wonder Adam had looked so distraught when he’d come out of the chandlery. Sienna’s heart twisted for him. ‘He doesn’t hate women, Dad,’ she reiterated, confident that, after the way Adam had touched her, every part of her, he simply couldn’t.

  ‘A man might be a competent lover, Sienna, but it doesn’t mean he’s competent at loving relationships,’ her dad pointed out, eerily psychic. ‘He has to be able to change, sweetheart,’ he went on, k
indly. ‘To do that, he has to want to enough to start making those changes. If I can see any evidence he’s capable of trying, I’ll preach from a distance. For now though—’

  He stopped as Nathaniel came across from the chandlery. ‘Just thought you’d like to know, he’s back,’ he said. ‘And he’s driving.’

  ‘I take it this is a good sign?’ her dad asked, following Nathaniel’s gaze back to the car park, where Adam was indeed climbing out of his car.

  ‘Very,’ Nathaniel assured him. ‘He doesn’t drink and drive.’

  Her dad looked marginally impressed. ‘What? Never?’

  ‘Never.’ Nathaniel gave Sienna a sly wink.

  Sienna beamed. ‘A good quality?’ she asked her dad.

  ‘I concede he’s not all bad.’ Her dad gave another inch.

  Smiling, Sienna watched as Adam walked back to his boat. He still looked broody, and very tired. But he no longer looked furious. Sienna so hoped that was a good sign. The information her dad had dragged out of him, that was personal and painful. Too painful for Adam to easily talk about it, she’d seen that for herself. It must have been hard, yet he’d done it. He was trying, he really was. How could she not love him?

  She tried to catch his eye as he neared his boat, but Adam’s gaze was once again averted, which struck Sienna as not a very good sign. Feeling her own eyes filling up, she glanced quickly down. Hormones, she told herself firmly. They would be bound to be flying all over the place. She was reading too much into it, overreacting, that’s what she was doing. She gave herself a good talking to. She still didn’t feel any less like bursting into tears, though.

  ‘All right, sweetheart?’ her dad asked as Tobias heaved himself from where he was lying at her feet to plant his head in her lap and look dolefully up at her.