by Ja Rule
I don’t like to get mad at people. It takes up way too much energy that could be used creating music. I hated turning into my father.
ON APRIL 6, 2003, I almost passed out in the fucking hospital. I had never experienced such a feeling in my life. It was a take-my-breath-away, head-spinning, sweat-pouring, blurry-eyed anxiety attack. It was a frightening sensation. It took over my whole body. It felt like a tsunami had lodged inside of me, pushing me over from the inside. I was at the hospital waiting for my third child, Jordan, to be born.
“The umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck,” the doctor said to me.
There’s a chance that my new baby boy may not live. But, God was listening. I wouldn’t have been able to live if Jordan didn’t make it.
But he did.
Jordan, as Jeffrey Jr. did, will grow up a wealthy kid with everything at his disposal.
I RECORDED R.U.L.E. UNDER THE INC. LABEL, AND IT WAS released in 2004. The joint was still hot no matter what the hip-hop heads were saying. The joint “Wonderful” with R. Kelly was hot and talked about all the fake-ass bitches that I’d met. It went number one in the UK, which never happens for American artists. The other hot joints were “R.U.L.E,” “Never Thought” and “Life Goes On”—all hot joints. “What’s My Name?” was a club anthem, and “New York” was strictly for my New York fans.
DURING THIS PERIOD, I was at the height of my career, but the music game was dragging me down. I felt the stress that I had felt when I was hustling on the corner. Now, instead of pushing drugs, I was pushing hits. It’s the same hustle. You have to get your music to the fiends, the audience and the DJs are like the lieutenants stirring up the sales, getting radio interested in your shit. You have to make sure that the DJs that have your music are the ones with the right connects. It can’t just be any DJ. Most of all you have to be out there, visible, showing the world that you are keeping it real. I had to remain strong and aggressive at all times. I really had to hustle to have a hit record and then I had to battle to keep it.
There were more run-ins with the law. My patience with bullshit was wearing thin. Everything and everyone in sight irritated me. In 2004, I was arrested for punching a man in a club in Toronto, Canada. All the way in Canada it was more shit having to do with 50 Cent. Don’t get me wrong. These were not fights because someone was simply listening to 50 Cent or wearing a G-Unit T-shirt. These were matters of being disrespected. The guy in Canada said something to irritate me. He said into my ear, “G-Unit.” It was an impulse reaction because he was just too physically close to me. That was the reason I punched him in his face. It was totally unnecessary. The case was all over the newspapers in Canada and the US. I hated putting Aisha and the kids through all of this stuff.
In 2005, I was arrested for driving with a suspended license and possession of marijuana. The walls of fame had come tumbling down.
A couple more people had gotten killed in Detroit, linked to Eminem’s Shady Records. Now that Shady Records and Aftermath Entertainment were involved with 50 Cent, the fans in Detroit were a part of the beef. Eminem saw that he and 50 Cent were taking on each other’s beefs and getting people killed who had no real affiliation with them. I even talked to MTV about it and I said the beef thing was wack. I told them that I was done with it. I hated being in trouble with the law. It just didn’t look good to my kids.
IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME Aisha called me screaming on the phone. She was screaming so loudly that I had to excuse myself from the meeting that I was in. She screamed so loudly that she was losing her voice. I slid into an empty conference room and let her get it all out. I thought something had happened to one of the kids. My heart was racing so hard that I couldn’t breathe. Finally, she shrieked, “I heard it on the radio. Don’t deny it. Don’t deny it, muthafucka!”
I had no idea what she was talking about.
“Do you know a bitch named Karinne? Because this is what she said about you ‘Ja entered my body and I felt both pain and love simultaneously.’” Aisha said angrily.
“I don’t think I know her. Who is that bitch? Where would I know her from?” I said carefully.
“You may not know her but you certainly fucked her! Five days you were fucking her which is why you never answered your phone in California!”
“What?” My heart sank. “Babe, let me call you back. Someone just came in the room. I will call you right back. Stay calm. I love you.” I said as I pushed END.
Karinne had written a book, and I had to get my hands on it to manage this shit. Aisha knew everything already and I had to catch up.
I CALLED IRV. “Find out about Karinne. She wrote a book and I’m in it. Find it. Find it!”
They were talking about the book Confessions of a Video Vixen on every urban radio station across the country. Karinne Steffans wrote about all of her exploits with people in hip-hop that she’d fucked. There was a chapter in the book called “Pain Is Love.” There was nowhere to hide.
Fame is the most dangerous drug of them all. Who would do that? Why would a single mother embarrass herself in order to make a little money and a lot of unfortunate fame? It’s clever though, how she turned it into a franchise. But, today, nobody wants anything to do with her. One has to be careful about what they build their fame on. Snitching and hoeing are a weak foundation.
I thought that Aisha had already read each page over and over again, ingesting each word, ready to spit them back at me, but she hadn’t. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I’d told Aisha that I’d call her back, but for the first time in my whole fucking life, I was scared. I didn’t think I could take any more, with the police trouble, the media reports and now Aisha policing me more than ever.
BLACK HAD SURVIVED PRISON and I’d blown up. He was released during Rule 3:36. The year 2003 was the perfect time to do the Cash Money Click album with Black and O. I still wanted to do something good. It was important to me that I kept my promise to Black and O.
I went to Lyor and he gave me a verbal go-ahead to go over to TVT and do it. We recorded a full album that was dope. When it was almost finished, Lyor pulled the plug on us. He said simply, “Ja, you’re not doing that.” It became a new fight.
Steve Gottlieb of TVT proceeded to sue Def Jam for $100 million. Def Jam told Lyor that he would be responsible if Def Jam lost the case. For the first time, Lyor wasn’t straightforward with me. He gave me a test and I failed it. He just wanted to see what I would do if I told him that I would record for Steve after all that Lyor and I had been through. Because I was thinking of my boys and not the business, I thought it would be cool. When he told me that I could do it, he was testing my loyalty. I failed. He pulled the plug. It wouldn’t make good sense to “lend” me to Steve Gottlieb. I was one of Def Jam’s top-selling artists.
Lyor felt that I should’ve been wise enough to tell Black and O that we weren’t going to be able to do it. Cash Money Click was good, it just got fucked-up beyond our control. Making that album with them was the right thing to do. We called it CMC EST 1995, Cash Money Click, established in 1995. The album was hot. However, it was never released and there are no traces of it, anywhere.
In my situation, I could understand how slaves must have felt when white men were fighting over the fruits they had the potential to gain over the slaves’ labor. It was about power, which is what white men need to live. All I wanted to do was keep my promise to my fans. Now I recognize the importance of keeping the big picture in view.
The lawsuit definitely strained my relationship with Lyor. Eventually, I did show my loyalty to Lyor in court, and Def Jam won the case.
Looking back, the whole thing was a pissing contest between Lyor Cohen and Steve Gottlieb. They needed to show whose dick was bigger. That’s how the corporate boys fight—in court.
*
August 1, 2012
Damn, time flies when you’re having fun, HA. I’m almost done with this bullshit, 5 months and 20 days to the door. Can’t wait to tell these punk ass COs to
kiss my ass. At least I can say I accomplished a few things while I was here. For 1 I got my mother fuckin weight up. I came in like 160 and right now I’m 185 all muscle. It wasn’t easy but I’m happy I put in the work. A lot of niggas came in and get fat. I wouldn’t be able to look at myself if I did that. I haven’t drank, smoked or fucked in almost 2 years. Shit I might be able to walk on water right now, LOL. At 36 I am in the best shape of my life. I also got my GED, finally. I thought it would make me feel good to get my diploma but it made me feel like an asshole that I didn’t have one already. It didn’t make me feel stupid ’cause I still had to study, take the test and pass. But it did make me realize just how many young Black men don’t have High School Diplomas. They say that the average education in prison is 8th grade. That means the average man in prison is not even capable of passing the test. Case in point, when I took the pretest there was at least 30 guys who took it with me, but only 5 of them that actually passed and was able to take the GED. What’s crazy is a lot of these young dudes look up to me and aspire to have some of the things that I’ve acquired in my life. But here I am in the same place as them taking the same fucking test. So what that I passed. Does it make me any smarter? Any better? To be honest I’m probably the dumbest nigga in the room ’cause I should be setting a better example, not only for them, but for my sons and my daughter. It’s funny how prison has a way of solving that age old mystery of the tale of three stories . . . the one you’re telling, the one they’re telling, AND THE TRUTH!
*
THIRTEEN
The Mirror
THE PROBLEM WITH BEING FAMOUS IS THAT THERE ARE TOO many strings attached. Fans want you to do the things that you’ve always done over and over again. That’s also what the labels want. Hip-hop doesn’t like change.
Funny thing is that I never strived to be famous as much as I wanted to be creative. I really couldn’t fathom the power that art could have over people until I was clocking chart-topping records and winning awards.
I YEARNED TO DO a more artistic and far-reaching album. I had recorded a set of new songs that were a surprising departure from my usual stuff. I called it The Mirror and presented it to Motown. The songs from The Mirror didn’t have a lot of guest performers on it because I wanted it to be about me and what I’d been through and how it changed me. I called it The Mirror because when you’re standing in front of a mirror, all you see is you. Of course, the first singles weren’t well received by radio, because they were different than they were accustomed to hearing from me.
Eventually, I ended up virtually giving the The Mirror away as a free download. I was no longer worried about the money, I just wanted to do something creative and give my die-hard fans a gift, after all we’d been through. The Mirror was ambitious but it was surprisingly well received by those who got it. People had tripped that I had R&B singers on my songs before. This time, I was the one who was singing! I took chances without being worried about the fans’ reception, reviews or the record sales. I started The Mirror with a Gregorian chant. On the track “Father Forgive Me,” I sampled the Beatles’ classic hit “Eleanor Rigby,” over which I sang the chorus. On “The Mirror,” I reflected on my life, and on “Sing a Prayer 4 Me,” I prayed for strength. I must admit that there were some hot street songs, too, like “Enemy of the State” and “Sunset,” but overall there was a slightly different feel to the album, a certain new awareness. It showed that I’d been through some things and was becoming wiser than I had ever been. Wise enough to know that art was all that mattered.
This album proved to me that I am indeed an artist. I drew on everything, including travel, to put this album together. I had traveled a lot over the years. I had been to Europe and the Middle East; I even went to the Brazilian favelas and a war zone, in Kuwait, to perform for the 2001 USO tour with J. Lo and Kid Rock. I was able to bring Aisha to the USO tour in Iraq in 2009. We both learned a lot about the world, just by standing on foreign soil. On one occasion, we stayed in one of Saddam Hussein’s hunting lodges, where everything in the place was gilded in gold and silver.
I heard and saw everything around me in a new way. Middle Eastern music layered its sounds differently than what I was used to. I was really feeling their unique vocal styles, exotic instruments and language. Sensuality and spirituality rang out in every note. Just by hearing it, my music would never be the same again.
It’s amazing what exposure does to a closed mind. When you travel and see different parts of the world, your eyes are opened to a whole new way of seeing. Leaving America showed me that people all over the world love hip-hop because there are so many more poor people in the world than rich. Hip-hop is the universal sound of oppression.
I couldn’t understand what the international music was saying but it sounded fresh. We couldn’t imitate it, but we felt it. That’s what art does. It forces us to connect the dots between our inside and the outside.
ONE OF THE MOST ENLIGHTENING EXPERIENCES I had was performing at the favelas in Brazil with Fat Joe in 2008. When we accepted the show, to be honest, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. For me, it was just another show in an “unsavory” neighborhood. It didn’t seem dangerous to me until I told people that I was going and all they could do was warn me about how dangerous it was.
These Brazilian favelas sat on a hill high above Rio de Janeiro. The favelas are totally unpoliced ghettos. Everyone is armed. There are no formal police because even they felt that it was too dangerous to go up there. Even the hardcore rappers in America declined the invitation. Only a rare few artists have taken the trip. I was the first in the hip-hop community. The only others to have made this trip are Madonna, Michael Jackson and Mos Def.
The sweeping views of the city below would never suggest the poverty, the danger and the anarchy that exist in this secluded area. In the favelas the crowded streets are lined with people of all ages who contribute to the system in one of four industries: cocaine, heroin, guns or human trafficking. It’s a community where those things are the mainstay of the economy, because those are the things we do when we have no education.
The people are living in crumbling shantytowns, barely habitable, their homes held up only by shoddy sheets of aluminum that only cover the roof or patch up holes in the walls. They can’t afford both. They walk long distances for water to drink and to bathe. Through the dusty crowded streets, two- and three-year-old barefoot children run naked and alone. What struck me most was not the poverty or the danger but the warmth of the people in the favelas. They made me feel at home and welcome. It made me reexamine the hood that I’d built my whole career rebuking. No matter how bad the projects may be in America, there’s typically running water, electricity, food and a secure roof. That simple truth was life-changing.
*
October 21, 2012
Damn today is wifey’s Birthday. I wish I was there to be with her, but I’m stuck in this shithole. I never realized how much these days meant to me until now. Someone I love so much and I can’t see her, touch her, all because I fucked up. I know she feels the same way but love becomes somewhat of your enemy in here. I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday and to tell her that I love her but not being there hurts. Right now we would probably be in another country somewhere having a great time with each other, getting drunk like we were kids back in High School. This place makes me bitter and angry, that’s why I say love becomes your enemy. ’Cause every time I think about the good times I should be sharing with my wife it breaks my heart to know that this freedom has been taken away from me. I try not to think about it, but it’s all I think about. Sitting in this cell looking at the pics I have up of all of us and our beautiful family reminds me of all the good times we’ve shared over the years, the hard times too. But I honestly can’t say bad times, our love has grown over the years and we’re slowly but surely becoming best friends. We’ve been together so long I couldn’t see myself with any other woman. She is my first, my last, my everything.
SOUL MATES!!!
!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY
JEFF HEARTS AISHA
LOL . . . XOXOXOXO
*
FOURTEEN
Sober
I WASN’T EXPECTING THAT SHIT IN A MILLION YEARS. THE WAY they arrested me was bullshit. I made a surprise appearance at a Lil Wayne show at the Beacon Theater in New York. I’ve known Lil Wayne since he was twelve years old. He and I collaborated on “Uh-Ohhh!!” for The Mirror. I had been laying low, so when he called me and asked me to come down to do a surprise performance with him, I was happy to do it. When he called me to the stage, the crowd went wild. I was feeling good about the show, happy that some people knew “The Mirror,” and liked it.
After the show, I got into my Maybach, drove half a block and the cops pulled me over for speeding. First of all, you can’t speed in a Maybach. It’s a $400,000 car, which is half limo, half tank. It weighs about nine trillion pounds. It ain’t made for racing. Secondly, they claimed it was a “routine stop”—except there were two undercovers, two undercover cars and six or seven officers there to make the arrest. Then they searched the car and found a gun in a side compartment.
Only four words would explain who they were: The Hip-Hop Task Force, the secret intelligence group that the NYPD formed in 2003. The Village Voice did a story on it. It’s a group that was actually created for the sole purpose of keeping its eye on hip-hop artists and their entourages.
I wasn’t even driving the damned car. My driver, Muhammad, RIP, was. I was in the back of the car, so the whole idea of a speeding violation for me doesn’t even add up. Lil Wayne got arrested that same night on the same charge. He did eight months for that shit. Damned cops! They must have gotten mad medals for that shit, nabbing two rappers in one night.