“Good. You look great. Just not that excited.”
“I am excited. It’s just…I don’t know.”
“It’s not who you want to be going out with.”
“I like Thomas,” Helen insisted. “I do. He asked me out, and I haven’t been on a date in four years.”
“Uh huh.” Lorraine looked unconvinced.
“I’m not going to let a silly crush get in the way of my life.”
“Is that what it is? You just have a silly crush on Andrew?”
“Of course that’s what it is,” Helen said, praying it was true. “I’ve known him less than two months, and we never went out or anything.”
“But you were glowing when you came back from the hike on Saturday.”
Helen shrugged and rooted through her jewelry case, looking for earrings to wear. “I got my hopes up. I admit it. But obviously nothing came of it. Why shouldn’t I go out with Thomas?”
“No reason. Unless you know you could never be interested in him. Then it seems a little cruel.”
“I don’t know whether I could be interested in him or not. That’s why I’m going out with him. I’ve been distracted by Andrew for the last several weeks, but that doesn’t mean Thomas is a hopeless case.” Helen stared at Lorraine’s thoughtful face, suddenly worried about her decision-making. “You don’t really think I’m being cruel to Thomas, do you? It’s just a first date. To sort of test the waters. I never led him on or made him think I had feelings for him. Please tell me you don’t think I’m doing the wrong thing.”
Lorraine’s face softened. “No. I don’t think it’s wrong. I just think it might be a little…a little futile.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean it’s pretty obvious that you’re too far gone on Andrew to even consider another man.”
A wave of aching feeling slammed into Helen, and she slumped to sit on the edge of the bed. “That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” Lorraine’s face was sympathetic now rather than wry.
“It can’t be. It can’t be true. What kind of an idiot would I be to let myself fall for a man I knew I could never have?” Despite her words, Helen experienced a heavy feeling in her gut, proving to her that Lorraine was right.
“I’m still not convinced you can never have him. You’ve never given yourself enough credit. Why shouldn’t Andrew fall in love with you?”
“Well, I’m telling you that he hasn’t. He’s avoided me all week. Maybe he had a few stray feelings, but he’s not about to act on them. I’m not just going to sit around and mope about it.”
“I’m not suggesting you mope, but maybe give yourself and him a little more time to sort things out. Couldn’t there be another reason why Andrew hasn’t tried to contact you this week?”
Helen stuck her chin out, trying to fight back rising despair. “Like what? What could possibly cause him to avoid me, except that he doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea?” She rubbed her face, a wash of embarrassment causing her cheeks to burn. “He probably suspects I’ve been silly enough to develop feelings so he’s trying to let me down easy. I’m so stupid. He’s way out my league.”
“Helen, stop it!” Lorraine’s words were sharp, sudden.
She stiffened and glared at her friend. “You don’t have to yell at me.”
“Someone needs to get through to you. Andrew is not out of your league. No one is out of your league. There is no such thing as a league! Love is a gift, totally undeserved. For everyone.”
Helen blinked, taken aback by Lorraine’s vehemence. Then she smiled, a little poignantly. “I know. You’re right. It’s just hard to get it through to my heart.”
With a heavy sigh, Lorraine got up and went over to give Helen a friendly half-hug. “I know. But if nothing happens with Andrew, it’s not because he’s too good for you or something ridiculous like that. It’s as likely for him to love you as anyone else.”
“Right.” Helen nodded, trying to believe it. “Why shouldn’t he love me? Just because no one’s ever loved me before.”
“That’s not true. God loves you. And your family loves you. And even I love you—despite the fact that you drive me crazy sometimes.”
Helen couldn’t help but giggle. “I meant men.”
Lorraine stood up with her familiar, dry smile. “I know what you meant. Just trying to put things in perspective.”
Despite herself, Helen was starting to feel a little better. She still had that heavy feeling in her belly when she thought of Andrew, but she suspected that wouldn’t go away for a while. “I know. Thanks.”
***
Thomas took Helen to the best restaurant in Cane.
It wasn’t particularly expensive or fancy. The food was what was generally referred to as “country cooking,” and the décor matched the cuisine—with fake flowers, baskets, and aprons displayed profusely on shelves and tables. But Helen liked the food, and she was glad Thomas hadn’t made plans to drive them to one of the neighboring cities to a more formal restaurant.
This felt more casual and didn’t make her so nervous.
Between them, they knew about two-thirds of the patrons in the restaurant, and Helen recognized a lot of intrigued and delighted looks coming their way. She could just hear the gossip. Helen Walton has finally found a boyfriend! We thought she never would! Poor Thomas Harrison has found a new love interest, after his sweet wife dying so tragically! When will the engagement be announced?
It was an inevitable part of living in a small town, particularly having been born and raised there, so there was no sense in dealing with it with anything less than resigned good-nature.
Helen and Thomas had a nice time. They chatted about people they knew, their work, recent books, and the new strip being built along the highway that ran by Cane, which would include a gas station and fast food restaurant. Helen was more comfortable than she’d expected to be—although she suspected that might be because she wasn’t particularly trying to impress Thomas. She felt no anxious jitters or simmering excitement. She was relaxed and natural, and she basically enjoyed Thomas’s company.
By the end of the meal though, she was pretty clear on what she would have to say to Thomas if he asked her out again. She’d given it a try, and she still thought Thomas was a great guy.
But he wasn’t Andrew, and, at this point, Helen couldn’t even begin to consider anyone else.
Her mind kept slipping back to Andrew, wondering where he was, what he was doing, why he was avoiding her, and if he’d thought about her at all this week. Why would he have acted so intimate with her if he was just going to drop her acquaintance the following day?
Occasionally, she considered a thrilling possibility. He was spiritually confused. Perhaps he was waiting until he’d gotten things straight before he made any sort of romantic advance toward her.
But she couldn’t let herself hope for that too much. Lorraine and her father were right about how she shouldn’t assume no one could love her, but it would also be foolish to let herself be strung along by her dreams, when nothing concrete in Andrew’s behavior supported those dreams.
The best advice she’d ever gotten about men was not to read exciting subplots into their behavior. If they were interested, they would let you know.
Andrew hadn’t let her know.
But she couldn’t go out with Thomas again. Not until she got over Andrew, anyway.
***
Andrew’s flight from D.C. got in at six-thirty, and then he had to drive the hour and a half from the airport in a nearby city to Cane. He’d been away from his company offices for too long, and he’d had to make a trip back this week to meet with a few clients and handle a couple of minor crises that had arisen.
He thought he’d be glad of the chance to get away and clear his head a bit. It should have been nice to be home and have some time to himself.
But he’d been incredibly lonely—without even Melissa for company, since she’d stayed in Cane so she wouldn’t have t
o face the stress of the trip. It hadn’t even felt like he was home, even though he was in the house he’d lived in for eleven years.
He’d missed Helen. A lot. Hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her.
He left his suitcase in the hall and immediately went up to the garret suite to see Melissa. Some of the tension in his shoulders and neck relaxed when she saw him and ran over to hug him with a wide grin.
“I’m so glad you’re home!” she said, squeezing him tightly.
He noticed her choice of words and wondered at it. Then wondered why it really felt like he was home now, instead of in D.C. “I’m glad to be back. How have you been?”
“I’ve been all right,” Melissa told him, shooing him into the window seat.
“Trish said you’ve been withdrawn for the last couple of days.”
She shrugged. “Not too bad. Just felt a little anxious.”
He studied her closely. She looked all right. A little paler than she’d been when he left, and he recognized a lingering unease in her gray eyes that had almost been banished last week. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I missed you. And… But I’m not heading for a breakdown.”
Her voice seemed confident, but Andrew wasn’t entirely convinced. She was definitely on edge. He never should have left her for so long. She’d been doing so well for the several weeks—making strides she hadn’t made in years.
But all he said was, “All right. Glad to hear it.” After a pause, he remembered what she’d just said. “And what?”
“And what, what?”
“You said you missed me. And…”
“Oh.” She glanced away and fidgeted. “Nothing.”
Intrigued and worried now, he leaned forward. “Melissa?”
She let out a long breath. “I just wish you hadn’t been out of town this week.”
He felt a pang of regret and guilt—although he had responsibilities at work that he simply couldn’t ignore. “It was necessary, but I’m sorry I had to leave you alone.”
She opened her mouth to say something but then must have decided against it.
Andrew was more worried than ever at her odd behavior and her restlessness—which had always been a symptom of an approaching breakdown—but he didn’t want to push her too hard since he knew that was counterproductive. Instead, he asked, “So what have you been doing this week?”
Her face relaxed, and she started chatting in something closer to her normal voice. “I got through editing the content for those web pages. Did you get my email this morning?”
“Yeah. Just before I got on the plane.”
“And I’ve been trying to train Rat.” Her lip quirked up at his expression—since they hadn’t yet reconciled on the name of their adopted dog. “He’s walking better now. Just limping a little. And he will usually sit, although he hasn’t quite gotten ‘shake’ or ‘down’ yet.”
Andrew smiled and glanced out the window, down at the green backyard. “Did Helen come to see you this week?” he asked, trying to keep his voice casual.
He felt, rather than saw Melissa stiffen. “Yes. She came over for dinner on Tuesday and then again last night.”
Scrutinizing her face, he saw that uneasy look appear again. “What’s the matter? You two didn’t argue, did you?”
“No. She’s great. We get along just fine.”
He clenched his jaw to keep himself from asking Melissa whether Helen had mentioned him at all. “That’s good. Is she coming over this evening too?” His question was diffident, and he kept his eyes on his sister’s face.
She looked down at her twisting hands. “No.”
“Melissa, what on earth is the matter? What’s wrong with Helen?” His heart lurched as he wondered if something had happened to her.
“Nothing’s wrong with her. She just has other plans tonight.”
Something about the delicate way Melissa phrased it made Andrew straighten up with a jerk. “What plans?”
Melissa’s mouth twisted with concern. “She’s going out on a date. With Thomas Harrison.”
“What?”
“I knew you’d be upset. I’m so sorry, Andrew.”
Andrew raised a hand to knead the tight muscles at the back of his neck, and he forced down as much of his jealousy and outrage as he could. “Why is she going out with him?”
“He asked her out.”
“But why would she say yes? I thought we—“ Andrew broke off, a knot of emotion tightening in his chest as he remembered the hike last Saturday, how close he’d felt to Helen. He’d assumed she’d felt the same way.
“Had you said anything to her?” Melissa asked urgently. “About your feelings, I mean?”
“No. But she must know.” He shook his head roughly. “I assumed…”
“She doesn’t know! How can she know if you haven’t said anything? She’s been depressed all week. And you should have seen her trying not to ask about you—even as her eyes kept slipping over to the door, as if she was constantly hoping you’d appear.”
“Didn’t she know I was out of town? She didn’t think I was ignoring her all week, did she?”
“I didn’t tell her you were out of town. I didn’t know what had happened between you two. I thought maybe you had…you had let her down. That you’d left on purpose.”
Andrew was horrified by the idea that Helen might have been hurt, brutally disappointed by his absence this week. He’d thought about calling her, just to talk, but he thought that would have been too much when he wasn’t yet certain of his ability to offer her what she deserved.
“Andrew, why haven’t you said anything?” Melissa’s eyes and her voice were a plea.
“I can’t,” he said, a little gruffly. “Not until I’m clear on things…spiritually. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“But she doesn’t know how you feel. You think you’ve been obvious, but you don’t know how hard you are to read. You come across as so cool and reserved. What if she thinks you were just having fun with her?”
Andrew made a guttural sound of objection. “She couldn’t possibly think that.”
“Why not? She doesn’t know you don’t act this way with every other woman.”
He recalled their conversation, the way he’d opened up to her, the almost tangible bond in the look they’d shared, the way he’d almost kissed her. “She must have known. I thought we understood each other.”
“Until you ignored her for a whole week!”
Wincing slightly at the reproach in Melissa’s voice, he rubbed his neck again. “I didn’t ignore her. I was out of town.”
“She doesn’t know that. And another man asked her out. What did you expect her to do?”
“She’s not interested in Tom Harrison.”
“You know that for sure?”
For just a moment, Andrew’s vision blurred in a surge of intense jealousy. Helen couldn’t possibly be interested in another man. Not his Helen.
“Please don’t shut down on me, Andrew. I know you’re angry and upset, but this isn’t the end of the world. Just talk to her. You can still work this out.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, forcing back his possessiveness, knowing it was unworthy. “I guess I’ll have to. I’m not sure what to say though. If I’m not yet ready to give her any certainties…”
Melissa looked vastly relieved. “You don’t need to give her certainties. You haven’t even been on a date yet. Just give her some encouragement. Some reason to keep hoping.”
“I’m not going to string her along.”
Her mouth twitched a little, as if she were hiding a giggle. “I don’t think it will take much longer for you to be ready. And unless you want to lose her by dilly-dallying…”
Andrew stiffened his shoulders. “I’m not going to lose her.”
The smile Melissa had been stifling emerged. “Well, you better get busy then.”
“What exactly do you find so amusing about all of this?” he demanded, his eyes narrowing.
Melissa
laughed for real. “I know you’re genuinely upset and that this is a serious issue. But you’ve always been so competent and controlled. And I’ve waited so long to see you fall in love. It’s just…it’s just fun to watch you try to handle it.
Andrew made a face, although he couldn’t begrudge his sister her enjoyment. He supposed it must be kind of funny to watch him flounder around with his feelings for Helen, although at the moment it hurt too much to join in her amusement. “Anyway, what did you want to do for dinner? I can go out and get something if you want.”
Sobering, Melissa said, “But you just got back into town. You must be tired.”
“It doesn’t matter. Better than sitting around here and stewing over…” He trailed off. Despite the fact that Melissa obviously knew how he felt about Helen, he was still a little uncomfortable speaking about it so openly. “I need to make a couple of calls first, but then I can run down to Main Street and pick up some Chinese. That would be easy enough.”
Melissa’s eyes were sympathetic, with no trace of amusement at all as she said, “Chinese would be just fine.”
***
It was just before nine when Helen and Thomas left the restaurant and walked slowly down Main Street in Cane toward Thomas’s pickup truck. They were still chatting—now about a new movie both of them had seen.
Behind her friendly conversation, Helen was trying to think of a strategy for handling what might come next. She was ready to go home, so she hoped Thomas didn’t have anything else planned. The good thing about being in Cane was the limited possibilities for after-dinner activities. They could go down to the café for coffee and dessert. Or they could go to the duck pond and feed the ducks. But that was about it.
Since they’d had dessert at the restaurant, Helen was hoping Thomas would just take her home.
“I had a nice time,” he said, as he clicked his truck unlocked.
“Me too. Thanks for taking me.”
Thomas looked at her with his bashful brown eyes and paused next to the passenger-side door. “Maybe we can do it again sometime.”
Helen swallowed and tried to remember the kind, graceful speech she’d planned out. She couldn’t. “I don’t know, Thomas.”
No Shadow (Prodigal Sons of Cane) Page 12