Anyway, you’d better come up to my office. Pertti, Jim and Aqua are on their way and the back slapping is about to begin.
And what’s this website that everyone is referring to?
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/17/00, 3:33pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: thoughts
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to speak to you today, but I’ve been terribly busy catching up. Congratulations on your handling of Coke. It is a shame that, from what I can gather, we do not stand a realistic chance of winning. However, the experience will stand you in good stead for the future.
While I was away I had an opportunity to mull over some ideas for a restructuring of the account management function. I foresee a redefined role for you: less hands-on client responsibility, more getting stuck into the graduate intake and taking a firm grasp of the staff training nettle.
As you know, I am a confirmed believer in nurturing tomorrow’s little Cruttons and Westbrookes, and I think you have a gift for teaching as opposed to doing. Of course, I have to run these thoughts past David, but perhaps the two of us could get together and chew the unsaturated.
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 3:47pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: Coke
I am sure you are all eager to know how it went. I don’t believe a stronger strategic or creative case for Coca-Cola to come to Miller Shanks could have been made. Our performance made me proud to be your Chief Executive.
TBWA, WCRS, JWT and McCann Erickson have also made their bids, and now we must wait. I understand it will be a couple of days. Fingers crossed.
David Crutton
CEO
Ken Perry – 1/17/00, 3:58pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: pop groups
The reception area is presently being overrun by young girls who are here to see the pop group Aqua. The furnishings and carpeting of the frontal lobby zone were not designed to cope with the stresses imposed by large numbers of children of school age unaccompanied by responsible adults.
This incident serves as a good example of why myself or a member of my department must be informed prior to the arrival of members of the showbusiness fraternity, so that we can ensure that adequate security is in place.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Ken Perry
Office Administrator
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/17/00, 4:14pm
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: thoughts
Thanks for your e-mail. By the strangest coincidence, I have just a few moments ago been talking to Jim Weissmuller about my own ideas on a more efficient structure for account management. We must get together and pool our thinking. Let me know when you would like to do it.
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 4:33pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: Liam
If he is around tell him I would like a chat. I have a suspicion he can tell me much about this website upon which your erstwhile boss’s buttocks figure so prominently. If I’d known he was that hairy, believe me, I would never have hired him.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/17/00, 4:41pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Liam
He, like the rest of the department, is in Bar Zero getting disgustingly drunk with Brett and Vince. I will leave a Post-it on his desk. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to go home. This has been a very difficult day.
Kelly Derringer / [email protected] 1/17/00, 5:12pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: your presentation to Coca-Cola
Dear David,
Thank you for a quite outstanding presentation. There was so much to be impressed by, not least the strong evidence of international co-operation with your Helsinki office. This is something we are looking for in our search for a more homogenous approach across our European markets.
We also loved the creative. It is bright and cheerful and in Aqua you have found the elusive vehicle that appeals to a multiplicity of age groups. Not only am I a fan, but so too are my twelve-year-old son and six-year-old daughter!
Allow me to cut to the chase. When we left TBWA on Friday we had them in first place. My team and I felt that it would take a superlative pitch from you to remove them from that position.
On the return journey to our offices we were unanimous in agreeing you delivered just that. We further agreed that it would serve no purpose to delay our verdict. It therefore gives me great pleasure to say that we would very much like to award our advertising account to Miller Shanks.
There only remains the issue of agreeing remuneration levels. However, I anticipate no major hurdles in this regard. I would be grateful if you could call my office to arrange a time in the next day or two to discuss. I would also be grateful if you could keep the news within the confines of your offices until we have had the opportunity to formally tell the other four competing agencies of our decision.
Congratulations, David. I am very much looking forward to getting down to work with you and your excellent team. There is much to do!
Yours truly,
Kelly Derringer,
Senior Vice President, Marketing and Promotion, Coca-Cola GB
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 5:20pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: Coke
WE WON! CHAMPAGNE AND COKE IN THE BOARDROOM NOW!
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 6:58pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: dinner
My apologies, but I won’t be able to join you and the Coke team for dinner tonight. Jim wants a private chat before he flies out. After this afternoon’s triumph, it seems he has plans for me. Don’t worry, I won’t forget you from my throne at the right hand of JFW.
Tuesday, January 18th
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/18/00, 8:47am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Coke
Since Kelly is in at 4:30, I thought it would be sensible to present her with a management structure for our handling of the account. I’ve drawn up an outline. Can I have some time this morning to talk it through?
You’ll be pleased to know that Pertti missed you last night. He climbed onto the table and sang “I Need a Hero” in your honour. It was very funny, but I guess you had to be there.
Zoë Clarke – 1/18/00, 9:10am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Coke
I got your voicemail about putting a time in with David. Is 11:15 OK? He’s not here yet but I’ll tell him when he arrives.
Zoë Clarke – 1/18/00, 9:19am
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: my fucking head!!!!!!
I can hardly see for this headache and I threw up on the platform at Baker Street!!!!!!! I’ll never, ever, ever, ever drink again, I swear!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I bloody rushed in didn’t I and David’s only decided to have his first late start for a million, zillion years!!!!!!!!!! He’s just phoned me from his car. He’ll be another half hour!!!!!! What happened to you? The last time I saw you, Liam had his head up your skirt!!!!!! Good time then?!!!!
Zoë Clarke – 1/18/00, 9:43am
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: Crettin
He’s just got here. Told me to cancel all his meetings and not put any calls through!!!!!!!!!!! I told him Harriet needed to see him and he threw his mobile at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then he went into his office and slammed the door!!!!!! He’s really pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
David Crutton – 1/18/00, 9:48am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: you
My conversation with Weissmuller contained some unanticipated twists. He is not entirely happy. It follows then that neither am I. See me now.
Daniel Westbrooke –
1/18/00, 10:29am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Coke
I am sorry that I did not have the chance to congratulate you personally. This is a staggering win. There are plenty of moaning minnies both inside and outside the agency who questioned our ability to pull it off, but I said all along that with you at the helm we’d prove them wrong. I had a good feeling about it right at the very start when I met with Coke to take the brief.
Now the real work begins. I stayed late last night to draft a structure for our administration of the business, and I would like to talk it over with you. When would you be free?
David Crutton – 1/18/00, 10:37am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: Coke
fuck off
[email protected] 1/18/00, 10:51am
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: very weird
You up yet or did you choke on your own vomit and die in your sleep? There’s some strange things going on here. Harriet had a closed doors session with Crutton and according to the Zoë grapevine there was some serious chucking of hard objects and shouting from both of them. Harriet came down a few minutes ago and dragged Pinki off to the ladies. I sent Lol in to earwig and it turns out Tarzan F. gave Crutton an official warning – the Sun, the Great Coke Robbery, Carla Browne’s drug allegations, Kimbelle, you name it. His failure to spend four hours a day doing Tarzan-style ab crunches probably got chucked in as well. Crutton has to pass the blame on, so he’s sticking it to Harriet – claims she’s stitching him up. If you ask me, Weissmuller’s being a tad ungrateful. Doesn’t winning Coke count for something? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling sorry for Crutton, I just hate those fucking Yanks. Tossers.
Anyway, get out of bed and get a job. I’m sick of paying my taxes and watching idle spongers like you sit around watching Jerry Springer.
Kelly Derringer / [email protected] 1/18/00, 11:13am
to: [email protected]
cc: [email protected]
re: change of circumstances
Dear David,
It is with the deepest regret that I am writing this, but I feel I have no other choice.
Last night I arrived home to find my son on his PC. Ordinarily the private activities of my family would be no concern of yours, but this situation is very different. I told him about our new advertising agency and to show off his computer skills he keyed in Miller Shanks and executed an Internet search.
The result of this was a short film clip. It featured your Executive Creative Director and a transvestite performing an act of unspeakable depravity in the very office I was given a tour of yesterday afternoon.
You will appreciate that I had no option other than to break the news of this distressing discovery to my colleagues this morning. After a short discussion we were of one mind.
A brand like Coca-Cola, with its proud history of clean living and family values, could never be placed into the trust of those who maintain such libertine moral standards.
It is therefore with sadness that I inform you we have decided not to award our advertising account to Miller Shanks after all. As you will read in the trade press, we have handed TBWA the challenge of representing us.
Once again I would like to thank you for a highly professional presentation. I am only sorry that it gave a less than candid picture of the full breadth of your agency’s abilities.
If I may close on a personal note, it sickens me to the marrow that I have been exposed to the perverted antics that you allow to go on in your offices. However, there are not the words to describe how angry I feel that my two young children have also been scarred by them.
Yours sincerely,
Kelly Derringer
Senior Vice President, Marketing and Promotion, Coca-Cola GB
Zoë Clarke – 1/18/00, 11:19am
to: Ken Perry
cc:
re: emergency
A window has been accidentally broken in David’s office! Could we have a couple of your lads to clean it up please? Ta!!
[email protected] 1/18/00, 11:31am
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: your leaving present
You know you and Vin were too arse-holed to ride your bikes home last night and left them parked out front? Your R1 now has an accessory that Yamaha never dreamed of – Crutton’s laptop is buried in the petrol tank. I think we just lost Coke.
Monday, February 7th
[email protected] 2/7/00, 10:31am
to: [email protected]
[email protected]
cc:
re: welcome back
So, how was Tenerife? You got pissed, shagged and tanned, yes? You surprise me. Anyway, hope you’re nicely rested up for Day One at TBWA. What’s Beattie given you to do? Don’t tell me. Coke.
It’s been an eventful 3 weeks since you buggered off. The details:
You missed the first airing of your LOVE ad. I caught it in the Friends break on Friday. Stonking effort, boys. Except Lol says you should’ve got your hair cut, Vin.
You also missed a top going-away do for Crutton last week. As our longest serving senior arsehole, Desperate Dan made a sincere and moving speech. It featured the words “major,” “contribution,” “advertising” and “history.” You get the drift. The whip-round had raised all of forty-seven quid, but Crutton only stayed half an hour and wasn’t there for the presentation of six Dartington tumblers in a leatherette presentation casket – ungrateful tosser.
Miller Shanks Bucharest won’t know what’s hit them. Give the poor bastards a couple of weeks and they’ll be dreaming of the carefree days of Communism.
Judge Dredd has taken to working for Dan like a dream. She’s already sounding off that she’s PA to one of the most senior figures in advertising and she should be shown a little more respect – Cupid couldn’t have made a better match.
Lol looks a treat in her power suit outside Barry Clement’s office. He hasn’t arrived yet, but I hope he doesn’t give the future Mrs. O’Keefe (look, she’s met my mum and that’s as good as a ring in my book) the notion that she’s too important for me. Mind you, her saucy mate, Debbie, started this morning so there’s always Plan B.
All the changes haven’t affected Pinki a bit. She’s the same fruit-bat she ever was. Her hypnotherapist told her she’s the reincarnation of Ernest Hemingway. That would explain both her writing abilities and the fact that she’s taken up cheroots.
Still no sign of Horne, and they can’t fire him until they find him. He’s a slippery twat alright, but Ronnie Biggs he ain’t. He’ll turn up sooner or later. There’s gossip that the CEO of MS Manila spotted him outside a drag bar. There’s also a rumour he’s getting a slot on LOVE presenting “TV’s on TV” – no, I just made that up.
That’s all the news that’s fit to print. Give me a bell as soon as they plug in your phones. I’ve got work to do now – casting for a bloke to play opposite Ivana Trump in the new Freedom ad. Has to be young enough to look like her boy toy but not young enough to be her son. It’s a fine fucking line we tread.
I’ll close on an item from the Twilight Zone. Lol just took a call from Quentin Tarantino’s agent who was wondering when the Kimbelle shoot was so they could work it into QT’s hectic schedule. You figure that out.
Harriet Greenbaum – 2/7/00, 11:11am
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: I’m parched
If you could take your nose out of Cosmo for one moment, a fresh pot of coffee would be nice.
Harriet Greenbaum – 2/7/00, 11:25am
to: All Departments
cc: [email protected]
re: A NEW DAWN
It has been a turbulent start to the year, but I am certain the changes that have resulted are both exciting and pos
itive.
Firstly, I would like to say an enormous thank you to David Crutton. His Herculean efforts have given us a solid foundation upon which to build a bright future. His forceful personality and ceaseless dynamism are our loss and Romania’s gain.
Secondly I would like you to join me in congratulating Dan Westbrooke as he steps down from running client services and takes up his important new role. As Director of Resource and Training, the graduate intake programme is in excellent hands.
And finally I would like you to offer your full support to our new creative directors.
Over the last six months Pinki Fallon has demonstrated both her dedication and flair on countless occasions. She deserves this opportunity to lead Miller Shanks in the quest for creative excellence.
In Barry Clement, who joins us today from Abbott Mead Vickers, she has a charming, experienced and incredibly talented deputy.
Pinki’s promotion and Barry’s arrival stand as a symbol of our determination to rise to a position of pre-eminence in British advertising.
Let’s help them get off to a flying start by winning the Barbie pitch!
Harriet Greenbaum
CEO
Pinki Fallon – 2/7/00, 11:34am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Barbie
Harriet, you know my reservations. I find it hard to condone a product that cynically exploits girls at a vulnerable age and presents them with oppressive stereotypes. I’d feel more comfortable with it if we proposed a fundamental repositioning of their entire product range. Think of the positive role models we could give children. Imagine Lesbian Trucker Barbie, Single-Mum Barbie or Size-16 Barbie. Perhaps Barry and myself should get together with a couple of teams and brainstorm this . . .
*For our trip to Mauritius, in case you were wondering.
*Preparing myself mentally for an arduous three-in-a-bed scenario, in case you were wondering.
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