AMAZING HEART (Broken Bottles Series Book 4)

by Pamela Taeuffer

  "You're wrong, Mom. We've already pushed each other that way. Our rational minds prevailed every time."

  "What's rational about sex?" Her eyes narrowed.

  "Uh . . ." Her frankness stunned me and I didn't have a comeback. She was right.

  "Exactly." She seemed filled with victory. "I'm just asking you to wait two days and get birth control. If you don't have sex, fine. Being prepared is the smart thing to do."

  "I'm the one who has the say so," I muttered.

  Admittedly, it was a talk for the ages. She was level headed and overall calm and rational. As I left her and walked upstairs, I felt dejected. Even though I'd discussed every aspect of the conversation, ultimately, I'd given in to once again keep the peace in my house.

  That peace was fragile, however.

  It was a matter of time before it shattered.

  Chapter 7

  Checking in with Sis

  Although I wouldn't admit it to Mom and Dad, as a general rule, I listened to them. This time? I'd made up my mind—I was going to join Ryan on his road trip. Since his games in Denver were seven days away, the extra time would give me a chance to think about which form of birth control would work best for my busy lifestyle.

  It bothered me to prepare for one of the most important moments of my life as if it were a purely clinical event. Getting pregnant—I understood Mom's concern about that. That was the last thing I wanted at this point in my life.

  Was this trip really D-Day for my body?

  I couldn't be with a man unless we were physically intimate?

  So what if I decided to have sex?

  Mom and Dad's virginal daughter—God, I was sick of that roll.

  After Jenise was raped, it took Mom weeks to look my sister in the eye. She transferred to me all the dreams she had of seeing her daughter wear a white dress at her wedding. I knew behind her calm words encouraging me to get birth control, was her hope of my sexual innocence. In the back of her mind the white dress was still hanging for me.

  Oddly enough, when Jenise began having sex after her trauma, Dad seemed to understand. For a brief period, they were close. As much as their relationship had suffered extreme turmoil, when it came to choosing physical intimacy, he never chastised her for her decision.

  Still, neither of our parents had the mother/father-daughter talk they should have had with her. She was left on her own to recover and choices about her sexual life were her own.

  Neither of our parents realized Jenise had transitioned into a magnificent, smart, and career-driven woman. It was unfortunate they couldn't celebrate their daughters' freedom from social stigma rather than disconnect—the same way they did to each other.

  She's afraid. Honor the part of your mother that dared to speak up and challenge you. It wasn't easy, and maybe she's trying to reconnect with you.

  I knelt at my bedside and said a prayer of thanks, asking for patience and understanding for both my mother and for me.

  "Hey, you decent?" I knocked on my sister's door after I finished my prayer.

  "Come in!"

  "Hey."

  "What are you up to?" She closed her book and focused on me.

  Jenise and her boyfriend, Sean, had double dated with Ryan and me at The Waterfront nightclub and restaurant two nights before. They both drank heavily. Even though I'd never been hung over I knew my sister had paid the price. I wondered if she had gotten out of the house at all since I'd tucked her in her bed.

  "How you feeling?"

  "Fine now," she grabbed her hair and twisted it in a ponytail. "I had my milkshake yesterday."

  "Milkshake?"

  "A vanilla milkshake does the trick when you're hung over," she winked.

  "Oh." I have to ask. I hate to but . . . just say it, Nick. "Do you drink a lot or . . ."

  "Used to," she blew a bubble and then popped it. "I used to party a lot, especially in high school. Who doesn't, right?" She shook her head. "I forgot who I'm talking to."

  "Hey, that's not nice." I slapped her thigh. "I cut school once in a while."

  "Drinking was like medication when I was going through therapy. Getting numb, escaping, feeling better for a little while . . . alcohol was a part of that. I wouldn't say I ever had an addiction, but then again, we all deny our bad habits until they're no longer invisible."

  "Yeah, so your answer is . . ." I waited breathlessly, hoping I wouldn't hear that my beautiful sister had an alcohol problem.

  "No." She looked into my eyes. Her stare was solid. "However, I know all the tricks from having done stuff."

  "Did you ever take drugs?" I wanted to know everything.

  "You understand alcohol is a drug?"

  "I didn't mean—"

  "Just making sure. I've done LSD, pot, of course, and shrooms."

  "Wow!" my jaw dropped open. "I never knew!"

  "It's not all that," she informed. "I only did it a half dozen times. Are you thinking of experimenting?"

  "Sure I am." My voice dripped with sarcasm. “That's exactly why I came in here, to ask—"

  "If you do, stay away from the mushrooms. They're dangerous and at least for me, the high was weird."

  "How weird?"

  "Like you're in a cartoon," she informed. "Should I go on, or are you satisfied your sister doesn't have a problem?"

  "I'm satisfied." I sighed and my anxiety finally deflated. "I'm sorry I asked. I worry."

  "I know you do." She put her hand on mine. "You don't have to, okay? So you finally decided to come home after spending the weekend with Ryan?"

  "Listen here, sissy." A grim note of warning laced my voice. "Ryan and I stayed here Saturday night to make sure you and Sean were okay. We could've gone to his apartment and left you guys all alone."

  "Oh, now I feel bad. I'm sorry." She put her book on the nightstand next to her bed.

  "That's okay, I was happy to do it. Well, not happy exactly. If you need me, I'm there no matter what. Anyway, now that I have all the information I need," I winked. "I couldn't wait to tell you . . . I told Ryan I love him!" I practically shouted the news.

  "Oh, my God, you did? Where? When?"

  "In the player's parking lot after the game!" I threw my arms in the air. The joy inside of me was just too big to hold onto.

  "In front of everyone?" She looked as if she didn’t believe me. "Even Kevin?"

  I nodded.

  "Matt and Darrell saw you, too?"

  "They must have. They were on the bus, so . . ." It's overwhelming now that I'm talking about it. All of his teammates watching . . . "They were only minutes from pulling out of the parking lot. I thought I'd missed my chance, but then Ryan stepped off the bus for me. We kissed, the driver honked, I cried; his eyes were teary—it was like a dream."

  "Fuckin' great!" Jenise clapped her hands and bounced on her bed. "Have you told Jerry?"

  "Oh damn," I slapped my cheek. "You won't believe it. He just got back in town and came to the stadium! I tried so hard to get away from him. I almost missed Ryan because Jerry had me cornered. I was about to make my move and I hear Jerry calling my name. Mom told him where I'd be, the dirty rat! She did that on purpose!"

  "Of course she did," she shook her head and then leaned forward, ready to hear every detail. "You scare Mom."

  "Sure, I do."

  "Yeah. You do. Dad's scared of you, too. They've never had control of you. You're slipping away to Stanford soon and Ryan entered into the equation and has been pushing them in ways they didn't expect."

  "I never thought about it that way," I pondered.

  "Anyway, go on," Jenise encouraged.

  "I had to lie so Jerry would leave me and I could get to Ryan. Oh, God, Sis. He's coming over and I don't even want to see him. What am I going to say? I've been rehearsing but can't seem to get the words right."

  "What have you come up with?" Jenise leaned on her elbows, resting her chin in her hands.

  "How about, Jerry, I'm sorry, I didn't plan this, but I've fallen in love?"


  "Hmm . . . I don't know about that," she frowned. "That will blindside him. You want calm. Saying it like that might bring out his anger. I'd try something like, Jerry, you know I've always loved you and your friendship means the world to me. Life is unpredictable, and . . . You can take it from there."

  "So do you think we could still be friends?" I picked up her Economics book and absentmindedly thumbed through it.

  "Why?" She changed positions, sitting with her legs crossed underneath her.

  "I know this sounds like I'm using him, and, well, maybe when it comes down to it I am, even though I don't mean to—"

  "For fuck’s sake, Nick. Just tell me why!"

  "I'm afraid to tell him."

  "Why?" she repeated.

  "He's expecting me to be his girlfriend," I admitted. "Not just a friend. That was the direction we were moving before he left. Now it's all different."

  "And Ryan says?" She waited for my response.

  "Ryan doesn't think a man and a woman can be friends when they've had sex."

  She raised an eyebrow.

  "Well, in my case, two friends who wanted more at one time and are still attracted to each other. Well," I cleared my throat. "One of them is attracted to the other. You know, I mean, he wants more from me, not me from him or . . . something like that."

  "Okay, so I get all that, but other than the friends issue, is there more to it? I don't get why it's a problem telling Jerry. If you love Ryan and want to be with him, just be honest. It should feel great to say, I've fallen in love and I hope you're happy for me. What's wrong?"

  "I don't want to give him up because I'm afraid Ryan and I won't last."

  Nothing good ever stays around very long for our family and losing both would be terrible.

  "Ah, now we're getting to the bottom of it." She adjusted her body on the bed.

  "The other things is, I never told you this, but . . . I shouldn't tell you. Oh fuck it."

  "Yes!" Jenise threw her hands up. "Good for you, you let a fuck out of your tightly wound body!"

  "Yeah, well . . . sometimes there's no better word," I laughed half-heartedly. "So the thing is, Jerry's dad used to hit him. He and I were compadres even when we were only seven. So many times when Dad raged, his dad went off, too. We shared those dark family secrets . . . you know, what you and I went through, he went through fists and verbal abuse, too. Whenever it was bad here he'd listen to me and vice versa. I feel as if I'm abandoning him."

  "Ouch. That's a tough one." She stroked her chin. "I can totally see why you're confused."

  "And how do I, um . . . I just don't . . . well, look at this." I showed Jenise the friendship ring Jerry had given me.

  "Oh, shit." Jenise's opinion of what I'd done was obvious. "Why'd you take the ring?"

  "I don't know. Ryan was leaving and I knew if I took the time to explain myself I'd miss my chance with him. I didn't want to wait any longer to say I love him."

  "So . . . yeah. I definitely side with Ryan on this one. Just the ring tells me you need to put a stop to this. Don't wait. Do it tonight. Promise me you won't beat around the bush and soft shoe it. Jerry wants you for more than a friend."

  "I know." Remorse flooded me.

  "You look sad," she stroked my arm. "You should be happy. You're in love!"

  "I am happy, but it was only a few weeks ago Jerry and I had talked about seeing each other through summer and considered a physical relationship. I even made him search all these online sites and ask his pastor about sex . . . am I a terrible person?"

  "No!" Jenise exclaimed. "Get rid of that Catholic guilt from childhood. You can't help being attracted to someone. It's all those chemicals, endorphins, pheromones . . . it's animal."

  "I feel like I've betrayed him," I admitted. "Actually, I feel like I've been dishonest to Jerry and Ryan."

  "Attraction is . . . what it is. Your body can't help it. Neither can Ryan’s. You're a daughter of Aphrodite, Nick."

  "What?" Her reference amused me. "Who's Aphrodite?"

  "The Goddess. Greek Mythology. Her children are Shiva and Shakti. The goddess Aphrodite is talking to you, awakening your body. You can't help that you're attracted to someone. You have a big strapping man who is willing to be vulnerable with you. That's damn amazing. Jerry will get over it."

  I blushed and felt strangely drawn to the names she'd just said out loud. Feelings stirred in my belly. Shiva. He is Shiva—a marvelous, ancient, dominant and stirring power.

  "So you could say to Jerry . . ."

  My head rocked, suddenly drawn back into the moment.

  "Where were you?" Her lip curled in amusement.

  "Thinking about what it is to be Shakti." I smiled. "Tell me her story."

  "Aphrodite stands on a seashell, a symbol of our vulva. The scene is magnificent as she rises from the ocean, beautiful, graceful, her face glowing with enchanting beauty. In her presence, everything is more radiant. Shiva and Shakti are the divine sensual beings of The One. It's like God dividing. Isn't it passionate?"

  "Oh, wow! I feel like I've just had an orgasm!" I giggled. "I might want to study that in college. Maybe I'll be a Shakti major!"

  "You might also say to Jerry . . ." Jenise grinned and then continued. "I really appreciate your friendship and hope we'll stay friends but someone unexpectedly came into my life. I didn't search him out; it just happened. You wouldn't be lying or abandoning him, and you put the choice right in his lap."

  "Can you help me?" I begged.

  "Help you what," she teased.

  "Rehearse what to say to Jerry."

  We practiced the conversation a few times. Jenise ended by making the suggestion to ask Jerry to be happy for me and wish him the same success in finding love. It seemed short and too cold.

  "And that's it?" I asked. "I don't know . . ."

  "You think Jerry will be pissed?"

  "Yeah, because he questioned me about Ryan's intentions when we were in the player's lot a few weeks ago."

  "Why?"

  "Well . . . remember that day when I wore those short shorts and your tight T-shirt to the ballpark? You were in the kitchen with mom and made fun of me for chasing two boys and how it wasn't fair? You called me a—"

  "Cockteaser!" she screamed out in laughter. "Yeah, I remember!"

  "Well, my sneaky boyfriend had the security guard give us passes after the game so Jerry could get some autographs, while Ryan took the opportunity to give me his jacket. It was the day we had that talk on the beach and then went to Sammy's. He told me he loved me there."

  "Oh, Nick. God, what a man you have."

  "I know, he's so . . . he just takes care of my heart in every way. So back to Jerry, he was already suspicious because of that day. I told him not to worry. At that time there was nothing going on."

  "Oh no?"

  "Well, yeah, there was, but I didn't fully realize it," I grinned. "I admit I felt an attraction to Ryan before Jerry. If the situation were reversed, I don't know if I'd be so understanding."

  "I think you would. You're very grounded like that. If Jerry's really a friend, he'll listen to you." She played with the heart pendant hanging from her necklace. "Friends support friends, no matter what."

  "Hopefully our history together will be strong enough to keep the bond of our friendship. It's risky putting one friend aside and risking it all for someone I've only known for a year."

  "You're right it is risky. Still, I think you're making the right decision. Ryan is just so sweet on you and the two of you are like diamonds together."

  "Thank you. It's great you said that because I do feel like I shine around him."

  "Speaking of your honey, Sean and I were talking with him for quite a while at The Waterfront before we got toasted. By the way, I'm so sorry you had to help me into the car and up to bed. I let loose and it felt damn good to do it, but of all things, you taking take care of me." She put her head down. "Especially now, when you were worried I might have a problem, I'm sorry I got so drunk on our
double date. What does Ryan think of me?"

  "He—"

  "Even more important, what do you think of me?" Jenise's face knotted.

  "Well, Ryan seems to love you. Whenever I talk about you he gets a warm look in his eyes. You may not remember, but he's the one who carried you up to bed."

  "What?" She appeared to be more than a little uncomfortable. "Oh, how embarrassing."

  "I don't think he saw it that way. I wouldn't worry. Just so you know, I undressed you and tucked you in while he went down to take care of your sweetie. You know what?"

  She shrugged her shoulders.

  "Ryan stayed because I worried that you and Sean might get sick and choke because of that time with Dad. He asked me to go to his apartment, but I told him we should watch you guys. He didn't even hesitate. He stayed downstairs while I came up here to keep an eye on you."

  "Oh, what a luvy you have there," Jenise said. "You guys are so sweet together."

  "I do have a luvy." I wrapped my arms around myself, wishing they were Ryan's.

  "So you're not angry with me? We're good?"

  "We're good. I was just worried that . . . well, you answered my concern earlier."

  We hugged each other. It was as if our embrace has released a little more of the hurt we'd pushed down from childhood. Another little risk of opening up to each other was a small step out of our shadows.

  "Ryan admitted to Sean he's wanted you since last year." We let go of each other. "Did you know that?"

  "Yeah."

  "And you didn't tell me? What nerve!" She pushed me down on the bed.

  "Because we weren't close then," I said, reflecting quickly on how we'd drifted apart. "For the longest time I thought I was only a joke to him. He said he was making a move and then nothing." I closed her book where she had marked it and set it down. "What do you think about our age difference?"

  "No big deal. In fact, I—" Her cell phone beeped and I saw Sean's picture on the screen. "Hang on." Her fingers busily texted something back to him and then she tossed the phone on her bed. "No problem with your age difference. Especially for you."