Where was I? Oh … yeah … I was about to tell you something of my last teenage year, so you'd understand the earliest experiences that related to how I got to whom I became.
I was still trying to find myself in Tia's absence. I wasn't plotting a course as much as I was giving in to the opportunity of the moment. I thought I'd essentially recovered from Tia's death a year earlier but I'd come to the conclusion that it was always going to be with me. It had left me drifting and thoughts of her were never farther than the edge of my consciousness. I hadn't seen her again since my shrooms’ experience in the fall.
Back to me in the vignette I was trying to relate to you. My college friend, Mimi, used to dare me to do things. It was a rare occasion when I was able to resist her dares. Freshman year, during spring break, Mimi stayed with me in River’s Edge instead of returning to Coeur d'Alene. Neither of us had the money for a spring break on either coast, or in Mexico. She and I went to the River’s Edge Galleria to hang-out, rather than actually shop. I worked at the Macy's at a different mall, and didn't want to go there on a day off.
It was in late March. We felt quite grown-up by then having almost finished a year of college, and we were completely full of ourselves because we felt so much more confident than we had when the school year began. We were now past that exciting but scary transition period. I was both reckless and rash.
Knowing we were heading for the Galleria, I wore a tight pair of jeans with spike heels and a white linen blouse with puffy sleeves (I called it a peasant's blouse, before I knew what genuine peasants actually wore, which is usually nothing above the waist). Over that I wore a fitted leather vest that laced up the front. I liked to leave the top part untied or at least loose so I wouldn’t fee all confined. Since the linen blouse had a low neckline, I thought I looked pretty hot. Mimi did my makeup and I did hers. Each of us painted the other with more eyeliner, false eyelashes, eyebrow pencil, lip gloss and so on than we normally wore – just for the fun of being different that day. Leaving home, I’ll admit that I looked mature, primed, and ready for any kind of sexual encounter.
I had ten days without classes; I felt better than I had since Tia's death. I was in my last teen year, and I was horney.
We were walking around the mall, taking our sweet time to look at everything, and we stopped in the pet store. I’m not a fan of those places because I don't like the idea of selling animals like you'd sell video games or shoes or anything else in the mall. That said, we had time to kill and they had the cutest little ragdoll kittens in the window. We stopped in and the sales clerk - knowing how to work us - got one out and let us play with her in their enclosed play area. She was the cutest little ball of fur and was friendly like a puppy, which is typical of the ragdoll breed. I couldn't help but crack up at her antics, her tail was wagging like a dog so hard she would fall over from time to time. I just adored her but when I picked her up and was nuzzling her nose-to-nose, she picked that time to pee. Of course the stream of pee hit me, but at least it was only down my sleeve and not in my face. Nevertheless, it really smelled of cat pee. I had instantly become a litter box, and I had the aroma to go with it.
It was still early and we weren't ready to leave the mall yet so I thought about buying a new shirt or blouse or something to wear (I'd use any excuse to buy more clothes) but Mimi told me I should just go in the bathroom and take off the blouse and only wear the leather vest. I was reluctant because that would leave me in tight jeans, heals and a sleeveless leather vest, which only covered my front and back but not the sides because of the way it was laced. I wouldn't be able to wear my bra because it would look terrible with the open sides of the vest. I could feel my bravado, the cocky confidence I'd felt earlier, slipping away. A brief thought crossed my mind like a scrolling sign I could almost see: yeah, Tia could have pulled that off, but not I.
So I declined - until Mimi dared me. I was a sucker for a dare. At that point, I thought I would at least see what I looked like in the bathroom mirror. I could always change my mind and put my kitten-piss-stinky blouse on again if I needed to.
I went into the women's lounge, the mall's term, I called it the "john" like everyone else. Who was "John," anyway? Oh yeah, some godson of Elizabeth I. There are a lot of simple or important things I can't remember, but somehow, I remember that. Probably because no one messing with my mind thought to wipe it out. Don't believe me about "John?" His name was something like "John Hamilton," and he invented the flushing toilet. Like over 400 years ago.
I didn't even know they had toilets then, flushing or otherwise. They had trees and leaves, right? Maybe holes in a wood plank?
I was in the john, at the mirror, and thankfully, I was alone. I took off my pissy shirt, washed off my arm, slipped back into my vest, and examined myself as I fastened it up.
Whoa! That was way too much skin, in newly-uncovered places! It looked like I needed to put the pissy shirt back on. I started to take the vest off, hoping no one would enter the john right then, when the mirror shimmied and I saw someone off to the left side, behind me.
It was Tia. She scared the shit out of me.
"HUH?" I gasped in surprise. I hadn't been anywhere near shrooms in six months! Only that one time in Mimi's dorm.
Tia's lips were moving and I strained to listen. She paused, and I got the impression that she had started over. I hoped so, because I'd completely missed what she'd said before.
"Destiny, you have to be yourself. Decide who that is, and be that person."
Yeah, good advice, Obi-Wan. But I had no idea who I was. You're supposed to figure that out over four years of college, right?
Tia was obviously expecting more from me than I was ready for as a not-quite college sophomore.
"I can't, Tia. I need you to shore me up." I said that being surprised, confused, and probably wanting more help than I even needed.
"That's not an option – for either of us," she told me. "Dearest Destiny, it will get harder …"
And she flickered and was gone. I'm sure she'd never really been there.
I decided that it must have been the lighting. Tia is gone; Tia is gone.
Shaking, I stood there with my eyes closed for a long time, seeking some composure. Finally, I forced myself back to my image and tried to judge if I were tarty, slutty, sultry, acceptable but risqué, desirable, pretty, ugly, or plain gross. With my eyes open, I stared for many more minutes. I could feel Tia still nearby and I had a strong sense that she appreciated and approved of how I looked.
Actually, I looked REALLY HOT! I've always liked my broad, gymnastics-enhanced shoulders. Wearing a sleeveless leather vest left them mostly naked and was just plain sexy. It was even sexier since everyone could see the sides of my chest all the way up and down to my waist, except for two narrow leather strips that connected the front and back. Without a bra, if I moved just right, it was possible to catch a titillating side glimpse of my cute, modest-sized breast. Usually. The bottom of the vest didn't quite go down to the top of my low-cut jeans so I showed some skin there too, above my trim waist. I suppose I looked a little like a biker chick. I felt so sexy that it's hard to even articulate it. It gets me horny just writing about it years later.
Of course, almost everything gets me horny now. I wish I could do something about it … yeah, really. You'll see eventually, if you stick with my story. But I am digressing.
Mimi and I wandered the mall after I decided to leave the lady's lounge in just my vest and jeans - and I loved it. I felt so free and, surprisingly, not embarrassed or timid or … anything. Most people wouldn't see much unless they were close to me, but I did get a few looks. Or maybe it was my long, highlighted blonde hair.
As we walked by Spencer’s, Mimi pulled me in, telling me I needed a couple tattoos to complete the look. I knew immediately that resistance was futile. We bought a few, went back to the lounge, and she put a very real-looking, two-inch rose on my upper right breast, so that it was easily seen from the plunging lines of the vest. She al
so put a barbed-wire tat around my upper left arm. That took a while to get right. Both fake tats were very real looking, and they made me feel even sexier. They both lasted about two weeks, as I recall.
Of course now, the tattoos I have will last forever. And I never picked out a single one of them.
After we ate Japanese stir-fry at the food court, Mimi decided to take it a step further and dare me once again. She wanted me to loosen the leather laces up the front and take them out of the top section of the vest. I worked on slowly unlacing them while we sat there in the food court. She kept urging me to display more and more. I ended up taking out the lacing completely, which meant nothing was holding my vest together above the top of my boobs. I also loosened the section just below that. Now anyone could see lots of cleavage - such as I had back then - which wasn't that much, but it was firm and sexy. If I looked down I could actually see my belly button beyond where my small boobs parted. Still, as long as I didn't twist my torso, the vest stayed together pretty well. It wasn't like you could see my nipples or anything.
We wandered around the mall some more and by this time my exhibitionism was in control of how I felt and I was hot to trot. We had quite a few double-takes from people and even attracted four, early-twenty-something guys who tried to pretend they weren't following us. I remember distracting one older guy who was with his wife. He stumbled over her trying to see me. I suppose I got stares from just about everyone. The only people who didn’t stare at me were two gorgeous, young, black women, who were in line next to us at Aunt Annie’s. I thought at first that they might be twins. They were laughing and talking, clearly having a good time, and ignoring me completely. One had an eye slightly turned in so it was difficult to tell where she was looking. The other was looking right at me, and my promiscuous display didn’t get so much as a slightly raised eyebrow.
I was a little put-out, because they were so pretty, and I thought I also was. My sense of propriety demanded that they should acknowledge another beauty like themselves. After staring at them and trying to draw their attention, I decided they were neither black nor twins, they just had the same short, dark, kinky-curly hair. I was actually about to say something to get their undivided attention when I noticed the canes they were each holding in the hand away from me. They were blind!
River’s Edge was a haven for handicapped people – almost half of the population – so it wasn’t unusual to encounter disabled people there all the time. Since the cute blind girls couldn’t see me, I immediately felt better, though now I was even more anxious to show off.
Don’t think me completely wanton at that time; I would never have been that exhibitionist in most other places, like a park or on the street. I knew nobody would make an unwelcomed move on Mimi or me with the stores and mall cops around.
It was getting later so we made one final stop. I had noticed a cute guy in a computer accessories store earlier so we went back and we pretended to shop for small speakers. He was nice to look at but a little bit the geeky nerd type. He came across as a bit nervous and uncertain. He probably didn't have much experience talking with an overtly sexy girl in his store - or anywhere else, I suppose. I did ask him to show me a few speakers and I let him ogle me to his heart's content.
There was nobody else in the store so we took our time. Feeling brash and totally into teasing the guy, I did the ol' leaning forward routine a few times. He soon overcame his nervousness and sort of played the game along with me. For example, he dropped a patch cord at his feet and I bent down and picked it up for him, standing back up a little slower than necessary, to afford him a good view down the almost open front of my vest.
For a little while I let Mimi have at him while I browsed in another part of the store. Her clothes were certainly sexy, though not as conspicuously flirtatious as mine. Over in one corner, I took out the last set of laces from the vest so all I had to hold it in place were the position of my boobies in the fitted front, and its natural tendency to try to close. At this point, the vest wasn’t laced anywhere in the front; the two halves gapped a couple inches apart. A sneeze from across the room would have opened it up, revealing my little knockers in all their 19-year-old glory.
It was beyond suggestive. When I walked back over to the cute clerk and Mimi, I thought both his and her eyes were going to pop out. At one point, unable to resist it, I turned sideways quickly and the vest came open. There was no way he didn’t see my entire titty, nipple and all.
After a few more minutes we left. I did feel a little guilty that we didn't buy anything from him, but it was okay in the end. A couple weeks later we had the first of several dates and we remained good friends until … until I was gone.
He totally forgave me for playing with him like that, but he always liked to see my tits. I wonder how he is now. He’d never recognize me in a hundred years. He wouldn’t recognize my tits either.
From the computer store we walked back towards the exits. An older, mall cop with a bright shock of gray hair decided it was a good time to make his presence known. He was very nice but he made it clear that the Galleria would be closing shortly. He asked if we needed an escort to our vehicle so we would be safe. It was sweet because he pretended to ignore my state of undress, and mentioned it was a service they offered to all women at closing time. I didn't believe his story but we let him walk us to my car. To this day I'm not certain if he were escorting us for safety reasons, for ogling reasons, or if he had been told we weren't welcome anymore and he needed to kick us out of the mall.
Though I didn't often realize it, I was socially adrift without Tia, searching for whom and what I was. Tia was nothing if not a classy, classic beauty, with a grace and elegance that was far beyond her age. I learned so much from her, and I became a far better person for it. After she was gone, I felt inadequate, lost and somewhat undone. Though I don't understand how, those feelings aroused a deep-seated vein of exhibitionism that grew while I was in college. Eventually, my unconscious flirting was going to get me into a lot of trouble. More than once. And the trouble seemed to get worse each time it happened.
I remember sometimes, but I’m not much for flirting anymore. There’s no reward during or afterward for me. There's only punishment.
Flirting became pointless after I had been here for a while. In the Sudan. Before I came to the Sudan, it had grown to a way of life, an occupation. I was a professional coquette, among other things.
Now I can’t go home. Home to River’s Edge or America that is. This is my home now. This dirty, dusty, stinking village. I'm lost somewhere in the Sudan.
Chapter 3 - Landslide
I went on my first dig when I was a junior in college. While I was an archeology major with a minor in anthropology, my geek side was firing on all cylinders. I managed to get into an excavation program sponsored by several universities. Most of the digs were a week or two at a time, at various places in the Americas. Those experiences served me well when it came time to apply for grad school, and I had several attractive opportunities. I decided to stay relatively close to home, and chose another huge state university in the state capital – the city where my Tia was killed - about 65 miles from River’s Edge.
I could have gone away and gained experiences on one of the coasts or elsewhere, but I had a serious boyfriend at the time. At least, I thought our relationship was serious. I hadn’t decided how that was going to play-out over the long term, especially if I made a career out of my favorite activity, scrounging in the dirt and sand and rock for glimpses of ancient civilizations, the people who lived in them, and probing into how they viewed the world and what they did both day-to-day and on special occasions.
I hadn't "seen" Tia since her appearance in the mall mirror, though I'd dreamt of her many times. The dreams were all those stupid, frustrating dreams where you're supposed to be at home, but it doesn't look like home, and you're with friends who don't look like they normally do. All except for Tia, that is. In my fuzzy, poorly formed subconscious yearnings, Tia alwa
ys looked like Tia, smelled like Tia, and acted like Tia. Unfortunately, she never appeared to notice me until right at the end of the dream. She would glance at me, her face inscrutable – and then I'd wake up. Every time.
That pattern continued until one night when I was in the throes of deciding about grad school and my boyfriend, with whom I was living. In that dream, Tia looked at me and, instead of waking up, I heard her say, "Decide for you, Destiny, before someone else does."
"What about my guy?" I asked her.
"A ship passing in the night," she said. "The fates are closing about you. Your chance of fulfilling your own destiny is poised on the edge and could fall either way."
And then I woke up, no wiser for having listened to Tia's riddles. In my heart of hearts, I thought they were my own riddles, projected on a friend and lover who only (imperfectly) existed in my memory.
**********
By the time I was finishing my Master’s degree, with a decent thesis, the boyfriend was history and I was free to go where I wanted. I was trying to decide between entering a PhD program - where I was or elsewhere - and trying to get hired-on at an interesting dig in some exotic location.
In the end, I couldn’t decide. I lacked the grounding my relationship with Tia had given me. I suffered for lack of ideas from my trusted, valued, much-respected friend and lover, even six years after she was gone. I chose to apply to multiple places for different opportunities. Unable to completely seize Destiny’s destiny, I’d let their acceptance and/or individual offers decide for me. Years ago, when I was with Tia, I always thought maybe we’d decide to launch our careers together, maybe after finishing complimentary PhDs at one university, or two close by each other. Now, I’d completely ignored Tia’s advice to decide for myself, commit to a future, and grab onto what I wanted, challenging the world to deter me from my chosen goals, my destiny. At the time, I didn’t realize what I’d done, what I’d committed myself to.
Destiny Taken (Destiny Lost Book 1) Page 4