I commend you on managing so efficiently.
Here is what I think of the Coke work. It is wrong in a number of respects and I believe you haven’t quite got a handle on my idea.
Allow me to be specific:
TV: You have committed the cardinal sin of beverage advertising by omitting the product-pouring shot from my scripts. For forty years no soft drink commercial has succeeded without a close-up of the fizzy goods cascading over copious rocks of clinking ice. Reinstate this immediately.
As for your new scripts, it is hard to put my finger on why they are not working. They just do not cut it with me. Work on this.
POSTERS: Dull, dull, dull. Do some more.
RADIO: I do not understand these scripts at all. What is South Park, who is Cartman, and why on earth does the Kenny character die at the end of each script? Have you never heard of continuity? I suggest a return to the drawing board.
I think you still have much to do.
I recommend a few late nights.
I think it would also do you a favour if you were to pin my core idea up on your wall and measure all your future efforts against it.
I am sorry to be so tough on you, but if it makes you realise that this job is not the breeze you imagined, then you will have learnt a hard but valuable lesson.
Si
[email protected] 1/10/00, 8:45pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
Just read your e – ta. I hadn’t gone home. I was with Harriet brainstorming a structure for the presentation. David wants me to see him now to go through your comments in detail. I’ll get back to you . . .
[email protected] 1/10/00, 9:17pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
I have just discussed your thoughts with Harriet and Pinki. They wanted to take some of them on board, but I overrode them. Do you want to know why? I happen to think that Pinki and her colleagues have turned your idea into a gem. For instance, the product-pouring shots have gone precisely because we don’t want this to resemble every soft-drink ad of the last forty years. The campaign is immeasurably better as a result.
By the way, my mother-in-law has heard of South Park. She’s seventy-five, has cataracts and spends most of her time playing rummy. You should spend some time with her. You might learn something about popular culture.
[email protected] 1/10/00, 9:24pm (1:24am local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Pinki
I know that e-mail is down tomorrow, but on Wednesday morning I expect a full report on Pinki’s every movement to be on my screen. Do not forget where your loyalties lie.
Nigel Godley – 1/10/00, 11:05pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: calling all admen!
Anyone else still here, give me a shout. If not, byeeee! I’ll miss the e-mail “banter” tomorrow. Talk to you again on Wed – Nige.
Tuesday, January 11th
IT Help Desk – 1/11/00, 11:23am
to All Departments
cc:
re: TEST
THIS IS A TEST MESSAGE. PLEASE DELETE. E-MAIL WILL NOW CLOSE DOWN AGAIN.
Wednesday, January 12th
IT Help Desk – 1/12/00, 6:48am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: e-mail
E-mail is working again. Thank you for bearing with us.
Peter Renquist
Acting Head of IT
[email protected] 1/12/00, 7:11am (11:11am local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: DATELINE MAURITIUS, DAY 3
Greetings from the war zone. This is our first shooting day and it’s looking grim. For a start I’m sitting in my room staring at the worst rain I’ve ever seen. It wasn’t like this in the brochure. I’ll bring you up to date from yesterday.
Casting – they don’t do tits in Mauritius. Didn’t find anyone.
Leaves us with only four birds so Vin and me were up half the night on a rewrite.
Mel, Nathan and Vin disappeared again to look for the perfect powdery sand. Didn’t find diddly so we decided to shoot the whole lot on the beach in front of the hotel. It looks pretty fucking soft and white to me so don’t know why we didn’t do that in the first place. Nathan keeps muttering “should have gone to Zanzibar, should have gone to Zanzibar.” The hotel management weren’t chuffed about a sweaty film crew driving their wrinkly punters from the sunbeds, but Mel’s very persuasive when needs be.
Horne’s had a crucial role in all these key decisions. He’s been using his mighty powers of ESP to transmit his thoughts to us from his £1,800-a-night suite and make sure us useless tossers don’t screw up. That’s right, he still hasn’t left his room. Suits me and Vin fine so we’re keeping quiet. Desperate Dan’s bothered, though. He’s having a ’mare with the client and wants his chum Simon to help him out.
Fat Frank Sinton the client – you’ll like this. This guy looks like Jabba the Hutt’s bastard son but he must look in the mirror and see Ben Affleck because I’ve lost count of the amount of waitresses he’s hit on. Anyway, first thing this morning who should be on the beach but Ivana Trump – yes, the perfumier, skier, author, UN Ambassador for Glamour and the original Spice Girl. She’s here taking a well-earned rest from shopping or something. Why didn’t we ever spot how much Mel looks like her? Separated at birth or what? Bloody uncanny that of all the beaches in all the world they have to be on the same one at the same time. To make it even spookier they’re both wearing purple sarongs and black bikinis. Ivana’s flat out on a sunbed and Fat Frank obviously thinks she’s Mel basking in the rays. He bounces up to her and because he’s a fat lech, whacks a freezing can of Pepsi slap in the middle of her cleavage – and, I must say, a rather fine cleavage it is too. She jumps up and hollers for hotel security. Desperate Dan, who’d spent the morning drooling from afar at Ivana (had a crush on her since he discovered Martina Navratilova was a dyke) wades in and takes her side – can’t help himself. Fat Frank stalks off to his room threatening to fire the agency while Ivana is thanking Dan for his chivalry. Torn? Ripped in bloody two, poor guy. He doesn’t know whether to follow the client and save the business or follow his dick into the arms of the Trump-tress. It provided fine entertainment while we waited for Nathan to fanny around with his camera.
In the end we got one shot set up before the rain. Looks like it might be stopping now so I’d better get back out there. We’re shooting two birds duelling on jet skis. Speed, scary stunts, gorgeous birds with great big tits – it’s art, mate. Did you sort things out with Lol? Normally I wouldn’t worry for you, but don’t balls this one up. She is sex on legs – and the legs are pretty good too.
Peter Renquist – 1/12/00, 7:34am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: e-mail
We have finally got to the bottom of it. The consultants were in all day and stayed through the night dismantling the server and reinstalling the software. They couldn’t find any faults. Then we thought that because David Crutton was the only one with a problem we should check Notes on his PC. This we did at 5:00 this morning. When we looked at his set up it appeared that he has been misusing his address book. It’s complicated, but when he sends he sometimes presses the wrong command key combination and automatically copies Finland. Yesterday he must have got it really wrong and copied all MS employees. We did some tests that tried to replicate his error and our theory proved correct.
He really needs to have a lesson or two in the basic skills. The question is, do you want to tell him or should I? Call me when you get in.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 7:51am
to: [email protected]
cc:
I was woken at 5:30 this morning by an hysterical Frank Sinton. He managed to blub that not only is the shoot proceeding like Apocalypse Now on a bad day, not only has he seen nothing of the creative director we sent out there to ensure a great film, not only is the director treating him like something on the sole of his Prada flip-flops, but on top of all that he claims you publicly accused him of sexually assaulting Ivana bloody Trump.
This is just too surreal.
Would you care to explain or shall we just say nothing and watch another piece of business slip out the door?
David Crutton – 1/12/00, 8:06am
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: have you seen the time?
Where are you? I’m going to a meeting now. By the time I return you will have written out 100 times in your best cursive hand: “The next time I arrive later than eight o’clock, Mr. Crutton will have my arse for a throw cushion.”
Rachel Stevenson – 1/12/00, 8:46am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: e-mail
David, IT finally got to the root of the problem. I think it is best if Peter Renquist and I come to talk it through with you. Please do not use e-mail until we’ve spoken. I’ve booked 9:30 with Zoë. We’ll see you then.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 9:03am
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Pinki Fallon
I kept track of her as best I could yesterday and I don’t think she was suspicious. Here is my report.
08:35: P arrived at work. Made cup of tea (Typhoo). Read Guardian (Education Supplement).
08:46: LO’K arrived. Shut door. Possibly working.
10:30: HG went into P’s office. Shut door.
10:46: HG came out with P. They hugged. HG got in lift. P went to loo (No 1s).
10:53: P came out of loo. Went walkabout round dept. Visited all teams briefly. Returned to own office with new Coke layouts. Smiling.
11:35: P informed SJ-D that she was going to recording of Coke demo track at Candle Music. SJ-D checked with TV dept. Two independent sources confirmed P’s story.
13:59: P returned carrying takeaway bag. Impossible to verify contents. Presume non-meat lunch.
14:14: LO’K returned from lunch with LP. Caught SJ-D listening at door. Don’t think he suspected.
14:33: P came out of office. Informed SJ-D she was going to see DC. Seemed agitated. SJ-D followed. P entered DC’s office. Shut door.
15:00: P returned to floor. Calm. Entered office. Shut door.
15:16: P came out of office and went to loo (No 1s and 2s).
15:55: P came out of loo holding tissues. Stopped at waste bin on return to office. Removed copy of Viz. Relevance unclear.
16:22: DC came onto creative floor. Ignored SJ-D. Sat on LP’s desk and spoke for 6 mins. Appeared friendly. DC then went into P’s office.
16:40: DC came out of P’s office with P. P informed SJ-D she would be at Bar Zero with DC. Not to be disturbed. SJ-D followed at distance and viewed subjects through window. DC ordered double espresso. P ordered tea. DC made joke with waitress. Subjects then spoke for thirty-four mins. P laughed twice.
17:14: DC paid bill (cash) and left with P. Encountered SJ-D upon exit. SJ-D explained she’d been shopping for confectionery item. Don’t believe subjects were suspicious. SJ-D walked with P and DC to agency. Discussed HG’s new hairdo.
17:17: P returned to office alone. Shut door.
17:43: P came out of office. Informed SJ-D she was going to tai chi class. SJ-D followed P to YMCA.
19:07: P came out of YMCA. SJ-D followed P back to agency. P joined LO’K in office. Shut door. Possibly working.
21:39: P came out of office. Informed SJ-D she was going home. SJ-D followed P to tube. P bought single ticket to Belsize Park and entered ticket barrier. Presume going home.
21:48: Surveillance ended. SJ-D returned to office to draft report.
I’m sorry I couldn’t hear what she was talking to David about in Bar Zero, but I don’t think it was the weather. Hope everything is going well in Mauritius. Did the drugs arrive? E me soon. I’m so lonely here without you, darling . . . Sx
[email protected] 1/12/00, 9:19am (1:19pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Mako
Did you get the timing plan I faxed to you yesterday? I haven’t heard, so I presume it’s OK. Let me know.
If you’re at all interested, it’s going belly-up here. We’re on our lunch break now, but this morning, our first chance to shoot anything, the weather closed in and we have nothing in the can. Worse than that the client is threatening to fire us over a can of pop, Ivana Trump and a sexual assault charge. Please don’t ask me to explain – way too bizarre. Danny Boy is with client now doing his oily best to make the peace.
Yesterday was a bloody fiasco. First of all we had our little casting session – let’s just call it a mis-casting session and say no more. Then I had to deal with the arrival of our crew. I spent the entire afternoon in the lobby clutching my clipboard like a breastplate to my bosom as miscellaneous gaffers, grips and clapper loaders demanded their rights to sea views and four-posters. Do not become a holiday rep, my dear. It is a quite thankless job. After that it was a couple of Valium and go direct to the Land of Nod.
Incidentally, do you think I look like Ms. Trump? Everyone here is saying so but I can’t see it. Darling, I thought I was more Michelle Pfeiffer (circa The Fabulous Baker Boys)!
Do write soon and assure me I’m not going completely doolally.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 9:30am
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: DATELINE MAURITIUS, DAY 3
You’re dead fucking right about Mel – a double for Trump. Looks like you’ll be coming home without a film and a client. I’m gonna do a department sweep on possible outcomes.
Lol’s sweet again. Yesterday I did flowers, chocolates, silky girly things, a Diesel voucher and lunch. Think she bought my explanation that I’ve hardly spoken to Philpott and that she’s been stalking me since she joined. I watched Play Misty for Me on cable on Sunday night and got the idea from that. Razor fucking sharp, me.
Pinki’s playing a political blinder. Call me sexist but I never thought a bird could do the CD’s job. The love child of Joan Baez and Tiny Tim is proving me well wrong. Crutton’s falling for her big time. Been charming the Jesus sandals off her. Took her out for coffee yesterday afternoon. If she waxed her underarms and lost the henna body art she’d be in Horne’s chair by Feb 1. You heard it here first.
Apparently Susi “resigned” again on Monday but she still turned up yesterday. She was creeping around like Magnum PI. Caught her bending down outside our door trying to sneak a listen. Said she was clearing a paper jam in the copier (the one that’s had the “out of order” sign on it since November). Pinki’s convinced she followed her and Crutton to BZ.
The word this morning is that they took the servers to bits yesterday looking for the e-mail fault, only to work out that Crutton doesn’t know his laptop from an Etch-a-Sketch. We’re being led into the 21st century by Cro-Magnon man. Nothing ever changes.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/12/00, 9:46am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: IT changes
Peter Renquist, the Acting Head of IT, is no longer with the company. He has decided to leave to pursue other interests. I hope you’ll join me in wishing him well. Until a permanent replacement arrives, Ravi Basnital will take over Peter’s duties. Please give him all the support he needs.
Rachel Stevenson
Personnel
Zoë Clarke – 1/12/00, 9:49am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: David’s schedule
All David’s meeti
ngs for the rest of the morning are cancelled, as he has to attend an urgent IT training session. Sorry for the inconvenience. – Zoë
[email protected] 1/12/00, 9:57am (1:57pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Pinki Fallon
thnks for rport . . . keep eye peeld . . . shhoot go welll . . . drrugss arive . . . feeelin verry week . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . mst sleeeeeeeep . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . nbahsqwygrshsbbtk
[email protected] 1/12/00, 10:05am (2:05pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: your concerns
I have just returned to my room and read your e-mail. I spent the last few hours with Frank trying to calm him down. He did have a bit of a turn earlier. I think it is a combination of sun, jet lag and stress from the fact that this is the poor lad’s first location shoot. (I remember mine – the Nimble balloon. I would not wish it on anyone!) Anyway, Ivana Trump did happen to be in the vicinity but it did not involve her in the slightest. He is resting now and I am sure that once he wakes he will be right as rain.
As for the shoot, it is going extremely well. There have been a couple of teething troubles as there always are, but we have some very exciting footage in the can. Nathan is eccentric, but aren’t all artists? Simon has been ever present and is an enormous calming influence.
Hope all is well back at the Ponderosa. What developments on Coke?
[email protected] 1/12/00, 10:06am
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: rest, my sweet
Darling Simon, you really need to rest right now. You’ve been working far too hard for far too long. You recharge those batteries and let the others struggle on without you. It’s time they learned to stop taking you for granted. And remember, if there’s anything you need, I’m on the end of an e-mail . . . Sx
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