Pain. Betrayal. Confusion.
I thought my mother was dead. Otherwise, why would she have left me with the Pack? I wasn’t stolen away like most of the other children. I was brought to the Pack, handed to them like a present. I knew my father was dead, I dimly remember him dying. My mother was sick, weak, and I always thought she’d given me to the Pack because she knew that she was dying, that she wasn’t going to be able to look after me. That it was the only way for her to know that I’d survive.
That’s what I told myself all my life. That she couldn’t have returned for me. That she’d died. It’s how I got through living with the Pack. Knowing that it had been my mother’s last act to bring me there. That she probably hadn’t known how bad it was there. Better with the Pack than ending up on the streets. I’d never have survived there as a toddler. I don’t know how old I was exactly when she left me, but I can’t have been older than three or four. Old enough to have fragments of memories, too young to make it on my own on the streets.
But even worse than the sense of betrayal is my confusion over why my mother would have been at the chocolate factory. Why kill two cats? Why kidnap kittens? It didn’t make any sense. I’d thought it might have been humans who wanted the kittens for experimentation or some other evil scheme, or maybe even Pack shifters. But not my mother. Not a cat shifter.
Ryker lies down by my side, his fur touching mine. He doesn’t speak. Doesn’t move. Just lies there, giving me the comfort of his company. I’m glad he doesn’t talk to me. I wouldn’t know what to say. I feel like a traitor. Maybe he thinks that I intentionally didn’t identify the scent. But then, no, he wouldn’t be here if he mistrusted me. He’s not come to blame me. He’s come to help.
I kind of want to cry, but it’s not something I do. Katriona Feln doesn’t cry. Maybe I would if I’d been raised by my mother rather than the Pack. In the Pack, every weakness is exploited, so I quickly learned never to show my emotions, until they’d died off, locked away. Tears can be death in places like the Pack.
Night falls and I’m starting to get cold. I have a thick fur, but lying in the same position without moving for hours hasn’t been a good idea. I’m stiff and sore. I might be able to shift again soon, but I better do that at home so that I can fall into my hammock and sleep for a long, long time.
“Do you want to go home?” Ryker asks softly, almost as if he’s afraid to break the silence.
“Not really,” I mutter, my voice hoarse. “But I think it’s time.”
“Want to talk?”
I don’t. But then my mouth opens and words tumble out, without me in control. Damn my brain.
“I didn’t know it was my mother. I swear, I didn’t recognise her scent. She abandoned me when I was a child…”
Abandoned. There it is. Until now, I’ve convinced myself that it was for my own good, that she left me to save me. Now, I know that it’s not true. She abandoned me. She could have come back, saved me from my life in the Pack, but she didn’t. She left me to a life of pain, slavery and abuse. What mother would do that?
“She’s not my mother,” I say harshly. “She may have borne me, but I don’t accept that she’s my mother. The mother I remember wouldn’t kill. She wouldn’t kidnap innocent babies. She wouldn’t have left me…”
Fuck. My eyes itch. No, I’m not going to cry.
Remember your training, Kat. Tears are death. Tears are weakness. Don’t let Ryker see you like that. He needs to respect you. You’re not a weak female who needs to be comforted. You’re stronger than him. Stronger than all of them.
I manage to swallow back the tears and my eyes stop itching. Good. That’s progress.
I get up and shake my body, trying to get rid of some of the stiffness.
“Let’s go home,” I say with a sigh and start running.
Ryker follows me all the way back. I'm not sure why he's doing that. Shouldn't he be out there looking for his son? Instead, he's with me, watching me mope. What a waste of time. And yet, I'm kind of grateful for his presence. He keeps me grounded, even though he's not doing anything besides being there.
I take the route through the backyard, up the bins and then onto the roof, until I'm in the attic. My little sanctuary.
Ryker lands behind me, his soft paws barely making a sound. He's big for a cat, but nowhere near my size. I wonder if one of his parents was a big cat rather than just a domesticated house cat. He looks like he could have a trace of lion blood in him.
With a pained groan, I drop to the floor and let the shift take over. I want to be human again; I prefer to sleep on my hammock rather than as a cat on the floor.
The pain is worse than anticipated. I scream as my fur is peeled off my body, as my bones crack and break. Pain, so much pain. Whimpers break through my gritted teeth. I don't want to scream, don't want the others to know how bad it is, but I can't help it. The pain overwhelms me, grips me tight. My body changes agonisingly slow, making me experience every second of it. I should have stayed a cat. Should have known this was a bad idea.
I'm only half conscious of what goes on around me. Ryker is still there, watching me, but there are other people too. I want to get up, open my eyes and make sure they're not a threat, but I don't find the energy to do so. I'm being tortured by my own body and there's nothing I can do about it but wait until it's over.
"She's bleeding. Get some bandages."
I am? I shouldn't bleed. Sometimes I bite my tongue while shifting, but I doubt they're talking about that. Whoever they are.
The pain is giving way to thick fog, embracing me and carrying me away from the agony that still slides through my bones.
"Has this ever happened before?"
"Should we get Lennox?"
No, not Lennox. I don't want him to see me like this.
I can't move, can't talk, all I can do is scream and whimper. Even though I barely feel any pain anymore, my body is still reacting to it.
I wish I could just black out. Go to sleep and wake up when it's all over. Sadly, my mind has other plans. Keeping me awake, although it's all muddled and not quite real. As if I'm looking at the world through a mirror.
"We need to stop the blood flow. It's getting worse."
Maybe that's why I feel so dreamy. Loss of blood can do that. I take advantage of that regularly when I want information from people. Take enough blood from them and they might get woozy enough to spill their secrets. I'm rather glad that I can't talk just now.
"She's burning up, we need something cold. Do you have any ice?"
So many voices. I can't keep them straight in my head. Can't figure out how many people they are. They keep talking but only a few sentences filter through.
Please, someone knock me out. I don't want to be in this state anymore. Just knock me out and be done with it. Being helpless is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. And right now, I'm as helpless as I've ever been. I hate it. Even at the Pack, even with a collar, I was more in control than I am now.
I try to speak, try to tell them to hit me on the head or strangle me or whatever they want, but I can't even open my mouth. The taste of blood slowly registers, making me want to spit it out, but no, my jaws are locked. Am I human yet? Or am I still a cat? Or something in between?
The fogginess increases. Please, take me with you. Let me pass out. Let me escape this world.
"What is she saying?"
Am I talking? No, I don't think so.
"She's talking in cat."
No, I'm not.
"It's going to be okay, Kat. I'm here."
His voice is clear, breaking through the fog. Ryker. I cling to his words, holding on as tight as possible. I need him to stay. He's the only one who understands me.
"I'll stay."
Did I say that out loud?
"Yes, you did."
No, I can't have. I can feel my jaws locked together. There's blood in my mouth. I can't talk. I'm trying to but it's not working.
"Kat, you're speaking. A lot. Tr
ust me, you're talking. Yes, there's blood, but your mouth is definitely opening and closing."
But it doesn't feel that way. Does that mean I can't trust anything that I think I feel? Is my body betraying me?
I whimper. Worst. Day. Ever.
"It will be alright," he repeats. "I think your shift is almost over. Hopefully, the bleeding will stop once it's done."
Bleeding?
"Eh, yes, your entire body is covered in blood. It's like you're stuck in between cat and human. Not quite finished. Your skin is still repairing itself."
Urgh, that sounds dreadful. No wonder I'm in agony.
"It looks very painful. One of the humans is looking for painkillers, I think. They're doing their best to help you."
They? I don't understand their voices properly. The only one who feels real is Ryker.
"That must be because you're not quite human yet. But I'm glad you can talk to me. I was so worried."
Worried about me? He should be worried about his son, about the other kittens. It's a waste of time that he's here with me.
"Others are looking for them," Ryker says gently. "They're keeping me updated. Now that we know that we're looking for another cat shifter, it's just a matter of time until we find her. As soon as my cats find her scent, they'll come and fetch me. And you, if you're feeling better by then. So don't worry. I'll stay."
His words are like medicine. Soothing me, making the pain less. I wonder how he can do that. How he has this sort of power over me.
He chuckles softly. "Maybe it's because I'm a shifter too. Not that I'm fully used to that thought yet. I haven't even told any of the others. If I don't know how to shift, if I'll stay a cat forever, maybe they don't need to know."
He’s avoiding the topic.
“No, I’m not. I have thought about it, but I need more time.”
How is he responding to all of my thoughts?
“Because you’re talking aloud. It seems you have no filter at all. Other cats would take advantage of that.”
But he won’t. Ryker is a nice cat. Pretty cat. So handsome and sweet and honourable.
He chuckles. “Let me stop you there. Don’t say anything you may regret once you’re back to normal.”
Oh yes. I should be careful. I can’t have him know how much I admire him, for how he’s helped the other cats, how he’s survived without guidance from his parents, how he’s managed to get his mane so gorgeous, how-
“Stop, Kat. You’re delirious. Are you still in pain?”
I concentrate on my body. It’s hard to do, it’s like it’s not quite my own. Not anymore. There’s still pain, but it’s far enough away that it’s bearable. But I really want to sleep. Pass out.
“I might be able to help with that. Ever been smothered by a cat?”
I shall add it to my list of weird experiences. My anti-bucket list. I steel myself and hope he can hear my thoughts. Do it. Knock me out.
Something warm and furry touches my face, but because my body is so far away, I don’t feel any pain, any discomfort as he slowly suffocates me. Kat, killed by a cat. Oh the irony.
Chapter Nine
“Don’t you dare wake her. She needs her beauty sleep. Quite literally. Have you seen her skin?”
Meow. Meow.
“Look, you overgrown fur ball. You almost killed her last night. The least you could do is let her sleep.”
Meow.
I groan and sit up, looking around the room. I’m not in my hammock, but on the floor, supported by cushions and a blanket. Pity, I love my hammock. It’s my favourite part of the day, swinging gently from side to side, pretending I’m outdoors. Unless I did some killing, then that was my favourite part of the day.
“Now you’ve done it, you’ve woken her up.”
Beth is sitting by the trap door, her legs dangling parallel to the ladder. Ryker is next to her, still meowing. Even though I’m not shifted, it’s easy to hear the urgency in his voice. He traipses over to me, rubbing his head against my thigh. I don’t remember much of what happened. Lots of pain. My shift going wrong.
“What happened?” I ask Bethany. Urgh, my voice is all hoarse and weak. I need a drink. Milk and honey, or maybe just milk. A whole bowl full. No, glass. Humans drink from glasses.
She grimaces. “You turned into a bloody mess. I’m used to a lot but even I thought it was disgusting. Please don’t do it again.”
“Do what again?”
Not sure I want to hear, but I hate not having all the information.
“Your fur disappeared but your skin disappeared with it. You were a mass of bloody flesh. That’s what happened. As I said, disgusting.” She shudders visibly. “And you were meowing a lot. This cat here meowed back, and at some point, he jumped on your face and smothered you. We tried to stop him, but he fought pretty bravely.”
She points at scratches on her arms.
I give Ryker a sharp look. “No scratching my friends. They’re off limits.”
He gives me a scorching glare and I sigh. “Okay, you did good. I dimly remember asking you to do it.”
“You asked him to kill you?” Beth asks incredulously.
“Not kill me. Just make me unconscious so I didn’t have to feel all that pain.”
Her gaze softens. “I’m glad you’re still with us. I wasn’t all that sure last night. Never seen anything like it, and neither had Lennox.”
I perk up. “Lennox was here?”
Ryker growls a little, but I ignore him. This isn’t the time for the animosity between cats and wolves.
“Yeah, he left a couple of hours ago when your skin was mostly grown back. He said he’d be back soon, that there was something he needed to do.”
Or maybe he’s simply avoiding me. I’d do the same.
I turn back to Ryker. “Any news on Pumpkin and the others?”
He shakes his furry head, somehow managing to make it look extremely majestic. Definitely lion’s blood somewhere in his family. That mane…
He meows and it’s almost like I can understand. His intentions are much clearer than I can usually sense from other cats. For them, it’s mostly their basic needs like food, warning of danger, happiness. With him, there’s so much more hidden in his meow. It must be because he’s a shifter. I’ve never communicated with other cat shifters - well, I must have as a child, but I can’t remember that – so this is a new experience for me.
“What’s he saying?” Bethany asks, as if she knows that I can understand.
“They haven’t found the kittens yet, but… they found something. And want me to come. Right?”
Ryker nods, relief shining in his bright blue eyes. He meows again.
“You can come along too, Beth. I’m not sure if it’s just because you might want to, or because they need you. It’s kind of hard to understand.”
Beth snickers. “Of course they need me. I’m the best.”
I laugh, but stop when my ribs start aching. I seem to be mostly healed, but I should still take it easy. No shifting for several days at the very least. That’s going to be torture. Maybe Lennox knows more about what happened. Or maybe he knows other shifters who might. I still don’t know who he works for exactly. So many questions I want to ask him, so many stories to hear, but after what happened between us, I’m not sure I’m going to get the chance. Sleeping with him was a mistake. A big one.
Slowly, I get up, realising that I’m naked. I don’t really care about Bethany seeing me in the nude, but for some reason, I don’t like Ryker seeing me like that. Even though he’s a cat. But he’s also a male, I remind myself. At some point, he will shift into a human man, once we’ve figured out how to get him to do that. After the Lennox fiasco, I’m going to stay away from men for a while. No temptations. No nakedness. Definitely no fucking.
“Turn around,” I snap, glad when Ryker immediately follows my order. Beth giggles, but doesn’t say anything. Good. I feel my strength returning and with it, the desire to kill something. Simply because I’m angry at my
self. A good assassination always distracts me from my own failures. Reminds me how good I am at the things that really count.
I quickly get dressed in my favourite black jumpsuit (I have several of them) and pocket as many knives as I can find in the attic. There are more down in the weapons room, but I probably won’t get the chance to kill anyone today. If my mother really is the culprit, then I’m not sure I can kill her. I’d have a very violent word with her though. Not just for abandoning me, but also for killing cats and kidnapping babies.
Ryker meows.
“Meet us outside, I’m taking the ladder this time,” I tell him and turn to Beth. “You coming?”
She nods. “This is much more interesting than sitting here waiting for Benjamin to wake up.”
“Did you analyse the blood yet that was stuck to Haru’s claws?”
“Yeah, it’s in the machine, but it will take a few more hours till it’s done. I’ve already told Benjamin to compare the results with the police database. He was rather happy when I told him he gets to break into their headquarters again. He was wondering whether they’ve improved their security since he last did it.”
I sigh. “That boy is getting reckless. I’m not going to spend any money on his bail if he gets caught.”
Bethany laughs. “I told him exactly that, but he doesn’t care. He’s good though, he’ll manage. You’ve trained him well.”
“There wasn’t much training to do. He’d learned most of it himself. I only helped him refine his technique and become a little more soft-footed. Anyway, if that’s taken care of, let’s go.”
Ryker doesn’t lead us back to the chocolate factory, but in the opposite direction. We’re slow since I’m not quite strong enough to run, and because I’m munching a sandwich while we’re walking. I was starving, since my body apparently used up all my reserves trying to heal itself. I could eat a dozen mice or so. I groan when I realise what I just thought. My mind is still in cat mode. I hope this isn’t a permanent thing.
Bethany is whistling cheerily. I’d love to shut her up, but I don’t want to spend any energy on arguing with her.
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