AMAZING
HEART
AMAZING
Heart
Broken Bottles Series: Book 4
Pamela Taeuffer
Copyright © 2016 by Pamela Taeuffer
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address Open Heart Press.
Published 2016
United States of America
This book is also available in print.
For more information e-mail: [email protected]
Amazing Heart is dedicated to all the women in my family who, in their hearts were mustangs trying to run free, but were captive within their generational chains of dysfunction. May women and men everywhere shake their hair, stomp down their fences, and be unafraid with an open heart. I truly believe in order to walk out of our shadows, we have to take baby steps and eventually risk the hurt and reward of what could be. May you walk into the light of risk and transition into the joy of a life you could never imagine was possible.
To Dad and Denise, I have felt you guys each day through this process.
Claude, Aaron, I love you.
All the mustangs that have come before me—because of your life's twists, turns, bruises and rewards, you have freed me.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
Readers: Three editors and dozens of edits have gone into this book. I apologize in advance if a few errors linger. Know that we've worked diligently to catch them. If you run across one, I hope it doesn't interrupt your experience.
WARNING:
Nicky here. This book is part of an ongoing series with steep cliffs.
Hang in there!
There is a very good reason for them—when coming home to face my family's battle with alcoholism, I never knew what waited behind the front door.
It seems as if dozens of voices are screaming inside me, shouting different solutions and outcomes. I have to face some tough consequences in this book and I need help. It took me years, but I've finally begun to let people into my life. My women friends and my sister have become a part of me—like a deep breath I need to live.
I've come to understand how much those relationships mean—including the one I'm trying to form with my mother and father. I'm learning to forgive them and accept there was nothing I could do that would have changed their lives. They are responsible for their choices—as am I.
My life is mine and it's time to take a risk.
Someone else is creeping into my life . . . someone to be wary of. Stay tuned!
Be patient, please. I formed years of bad habits, fears, and irrational behavior while trying to survive my dysfunctional family. It will take more than a few weeks or months to overcome them.
The Story So Far
I am a woman who has just come of age.
I was raised in a family battling alcoholism.
It has affected me in ways I'm only beginning to discover.
The fears are horrible. They resonate inside me. They vibrate every minute, reminding me I am living my life being afraid . . . of abandonment, of the hammer dropping, of the next bad thing happening, that I'll never be good enough, my emotions will never be normal, I won't ever be empathetic to sorrow and hurt, and can't open myself to intimacy and vulnerability.
I want love. I want to be loved. I want deep, sensual, vibrant, jagged, raw and gorgeous love—the kind I'll never forget, the kind I'll never stop searching for.
Sometimes my father rages—and when he's drunk, he gets angry and sarcastic. When he's drunk, it can be physically abusive. When he's drunk, he's always mentally abusive.
My mother is the classic co-dependent in every way. She even rations Dad's whiskey shots to make sure he doesn't drive to the store or bar. Now that I am coming into adulthood, I can see how she used alcohol to keep him numb and under her control. An ally in alcoholism doesn't really want the addicted person to recover—that will change everything.
My name is Nicky Young.
I'm trying hard to break out of the dysfunctional cages in which generations of my family—especially women—have been trapped. The result? Detachment. Running at the first sign of trouble. Cutting someone off without first listening to an explanation.
The chains around us are locked tight.
The beginnings of intimacy are knocking at my door. Ryan Tilton, a professional baseball player who has abandonment issues of his own from his father's early death, seems so right for me. When I'm with him I feel as if we've been joined on earth from some heavenly plane. I'm sure our hearts wait to beat lovingly together, as if connecting from a thousand years ago. His name whispers even in the misty hallways of my dreams. And yet, every fear I have inside of me is screaming, "his love is only pretend. He'll get tired of your fears and insecurities and leave you."
Challenges keep pulling us together and pushing us away.
We're both afraid.
He's afraid I'll never be able to open to sensual intimacy and fully love him—and he might be right. I'm afraid of the beautiful, experienced women in his past—and I might be right to fear them. One . . . Jesse Johnson—visits me in my nightmares.
I've just heard about Jesse during an evening when my sister and I double dated. According to Dana, a woman who used to socialize with Ryan and his ex, the two of them were like the king and queen of the city. She revealed that Jesse thought she'd found her prince.
At only eighteen, I can't understand what can I offer a soon to be twenty-six-year-old man. Am I a fool believing his promises? Even though I crave the stability of a mature man, shouldn't I choose people my own age and forget about relationships like this one? Is my only answer to focus on my education and career?
After spending an evening together, I've agreed to go to Ryan's baseball game and see him off on his long road trip. I can't stand to watch him—or anyone—leave. I'm afraid they'll never come back and the pain of being abandoned will fall down on me once again.
Unexpectedly, I find myself racing, running, desperate to tell Ryan the words and feelings I've withheld from the beginning—I love him.
I have to get to him before he boards the bus and leaves for ten days.
Leaving the stadium, I am almost to the player's lot where Ryan is boarding his bus. Jerry Stowe, a boy I grew up, texts me to announce he's waiting for me at the gift store. Recently he'd become more than a friend. Returning from a week of playing competitive league baseball, he was ready to discuss having sex and a serious relationship.
He is racing toward me. A big smile spreads across his face as he waves to me frantically.
He has no idea my feelings have changed toward him.
Or have they?
Ryan is also standing and waving at me from the player's lot. I'm standing in front of him—and in front of Jerry. There are only minutes to go before he and his baseball team, The San Francisco Goliaths, leave on their road trip for ten days.
I am split in half—one woman is ready to leap forward with a man ready to take me on a journey, and the other is ready to play with the childhood friend I've known all my life.
I stop as if I've run into a wall.
Suddenly, the right answer reveals itself.
I am ready to risk more and jump off my cliff, without the safety net I've held onto so tightly all my life.
I want to let go.
I let go.
Table of Contents
Prologue
The Road to Happiness
1. Crashing into Love
2. Three Ring Circus
3. Losing Control
4. The Fallout
5. Mom Gives Her Opinion
6. A Pause
7. Checking in with Sis
8. A Recap
9. Facing Off
10. Golfing with Sis
11. Internet Girlfriends
12. Days with Tara
13. Tending Gardens
14. I'm in Limbo, Going to Hell
15. A Witch
16. Reconnecting
17. Revelations
18. Earthquake
19. An Agreement
20. The Final Stages of Release
21. Walls
22. Harem of Sighs
23. Disarmed
24. Glistening
25. A Gentle Rub
26. Pushing Jesse Out of My Head
27. Pushing Jerry Out of Ryan's Head
28. Tucking Each Other In
29. Flooding
30. Monitoring My Blood Pressure
31. Sex Stuff
32. An Interesting Closet
33. Brunch
34. Christopher Tilton Senior
35. Message Received
36. Damn, Another Call
37. Tilton Beach
38. A Boy of Fourteen
39. Intimacy
40. S'mores Were Never So Sexy
End of Part I
Broken Bottles Series, Part II
Resources
Acknowledgements
Special Offer for Readers of Amazing Heart:
About the Author
Also Available by Pamela Taeuffer
Prologue
"Nicky?" My Auntie Barbara is standing at my side.
"Hey Auntie," I answer her. "What do you need?"
Friends and family are helping my husband and me celebrate thirty-five years of marriage. I've stepped back to have a moment alone. I have always loved watching my loved ones when they have no idea I'm looking at them. Some of the sweetest scenes are when the raw emotions of life are all over their faces. I guess it was one of the twisted gifts my father gave me. Learning to survive in a family battling alcoholism, we had to stay in the shadows until we knew it was safe to come out. Now, it's a sweet respite, observing the special moments that too often fly by unnoticed.
"When do you want to get dinner going?" she leans into the hallway.
"Is everyone getting hungry?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
"I'd say so. I just saw Darrell take the last radish off the vegetable tray," she laughed. "You know it's time when a man is cleaning off the greens. All the appetizers are just about gone."
"Can you ask my hubby to start the barbecue? I have the steaks and chicken marinating in the refrigerator with two big containers of vegetables and baked potatoes." I pointed to the kitchen. "They need to roast along with the meat and we need about twenty minutes to warm, right?"
"I'll tell that handsome devil," she kidded. "Why does having a man at the grill seem so right? Speaking of delicious men, remember when we were in the kitchen after you sang the national anthem? I asked if you'd ever slept with one of the ballplayers and that night you—"
"Yeah," I smiled at the memory. "I was just thinking about that guy."
As she walked away, I remembered the scene at the player's lot, when both Ryan Tilton and Jerry Stowe were focused on me, just outside of the ballpark.
THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS
I look to my mother
For the example of
What a loving woman should be
Her eyes are vacant
She has shut down
She's been left to find her own way
Her mother left her
Her father sought out another woman
My father chose alcohol instead of her
My father, a man who lost himself
A man who can't find
The way back to happiness
Where is that road
That golden highway promised in my youth
Why is that path so hard to find
Just when I think I've discovered it
The twists and turns begin again
It becomes unpaved
Gravel spews underneath my wheels
Rugged, deep ruts around me
Dangerous curves ahead
There are storms that threaten
I fear I'll be taken under the water, car and all
Floating down river
Bobbing and dipping under the raging current
My hand is barely above the water
I yell and scream for someone to help
Or notice
Or help
Or notice
Or
Chapter 1
Crashing into Love
A snap decision—that's how it came to me.
Clear.
Simple.
I knew what I had to do.
Tell him you love him. Don't wait. You can't expect him to hold on much longer. Isn't he about to leave you? Shout out your feelings now! He needs support and your reassurance that you love and want him.
I moved through the crowd, desperate to get to the one I wanted—the one I'd always wanted . . . from the very beginning.
* * * * *
Two nights ago, Ryan and I double dated with my sister and her boyfriend to the Waterfront Café Restaurant and nightclub. After he drove me home, we tucked into bed a very drunk Jenise, and on the living room couch, her inebriated boyfriend, Sean. Ryan had planned to be alone with me that evening and asked me to go home with him. I declined, too worried to leave my intoxicated sister without supervision. We'd come close to losing my dad a few years earlier when he'd nearly asphyxiated on his own vomit. When I explained, Ryan agreed to stay with me.
The next day, Ryan treated me to an evening at Pismo Beach. We rode on the sand in dune buggies and capped off the evening with a fresh abalone dinner cooked for us by a roaring fire. We finished our night watching the sunset.
Still afraid to be alone with Ryan because of our disaster in Yountville earlier that week, I reluctantly agreed to spend the night with him—and what a night! It was filled with sensual touch and the delicate web of intimacy.
When morning arrived, I promised I'd go to his last baseball game before he left on another road trip—this one ten days—and in the midst of our new romance, seemed like an eternity. As soon as the game ended, Ryan came to the railing for one final goodbye.
Cathy, an usherette, introduced herself and told me she'd heard some of the sweet words he had whispered to me. The acknowledgment from another adult—not a friend, parent, or sibling, but an objective and grown woman—gave me a kind of unspoken permission that it was okay to have feelings for Ryan. Ridiculous or not, this simple gesture filled me with new confidence in moving forward. In fact, joy filled me everywhere.
Wanting to be with Ryan wasn't a sin.
It was healthy.
A good decision.
Partially from Cathy's encouragement, some final checkmark had been made.
I needed to look Ryan in his eyes and tell him I loved him. That would be the completion of my decision and a step forward I needed to make—now.
But the time we had was dwindling—rapidly.
There was only a few minutes left before the team bus left for the airport. Fumbling for my gate pass, I hurried toward the security guard. I was ready to spill my feelings. Happiness burst from my chest as Ryan waved, standing next to the team bus getting ready to board.
He was my love.
The moment revealed itself.
A full sprint to the gate.
I stopped suddenly.
My breathing became erratic.
My heart pounded with the beat of an unwelcome surprise.
Jerry, my childhood friend, was running toward me, certain that I was waiting for h
im. He waved and a smile was plastered across his face. There was no doubt he was happy. I knew he'd be eager to discuss everything we’d shared before he'd left to play summer baseball—especially a relationship that included sex.
It was as if my body had ripped right down the middle and I became two women.
One was about to meet a lifelong friend whose goals matched mine. We stood ready to share new experiences with life, intimacy and our upcoming college adventure. Jerry and I were two young adults ready to take on the world. That relationship meant safety. I'd have control and that meant security. I longed for it. We'd shared a past and had a solid foundation. When life at home got rough, we covered each other's back. I knew I could say anything to him. He wouldn't judge or abandon me.
The second woman had fallen in love with a successful, professional baseball player, a soon to be twenty-six-year-old man, who had gone to college and already accomplished many of his goals. He had an established social circle, a flourishing career, and was sexually experienced. Ryan Tilton seemed ready for a lifetime commitment and had positioned himself to have a partner, family, and all the things that would make his life complete.
* * * * *
Now, as I stood outside of the players' lot, I could almost feel Ryan's arms around me and taste the words I longed to tell him. I knew our goodbye would be filled with big, bold, embraces and a flurry of kisses. I'd send him on his road trip after I proclaimed my love aloud, showing him my heart was no longer afraid.
My fingers touched my pass card.
A rush of relief washed over me.
I was settled.
I'd decided.
I was ready.
I reached out, ready to hand my pass to gate security. Just as I'd made my way through the waiting crowd, I heard my name.
Jerry.
There was no escaping him.
Seemingly frozen to the spot where I stood, my heart took a free fall into my stomach. Confusion seeped through my body.
AMAZING HEART (Broken Bottles Series Book 4) Page 1