Breathe Again

by Kamy Chetty

  Skylar grunted. “Right on both counts. I called it in and then ended up a patient. I'm fine. Check him out. He was unconscious. He could have a concussion. Make sure you check his GCS.”

  “You a doctor?” the medic asked.

  “Nurse,” she said between her teeth as a contraction came on. The pains were not meant to come on this quickly. Was this payback? Hadn’t she been through enough without having to give birth in public?

  The first paramedic knelt beside her. “I'm Kim. I need to check your blood pressure.”

  She nodded. “It's probably sky-high with this pain.”

  “Well, I still need to check. Don't worry; Matt will check the biker out.”

  Skye held onto her side as the pain subsided. “I've nursed so many patients, but who knew it's this bad?”

  “I wish I could say I know what you're going through, but I don't have any kids. They say you forget once the baby is in your arms.”

  “That had better be right. I'm Skylar. I have a new appreciation for those mothers. My doctor thought my pressure was a little high the last time, so she told me to take it easy.”

  She waited for Kim to take her blood pressure.

  “That's pretty high. Are you on treatment?” Kim asked.

  “No, it always came down before it got that bad. How high is it?” Skylar clenched her teeth, trying to even out her breathing.

  Kim wrapped up the cuff. “One-ninety over one-twenty.”

  Skye wriggled to get comfortable. “Yep, that's high. I'm booked in at Hawkes Bay Hospital. How about we go straight there?”

  Kim checked to make sure her partner had everything under control, and then she helped Skye into the ambulance. In less than five minutes, they made their way to the hospital. In that time, Skye had two more contractions.

  After thirty minutes of staring at the wall, her blood pressure was still not coming down, and with everyone coming in and out of her room to wish her good luck before the delivery, Skylar didn't have time to be anything but scared.

  Judie placed a glass half filled with ice chips next to her bed, and she wiped away the beads of sweat from her forehead. “You want me to make that call?”

  Skylar avoided her gaze as she took the plastic cup with the ice chips, spooned a few into her mouth and crunched. It was all she was allowed to eat or drink. She was in active labor, but the doctors were scared she might need to go to surgery, and they needed her to be starved.

  “I have his number.” Judie prompted.

  “You think he’s going to jump on the first flight from the Middle-of–Nowhere- Australia and come here? That's thinking a lot of him.” Skylar shook her head.

  Judie took the cup from her and placed it on the table next to her. “That's your hurt talking.”

  Damn straight it was her hurt talking. She was scared and needed him. She gave him an out, but he didn’t have to take her up on it and go all the way across the world. Her life was about to be ripped apart, and she needed him. Where was he?

  “I’m fine.” Liar.

  “Have you always been this stubborn?” Judie asked.

  “Where's that doctor of mine? Surely it's been long enough and there are some answers. I feel a little spacey. They didn't give me any drugs, did they? I told them no drugs.”

  Judie’s gaze held concern. “I'm going to take your blood pressure.”

  She shook her head and looked around for the call bell. “It's fine they have nurses for that.”

  “I am a nurse.” Judie took the BP cuff and started to wrap it around her arm.

  Skylar pushed Judie’s hand away. “Don't do that. Let someone else do that. It's their job.”

  “Skye, you're getting agitated. I am going to do your blood pressure and call your doctor. I am getting a bit concerned.” Judie squeezed her hand.

  An overwhelming sense of terror invaded her, and she turned to the older woman. “Judie, I don't feel well. What's happening to me?”

  Judie reached across, pulled the bell and pressed it. “Honey, I think it's the pre-eclampsia. I think you're about to have a seizure.”

  She could feel her head shake. “No. No. Don't. Nick. Where's Nick? The baby. Oh hell— we have to get the baby. Tell Nick. I didn't mean to send him away. Tell him I’m sorry. Please tell him so he doesn't leave me. Tell him.”

  *****

  “When?” he asked Judie. His knuckles whitened as he fisted them at his sides. This couldn’t be happening. He turned looking for something to punch. Finding nothing, he turned his attention back to Judie.

  His fingers shook as he reached to comb them through his messy hair. His head pounded while his heart raced. His throat ached.

  Judie reached out to touch his shoulder. “Now.”

  Helplessness enveloped him. He pushed Judie aside, making his way to Skye.

  Dammit. He was late. He should have come earlier. If only he was here a little earlier. Had taken an earlier flight.

  He rushed into surgery as the doctors were making their way in. The nurses showed him to the change room, where he pulled on a pair of scrubs. Usually they didn't allow dads into the surgery when the mother was put under general anesthetic, but he asked to wait in the small area outside. He wanted to—no needed to—be there. It was a feeling that was so strong, it possessed him.

  He sat outside the surgery with his head in his hands, thinking of all the things he would do better if Skylar came through this.

  Her eyes smiled up at him. Her laugh teased him. Her lips taunted him. He heard the monitors. Beeps. He curled his hands into tight fists.

  The not knowing killed him. He had failed so many times in his life. The many times he had tried to help his mother. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. The final time.

  With a thought to tough love, he’d walked out. Told her that was it. She had to clean up her act. He was done.

  He came home to her dead on the floor. Cold and dead. Nothing he could do.

  “Doctor Delaney, your girl.” The nurse brought out a pink bundle. Nick looked up. His chest still heavy with remembered grief.

  “How is she?” he asked.

  “Your baby is fine.” The nurse gave him a compassionate smile.

  “My wife. How is my wife?” he demanded.

  The nurse hesitated. His heart paused. He knew the taste of bad news.

  “The doctors are still working on her. There is a lot of bleeding. I will keep you updated. But your baby girl is fine.”

  Her baby. He’d always said it was her baby. His eyes closed and he felt his heart tear to shreds. Skye, his life, his love. That’s all he wanted. His wife. He’d do anything. Even accept her baby as his, if she came out of this alive. Even try to be a father.

  He didn’t look at the child. He held the bundle like he would any other child. He didn’t bother to unwrap the bundle. He wasn’t the excited dad hoping to see his eyes or his nose. He didn’t even care. He wanted Skye. Yes, if Skye survived, he’d accept her baby.

  Nick looked at the nurse and finally at the little bundle in his arms. How could this happen again? He was beginning to get everything in order, and suddenly it was all falling apart again.

  He couldn't finally accept he loved her, and they were going to be a family, only to lose her. Not again. Not like this. Not when his heart started beating for the first time. Not when he could finally breathe again.

  Another nurse came out and took the baby from him. He gave up the baby willingly. He still hadn’t unwrapped the bundle and looked. Still hadn’t wanted to. Hadn’t needed to. Couldn’t be bothered to. Skye was his only concern.

  The nurse fussed over the baby and smiled up at him. “I need to take her to the special care baby unit for observations.”

  He got to his feet. His heart refused to stop its breakneck speed. He stood in one spot and looked at the door. Behind that door held his future. He finally understood it. Nothing else mattered.

  The hours before she woke were too long. He smelled like hospital. He always smelled like
hospital—it came with the job description—but this time was different. This time, it was infused into his bloodstream in such a way that it weakened him. Because this time it made him a victim. This time it threw him curveballs and made his angst about the outcome too heavy to bear.

  All he yearned for was to see those emeralds of her eyes again. He didn’t care if they weren't as polished or they didn’t sparkle or shine as they normally did. He just wanted to see them again. He brushed Skylar’s hair aside and kissed her forehead.

  Her long lashes slowly fluttered open, and she narrowed her gaze . “Hey, you're here.”

  His heart lurched. This was all he’d been waiting for. “Where else would I be?” he asked.

  She looked a little dazed. Confused. “I’m not sure what’s happened?” She lifted her head and looked around. Then her hand went to her abdomen, and she shook her head. Fear stood in her eyes.

  “No, this can’t have happened. Nick, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

  He wasn’t sure what she thought, but he placed his hand on her shoulder. “Calm down, babe. It’s okay. You’re in the hospital.”

  “I wasn’t. I was out walking and there was a bang. A man was hurt and I went to help him.” She lifted herself.

  He tried to settle her down. She was confused. There was no man. She was delusional. Patients often had a reaction to the sedation. “I’m here. Your baby is okay. She is being taken care of.”

  Skye turned to him. “My baby is okay? She’s well…and normal?”

  Nick swallowed. He didn’t know. He hadn’t asked. He didn’t see. He hadn’t want to know.

  “I—” He brushed her hair aside. “Rest now. The nurse will bring her in later.”

  “I didn’t give birth in the street?” she asked.

  Damn. How was it possible to be so self-absorbed that he didn’t even think about what she was going through? He hadn’t asked about what had happened before she came in. He hadn’t cared about the baby, when he knew she would. He didn’t deserve this woman.

  “You didn’t. Although with your flair for doing things your way, I wouldn’t have been surprised,” he teased.

  She looked around. “I’m in the hospital. The biker. Is he okay?”

  “I don’t know, baby, but I am sure they took good care of him. Like they’re taking good care of you.” He stroked her cheek.

  “It’s good to see you here. I take it Judie called you?” she asked.

  So many mistakes to make up for. Where to start? “No, she didn’t call me. I was here already.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek.

  Her eyes brightened. “You came. She didn’t call?”

  Nick knew his heart was breaking. “I came.”

  Her brow creased. “I feel tired. I’m going to rest now. But you came. You’re not going, right?”

  He swallowed. “No, I’m not going. Rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

  Her eyes closed for a moment and then shot open. “Wait. I can’t sleep. My baby. I have to see her. Make sure she’s okay. I have to see her.”

  Nick settled a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay. She’s in the baby unit being taken care of. You need to rest.”

  “No.” She squirmed away from him and tried to sit up but winced. “Ouch, it hurts.”

  “You’ve had an operation. You can’t move yet. You’ll see your baby soon.” Nick saw disappointment in her eyes. Guilt pulled him closer to the bed. “Hey, if there was anything to report, I’d tell you.”

  She lay back with her eyes closed. “My head is spinning.”

  “It’s the medication.” His let his fingers massage her temple. “You’ll feel better when it wears off.

  “Did you see her? Is she beautiful?” Skye opened her eyes, and her gaze caught his.

  His throat closed. Damn. “I didn’t get a chance. Rest. You’ll see your baby later.”

  She let out a soft sound as her eyes closed. “Still my baby.”

  The words were a kick in the gut. He wished he could say different. But how could he? He watched her sleep. She was the most beautiful thing that had ever happened in his life. How could he explain it to her? How could he when he couldn’t understand any of it himself?

  *****

  It was official. Skylar Delaney was now a mother. Once the drugs wore off, she couldn’t stop smiling. “I want to see my baby.”

  Nick was no help. He gave her the once-over and went to her chart.

  “You’re not my doctor. I want to see my baby.” She repeated the question as she lifted herself slowly off the bed. It had been hours since her delivery, and she was making excellent progress. What she didn’t need was Nick’s molly-coddling.

  She didn’t need his guilty glances to tell her he hadn’t seen their child. He wouldn’t admit it was their child, but she didn’t use a sperm donor and she sure as hell didn’t have an affair. At some point, he was going to admit that girl was his daughter, and damned if she wasn’t going to be there when he did.

  “There’s nothing I’m going to say that’s going to change your mind about this, is there?” he asked.

  With her arms folded across her chest, she raised her chin. “I will be seeing my baby today.”

  His sigh was broken. “Fine. I have been getting reports about Baby Delaney’s progress and if that’s not good enough for you, then fine. Let’s go down there and see how that girl of yours is doing. I could use a break from this room.”

  “I haven’t been holding a gun to your head asking you to stay.” Her words held just the right amount of bite she was aiming for.

  He pulled his shoulders straight and with her in a wheelchair, they made their way to the special care baby unit.

  Skylar took in the somber mood in the open room. The rows of incubators on each side varied between open and closed. She smiled at some of the parents who sat with their babies in their arms. She was way behind in the cuddling department.

  One of the nurses came over to her and showed her the hand-washing facilities. When she was done, the same nurse came over and pointed her to an open incubator that had a pink name tag at the foot of the glass. Baby Delaney.

  Her gaze caught Nick’s but he quickly turned away. The fleeting ache of disappointment was soon replaced by the excitement of meeting her baby.

  The nurse wheeled Skye up beside the cot and then she placed her in Skye’s arms.

  This was for real. The first time she was meeting her baby. “She's beautiful.” She looked up at the nurse.

  “Your husband wanted regular updates to give you, so you know that all the tests we’ve carried out have come back normal. You are lucky. Aside from the smallest little deformity, your daughter is well and healthy.” The nurse stroked the baby’s head.

  Skye looked down at her baby. Nick had told her about the little deformity they had found. One part of a digit missing on her toe. They couldn’t find anything else. She didn’t care. She had her baby.

  “Thank you, nurse. And thank you for taking care of her for me.”

  The nurse smiled before taking off.

  Perfect pink skin. Soft. Unlike anything she'd ever felt. She'd touched so many babies before. But this was so special. This special gift that was hers—that she’d created. Slowly she opened the blanket. She knew this child might not be perfect, but nothing mattered because this child was hers. Hers to accept and love as the gift she was.

  If there was a way to make Nick understand.

  He joined her and sat beside her. He didn’t even look at the baby but he watched her every move. Could he do that? Live with her but not be a part of the baby’s life? He was so sure he could do it. But could he? Was it possible? And could she allow it?

  It was the most ridiculous thought and if he thought he would get away with it, he was mad. But he really believed he could get away with it. He really believed it was possible. She shook her head and sighed.

  “She's the most perfect gift. Don't you think?” She lifted her gaze to his.

  “You will m
ake a great mother, but you look tired. Maybe you should rest. I could take you back. The nurse can put her back.”

  “I just got here. I haven’t even seen her. Not properly. Her skin is so soft.” She looked up. He’d already turned away.

  “I need to find a name for her too.” Skylar undid her one-piece and took out her feet.

  Who knew it was possible to have a person sit next to you and not be there?

  “Have you thought of names?” he asked.

  “I wanted to wait and see what she looked like. What do you think?” she pushed a little.

  It didn’t work. He was drifting away. “Not sure.”

  “Mmm, this is the little part of her digit that’s missing. See?” she pushed again.

  He jumped as if she sprayed him with hot water. “You don’t want to tire yourself too much.”

  “I’m doing really well. I should be okay to go home soon too.” Her sigh was more from awe than tiredness. “She’s a beauty, Nick.”

  “Yeah, like her mum.”

  He lied of course. He hadn’t seen her, but she was a beauty. She did have a few features that were like hers, but she had her dad’s stubborn chin.

  “Do you think she looks like a Maddison?” Skye lifted the baby and pushed her toward Nick.

  “Dammit, Skye, what is wrong with you?” He flexed his jaw.

  Okay, she shouldn’t have pushed him that far. “Okay, you don’t like Maddison.”

  “That’s not it and you know it.” The words were a hushed whisper between them.

  Non-plussed, Skye pulled the baby closer. “Maddy. I like it. I’m going to call you Maddison Delaney. Welcome to the world, my baby. I do love you.”

  She didn’t need to turn to know he was watching her. “I have a few things to do. I’ll see you later.”

  She kissed Maddy’s cheek. “Say bye to daddy. He needs some time to come around. But he will. I know he will.”

  A few hours later, Skylar rehearsed what she wanted to say to Nick. The words were there, but it felt wrong to say it. It came down to the same thing. Did he really think he could get away with spending time with her and not involving himself with the baby?