Reckless Abandon

by J N Owens

  “Yeah, I don’t either. But I’m not leaving my house. I know it’s stupid, but I’m not giving him anymore control than he has already taken from my life.”

  “I don’t like gambling with your safety like this, but it’s your call. I love you and I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll be here no matter what,” I say as she smiles at me, though it is not a real smile, just a small smile, slightly turning up one side of her mouth.

  “Thank you. I love you.” She leans in and kisses me lightly.

  “Come on I got you something.” Her eyes get big.

  “You did? Why?”

  “What do you mean why? Because. I can’t do things just because?” I take her by the hand and walk her into the living room. We sit down on the sofa. I reach into my pocket and pull out the little blue box I’ve been carrying around since we got back from the beach.

  “Finley Grace,” I say as tears flood her eyes immediately. “I know I told you at the beach I wanted to spend my life with you, but I wanted to do it right. This isn’t how I wanted to do it, but I can’t wait and well honestly, I worry with everything going on I may not get the exact perfect moment. And I don’t want to wait. I know it’s fast. But when you know, you know. You are my heart, you are my every breath, my moon, and my stars. You make me a better man and I want only you to be by my side for the rest of my life. I want to go to bed with you in my arms every night and wake up to your beautiful face and mop of hair every morning. I want to see your eyes in my children when they look at me, and your smile when they smile at me. I want our life together. I want you and me, from now until eternity. Not just this life but everyone after.”

  The tears are falling down her cheeks as she just nods. She slams her mouth into mine while pulling me into her by the back of my head. She doesn’t have to say anything, I can feel it in the way she kisses me. I can fee her love; I can taste her soul and her passion for me.

  “Thank you, Noah. Thank you for loving me.”

  “I’m the one that is thankful. I never thought this was possible. I never thought in a million years I would find this kind of love.”

  “Can I tell you something?” She looks nervous.

  “Of course. Anything.”

  “When I met Scott, at first, I was kind of blown away. Even though there was always this part of me that was unsure about him and felt like something was off, I thought maybe I was just nervous or scared. I didn’t listen to the part of me that told me to run like hell because I thought it was fear of feeling something more. I have never had a relationship before. Never. I’ve always just kept my head down, focused on my work and on me. So, when this guy came out of nowhere and wanted me, I was blown away. I took advantage of the attention. I thought, finally, after all these years of living with this void and absence in my heart, I would finally feel…I don’t know…fulfilled. Maybe? He was so attentive and wanted me all the time. It felt good to be showered with attention and wanted like that. But I still felt it, that emptiness. Even on the best day with him. No matter how much I tried to convince myself I was happy with him, I still felt it. And then the lies started, and I started finding out all his secrets. I felt betrayed and hurt. But there was this part of me that was like, see I told you so. And also, I was a little relieved, because the whole time I was with him I felt like I was forcing myself. It felt rushed and like I was doing it because I needed it. Like I needed someone in my life. Does that make sense?”

  “Yes.”

  “And I didn’t fully understand that feeling I was having until I went to Miami, until you. When I spent that time with you, I understood what it was supposed to feel like. I finally knew what I was missing. I knew you were what I needed. You were what I had always wanted. We were always meant to be together. Everything with you is easy and it fits. The conversations aren’t forced, and I don’t feel rushed. I don’t feel like I’m forcing anything, or myself. I feel at home. Like I said, I don’t have that much experience in this area so I’m not exactly positive how it’s supposed to be or feel but I don’t think it can get much better than this. I don’t think I could ever find a more perfect fit than you.”

  “You are spot on. We are like peas and carrots.”

  “Peanut butter and jelly!” she yells. We both start laughing.

  “Mac and cheese.”

  “French fries and ketchup.” I put my finger to my lip like I’m thinking.

  “Coffee and beignets.”

  She gapes at me.

  “No fair, that’s mine. OK, um...shrimp and grits.”

  “Ooh, that’s a good one. Tequila and limes.”

  “Popcorn and M&Ms” I laugh so hard.

  “What?? Popcorn and M&Ms? Are you serious?”

  “Yes. You haven’t ever had them?” she asks with a questioning look on her face.

  “No. That’s gross.”

  “Oh my God. It’s the best. Now we must have them. It’s the perfect combination of salty and sweet. Come on let’s go get some.” She stands up, but I pull her back down.

  “Not just yet. You forgot something.”

  “What?” I pull the ring out of the box and slide it on her finger.

  “This. You can’t forget your ring.”

  “Oh. Noah it’s beautiful. Thank you. It’s absolutely perfect.” I kiss her finger.

  “Just like you.” She leans in and kisses me. My beautiful future wife. And now my life is complete. I will never want for anything ever again, if I have her.

  We spend the rest of the night watching some cheesy movie that she loves and eating popcorn with M&M’s. I have to say, it’s pretty amazing. The woman knows what she is talking about.

  21

  Finley

  It’s late when my phone rings, I look over and see Emory’s face. I pick up immediately. “Hey, are you OK?” I can hear her sniffle.

  “Yeah. Can I come over?”

  “Of course. You know you don’t even have to ask. I’ll go make some coffee.” I know it’s going to be a long night. It always is when she calls crying. I hang up, Noah lifts his head.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, go back to sleep. It’s Emory.”

  “Do you need me to do anything?”

  “No, it’s fine. She is coming over. I’m sure she is just upset about the fuck wad, Danny, again.”

  He huffs.

  “Want me to kick his ass? I don’t mind, I wanted to that weekend at the beach. He is a dick,” he mumbles half asleep with his arm covering his face.

  I sit there watching him for a minute. I know without a doubt he would get up and go find this dickhead just to kick his ass. He is so adorable when he sleeps. I could watch him all night. I feel my heart stutter. I laugh. My knight, always sticking up for me and my sisters.

  “No, thank you, though. Just go back to sleep.” I press a soft kiss to his forehead and get up. I head downstairs and start the coffee. I hear my front door unlocking, so I turn and see Emory come through into the kitchen. Her face is stained where her mascara has run. Her hair is a mess and her clothes are wrinkled. In simple terms, she is a train wreck.

  “Oh, Em. What happened?” I ask as I go to her and wrap my arms around her. I walk her to the bar and sit her in a chair.

  “Danny happened. What do you think?” I roll my eyes. Of course, it was him.

  “Okay but specifically what did he do now?”

  “I went to his apartment, to surprise him.”

  “Oh, Em.”

  “He said he was working, so I made dinner. I was waiting, in my underwear none-the-less when he comes strutting through the fucking door with that blond bimbo hanging all over him. He was kissing up her neck and her hand was down his pants.” She starts sobbing all over.

  “Fuck, Em. I’m so sorry. What can I do?”

  “Nothing. I’m just humiliated. He just stood there. He didn’t say anything. She laughed and he just stood there. Embarrassed. I grabbed my clothes and ran out. It was horrible.”

  “Em, bug. I’m gonn
a say something right now that you need to hear but you’re not going to like it. I need you to listen to me. You are beautiful, you are smart, and you are amazing. He is a dick. He is slimy and honestly not even that good looking. You deserve a million times better than him. Do not sell yourself short because you think Danny tiny dick douche is all you can get. He is the bottom of the barrel. I need you to pick yourself up and swim to the top. I love you too much to see you continuing to do this to yourself. I need you to see yourself the way we see you. I need you to love yourself, respect yourself and know you deserve better.”

  “How can you say that? It’s not that easy. I don’t look like you. I don’t look like Layla. I’m not made like you. I don’t know how to have those feelings about myself like you. I hurt all the time. Don’t you see. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why I feel like I need the validation of someone’s love, a man’s love. I don’t understand it but it’s real and it’s solid. It’s like a rock that weighs me down. It’s the weight in my soul. This feeling of not being lovable, of not being enough, never enough. Being second best, too fat, not smart enough, not pretty enough. Just shy of enough. It cuts me, every day. And it’s slowly killing me.”

  Oh God, my baby sister is broken.

  “Emory Justice, you are my blood and my first love. You know that? I love you with my whole heart. It breaks me to hear you in so much pain. I want to help you. How can I help you? What can I do?”

  She glances up at me,

  “Honestly? Nothing. This is something I need to work on myself. This is all in me. It’s my problem. My feelings. I must fix it. I must figure out how to help myself. I don’t know how but I will. You are right about what you said. I just must figure out how to do it. And I will. I promise.” She says it in a whisper, but so matter of fact. She stands up and starts to head out of the kitchen.

  “Wait, where are you going?” She is almost in a daze. It’s like she doesn’t have control of herself. She is on autopilot.

  “I’m going home now.” She doesn’t even turn back to look at me, just keeps heading for the door.

  “Oh no you’re not.” I catch her and step in front of her. “You are staying here. Come on. Let’s get you upstairs.” She doesn’t argue. I take her upstairs, I run a hot bath for her. I help her undress and hold her hand as she steps in the bathtub. She slowly sinks down into the water. She has her knees pulled to her chest and just stares straight ahead. I pick up a washcloth off the shelf and dip it in the water. I pour body wash onto it and start rubbing her back. I run the cloth down her arms and across any surface of skin I can reach.

  She looks over to me, “Thank you. I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to be such a burden.”

  “Hush, you are not a burden. I love you.” I lean in and kiss her head.

  “Did you know I was an accident? Mom and dad didn’t want me.” I sit there shocked. I don’t know where this is coming from, or what it has to do with anything. So, I just listen. “I heard them one night, arguing. They were miserable. They didn’t want to be married anymore. But mom ended up pregnant with me and that’s why they stayed together. I’m the reason they stayed together for so long, miserable in that house, fucking other people. I started out in life not being wanted. I heard mom yell to dad that she should have had the abortion.”

  Oh God. Tears roll down my face. I can’t imagine going through life with that in your heart. She is still just looking straight ahead. But now the tears are coming again.

  “And dad said I wasn’t his. He said I was the pricks she was fucking, so she should take me and go live with him. That’s why he is different with me than he is with you and Layla. That’s why I don’t look like y’all. That’s why I’m different.”

  “Alright, stop, right now. Look at me.” It comes out huskier than I thought. My tears are caught in my throat. She turns her face to me. I can see the agony she has been carrying around. My heart splits in two. “Mom and dad had a lot of problems back then. I don’t know how true any of that is. But if you heard it as a kid, then I wouldn’t trust any of it. You know as well as I do that, we remember things differently than they actually happened. Now as far as you not being dads, I don’t believe that. He loves you. He does more for you than any of us. You are his absolute favorite. Are you kidding me? My goodness Em! If this is what you have been carrying around with you, no wonder you feel like such shit. You must talk about this, get this out. You need to talk to mom and dad.”

  “No, I can’t do that. Not now. “

  “Well, when you are ready, we will do it together. Alright?” She just nods and goes back to looking straight ahead. We sit there a while longer letting her relax. My heart aches for her. I have no idea what it must be like to carry around that kind of hurt for so long. And I have no idea how to help her, except to just being there for her. Then I get her up and I wrap her in a towel. I pull a tee shirt over her head and put her into the bed. I pull the covers over her and tuck them tight around her. She falls asleep immediately. I sit down in the chair across from her, I stay there all night and just watch her. I don’t know what I would do if something ever happened to her. I wasn’t lying when I said she is my first love. Layla was my first sister, but I was so little when she was born. I was almost ten when Em was born so it was more like having a baby than a sister. Okay, not really like that, but I loved her so fully and it was all consuming. I wanted to take her everywhere with me. I wanted to protect her from everything. I wanted to keep her safe and give her all the love and all the things. If she asked for my clothes, I gave her my clothes. If she wanted the food I was eating, I gave it to her. Whatever she wanted, I handed it over willingly, because all I wanted was for her to feel happy and loved. So, to find out now that she didn’t, all because she overheard a fight between mom and dad, that breaks my heart. I sit here watching her sleep peacefully, and I cry. I sob, all night thinking about the pain she is going through.

  The sun starts to peak through the curtains. I look over and watch as the sun starts to make its way through the trees. It’s so gorgeous here in the morning. The pinks and oranges of the early morning fill the sky. I hear movement, and I turn to see Noah standing in the doorway, leaning against the door jam in all his shirtless glory. His pajama bottoms hung low around his hips, showing off the v that dips down into them. He is beautiful and all mine. I love the way his hair sticks up in the morning. He runs his hand through it lazily, giving me a questioning look as he nods towards Emory. Seeing him always does funny things to me, my heart stutters, my stomach drops, and for some reason this day, my eyes water. I feel extra emotional seeing him. I stand up to stretch.

  “She will be okay. We need to check on getting her some help though. She says she will figure it out, but I think her depression is getting worse. I just don’t know how to help her.”

  * * *

  “Yeah absolutely. Whatever she needs. Actually, I have a friend, we were in school together. He is psychologist now. He works for some high-end treatment facility over in North Carolina. It’s some posh place for rich people, I think. I haven’t talked to him in a while. I’ll give him a call and see what he thinks. I don’t think she needs to go to something like that, but he can probably point us in the right direction.” I smile as I walk over and wrap my arms around his waist squeezing him tight. He pulls me close and places a kiss on top of my head.

  “Thank you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’m glad I have you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. If I don’t tell you enough, I appreciate everything you do.”

  I leave the room and let Emory sleep. I go to my room and shower and head downstairs. Noah is just hanging up the phone. “Who was that?”

  “That was my friend I was telling you about, Alex. He said he will see her. He is coming down this way for a conference at Tulane next month. So, he wants to see her and talk to her. Just a little one on one. Then he will let us know what he thinks the best course of action is. He doesn’t really know what is best until he talks
to her and sees what exactly is going on.”

  “Noah that’s great. I think I will get her stay here for a while. She was really upset last night and I’m afraid for her to go stay by herself. And if that dick head Danny shows up pulling his shit, I’ll lose it. I mean he has some nerve. Also, she told me things last night that I was completely unaware of. I guess she overheard mom and dad arguing as a kid. It seems that is where all her insecurities come from. She needs to sit down and talk with them too. She is holding on to some serious hurt and it’s affecting her.” I huff and roll my eyes.

  “That isn’t good at all. I hate to hear that, but I agree. She needs to get it all out in the open. She can’t carry that around. But as far as Danny goes, I don’t doubt he would do something stupid. He is an asshole, but, what exactly did he do this time?”

  I fill him in on the whole story and he just sighs. He clearly isn’t surprised either. He had told me back at the beach he didn’t trust him or his intentions. He said he seemed like a liar and a bullshitter. And if we have said it once, we have said it a million times, a man can always tell when another man is bullshitting. I wish women came with a better bullshit meter, like a gaydar but for bullshit. That would make life a lot easier.

  Emory comes down later that afternoon. She looks better than when she showed up last night. “How are you feeling?”

  “Better. Thank you for everything.” She starts herself a cup of coffee.

  “So, I was thinking. Maybe you should stay here for a while. Just until things with Danny settle down. I can help you with the whole job search. And you know how much I love having you here. We can watch our shows at night. It will be just like when we were young. And we can call Layla, we can have our tequila Tuesdays again!” She is eying me suspiciously.

  “I don’t know. All my things are at my place. And I don’t want to impose on you and Noah.”