Louisa shook her head but felt sure someone was trying to scare her. She tried to tell herself her worry about Cooper was in her head, that there had been a misunderstanding, but the thought of him filled her with misgivings. She couldn’t help thinking, if it had been this easy to abduct Zip what else might ‘they’ be capable of? Fear threw all her troubles into stark relief: her home once so secure but now under threat; the marriage that was to have lasted into old age but was now a shadowy insubstantial thing. Everything had become fragile. And now Zip was gone too, and in a most terrible way.
32.
As she awoke to a beautiful coral sky, the mist still hanging over the ocean, the smell of death lingered in her nostrils. At breakfast both dogs stared at her with melancholy eyes, chins resting on their paws, as if they knew what had happened. So she sat on the floor with her arms draped around both of them.
A little later, she veered between fury at Zip’s death and a sense of abject loneliness as she once again gathered her courage before seeing Zinnia. As she drove Dr Russell to the cinnamon plantation, the day remained bright, but she would rather have stayed at home with her two sad dogs, keeping the world at bay. But she had promised to do this – and so she must. The police had taken the horrible parcel and its contents away, but nothing could rid Louisa of the memory.
The air was not much cooler since the last downpour and the heat would soon be building further. As she drove, wiping the sweat from her brow from time to time, the silence between them weighed heavily and she was certain the doctor could tell something was wrong. When he asked her how she knew Zinnia, she hesitated a moment longer before speaking, but decided he could be trusted not to spread gossip.
‘My husband was seeing her.’ She hated saying it and didn’t dare glance at his face.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.’
She swallowed the lump in her throat. ‘I didn’t know until after he died. The worst thing is they had a son together.’
Now she glanced sideways to check the doctor’s reaction and saw him shake his head.
‘My dear, that must have been hard for you.’
She nodded and her heart thumped in her chest. ‘It still is,’ she said.
‘So why are you going out of your way to help this woman?’
Feeling a bit self-conscious, she felt herself redden. ‘I’d like to say common humanity, and maybe it is a little bit.’ She paused, wondering how much of that was true.
‘And what else?’
‘I think she tried to break it off with Elliot.’
‘I see.’
‘And I want to help her cousin, Leo McNairn. She lives on his land and now she’s ill, he’s having to care for the child. He’s seven.’
‘That can’t be easy.’
‘You’re right. The plantation takes up all his time so it’s very difficult. Made harder because the child doesn’t go to school. Leo has become a friend of mine. I’m doing what I can.’
‘And the child?’
She sighed deeply. ‘That’s another story. On the one hand, I can’t bear to even look at him …’
‘But on the other hand?’
‘I’m curious, I suppose. He’s so like Elliot, you see, and of course it makes me think of what my own children might have looked like.’
There was a short silence.
‘Look,’ she said. ‘We turn off just here. We’ll go up to the top first and find Leo, then we can all go down to Zinnia’s house together.’
‘Will the child be there? Maybe I should take a look at him too.’
‘He wasn’t there last time I was here. I should have mentioned this before, but although I’ve started clearing up Zinnia’s place, her bedroom is still in a bad way. I’m going to try and come back with a houseboy to give it a real spring clean.’
‘I think you must be a saint, Louisa.’
She felt her skin prickle with anxiety. ‘I’m really not. But so much has been revealed about Elliot I feel as if I never really knew him. Who knows, maybe I’m helping Zinnia so that I can understand something of his other life.’
‘If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from my work it’s that people’s lives are not tidy.’
‘I hate myself for how angry I sometimes feel. But I don’t want to become vengeful.’
‘We all have things we don’t like about ourselves, thoughts we are embarrassed by, past actions we regret.’
She raised her brows. ‘I’m sure you can’t have anything to regret.’
‘You’d be wrong there. I have allowed work to dominate my life far too much, but there it is. Too late to change now.’
‘What about when you retire?’
‘My wife would like me to retire now, but I’m just not ready to put up my feet.’
They reached the top and Louisa parked up.
As they both got out of the car, a houseboy came out to say Leo was already down at his cousin’s house, but he would be happy to take them there via the short cut.
Louisa thanked him and held out her hand to the doctor.
‘Is your bag heavy? It’s quite rough terrain.’
‘I’m a walker, so I’m sure I’ll be fine, and the bag isn’t heavy.’
They followed the boy, keeping a watch out for tree roots spreading across the path that snaked down the hill. The air was so full of moisture it seemed to sparkle where the sun filtered through the waving trees and, briefly, Louisa enjoyed the moment. But then, as they drew closer to Zinnia’s bungalow, she felt worried again. How would she react if Conor was there? Last time she had not been able to look at him. It wasn’t the child’s fault, but when she thought of her own daughter, her own little Julia, her skin prickled and the spiky resentment made her feel ashamed. Conor was just a little boy but, at the back of her mind, she couldn’t help thinking he was the little boy she should have had.
When they reached the clearing outside the house Louisa came to a halt. She knocked at the door and after a few moments Leo opened it. ‘I’m glad you’ve come,’ he said and, though she felt momentarily on edge at seeing him for the first time since they had gone swimming, his broad smile put her at her ease.
‘This is our family doctor. Doctor Russell, this is Leo McNairn.’
They followed Leo into the sitting room, which remained almost as tidy as Louisa had left it. She noticed a window was open and the air was relatively fresh.
‘So where is your cousin?’ the doctor said, glancing about the room.
‘Follow me,’ Leo said.
Although Leo had opened the bedroom windows and tidied up the evening before, Zinnia had closed the heavy curtains again, saying the light hurt her eyes, and the smell was still sour. The doctor glanced at Louisa. ‘Someone needs to air this room thoroughly.’ Then he walked across to the bed where Zinnia lay with her eyes closed.
He passed a hand in front of her impassive face. Nothing. Then he put a palm to her forehead. ‘Very indicative of a malarial fever. Keep her cool if you can. Damp cloths on the forehead and back of the neck.’ He paused. ‘Zinnia, can you hear me?’
Her eyes flew open and widened in alarm.
Louisa backed against the door, horrified by the dull look of despair she saw. In the intense silence of the room one thing was certain: this desperately ill woman was no longer the person Elliot had been captivated by.
‘I’m Doctor Russell. Will you allow me to take a blood sample?’
‘Why?’ Zinnia had spoken in a thin rasping voice.
‘I think you may have malaria, my dear. We can treat it if we know for sure.’
Zinnia lifted her hands helplessly as if to say, Do what you will.
He opened his brown leather bag and took out a syringe from a zippered case. After he had prepared the needle, taking the blood took longer than anticipated. ‘She’s dehydrated,’ he said. ‘Her veins are collapsing. Make sure she drinks.’
Then, after it was finally done, he carefully wrapped up the blood sample. ‘I’ll get this sent off to the la
boratories. They are inundated, so it might be a few days. Now tell me how long you have been feeling ill, my dear.’
As the doctor spoke with Zinnia, Leo indicated he wanted to talk to Louisa in the sitting room. ‘I thought I’d better warn you Conor could arrive at any minute. Will you be okay?’
A sudden memory of Elliot stopped her. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Adulterer, she said under her breath. Bloody adulterer. Once again she felt a burst of something she could barely control and, after she had mastered herself, a feeling of unexpected gloom descended.
‘Louisa?’
‘What?’ she snapped.
He didn’t react to her tone. ‘What can I say or do to make you feel better?’
She blinked rapidly. This was not the way she liked to view herself. She was a positive person, a caring person, not this seething, resentful mess.
‘I’m cheerful,’ she lied, ‘but scared.’
‘He’s only a little boy.’
‘Don’t make me feel worse than I already do.’ She glanced at the sky. The brightness was gone and now the yellowy light was tinged with purple, a sure sign more rain was on its way.
He smiled a crooked kind of smile. ‘Would it help if I told you I’ve thought about the ball?’
‘And?’
‘And I’ve got my houseboy cleaning up my dinner suit. I hope I don’t let you down.’
‘You know the ball is soon. Is your van fixed yet or will you come to my place on your motorbike?’
‘The bike, but I’ll change at yours if that’s acceptable?’
‘Perfectly. I can’t wait to see you spruced up.’
‘You don’t like me as I am?’
She wanted to say something significant but didn’t reply.
A serious look came over his face. ‘About the other day …’
‘It isn’t that … I feel exhausted by so many conflicting emotions I can’t trust my own judgement.’
‘I imagine trusting anyone at the moment must be tricky.’
She sighed and then shook her head. ‘A little more than tricky, to be perfectly honest.’
He took a step towards her and put a hand on her arm: a gesture of infinite tenderness. When he gazed into her eyes his look was full of concern. ‘Well, just remember I’m here and I’m on your side. If –’
It made her feel good to hear it. When he looked at her like that, his eyes so honest and calm and full of whatever this was that hung between them, she felt better, but then the doctor came out suddenly and they sprang apart.
‘Well,’ he said. ‘I have the sample. So, Louisa, we should be getting back so I can send this off.’
‘I’ll just drop the doctor at his surgery, Leo, but then I’ll come back with a houseboy to try to clean Zinnia’s bedroom.’
‘Are you sure?’ Leo said, his dark eyes now looking intense. ‘Kamu and I can do it.’
She sighed. Her nerves had already been stretched taut, and as they climbed up the hill again, Louisa kept an eye out for Conor – but they reached the top, got into the car, and were on their way before he appeared. If she was honest with herself, she felt a little ashamed at how relieved she was to have missed him.
As she drove, the doctor was quiet, and so was she. Even if Zinnia had tried to put a stop to their relationship, the cinnamon plantation was where Elliot’s heart had been. Louisa had to finally accept he had in reality left her long before the day he died.
‘So, what did you make of her?’ she eventually said.
‘It’s hard to tell. She says she has some good days, but things look somewhat severe to me.’
Louisa nodded and concentrated on the road.
‘If you can manage to sanitize her room it would be a great help, but Louisa …’
‘Yes?’
‘I hope you don’t think I’m speaking out of turn, but in my job I tend to hear gossip and I wouldn’t want you to be hurt. I wanted to suggest you don’t go in too deep with Leo.’
‘He’s a good man.’
‘I’m sure he is, but don’t underestimate what you’ve been going through.’
‘He’s taking me to the ball. Just as a friend.’
He smiled. ‘Well, that should be fine. You deserve a little fun. Just be careful. You are more vulnerable than you realize.’
‘That’s exactly what my father said.’
‘Grief can affect people in different ways and last much longer than they understand, especially if it’s complicated.’
Louisa wasn’t sure if she was grieving for Elliot any more. She felt she was grieving for the loss of her favourite dog and for herself; for the loss of who she had thought she was. Did that make any sense?
After she had dropped off the doctor, the first person she saw was Margo, who was sitting in the back garden while the rain held off. Louisa’s two dogs had been lying at her feet but raised themselves to welcome their mistress.
‘I miss Zip so much,’ Louisa said as she sat and stroked Bouncer’s head. ‘I can’t bear what they did to him.’
‘I know.’
They remained in silence for a few minutes, Louisa thinking about Zip, but the hurt was too raw and she tried to focus on something else. And yet, when she did, all that came to mind was Elliot with Zinnia.
‘Where have you been?’ Margo asked.
‘I took my doctor to see Zinnia. He thinks it might be malaria.’
‘Goodness.’
‘I’m going back again in a few minutes to help air her bedroom and give it a spring clean. I was going to see if one of the houseboys is free.’
Margo seemed to be thinking. ‘Are you sure you’re up to it?’
‘I’d rather keep busy. I don’t want to sit around just twiddling my thumbs. It’ll do me no good. I’ll have the emporium to think about soon but right now I feel so angry about Zip.’
‘Not about Zinnia?’
‘Her too, though if you saw how ill she is …’
‘I’ll come with you, if you like. I’d quite like to see what she’s like.’
‘Honestly, it’s hard to tell. She’s so sick.’
‘Shall I come with you anyway?’
‘Where’s William?’
‘Indoors, chatting to your father.’
‘Dad’s here?’
‘He just popped in. He wanted to know if you had anyone accompanying you to the ball. If not, he says he’ll do it.’
‘That’s not necessary.’ Louisa thought of the trail of events leading to this moment. ‘Leo’s coming with me.’
‘I’m glad.’
‘Will William still be here?’
‘Yes, but we’re going to have to get a suit made up for him chop-chop. He didn’t pack for a ball!’
‘I don’t suppose he did. And we’d better take our compromising photograph soon.’
‘Yes. Sorry about that.’
‘Don’t be. It might be fun. Will you be half-dressed?’
Margo laughed. ‘Something like that.’
‘Oh Lord! And in bed, no doubt.’
‘That would do it. Though honestly, once two people have decided to call it quits, shouldn’t they just be able to do so without all this rigmarole?’
Louisa wondered if Margo was right. Should people be tied together so inextricably? Was that how Elliot had felt? Trapped? Stifled? She shook her head. It hadn’t seemed that way.
As they pulled up outside Zinnia’s house, Margo took a deep breath and Louisa saw the confusion in her sister-in-law’s face and that she appeared to be battling with her thoughts and feelings.
‘It feels strange knowing Elliot was here so much,’ Margo said. ‘In my head, I keep trying to find a way to make things better. I can’t forgive him – and I hate feeling like this.’
Louisa didn’t reply.
‘When I think of all the attention he had as a child. Mother rarely showed any interest in me. I remember us sitting together at the kitchen table while he copied his homework from somebody else’s exercise book. He laugh
ed when I said it was wrong and Mum just smiled and said there was no harm in it. She just wanted him to get a high mark. Can you imagine? Now the way he’s behaved haunts me, but it must be so much worse for you.’
‘I want to remember what we had, yet at the same time I don’t. Knowing Leo has helped.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘I’m not sure. He makes me feel better about myself, I guess.’
33.
Louisa pushed open the front door to the bungalow, Margo trailing behind. Once they were inside, Louisa glanced back to see her sister-in-law gazing around at the paintings of Zinnia with Conor, just as she herself had done.
Though Margo had been the one who had always seen through Elliot, Louisa could sense it was hard for her to discover the true extent to which her ‘perfect’ brother had not been so perfect after all. She felt a flicker of unease and a tight little stab of jealousy in her chest. It couldn’t be denied that Zinnia had been very beautiful, talented too, and maybe a little wild.
‘This doesn’t look too bad,’ Margo said.
‘I’ve already cleaned this room.’
‘Where is she?’ Margo whispered behind cupped hands.
‘Through there.’ Louisa drew breath and pointed at a door. ‘We need to encourage her to come out here and lie on the sofa … Oh God, can we do this?’
Battling with a mixture of fear and determination, Louisa stared at Margo.
‘I can, if you can,’ Margo said.
‘We might have to carry her, or support her on both sides. She’s very weak.’
She knocked on Zinnia’s door, opened it and peered into the room. This time the curtains were open and the air smelt fresher. Perhaps she’s improving, Louisa thought. Then she tiptoed over to the bed.
‘Remember me?’ she asked.
Zinnia nodded and spoke in a low voice. ‘There’s no need for you to be here.’
‘I promised Doctor Russell I’d get your room shipshape. If you just sit up a bit, my sister-in-law will help me get you up and walk you through to the sitting room.’
Zinnia’s eyes widened. ‘Elliot’s sister?’
‘Yes.’
‘You both must hate me.’
Louisa glanced away and then back at Zinnia. ‘I tried to,’ she said in a small voice.
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