We open close up on the filthy tailgate of a truck. Bloke One (Vincent) walks into shot and with index finger writes in the grime: I WISH MY WIFE WAS AS DIRTY AS THIS VAN.
Exit Bloke One and we pause on his scribbling for a moment.
Enter Bloke Two (Brett, you guessed right) who reads the graffito before adding a postscript: SHE IS, MATE.
We then fade to black and a title:
THE LOVE CHANNEL.
BUY HER A SUBSCRIPTION.
BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES.
We headed for the carpark and commandeered a van (curiously, a Coke truck) and shot. It went like a dream, my darling. The hapless Frank Sinton joined us and said “you could’ve shot this on Wimbledon bloody Broadway.” But he was missing the point entirely – that point being awards, precious heart. Besides, he is Mr. Yesterday and are we concerned for his opinion? Don’t be so silly.
Danny Boy was flapping that we had not had this script approved by a living soul, but my two lads cared not a jot. To be honest I am beginning to acquire their taste for the dangerous life.
So our film is in the can at last. I am going to pack my bags and then we will party like it’s 1999 – well, bless my silk socks, we just did that! I have my eye on a waiter who looks like Omar Sharif in Dr. Zhivago – you know my weakness for a lush moustache.
Simon has gone to ground again. Not a whisper from the old gasbag. Is something afoot? Brett and Vincent have been wearing the expressions of the cats that inherited the St. Ivel Creamery, and I think there’s more to it than their cinematic triumph.
[email protected] 1/14/00, 4:30pm (8:30pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Carry On Advertising
Are we brilliant or what, mate? We have shot the best film ever today. Remember the dirty van script – the first one we did on LOVE that Horne trashed? It starred yours truly and my lovely assistant, Vin. Apart from the fact that it took him twelve takes to spell DIRTY right, he was Bobby sodding de Niro.
Sounds like you’re having a barrel of laughs over there. How the fuck did Finland get in on the act? Don’t expect us to dig you out. As of Monday we’re selling our butts to the highest bidder. This time I’m not getting out of my Slumberland for less than fifty grand and a 325i with a fuck-off sound system.
It’s our wrap party now. We’re going to watch Nathan and Mel fight over this waiter they’ve both been gagging for all week. See you Sunday night. Assuming we’re not too jetlagged and/or you’re not impaling Lol on the shag pile.
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 4:43pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: Coke
Everybody who has worked on Coke, or has even drunk one these past two weeks, will be at their desks tomorrow. I’m sure I can find plenty for you to do. Besides, James Weissmuller will be in the office and it is in all of our interests that he thinks none of us have lives beyond these four walls.
As for the rest of you, you will spend the next two days picking your most client-friendly outfits and working out how you will spend Monday showing more bustle than you have ever done. The pitch is at 12:00 and when the Coke people arrive this agency will not only shine like a new pin, it will crackle with activity.
Enjoy the weekend.
David Crutton
CEO
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 4:50pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Coke
Further to my all-staffer, I would like you to calculate the empty secretarial desks we will have on Monday and fill them with temps. If they want something to do, hand them Bibles, tell them to turn to Genesis, Chapter 1, Verse 1, and to start typing.
[email protected] 1/14/00, 4:57pm (8:57pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
I have had no response to my earlier e-mail. If I am to play a leading role in Monday’s meeting as my status dictates, I do not see how you can expect me to do so if I have not seen the work. Your six-monthly assessment is due shortly, Harriet, and you would do well to bear in mind that I am not always forgiving.
While I am writing, I should inform you that today Melinda, Brett and Vince shot a commercial that bore no resemblance to any script that had previously been approved. I made it quite clear to them that never in my time as Head of Client Services had I allowed anything like this to happen and that I wanted no part of it. I have tried to talk to David about it but he has not returned my calls. Please convey to him my profound misgivings about what has occurred here.
Zoë Clarke – 1/14/00, 5:05pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: tonight
Crutton has given me a five-point plan to retype for the morning!!! Seventy fucking pages to make five crappy points!!!!! Can’t believe I’m losing my Friday night and my weekend as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/14/00, 5:11pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Dan
He has been nagging all day for word on Coke. What, if anything, shall I tell him?
He is also bothered that the film they shot for LOVE today wasn’t what was agreed. On the other hand, Mel e-mailed me to say they’d made excellent progress. She described the script and it sounds superb. Going by your criterion of “just make sure they return with any film,” they have more than met the brief.
Incidentally, I have no political agenda regarding Jim Weissmuller. I had plans tomorrow night and I’m disappointed to have to break them. If you want to stand me down from dinner with him, I’d be delighted.
[email protected] 1/14/00, 5:21pm (7:21pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
I am having last minute brainstorms with my teams and we have some crazy-mad ideas that maybe we can incorporate.
• Coke baseball caps and bombing jackets to give a youthful, “rock band” look.
• Decorating of the pitching room in an ocean theme to be reflecting the underwater world of Aqua. (I can be supplying many Finnish herring artefacts for this purpose.)
• A musical poster lorry that is singing the song as the clients are leaving.
Let me know which of these are bowling your socks off. I will be at my workstation a few more hours yet and I am at your disposing – Pertti.
Nigel Godley – 1/14/00, 5:26pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Coke
I have processed a number of purchase orders on the Coca-Cola pitch, so does that qualify me to work at the weekend? I do pop in most Saturdays and/or Sundays but tomorrow I am due to take part in a sponsored Hymn-a-thon for the St. Mary’s of Balham Steeple Fund. I would hate to let Father Clive down.
Nige
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 5:33pm
to: Nigel Godley
cc:
re: Coke
Use your own judgement.
David Crutton – 1/14/00, 5:42pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Dan
Tell him no more than he needs to know. Given that he will not be attending the pitch, that means nothing.
Lorraine Pallister – 1/14/00, 5:59pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: get a bloody move on
When are you going to take me away from all this?
Liam O’Keefe – 1/14/00, 6:04pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: get a bloody move on
Not tonight. Me and Lily the Pink are trying to do Coke posters. We’re stuffed. I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere till Monday PM.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/14/00, 6:16pm
to: Creative Department
cc:
re: Simon’s return
A
s you know, Simon is back on Monday. You know he dislikes people drifting in so can we all make an extra special effort to arrive on time. Also could whoever put the life-size cut-out of Charlotte Church with the obscene speech bubble by the coffee machine please remove it. Just one other thing – please observe Simon’s ban on smoking in the corridor. I notice that this has been ignored over the last few days.
Since Simon will be busy sorting out Coke on Monday I imagine he will want to delay the Monday morning progress meeting. I have pencilled it in for 8:45 on Tuesday. Please make sure that it is in your diaries.
Thx – Susi
[email protected] 1/14/00, 6:36pm (10:36pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Harriet
I have been attempting to raise her all day so that she can bring me up to speed on Coke. I wish only to help. Perhaps my experience could afford some insights that may make the difference between defeat and victory. Would you have a quiet word and ask her to get in touch? You know that I hate to tattle, but I suspect she is avoiding me deliberately.
[email protected] 1/14/00, 6:42pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Harriet
You may be thousands of miles and four time zones away, but even from there your powers of perception are staggering.
[email protected] 1/14/00, 6:50pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: home news
Darling, I have finally got everything just how you like it. I can’t wait for life to return to normal. I have briefed the department on your expectations. Pinki has let standards slide this week, so they needed to be reminded. I hope everything is well with you. I’m a little worried that I haven’t heard from you all day. You’re probably just unwinding after a hard shoot – I’m being silly aren’t I? You relax and enjoy yourself. You deserve it . . . Sx
Nigel Godley – 1/14/00, 6:55pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Coke
Father Clive was disappointed but he understands the importance of my career. He thinks he can find a replacement tenor. I’ll see you tomorrow – Nige
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/14/00, 7:09pm
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: Coke
Any joy on posters?
Pinki Fallon – 1/14/00, 7:14pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Coke
You’re kidding, aren’t you? Ask us tomorrow morning . . .
[email protected] 1/14/00, 7:22pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
Thank you for your thoughts, Pertti. Like the Energiser Bunny, you just go on and on. You have some astonishing ideas, but I believe the secret of a successful pitch is to not have too much of a good thing. Until tomorrow.
Saturday, January 15th
David Crutton – 1/15/00, 11:23am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: meeting
Would everybody who is in to work on Coke (excluding Nigel Godley) assemble in the boardroom. James Weissmuller has arrived. He would like to meet you and make a brief announcement.
David Crutton
CEO
Zoë Clarke – 1/15/00, 11:59am
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: yuck!
Crutton has just given me their lunch order. Big Jim wants sushi! Raw fish!!!! Puke!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lorraine Pallister – 1/15/00, 12:02pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: stars and tripe
Think of the speech he just made. When that much shit comes out of your mouth, you’ve got to replace it with something.
Pinki Fallon – 1/15/00, 12:58pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: posters
We’ve got some ideas. Can’t tell whether they’re brilliant or crap. You’d better come and see them . . .
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/15/00, 1:22pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Coke
Pinki and Liam have just shown me some posters, which we all agree are well below par. If you can free yourself from Jim for a few moments you should take a look.
David Crutton – 1/15/00, 1:27pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Coke
He’s about to leave for his hotel. I’ll be with you in ten minutes.
David Crutton – 1/15/00, 1:54pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Coke
You’re right. Those posters are diabolical, but frankly I’m past caring. Let’s go with them. It wasn’t my idea to present this campaign and when we lose the pitch I’m not going to carry the can (absolutely no pun intended).
Zoë Clarke – 1/15/00, 2:48pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: someone’s here
Security called to say there’s a man called Perry Van Halen in reception to see you. Shall I go and get him?
David Crutton – 1/15/00, 2:54pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: someone’s here
He’s called Pertti van Helden. He’s the CEO in Finland. Bring him up and be extremely nice to him.
David Crutton – 1/15/00, 2:58pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Pertti
Noggin the Nog is in the building. Why don’t you come and be introduced?
[email protected] 1/15/00, 3:34pm
to: debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk
cc:
re: what am I doing here?
We all had to come into work today because there’s a massive presentation to Coke on Monday. Don’t know why the fuck I am in. I haven’t got any work to do but I think it’s about looking busy. The whole place is going more stupid than usual. The American President of Everything has arrived for it. He’s wearing a monogrammed, blue striped shirt with a white collar and yellow braces. He’s got a sidekick with him who’s wearing the same gear, only slightly narrower stripes and braces and a smaller monogram. It must be a sign of rank. Mr. President gave us a speech. Remember the “greed is good” number that Michael Douglas did in Wall Street? It wasn’t anything like it – this one was bollocks. They must be spending a fortune. They’re flying Aqua in for the meeting on Monday to sing a bloody thirty-second jingle. No sense, no taste, just too much fucking money. Get in touch soon and say something to keep me sane – Lol x
Lorraine Pallister – 1/15/00, 3:38pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: jump
You look like you need some executive stress relief. I’ve found a spare key to Daniel Westbrooke’s office. He has a big sofa and a bottle of vodka in his fridge. See you there.
David Crutton – 1/15/00, 3:55pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: posters
I have shown Van Halen (Zoë’s slip of the keyboard but I rather like it) the posters and he loves them, especially the one with the musical notes coming out of the can. What the fuck do we know, eh? If you need to take him through the presentation I have put him up in Desperate Dan’s office. Zoë is taking him down there now.
David Crutton – 1/15/00, 4:14pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: warning
You are very lucky that the man who just walked in on you with your spotty arse humping away comes from the Land of Mixed Saunas and found the episode wholesomely touching. It could easily have been the other foreigner we have in our midst – the one who would be exercising his constitutional right to bear arms were it not fo
r the airport x-ray machines. If you insist on shagging in the office, learn some discretion and lock the door from the inside. Or find a broom cupboard.
Sunday, January 16th
David Crutton – 1/16/00, 10:19am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: dinner
Last night I spent three hours at the Savoy Grill in the crashingly dull company of Van Halen, Korning and Korning’s stultifying flow charts.
How was it for you and Jim? Did the earth move? I trust you made me sound excellent.
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/16/00, 10:28am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: dinner
It was very good, thank you. Jim is entertaining, if a little gung-ho. I now know all there is to know about Florida big-game fishing, his fifty-room house in the Hamptons and Mark McGwire’s seventy home runs in a season. I’m afraid I wasn’t able to present your new business plan. Jim wanted to steer clear of shop talk.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/16/00, 11:43am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: marker pens
Having drawn my 5,000th Coke can, I’ve finally run out of blood red Magic Markers (A313). Anyone got some?
Nigel Godley – 1/16/00, 11:52am
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: marker pens
I have a box of red ballpoints. Any use? Nige
David Crutton – 1/16/00, 12:13pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: pitch rehearsal
There will be a full-scale run-through at 1:00 in the boardroom. Everyone who needs to be in it, don’t be late. The rest of you, some peace and quiet please.
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