Shafted

by Unknown

  ‘It’s called Gotcha!’ Larry explained, wishing that Terri had chosen a better title because this one still sounded shit. ‘It’s just a regular type of game show, really. Contestants answer different categories of questions through three rounds, knocking each other out along the way until there’s only two left.’

  ‘Sounds just like your other show, that.’

  ‘Kind of, but there’s a twist at the end when the last two go head to head. Instead of just answering straight questions at that point, they have to convince their opponents that they know the answer even if they don’t. And the one who makes the other one fold is the winner.’

  Mulling this over for a moment, Patrick said, ‘I’m sure I’ve seen something like that before with Ant and Dec. Sounds all right, though. And our Dex would be pretty good at it if it’s a case of blagging your way through, ’cos he can bullshit like no one on Earth, him.’

  ‘He’s certainly got the gift of the gab,’ Nora agreed, quickly adding for Larry’s benefit: ‘But he’s not malicious with it. He’s just a bit of a joker, that’s all.’

  Exchanging a wry smirk with Molly, Patrick said, ‘When’s he on, then? ’Cos I’ll have to get all the lads round for a laugh.’

  ‘Actually, we’re filming it today,’ Larry told him. ‘But it won’t be shown over here just yet, because it’s only a pilot at this stage.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘A kind of practice run – to see if it gets a good enough response to merit commissioning a full series,’ Larry explained. ‘It’ll only be broadcast in the States to start with,’ he went on, the disappointment in his voice genuine as he added, ‘Bit of a bummer for me, because I could really do with getting back on my feet over here. But it will be good for the contestants, because there’s a good chance they’ll get a fee for agreeing to let it be shown over there.’

  ‘You mean the jammy twat will get paid even if he doesn’t win?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘And what if he does win?’

  ‘Twenty grand, and – potentially – a Range Rover Sports with full body kit.’

  ‘No way!’ Patrick gasped. ‘Are you shitting me?’

  Smiling, Larry said, ‘No, I’m not shitting you. We want the pilot to be as good as, if not better than the real show.’ Shaking his head when Nora offered him another cigarette, he took out his own pack and offered these round instead, saying, ‘We knew the contestants would be disappointed about not seeing themselves on TV over here, so we decided to throw in the car to soften the blow – and to make us look better, of course. You know what those Yanks are like for having to have everything bigger and better than anyone else. We’re pretty sure it’ll be a hit, though, because we’ve been careful to choose only big characters for the pilot – like your Derek.’

  ‘I wish I’d known about it,’ Patrick said disappointedly. ‘I’d be great on something like that, me. Any chance of getting me on instead of him, or what?’

  Giving him a mock-regretful smile, Larry shook his head. ‘Sorry, not this time. But you can always apply for the proper show – if it gets commissioned.’

  ‘Oh, it’s bound to,’ Nora piped up confidently. ‘What, with you and our Dex on this pilot? It’ll be bloody marvellous.’

  ‘Mmm,’ Larry murmured, glancing pointedly at his watch. ‘Only if we can find him in the next hour and make sure he hasn’t changed his mind about appearing.’

  ‘Oh, bloody hell,’ Nora said, looking around for the phone. ‘I said I’d ring him, didn’t I? Got a head like a flaming sieve, me.’ Clicking her fingers at Molly now, she pointed at the phone on the ledge and told her to pass it over. Tapping in the number, she listened for a moment, then tutted loudly. ‘Switched off.’

  ‘Oh, dear,’ Larry said, as if he was really disappointed. ‘Be such a shame if he misses the deadline and loses out on the chance to win that twenty grand.’

  ‘And the car,’ Patrick reminded him.

  ‘He won’t go for it,’ Molly said quietly, startling Larry because he’d forgotten she was still here.

  ‘Don’t be thick,’ Patrick sneered. ‘’Course he will, or he wouldn’t have applied.’

  ‘I don’t think he did apply,’ Molly persisted, looking at Nora now. ‘Come on, Nan . . . can you honestly see me dad sending off for something like that?’

  ‘Summat like what?’ Dex Lewis asked, striding in through the back door just then.

  Stomach flipping at the sight of him, Larry swallowed hard and prayed that Nora and the others would protect him if Dex went for his throat. Because the man was absolutely enormous, with the broadest shoulders Larry had ever seen, and the thickest, most muscular thighs.

  Standing behind his brother’s chair now, Dex peered down at Larry with dark, unreadable eyes. Giving an upward jerk of his chin after a moment, he said, ‘You who I think you are?’

  ‘Er, I don’t know,’ Larry replied, his face frozen in a grin as he made an effort to stop shaking. ‘Depends if you’re thinking along the lines of Brad Pitt or Leonardo Di Caprio. Common enough mistake, either way.’

  Giving a tiny, crooked smile, Dex slid the hood down off his head, revealing a closely shaved map of battle-trophy scars. ‘What you doing round here, then?’

  Laughing, because it was the first thing everybody had asked so far when they’d seen Larry, Nora got up and went to pour Dex a cup of tea, telling him over her shoulder, ‘He’s come to give you the surprise of your bloody life, that’s what. And if you didn’t keep switching your bloody phone off all the time, you’d have known, wouldn’t you, ’cos I’d have told you.’

  ‘Oh aye?’ Taking her vacated seat and helping himself to one of her cigarettes, Dex peered at Larry with curiosity. ‘What’s going on, then?’

  ‘You’ve been picked to go on that new show of his,’ Patrick blurted out before Larry had a chance to open his mouth. ‘Twenty grand and a kitted-out Range Rover Sports, and all you’ve got to do is blag some fucker that you know the answer to a question even if you don’t.’

  ‘I’ve been picked?’ Dex frowned suspiciously. ‘From what?’

  ‘From the application you sent in,’ Patrick reminded him, grinning as he added, ‘Bet you thought we wouldn’t find out, didn’t you, you crafty shite? Scared I’d go in for it an’ all and beat you, were you?’

  His gaze still fixed on Larry, Dex pursed his lips and shook his head. ‘I didn’t enter for nothing.’

  ‘Told you,’ Molly declared, giving Nora a triumphant look. No one knew her dad better than she did – and she didn’t care who they thought they were.

  Ignoring her, Nora said, ‘You sure, son? You don’t reckon you might have done it when you was a bit –’ pausing, she cast a surreptitious glance at Larry before adding ‘– drunk?’

  Knowing full well that she meant stoned, Dex shook his head. You forgot a lot of shit when you caned as much weed as he did, but not something like this.

  Flapping her hand, Nora said, ‘Oh, well, whatever. You liked his other show when you and me used to watch it, didn’t you?’

  ‘I only watched it with you ’cos you was sick and I was looking after you,’ Dex muttered, hoping that Larry didn’t get the impression that he was a fan, or anything, because that would be too fucking gay for words. ‘But I still didn’t enter myself for nothing.’Turning to Larry now, he said, ‘No offence, mate, but it ain’t my kind of thing.’

  ‘Are you off your head?’ Patrick piped up. ‘You could win twenty grand and a Range Rover Sports. Addy would bite our hands off for one of them! Shit, man, we could send it straight to the Dam without involving him, ’cos we wouldn’t even have to worry about the paperwork. We’d be minted.’

  ‘We?’ Turning his head slowly, Dex gave his brother one of the coldest stares Larry had ever seen. ‘I didn’t hear no mention of your name, so how comes you’re trying to claim a slice?’

  ‘I was only saying,’ Patrick muttered sulkily. ‘No need to bite me head off.’

  Afraid that Dex would t
urn on him next, Larry almost jumped out of his skin when his mobile began to ring in his pocket. Hands shaking, he pulled it out and glanced at the screen. Seeing the name ‘Inky’, which told him that it was Inspector Keeton checking that everything was all right, he bit his lip then switched it off. He was having enough trouble keeping up the pretence without having to chat to a policeman in front of these people as well. He just hoped that Keeton didn’t take it as a sign of trouble and come rushing in, because Larry was sitting too close to Dex for comfort, and was bound to be first in the firing line if he kicked off.

  Everybody was peering at him when he glanced up again, curious to know why he’d ignored the call. Thinking on his feet, he shrugged, and said, ‘My producer. She’ll only be bugging me to see if I’ve had any luck with Derek, but she can wait till I get back to the studio. No point embarrassing myself having you guys hearing me get an ear-bashing.’ Grinning sheepishly now, he stood up. ‘Anyway, thanks for your hospitality, Mrs Lewis, but I’d best get moving.’ Then, smiling at the rest of them, ‘Nice meeting you all. And I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Derek, but you know where we are if you change your mind.’

  ‘Do I?’ Dex looked amused. ‘And how’s that, then? ’Cos I sure as hell ain’t psychic.’

  Reminding him that the phone number was on the letters they’d sent him, Larry saw the blank look in his eyes and frowned. ‘Don’t tell me you didn’t get them? Christ, no wonder you didn’t know what I was talking about.’ Exhaling wearily now, he ran a hand through his hair. ‘We sent you the gold ticket to let you know that you were through, and then wrote twice after that asking you to confirm that you were coming. I can’t believe you didn’t get them. And here’s me, turning up with the car, expecting you to hop right in it and come to the studio with me.’

  ‘You know what?’ Dex said thoughtfully. ‘I did get something gold the other week, but I thought it was one of them “You’ve won the Dutch lottery” bollocks, so I binned it. Don’t remember getting any letters, though.’

  ‘Did they come in official envelopes?’ Nora asked Larry now. ‘Only, if they did, he’d have binned them an’ all, knowing him.’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ Larry admitted. ‘But I wish I’d thought to check, because I’m exactly the same. I got so many bloody solicitors’ letters and what-have-you when I was going through all that shit last year, I just stopped opening them in the end.’

  ‘We heard about that,’ Nora said sympathetically. ‘But we never believed none of it. Everyone likes a drink or two, but that don’t make them an alkie. And as for all that stuff with the lass, it was obvious what she was after from the start. But even if you had done something with her, she was old enough, so it was no one’s business but yours and hers.’

  ‘Christ, I’d have given it one if she was offering it up to me on a plate,’ Patrick chipped in with a dirty chuckle.‘I was more surprised that you didn’t, to tell you the truth.’

  ‘She wasn’t my type,’ Larry muttered, sickened by the lustful look in the other man’s eyes.‘Anyway, I got tons of stick from the pigs, threatening me with this, that and the other even though I’d been proved innocent, and I got so sick of it I stopped opening my letters – which isn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done, because I’ve just had the biggest nightmare trying to sort out all the bills I ignored. I’ve got those bastards down at the police station to thank for that, and I wouldn’t mind but they made most of it up.’

  ‘You don’t need to tell us about the pigs,’ Patrick sneered. ‘We know all about them in this house—’

  ‘Maybe we do, but we don’t need to bore Larry with the details,’ Dex interrupted, giving Patrick a warning glare before he started blabbing all their personal dodgy business to the world and his wife. Turning to Larry now, he said, ‘One thing, though, mate . . . who gave you my name? And how did you know to come here looking for me?’

  Shaking now, sure that Dex was about to rumble him and kick the teeth right out of his mouth – or worse – Larry frowned. ‘Well, I thought you did when you sent in the application form, but obviously not if you don’t know anything about it. Maybe one of your mates did it for a laugh?’ he suggested. ‘Shame they didn’t let you in on it, though, because the laugh would have been on them when you walked out with the money and the car. And, between you and me, I think you’d have stood a really good chance of winning. But if you don’t want to do it, you don’t want to do it, so I won’t try and persuade you.’

  Giving Dex a disapproving glare, Nora got up and came around the table to Larry. Patting him on the arm, she said, ‘I am sorry, pet. I do hope we haven’t ruined it for you.’

  ‘’Course not,’ he assured her. ‘And it’s me who should be apologising – for turning up unannounced like this. You must think I’m a right pushy so-and-so.’

  ‘We most certainly do not!’ Nora protested earnestly. ‘I’ve bloody loved having you here – we all have. And it’s given them nosy buggers out there something to gossip about, an’ all.’ She jerked her thumb towards the door. ‘I’d have paid you to come round if I’d known what a fuss it’d cause. I’ll be like flaming royalty round here after this.’

  Winking at her, Larry squeezed her hand and thanked her again. Then, picking up the champagne which had been sitting on the table the whole time, he handed it to Dex, saying, ‘This was for you – to celebrate you coming on the show. But I guess you might as well have it anyway – compensation for me bending your ear when you didn’t even know what I was talking about.’

  Taking it, Dex handed it to Molly to put into the fridge. Holding out his hand then, he said, ‘Cheers, mate. And any time you need a favour, you know where I am, yeah?’

  Feeling the power of the other man vibrating through his body as they shook hands, Larry remembered Keeton’s warning about Dex becoming his new best friend and felt an overwhelming urge to run for his life before the Lewises sucked him any deeper into their murky little world.

  Showing him out a few seconds later, Nora stepped out onto the path and pulled the door to behind her. Glancing back at the house to make sure that no one was spying, she took Larry’s arm and walked him to the gate, whispering, ‘How long have you got before he needs to be there, pet? Only I was thinking, it seems a shame for him to miss out just because he wasn’t ready. Specially after you went to all this trouble to fetch the car over for him, an’ that.’

  ‘It’s not a problem,’ Larry assured her, wishing she’d let go of his arm so that he could escape. ‘We start filming at two, but we’ll just rejig it so the stand-in takes his place.’

  ‘But I don’t want you to do that,’ Nora said, peering up at him. ‘I want my Dex to go in for it. I don’t care who entered him for it, and I know you said it won’t even get shown over here, but at least I’ll know he’s been on telly for something good, won’t I?’

  Feeling bad for lying to her, Larry smiled down at Nora guiltily. She’d obviously had to adopt the hard-as-nails approach to survive amongst the scum who lived around her, but there was no denying how dedicated she was to her family. It saddened him that she was so desperate for at least one of them to make something of themselves.

  ‘Can you wait?’ she asked now, her eyes pleading with him. ‘If you’re not filming till two, you’ve got time to hang on here for another few minutes, haven’t you – give me a chance to work on him; see if I can’t make him change his mind.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Larry murmured, biting his lip. ‘I really should be getting back.’

  ‘Please?’ Nora tightened her grip on his arm.

  Feeling the sharpness of her gnarly old nails through his jacket, Larry winced. Nodding, he said, ‘Okay. I shouldn’t really, but I suppose I can wait ten minutes.’

  Reaching up, Nora pinched his cheek and gave him a gummy grin. ‘Thanks, pet. I owe you one.’

  Watching as she waddled back up the path, Larry opened the gate and strolled to the limo.

  ‘Well?’ Dave asked, peering at him in the rearview mirror w
hen he slid onto the back seat. ‘Was he there?’

  ‘Not at first, but he came in the back way just after I went in,’ Larry told him, snatching one of the bottles of alcohol out of the rack and twisting the lid off. Taking a long swig, he grimaced when he realised it was brandy, not Scotch.

  ‘And . . . ?’ Dave persisted impatiently. ‘Did he go for it, or what?’

  ‘Not exactly,’ Larry admitted. Then, relaying what had happened about Dex not receiving the letters and saying he wasn’t interested, he said, ‘But his mum reckons she can persuade him to change his mind, so I said we’d give him ten minutes. That’s all right, isn’t it?’

  ‘I’d wait all fucking day if it meant getting my hands on that bastard,’ Dave snarled, glancing at the house now as he reached for the radio to let Inspector Keeton know what was happening.

  Back inside the house, Hilda was busy telling Dex that she’d go in for that show if she were him, because he was guaranteed to win.

  ‘Oh aye?’ he sneered. ‘And who told you that, then? One of your spirit guides? Big Chief Knock-on-the-fucking-’ead!’

  ‘I seen it in the tea, smart-arse,’ she informed him tartly, changing her previous interpretation to fit the new situation. ‘Horses and chariots – gift-horses and cars. As God is me witness, you’ll regret turning your nose up at this chance, ’cos you’ll be losing out on a—’

  ‘Belt up, you!’ Nora snapped, coming back into the room just then. ‘I’ve listened to enough of your bloody shite to last me a lifetime.’

  ‘I’m only telling him what I saw,’ Hilda protested. ‘And you can’t deny it’s what I said, can you? And you can’t get much closer to the mark than that.’

  Casting a scathing glance in Hilda’s direction, Dex said, ‘Can’t you tell her to sling it, Mam? She does me head in, coming round every bleedin’ day talking shit.’

  ‘Oi!’ Nora scolded, giving him a slap on the back of the head. ‘Don’t be so bloody rude, you. Do I complain about your mates?’

  ‘No, but my mates don’t talk to dead people or look like fucking clowns,’ Dex retorted, chuckling softly.