"Why for me?"
"Sorry and no offense to Jerry, but you're too mature for guys your age. You'd scare them into the next county," she mocked.
"But eight years . . . I don't mean the gap in time, it's . . . both of our experiences." I flipped off my shoes. "He's gone to college and has his career. I haven't done anything yet."
"You've done plenty. Your whole life you've been working toward Stanford. You may not have the degree, but in many ways, you're already there. I don't mean this as an insult, so don't get pissed," Jenise warned. "I wish you would open up and party once in a while."
"I have no interest in getting sloppy drunk, or—"
"That's not what I meant. I mean going out more with friends, to dances, college rallies, bonfires, big games and stuff like that. In my opinion? You won't go to any of them because that's not you. Oh sure you may attend a few events, but we both know that's not how you roll. You went to one dance in high school—prom. I think you'd miss being with Ryan more than embracing the typical college experience. Your personality is more about loyalty, friendship, and the importance of finding someone you can be close to. You need stability, not variety. I just don't see you having sex with a lot of guys. I see you with Ryan."
"Yeah," I paused to think about the things she'd just said. "I guess you're right."
"Hang on, I have to pee." She rushed off the bed and into the bathroom.
Chapter 8
A Recap
"Phew! What a relief." Jenise burst through the bathroom door fanning her face. "Back to your baby . . . ooh . . . I better close the door."
"And leave the fan on!" I cracked up. "You left a stinker!"
"One to be proud of." She opened her arms as if embracing the remnants of her bathroom break. "I think Ryan is the perfect man for you," she remarked after settling on her bed again. "Think about how great the sex will be having all those women to practice with you lucky girl!"
"I don't feel lucky." My body felt as if it had deflated. "It bothers me."
My sister was comfortable and accepting of someone's past. I wanted to be like her. It was his past—over and done. My problem? I didn't trust it was over—not nearly over.
"Sorry. I know you have a tough time with it." She paused for a few beats. "On another note, I talked with Ryan about getting my degree in architecture."
I was still thinking about her comments and the women he'd known. The frown I felt inside was visible on the outside.
"Hey!" she punched my arm playfully.
"What?"
"Come back here and stop dwelling on things you can't change," she reprimanded.
"You're right. Go on."
"You know that internship I was telling you about a few days ago? Ryan said he might have some sway. He knows the CEO of City Architecture. Figures you'd end up with someone like that. Damn, he's nice."
"What do you mean, figures?"
"You're a big softie." Her eyes sparkled. "And he's a big softie. Regardless of how you both posture and try to put your chins up, it's obvious how much you care."
"He embraces people, though. Sometimes he's aloof and protective with people he thinks are up to something, but generally he's pretty open. He seems so brave. I don't know if I'll ever get there." I gathered my thoughts. "When did you see him push people away? You were drunk."
"Not the whole night," she reminded. "He definitely took his turn shutting down with Dana, a few waitresses, women passing by . . . he's got his walls. I think they came down for you. You've softened him, you know."
"Thank you." My face heated. "I used to get so pissed about that word, soft. But now, I've completely changed my mind."
"I know what you mean. I used to tell people to shove it when they tried to make me feel like the little woman, but the things I noticed the other night," she seemed to pull from a picture still fresh in her mind. "His eyes, his body language and his song! Holy God! I couldn't believe it when he took you up on stage. The whole club was stunned. The way he backed you up, held your waist, and then pounded the floor? Hot, hot, incredibly hot. How could you stand it? If it was me I would have collapsed!"
"Oh damn, Jenise, I almost did. My knees were shaking. He does that stuff all the time. He floors me."
"Sean and I could see it."
"See what?" I tapped my feet on the floor. "What do you mean? What could you see?"
"We saw how special you are to him. Tons of women in the club tried to get his attention and his eyes were only on you. You're his precious girl."
"He's overwhelming," I inhaled sharply. "Did you see that waitress kneeling down to take his order?" I stuck out my boobs, imitating her body language.
"Yeah!" she cracked up. "She was hot for your boy but he didn't even flinch. He knows some cool people. In fact, the whole table was cool."
"Yeah, cool cheaters." My dark, brooding twin tried to butt in.
"I think most of the guys and gals were just having fun."
"I guess," I protested. "A few of them sitting by me talked about my tight . . . you know, my thing? What the hell was I supposed to do with that?"
She cracked up.
"That's not funny, Jenise."
"I'm sorry." Her hand was on her mouth as she tried to stop laughing. "You're right; it's not. It's male intimidation bullshit and completely wrong. Why didn't you challenge them?"
"I could have. In fact, I was about to just as Kevin came back to the table. I thought I'd I cause a problem that might ripple with consequences and I'd be banned from future outings 'cause I stirred up some shit."
"Yeah. That's smart, or . . . I guess . . . for the first time around his peers, you did the right thing. I don't know, I'm kind of . . . if it happens again, don't let them get away with it."
"I won't."
"Once you got up on stage all that stopped, didn't it? I saw you talking with Kevin. How was he?"
"He's nice. Oh! And Ryan's former girlfriend, well friend—or so he says—her name came up. Dana, the woman sitting across from me, was just getting into the juicy gossip when Kevin told her to shut the eff up."
"What was Ryan's reaction?" Her eyes opened wider and she put her hands on her thighs as if she braced herself.
"He was uncomfortable." I flashed back to the moment. "In fact, he got up and went to sit with you guys."
"Did you ask him about it?" she pressed.
"He said he didn't want to discuss someone from his past in front of me and it was no one's business."
"Ooh," she rubbed her hands together. "There is a hint of something juicy brewing there."
"When I was at his apartment, I brought her up again. I couldn't let it go because he keeps asking me to stop seeing Jerry, which, okay, I get that now, but I threw it back at him."
"What do you mean, threw it back at him?"
"I asked him if he's ever known a woman or gotten close to one without having sex. And get this . . . he has women's clothes in his closet from former lovers. He actually suggested I grab something from the assortment!"
"Oh Sis, big deal."
"Big deal? Don't you think it's disrespectful?" I couldn't believe she wasn't bothered by it. "How would you feel if Sean had a collection? I felt like he was keeping trophies and I was like a castoff or second hand. Actually, more than all that, I felt like he'd dismissed all those women as a piece of ass."
"Well, I mean . . . they were, right?"
"Maybe, but why not throw them away, or—"
"If it was Sean," she gave me a stern look. "I'd be happy he had a healthy sex life before me, and happy he was ready to be with me. You're too hung up about the women he's been with sexually. In my opinion those clothes mean Ryan doesn't give a fuck about them. If he did, wouldn't they be hanging in his closet rather than carelessly tossed into a box?"
"I guess so." Her analysis about the clothes does make me feel better. "The thing is—women are everywhere; in front of him, behind him, to the side of him . . . when I was at the ballpark today, a few of them asked me to ho
ok them up when he came to the railing to talk with me! How can he really stay away from them? One woman was spilling out of her top. You know all those underwear and swimsuit models on TV? He can call them, Jenise! It's easy and he has the connections to do it."
"Ever look in the mirror?"
"Of course," I snorted.
"Really?"
"Yes. You're saying . . ." I was obviously irritated.
"I'm saying, look at yourself."
"What's wrong with me?"
"Take off your invisible shades and open your eyes," she said. "You're a real person, you're smart, and you're on your way to being a goddamn star at Stanford. Of course, there's your tits and ass—dahyam."
"Not nice," I pouted.
"You understand the smarts you've been blessed with but you don't appreciate the dynamite you have loaded in your body. Your sweetie does, though." She started laughing. "In fact, I'll bet he holds that one-eyed lover in his hand at night and jerks off to a fantasy about your curvalicious bod."
"Oh, shit!" I wasn't sure I'd ever be comfortable enough to talk like she did. Nothing seemed to faze her when it came to sex. "Now I've got a picture in my mind . . . thanks a lot. One-eyed lover. God, sis."
She's the female Ryan!
"Seriously, loosen up. Enjoy him and what you have together right now. You can't live life because of what might happen. You have to trust him. For God’s sake, I was raped at fourteen. If that doesn't tell you something about what little control we really have, I don't know what will."
"I know," I put my hand on hers. "I was thinking about that downstairs."
"I was given a hard and unexpected lesson of how bad things happen to good people," she said firmly. "It took me years to get over the guilt. As if I should be guilty about anything from that day, right? I finally realized it wasn't my fault. I thought I could control my life and what happened to me. Reconciling with the guilt that I had encouraged it somehow . . . the questions the police asked me . . ." Her face knotted.
"I'm so sorry you went through that." I ran my hand down her arm. "I don't know how you come back so strong."
"Therapy. My psychologist helped me to understand that controlling what other people do is unrealistic. And now I have Sean!" Her eyes shined. "He loves all of me, including my past. In fact, he told me it's because of my past he was attracted to me."
"I'm proud of you." I put my arms around her and simply loved her. "I knew from when we were little girls you'd be a trailblazer."
"Thanks," she smiled.
"I like Sean. He's a gentleman. It's obvious he loves you."
"He is sweet," she agreed. For one of the first times ever, I saw my sister blush.
"Let's spend tomorrow together," I suggested. "That is if you're not doing anything with your sweetheart. We'll do whatever you want."
"Beware . . . I'll put my little sister through the ringer."
"Looking forward to it. Why I came in here in the first place—Ryan left tickets for us to join him on his road trip. Mom doesn't want me to go unless you come with me. Would you?"
"So what if Mom doesn't agree," she challenged. "Just go."
"I should, but I want them to like Ryan and not resent him."
"Valid point. When?"
"His road trip lasts for ten days. Any time during then next week-and-a-half. I was thinking Denver, which is about a week from now."
"Would you guys kick me out at night?" she winked.
"God, no, Jenise, come on, be serious."
"I am serious," she teased. "Let me check if I can skip any of my summer classes. I'll get back to you tomorrow."
"Okay, thanks." I kissed her and went back to my room to get ready for Jerry. I put on black jeans and a loose pink sweater with some black loafers. Just as I finished brushing my hair, my cell phone rang.
Ryan.
"Hi, Shiva." I was sure he had no clue of the meaning.
"Oh, my feminine, powerful, Shakti," he replied. "You made me . . . you move every part of me when we speak."
You know mythology? A jock knows about this stuff?
"How did you . . ." I was stunned.
"I told you I have two degrees. That meant studying. You know the story about Aphrodite don't you? Rising from the wet ocean on a seashell . . . symbol of your—"
"I know," I interrupted before he got me hot and bothered. My sister told me."
"God, I miss you. I wish we were lying next to each other and could relax all night kissing, hugging, kissing . . . mmm."
"Me, too. Don't say that stuff."
"We're about to take off," he chuckled. "I only have a few seconds. Did you check with your folks?"
"Yeah, I'm waiting on Jenise. She'll let me know if she can go with me tomorrow at the latest."
"Do you think you'll be able to meet me?"
"I want to come to you right now but I promised my mother I'd wait for my sister's decision." My body tensed even as I said it. "Mom's afraid, I guess. She keeps telling me to get birth control because you're thinking about sex 24/7." I laughed at my blatant honesty. After the prolonged silence, I got nervous and rolled on. "Maybe sex is on your mind all the time, but I still want to be with you. I'd love to see the farm out of Denver. I dream about that picture you took. You know the one of the little boy and his bunnies? I enjoyed looking at all your pictures last night."
"Honey, we're going to Denver now." He laughed at my rambling. "If you want to meet me here you need to leave."
"Oh no." I felt like I was sinking through my bedroom floor. "How did I miss that?" Every breath seemed shallow as it fell from my body. "I thought Denver was at the end of the trip."
"We finish in Miami."
"I don't know about Miami. It's so far. I probably can't come after all." Even as I spoke, panic was rising. "I'll have to see if Jenise can get away with me for sure. She's checking on her summer school schedule. I could go and there would be nothing my parents could do about it, but . . . I feel sorry for Mom. I don't want to create problems. They piss me off when either of them butts in . . . but I don't want them to worry. They don't need me to add to their stress. Do you think I'm ridiculous?"
"No."
"I'm sorry." I could hear his disappointment.
"I understand. What your mother said makes sense. We need to respect her concerns."
"Ryan?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you for talking to Jenise about the internship possibility and thanks for calling like you said you would. I love that you know who Shiva is. I just discovered him today. I should have guessed you'd know . . . you're so tuned in. How could you be so . . . I just love you, and that's the story I have for you tonight."
I love you—it was so freeing to say those three powerful and intimate words to another person. Now that I'd said them, I wanted to keep saying them out loud and often. It was as if a lock on my heart had opened and my emotions poured everywhere.
"Peaceful dreams tonight, sweet Nicky."
"You too, my Ryan. Goodbye for now."
The doorbell rang.
Jerry waited.
I took several deep breaths.
I'd entered another world since initially making plans with him during the week. Still, I had to face whatever our relationship would be and talk with him about Ryan.
It would be one of the hardest things I'd ever done.
Chapter 9
Facing Off
"Hey you." I tried to be friendly.
Jerry leaned in to kiss me.
My gut reaction was to back away. I did the only thing I knew which might make him feel like my behavior was normal—I moved to the side, dodged his kiss, and hugged him. It was automatic and unplanned. I'd changed. Now I only wanted Ryan's lips on mine.
As I prepared for what I thought was our inevitable separation, I began to tremble. I could take anything that came my way, except the cold abandonment of a friend.
"Everything okay?" A crooked smile said hello. His eyes moved up and down my body.
; "Yeah, it, um, it's been a strange day and I'm not feeling great. I probably should have waited to do something with you tomorrow," I lied. "I even skipped cheering the other day because I wasn't up to par."
I just told my good friend a lie. Is my relationship with Ryan healthy? Tell the truth. This has nothing to do with Ryan. It's you.
"Let's see what your pal Jerry can do about that. Do you want to stay in your room and veg out? I can rub your back like you did to me at the ocean."
"I don't—"
"We can just lie together and listen to music," he said. "We don't have to go anywhere."
No way in hell I'm hanging with you in my room. Mother Mary, help me through this.
"Let’s do something different." I looked directly into Jerry's eyes. "I don't feel like doing anything normal anymore."
"What do you mean, different?"
"I don't know, but . . ." I shoved my hands in my pockets. "I don't know, Jerry. Maybe we could go to the circus, or um, a soccer game? I think San Jose might be playing."
"Sounds good. Right now, I need your kiss, Nicky. I've been waiting to have it all week long." He started to pull me close, his head tilted. "Actually, all summer."
"No!" I abruptly jerked away.
"What's wrong?" he looked confused.
"I might be contagious. I don't want to take the chance I'll be the reason you got sick and missed playing your baseball games. Let me make sure this is nothing, okay?"
"You sure everything is all right? I mean besides feeling off?"
"Yes. No. I um, I actually have something, I—"
"I know where we can go!" he interrupted at the exact moment I was ready to begin the conversation I'd been dreading.
"Where?" I swayed back and forth nervously.
Stay away from anything romantic or a movie with make out scenes.
"Cirque du Soleil." He brushed an insect away. "Damn it. Pesky bug." He waved frantically and I cracked up. "Think that's funny?"
"Yes, it's funny. It keeps circling. What did you do? Put on too much hair product?"
AMAZING HEART (Broken Bottles Series Book 4) Page 6