cc:
re: lunch
Sure you can’t manage a quick one? I have to give you a full rundown on Judge-Dredd’s totally useless attempt to take her own life. She can’t do anything right.
Zoë Clarke – 1/13/00, 1:06pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: lunch
He’ll kill me if I sneak off now, but gotta hear this!!!!!!!!!! See you in two mins.
[email protected] 1/13/00, 1:03pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
Brett and Vince, I’m sorry about the trouble you’re in. However daft you’ve been, I don’t think you deserve to be fired, Vince. I’ve thought about your e-mail and whatever motivated you to write it, this is a bloody serious allegation. I’ll have to check it out and then work out how to play it. I don’t want you to say anything to anybody about this. I don’t think anyone should know until we have the facts. Please trust me to do the right thing. I’ll keep you informed . . .
[email protected] 1/13/00, 1:10pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Susi
Bad news I’m afraid. Susi was rushed to hospital this morning following a suspected overdose. It turned out that she hadn’t taken anything but obviously she is very upset about something. I’ve had a few difficulties with her this week but I didn’t see this coming. I expect she’ll be discharged later today – I’m sure a call from you would be appreciated. I imagine that this sounds terrible when you’re miles away and can’t do anything to help, but please don’t worry. Susi has had troubles before and always comes through smiling. I’m sure this time will be no different.
By the way, do you remember seeing a book from Kitty Bates and Jane Backer from Watford College? It’s not a big deal but they’ve been pestering me on the phone saying that you wanted to see it again. Do you want me to have a look for you or shall I leave it for your return?
Let me know. And I hope you don’t mind but I’ve sent Susi some flowers from the department . . .
[email protected] 1/13/00, 1:15pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: support
Thanks for your e-mail. And thanks for the offer of stunt ideas. I mentioned this to David, but he wants to keep this pitch as minimal as possible. He’s met Kelly Derringer at Coke a couple of times and thinks she’s the sort of slightly puritanical lowan who’d be deterred by excessive razzmatazz.
Lunch with Barry was excellent. He was far from depressed. In fact he couldn’t stop bubbling about some new ads he’s just shot for Guinness and Volvo. They sound fabulous. He told me to ask you to give his regards to Dick Chick – someone you both worked with I guess.
We’re slowly recovering from the horror of the Sun’s front page this morning. I hope you can help put it behind us by returning with a fantastic film. Good luck!
[email protected] 1/13/00, 1:31pm (5:31pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Susi
It seems that I have only to leave for five minutes before things fall apart. Susi was in fine fettle on Friday so I cannot begin to imagine the anarchy that has driven the poor girl to a suicide attempt.
I shudder to think what further damage I will find when I walk back in.
As for presuming to advise me on how to handle Susi, I know her better than anyone and I will not be lectured by the person who could well have driven her to such drastic action.
We shall say no more at present, but rest assured I will conduct a full inquiry.
As for these girls, Kitty and Jane, I cannot believe you are bothering me with them. I vaguely remember their work as dull and uninspired. I certainly made no promises to them.
Do not raise their hopes by looking at their book. The sooner they realise that their futures do not lie in advertising, the better.
I will not prejudge your handling of my department from this distance.
Suffice it to say that you had better tread with maximum caution in the day and a half you have left “in charge.”
[email protected] 1/13/00, 1:35pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Kitty and Jane
Hi Letty,
You’re at lunch so hopefully you’ll read this as soon as you get back. Simon mentioned he’d seen Kitty Bates’s and Jane Backer’s book last week and he’s quite keen on them. He asked me to take a look and tell him what I think. Would you mind sending it over this afternoon? Time is of the essence as I think he wants to move quickly to get some new faces in.
Thanks and best wishes . . .
David Crutton – 1/13/00, 2:19pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: MSTV
My express instructions were for you to sit in my office and watch the debut of our superb magazine show. I imagine then that you wouldn’t have dared miss it, even though your arse wasn’t glued to my sofa. So for your entertainment I have prepared a list of questions about the programme.
Zoë Clarke – 1/13/00, 2:22pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: shit!!!!!!!!!
David wants me to answer questions about MSTV!!!!!! Help!!!
Lorraine Pallister – 1/13/00, 2:25pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: shit!!!!!!!!!
Why don’t you go and see the walking anorak, Godley? Whoever he is he seems to know bloody everything about this place.
Letitia Hegg / [email protected] 1/13/00 – 2:36pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Kitty and Jane
Pinki darling, how perfectly delightful to receive an e from you. You are so touchingly redolent of the footloose sixties that I don’t associate you with the digital revolution!
I must say that I am surprised. When dear Simon looked at Kitty and Jane’s work he hardly spoke like a man who simply had to have them. Still, I am glad of his change of heart (especially when my own 15% is at stake!).
Of course I will have their book despatched to you posthaste. It lies at TBWA as I write and I will have them send it direct. You can expect it before the end of the day. Inform Si that if he does wish to make them an offer they can’t refuse he will have to put his skates on. TBWA are mustard keen and the girls are poised to sign on the dotted.
Always glad to be of service,
Letty
Katie Philpott – 1/13/00, 2:45pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: MSTV
Wow, that was so inspiring!!!! An agency with its own TV show!! And it was brilliant – informative, professional and fun. Well done – Katie P
[email protected] 1/13/00, 2:53pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: you should have seen it
This might cheer you up, boys. We had MSTV today. How bad was it? Put it this way, if any clients see it, they’ll never trust us again with their TV budgets. The best bit was Horne singing the old Sugar Puffs jingle (“There are two men in my life . . .”). Buy the fucking album.
[email protected] 1/13/00, 3:07pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: LOVE
I have just had David tell me that he doesn’t care what the weather is like over there, he wants you to come home with a commercial. At this stage he’s not bothered about quality, he just wants to see exposed film. What are the probabilities so that I can get him off your case?
David Crutton – 1/13/00, 3:14pm
to: Ravi Basnital
cc:
re: silence is golden
It has be
en a glorious ninety-five hours and thirty-four minutes since I had an e-mail from Pertti van Helden. Well done. I am sparing in my praise so you might want to frame this note.
[email protected] 1/13/00, 3:29pm (7:29pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: LOVE
You can tell David that in the course of my chequered career I have been on eighty-six location shoots and never once returned without a commercial. I have waited out seventeen days of monsoon rain in Indonesia with only 200 Silk Cut, three Harold Robbins novels and a tireless local waiter to keep me going. I have watched Amazonian leeches glue themselves to a model hired only for her matchless complexion. Still, I waltzed off with a gold at the British Television Awards. And I have witnessed my leading actress and her hairdresser plunge to their deaths in the Dolomites, all in the cause of ending flyaway frizz. I am not about to let a piffling typhoon ruin my track record.
Tomorrow the wind can blow away camera, focus puller and director (in fact, the petulant way the latter has been behaving, I rather hope it does). If I have to borrow a camcorder from a hotel guest and shoot this fucking script myself, then that is precisely what I will do.
Nigel Godley – 1/13/00, 3:34pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: only me!
Chuffed to make the acquaintance of PA to the CEO. I must be going up in the world! It was a shame you couldn’t watch MSTV, but I’m glad I could bring you up to speed. Would you like to borrow my VHS copy for home-viewing purposes? Perhaps we could have a quick bite one lunchtime and I could fill you in some more on the fascinating history of Miller Shanks. I think you would find the knowledge a boon in developing your relationship with your lord and master.
Nige
Zoë Clarke – 1/13/00, 3:50pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: Godley
Thanks a bloody million!!!!! Now the little creep wants to take me to lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’d rather have got all the questions wrong and been fired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Letitia Hegg / [email protected] 1/13/00, 4:12pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: lunch
I called Susi but the little waif had gone home sick. I spoke to Lorraine – she sounds a friendly northern wench – and booked a slot in your busy, busy schedule. I’ve got you all to myself for lunch next Tuesday. Do you fancy the Greenhouse? I haven’t been there for aeons and I hear tell they have a gifted new chef who can perform miracles with a loin chop.
By the way, I’m sending the two Watford girls’ book to Pinki. She said you were distinctly interested. I’m thrilled at your change of mind after you damned them last week. I said this to your resident hippie and I’ll say it to you: if you desire them, you will have to move like Ben Johnson on triple-strength steroids. Beattie wants them at TBWA and I’d be astonished if they turned down the bubble-permed God.
[email protected] 1/13/00, 4:19pm
to: [email protected]
[email protected]
cc:
re: timesheets
I have been checking my records and found that neither of you have completed any timesheets since September ’98. Please could you let me have these straight away. I must stress the importance of the prompt return of timesheets for the efficient management of the company’s accounts. I know it seems like a chore, but I find that if you make a game of it (for example, compile a simple league table to see which accounts you spend most hours on), it can be fun.
Sorry to be a nag, but we all have a job to do.
Nige
PS: Your cat can’t get enough of the tripe I cooked him, Vince!
[email protected] 1/13/00, 4:22pm (8:22pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: READ THIS NOW!
IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU RECALL THAT PORTFOLIO IMMEDIATELY. PINKI IS UNDER STRICT INSTRUCTIONS NOT TO LOOK AT POTENTIAL RECRUITS. I CANNOT OVERSTRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS E-MAIL.
[email protected] 1/13/00, 4:27pm (8:27pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Kitty and Jane
Letitia informs me that, despite my express order to the contrary, you have gone ahead and requested their portfolio.
It stings me enough that you will not accept my word that they are mediocrities.
More than that, however, your disobedience has become a point of principle.
If on Monday I find that you have so much as fondled the zip on their book, then I will reverse my decision to take you back after your behaviour last week.
You have been warned.
Si
[email protected] 1/13/00, 4:42pm (8:42pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Horne
All day long the arsehole’s been looking smug as a bug on account of Vin’s sorry plight, but we just bumped into him in the bar and he was white as a sheet in a washing powder ad. Didn’t realise he’d take the news of Susi’s mock suicide so hard. Felt a bit sorry for him. Don’t worry, it passed in under a second. Anyway how could anyone seriously feel sympathy for a fat fifty-something in a Marilyn Manson T-shirt and a Hilfiger cap? What fucking planet is he on?
[email protected] 1/13/00, 4:52pm (8:52pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: timesheets
There’s a new system, Godders. Susi Judge-Davis does all the Creative Department timesheets now. She’s much more efficient than any of us. Dump the lot on her desk and she’ll have them back to you before you can say “double entry bookkeeping.”
Brett and Vince
[email protected] 1/13/00, 5:03pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Horne
How wrong could you be? The death row look is because he’s just sussed that Pinki’s about to see Kitty and Jane’s book. He must be evacuating breeze blocks. He e’d Pinki ordering her not to look at it on pain of dismissal. She’s doing the decent thing and ignoring the sly twat.
[email protected] 1/13/00, 5:11pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: timesheets
Nobody tells me anything down in my cubby. Sounds like a topping plan though – maybe the creative department will at last catch up with the rest of the agency in this unglamorous but crucial activity. All outstanding timesheets will be with Susi first thing tomorrow. Thanks for the info, fellas!
Nige
Letitia Hegg / [email protected] 1/13/00, 5:22pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: READ THIS NOW!
Darling, I’ve this minute stepped out of an interview (a charming art director at Grey – I must send her your way) and I’ve read your screaming e-mail. I called TBWA but it was too late – the book was already en route. Never mind. I’m sure that if you call Pinki, she’ll send it straight back to me unopened. I have to say though that I’ve never known you blow so hot and cold on one of my little teams – you’re usually so firm and decisive. But Kitty and Jane seem to be having quite an effect on the CDs they encounter.
Letty
[email protected] 1/13/00, 5:32pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Cliffhanger
The merchandise has arrived. Pinki wouldn’t let me near it. She thumbed through it in total silence. Then she picked it up and swept out to see Crutton. Mood: fucking livid. Her close mates Love and Peace aren’t getting a look in.
&
nbsp; Pinki Fallon – 1/13/00, 6:21pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: urgent
I’ve been looking everywhere for David, Harriet or you. I need to see one or both of them on a matter of unbelievable importance. The second you return to your desk please let me know where I can find them. Thanks.
Zoë Clarke – 1/13/00, 6:35pm
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: urgent
Sorry, Pinki, but you’ve just missed them. They’ve both gone off to a client dinner. Freedom I think. I’d suggest you call them on David’s mobile, but he’s left it with me to charge up. Can it wait?
Pinki Fallon – 1/13/00, 6:36pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: urgent
No it can’t. Which restaurant are they in? I’ll reach them there.
Zoë Clarke – 1/13/00, 6:40pm
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: urgent
Can’t remember. Sorry. I think it begins with P. Or is it V? I’m not sure, to be honest.
[email protected] 1/13/00, 7:16pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Cliffhanger II
She couldn’t get Crutton. He’s gone off to dinner with Harriet and the dork Zoë can’t remember which restaurant she booked them into. So she showed me Kitty and Jane’s 7UP campaign and asked me what I thought. The closet arse bandit is guilty as charged. Now she’s got Lol to round up whoever is still here so she can brief them on a new Coke campaign. Looks like I won’t be tucked up at home tonight.
Sleep well, boys, content in the knowledge that you’ve just done a fucking superb day’s work.
[email protected] 1/13/00, 7:21pm (11:21pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Cliffhanger II
Sleep? You must be fucking joking. This is the best I’ve felt since I copped off with Delia Stubbs (year 2, Sacred Heart, Brighton). We’re gonna hit the Swaying Palms disco before all the underage French minxes are dragged off to bed by their mums. I feel lucky.
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