“Look.” Arianna raised that still flawless face. “Unless you are in my head, you cannot know what the thought of sickness and blood does to me. Why do you think I left to begin with? I almost went insane when I had him — the hospital, the blood, the pain. You have no idea. And when I thought it was over, he was colicky. And there were all those doctor visits. And then he would have a fever and I didn’t know what to do. He would cry. Do you think I wanted to leave him?”
“I don’t know.” Arianna’s explanation didn’t set right in Tolly’s gut. At best it was lame; at worst it was a lie.
“What mother would want to leave her child?” Arianna challenged.
“No one likes blood, hospitals, and pain,” Tolly said.
“It goes beyond that with me.” Arianna looked at her hands in her lap. “I was five when my older brother rode his skateboard into the path of a car in front of our house. I saw it all. You can’t know.” Her voice caught. “There was so much blood. And the ambulance, the sirens … “ She looked up again, her eyes haunted. “And then there was the funeral.”
Tolly imagined such a scene in her own front yard, but with Harris on the skateboard and an ambulance coming for him. She shuddered.
“I am sorry that happened to you.” What else could she say? It wasn’t a valid justification, but it was an explanation, of sorts.
“Not much of an excuse, I know. I should have made myself do what was right, though I did try. Once, I went to the airport and sat there for ten hours. Then I bought a ticket to Paris. I had someone send me a few things from my California house and sell the rest. It was like I couldn’t bear to be on the same continent where he was hurt.”
So they’d both failed him, left him alone — she, with her adolescent lies and Arianna with her self-centeredness. Tolly wished she could destroy her own knee, Arianna’s too.
“I can see that you don’t have any sympathy for me. That’s fine. I don’t have any for myself. But let’s think about him.”
Oh, no problem, Arianna. All I do is think about him.
“This ordeal is over,” Tolly said. “The girl admitted she lied. He has his job back. True, he doesn’t like the media attention. Neither do I. But it’s not negative toward him. In truth, it’s as much about you as it is him or, certainly, me. It will pass.”
“Yes. The media attention will pass. It always does.” She said it like a lament. “But that’s not important. I am his mother. I want to be part of his life. Can you honestly tell me he’s better off without me? Can you honestly tell me he’s still not hurting over what happened this past week? And how do you know I can’t help him?”
Arianna had some good points. And, really, who was she to judge? She’d done her own damage.
“Tolly, look at me.” Arianna slammed her chocolate brown eyes into Tolly’s with intensity like she’d never seen. “I love him. I’ve done wrong. But I want to do right now; I have wanted that for a long time.” She put her hand over her heart. “You can’t know what it feels to love like this.”
“None of this is my decision. You act like it’s in my hands. And if you think he will see you just because I ask him to, you don’t know anything about Nathan.”
Don’t know anything about Nathan. It was just an expression but it struck a raw nerve in Arianna and she wore the pain on her face.
“Can you arrange it? In some way?” Arianna asked in a small voice.
“You mean deceive him into seeing you?”
Arianna nodded. “If that’s what it takes. I’m not proud of myself for asking, but I’m desperate. And I think if I can just get in the same room with him, just talk to him, then his life will be better for it. For sure mine will, whether I deserve it or not.”
Maybe Arianna was right. It wasn’t like Tolly hadn’t deceived him before. Arianna was his mother. That was powerful. But if she, Tolly, did this thing, there was no chance for her and Nathan.
But there was no chance anyway, was there? Wasn’t that what she’d been telling herself and him? But if she did this, even if he reconciled with Arianna, it would be the last straw for him. Right now, she could choose to go back, no matter how ill-advised it was. But wasn’t the last straw always coming anyway? And, in many ways, wouldn’t it be better if he did stop trying? If the decision was removed from her? Look what happened last night and what had almost happened. She’d been so close, too close, to giving in.
“Will you do it? Will you help me?” Arianna asked.
“I’ll do it,” Tolly said. “I’ll do it for him.”
Arianna went from desolate to radiant. “He’ll forgive you. You’ll see.”
“This is how it’s going to work.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Nathan was deep into the Arkansas/South Carolina game when his phone rang. He considered letting it go to voice mail without looking, but the media calls were slacking off and it might be Townshend.
And it was. He had vowed he wasn’t going to call her again until she called him. He’d waivered this morning, almost called to ask her to go to breakfast with him.
He needed to be charming. And not pressure her.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he said.
Silence. Oh, Lord. What if Kirby was using her phone?
“Townshend?”
“Yes, it’s me.” She sounded nervous. And sad. Sad wasn’t new; nervous was. Townshend was poise personified.
“I know you’re probably watching a football game. Or game film.”
“Doesn’t matter. Plenty of time for that.” And there was.
“I would like you to come over here,” she said formally.
His radar told him something wasn’t quite right. “This is not an invitation to Bad Memory Lane, is it?”
“No. I know you are never going there. I understand. I accept it. I just want you to come to my house.”
Maybe she finally understood that talking about the past would destroy them, not save them. And she still wanted him to come.
“All right,” he said slowly. What was causing his hesitation? Wasn’t this what he wanted?
“And Nathan?” Her voice was very unsteady. He wanted to reach through the phone and fix whatever was distressing her.
“Yes?”
“Before you come, I want to tell you something. Just a minute.” She seemed to be walking. Maybe Kirby was in the room. “Okay. I want to tell you I love you. I really, really love you. I always will — for what it’s worth.”
For what it was worth? It was worth everything. Didn’t she know that by now? No matter. Everything was going to be fine.
“I love you too, sweetheart. I’ll tell you again when I see you in ten minutes.” And if there was a God in heaven, Kirby would be gone and he could show her.
“Just come over,” she said. And then she hung up.
Odd. Very odd, but he’d take it.
• • •
Tolly was in the driveway, car keys in hand, before she remembered Kirby had her car. She had not envisioned leaving the house until it was time to take a dinner contribution to the eating and football-watching marathon at Shaun’s house. She’d figured she would call Lucy or Harris to take her.
Well. She had to get out of here and fast. Might as well walk to the diner. She needed to arrange with Lou Anne to get enough fried chicken and macaroni and cheese for fifteen teenage boys anyway. They were going to want to eat, no matter whose life she had changed today, be it for better or ruin. After that, she could, maybe, see if Lanie was home. Or Lucy. It was too far to walk to Missy’s. Barring all that, she could hide at her office. That might be better anyway.
Arianna had promised to call her when it was all over and she could go home again. Arianna hadn’t asked, hadn’t given any indication that she even wondered, why she wouldn’t be expecting Nathan to make that call.
<
br /> Nathan would never call again, and that had to be okay. At the end of all this, if he had his mother, it would be worth it.
• • •
Nathan noticed the rental car in front of Miss Caroline’s house, but he didn’t give it much thought beyond wondering if Brantley was making one of his lightning fast visits, where he flew in from wherever he was working and visited for seven hours and fourteen minutes.
The door was ajar so he didn’t ring the bell. She was expecting him. Maybe she was naked in bed, though that was probably too much to hope for.
He pushed the door open. “Townshend?”
“She’s not here.”
His mouth went dry. His stomach turned over. His hands went numb. Everything that had ever happened to anyone in a time of severe shock happened to him. Except fainting. He didn’t faint. Or die. Not yet.
How odd, that he only recognized her from pictures. And that time she showed up for his graduation. He hadn’t spent much time looking at her, though. He couldn’t get away fast enough.
“Where is Townshend?” he asked. Crazy thoughts went through his head. That phone call had been so odd. Had Arianna held a knife to her throat and made her call? Was she tied up somewhere? Or worse? It was possible. What did he know about this woman?
He didn’t wait for Arianna to answer. He moved through the house, calling Townshend’s name. Empty bedroom, unmade bed, and his jersey at the foot. He checked the kitchen, the bathroom, and all upstairs.
“Where is she? What did you do to her?”
Arianna frowned. “Why would I do anything to her? She offered to ask you to come over. Then she left to give us a chance to talk.”
“You mean trick me? No. Townshend would not have done that. You did something to make her make that call. She wouldn’t lie to me. She wouldn’t trick me like that.”
Then he stopped short. Why did he think she wouldn’t? Of course she would. She was a proven liar and nothing if not deceptive. He knew that; he’d just been willing to overlook it.
“Perhaps she did it for your own good,” Arianna said. “And if you’d take my calls it wouldn’t have come to this.”
“I am way past taking your calls. I took your calls. Remember? And you left. Again.” He turned toward the door. “I’m out.”
“Nathan, wait! Please, talk to me. I came all the way from Paris. I haven’t even slept.”
“You can sleep on the way back.”
“Wait. Please. Give me twenty minutes. At the end of that, if you tell me to go, I’ll never try to contact you again.”
“Yeah?” That sounded like a good deal. Twenty minutes for never having to wonder if she was going to call again, or worse, turn up. Yet, that wasn’t the reason he backed away from the door. He’d always wondered what she would have said to him if he had given her the chance on one of those random times when she thought about him.
He pulled out his phone and set the timer. “Go.”
“Can we at least sit down?”
He folded himself into that too small chair that Townshend liked to sit in to read. He didn’t want to sit in Townshend’s favorite chair, but he wanted even less to sit on the sofa with the surprise of the decade. He would have stood, but his knee was pounding.
“Thank you.” She sat down. And didn’t say anything. If she was waiting for him, she was going to have one long wait.
“I don’t know where to start,” she finally said.
“Yeah? Well, looks like you could have worked that out on that plane where you weren’t sleeping.”
“Oh, Nathan!” Tears spilled down her face. “Do you think I didn’t? Do you think I haven’t thought of a thousand things I want to say to you? But now they all seem wrong.”
“Wrong or right, your time is running out. I’ve got football to watch.”
“You’re like me, you know.”
“I don’t know that. I don’t know anything about you except you leave your baby and don’t keep your promises. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t aspire to that.”
“I deserve that. But what I meant was you look like me.”
“That’s what they say. I bet my knee doesn’t look like yours. It looks like a hungry zombie got hold of it for breakfast. I’d be surprised if you have any scars at all unless they’re behind your ears. But, in case you didn’t know, I’ve had some surgeries. Oh, wait. You do know. You were coming when I had my first one. But it conflicted with your pedicure appointment. Or maybe it was your dog’s pedicure appointment. I forgot.”
She cast her eyes down in shame. “It wasn’t like that, Nathan. I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Then you won’t be disappointed.”
“Are you always so mean?”
“Yes. I am. I am the meanest bastard on this planet. Ask my team. They hate my guts.”
“Tolly doesn’t seem to think you’re mean. Unless I miss my guess, she loves you quite a lot.”
“Do not speak of her!” And he didn’t want to speak of her either. Or think about her. He’d get to that, but right now she had to go in her own little box and stay there. His head was too full. Maybe she’d stay in that box for good. Yes. After this, he never wanted to think of her again.
“I want to be in your life,” Arianna said.
“Yeah? Well, people in hell want ice water, but they aren’t getting it.”
“I’ll do anything.”
“Okay. Here’s what you can do. I need someone to keep my locker room clean. Wash my boys’ uniforms. Polish their helmets. You can do that. That would qualify as being in my life.”
“Nathan.” She had the audacity to use a reprimanding tone. He knew all about tones and how to read them. He lived his life surrounded by teenagers. Tone of voice was one of the few weapons they had.
“Don’t take that tone with me,” he said. “Do you know who can take that tone with me? Who can make me take my hat off in the house and who I say ‘yes, ma’am’ to? Lou Anne. That’s who. She was there when I came out of surgery, every single time until I moved to Texas. She wasn’t always there when I went in because she had a living to earn that had nothing to do with standing in front of a camera, but she was always there when I came out.”
“Then I owe her.”
“Yeah? You owe Lou Anne? Well, why don’t you mosey on down to the diner and try to pay up. See how that works out for you.”
“That’s right,” Arianna said. “Get it all out. We can’t begin to have a productive conversation until you do. I deserve it and more. But I am your mother. I’ve done a bad job of it and I’m sorry. You will never know how sorry. But I think we’ve wasted enough time.”
“I haven’t wasted any time. I’ve been busy. Speak for your own self.”
“All right, I will,” she said quietly. “I came here because of what happened to you. I wanted to offer you some sort of comfort. I know it’s too little too late. There are so many opportunities when I should have been there to give you comfort. I know you must have cried for me after I left. You were old enough that you knew who I was and you adored me — would reach for me when I came into the room, no matter who had you. I wondered who gave you comfort for that. And later, when you would have been teething, when you were sick. When you fell learning to walk. There’s a whole lifetime of comfort that a child needs. And after you weren’t a child anymore, too. I think we might have made something of our relationship had you not gotten hurt. I think about that a lot.”
“We could have anyway. I don’t know what my getting hurt had to do with it. We were doing fine, talking on the phone. You promised to come, and you could have. You were done modeling by then. Your divorce from your third husband was final. You could have helped me. I needed help.” God, did his voice have to sound so needy, so wrought with longing? He had not intended that. Now, he would seem
weak and she would go in for the kill. Whatever that was.
She nodded. “And that is my biggest regret. Some would say it should have been leaving you in the first place. And I do regret it, but never like when I turned my back on you during that time. See.” She closed her eyes. “I don’t expect you to understand this, but I cannot be around pain and suffering. It’s an illness for me. I tried to come to you. God knows I did!”
“Well, I don’t need you now.”
“No, you don’t,” she said. “I hoped you would. You don’t need me. That time is over and that’s my shame and my loss. Your loss too, I guess, but not your fault. You have become a fine, wonderful man. I am so proud that you are my son, even though I have no right. But let’s put aside need. Let’s talk about want. Can you honestly tell me that you’ve never wanted to know me, never wished things were different? We share DNA, Nathan. I grew you inside of me. I named you. And I loved you. I still do. Is there no part of you that doesn’t want some sort of a relationship?”
No. He did not, not with her. Oh, there had been a time, but that time was up. And her twenty minutes had to be about up. He wasn’t sure why he did it, but he reached into his pocket and turned the alarm off. She didn’t notice because she was looking intently into his face.
“And Nathan.” She leaned toward him. “I’ll wash those uniforms and clean that locker room, if that’s what it takes. Do you know why? Because that would mean that I could walk where you walk and touch the things you touch. And, maybe, just maybe, if I do it long enough, you’ll believe me.”
He sighed and put his head in his hands. It was so confusing. He was out of anger, out of energy, and the walls around his heart were getting too thin.
“Will you consider it, Nathan?” she persisted. “Agree to spend some time together? Just a little, at a time of your choosing? Just a few days, or even hours. Whatever you decide. I’ll take what I can get.”
“I don’t know … ” And why did he say that? He did know. He wanted nothing from her.
Scrimmage Gone South (Crimson Romance) Page 25