by Alison Bond
Toby walked upstairs and Lynsey trailed behind him, wondering how quickly she could drink a beer, and had to strain to hear him above the thump of the latest track.
‘That was pretty wild, huh?’ he shouted. ‘Crazy. I think it must be the music.’
‘Yeah,’ she said. It was always a good idea to blame the music. One minute he was backing off, the next he wanted to buy her a beer. And she was letting him. So much for pride.
They found a spot on the second floor where the music was quieter and they were able to talk. Lynsey groaned inwardly when they got there. Was she really expected to talk to him and pretend that nothing had happened? It would be easier to forget this little indiscretion if they remained strangers. He’s seen my breasts, his tongue has been in my mouth, now we make small talk?
‘Are you hungry?’ he asked. ‘I know a great hamburger place.’
‘Look, Toby, you’re a really nice guy but –’
Already? The really-nice-guy-but speech? You don’t even know me.’
‘I’m just not looking for a relationship.’
Another of my favourites. Five minutes ago you were ready to do me in a bathroom and now you can’t wait to get away from me.’
‘You sound like a woman.’
‘Well, you’re acting like a man.’
‘It was just…’
‘Sex,’ said Toby. ‘Okay, I get it. So I must be a disappointment?’
‘What?’
‘You come out looking for sex and I don’t put out. Bummer. You had to pick the only guy here who might think it’s a good idea to hang out a little bit, find out each other’s names, that kind of thing.’
‘Listen, Toby…’ she said.
‘No, you listen. You might know my name but I don’t know yours. I asked you and you smiled. I also asked you what you did and you said “showbiz baby”, which, given this one-track mind we call a city, doesn’t give me too much to go on. I’m sorry if you didn’t get what you wanted but you’re from England so you might not know: there are places women can go and pay for sex. Me, I think it’s more fun when you haven’t got your knee caught between the wall and the toilet bowl and you know what name to call out when you come. Jesus, I just wanted to take a break and get to know you first. Don’t people do that where you come from?’
He stopped. Breathless. And a bit surprised that he’d said all that. Speeches weren’t normally his thing. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘I do sound like a woman.’
‘Lynsey,’ she said. ‘My name is Lynsey.’
‘Well, I like you, Lynsey. Let’s just sit here for a little while and talk.’
Lynsey sipped her beer and wondered how much more of this she had to endure. She supposed that there were women out there who would be melting at this gentleman routine that Toby had going on, but she wasn’t one of those women. The change of pace was confusing.
Toby was that most deceptive male type. The gentle giant. You look at the packaging and you think you’re getting a testosterone platter but inside it’s soft like jelly. And she didn’t much care for jelly.
It wasn’t that she didn’t believe in love, or that she didn’t want a relationship, but she had too much that she wanted to do first. Like figure out who she really was and what made her happy. That way, when she met the thunderbolt man, Superman, she would know exactly what she wanted and the relationship would last. She had seen too many friends get ripped apart by different dreams. A man who wasn’t ready for marriage or a girl who wanted to see the world. And Lynsey was happy. She was busy. Where would a man fit in? The idea of inviting a man into her life and into her decision-making process was unthinkable. Planning weekends and making dates that she wouldn’t be able to break at a moment’s notice? She liked being a free spirit and Toby didn’t look like the free-spirited type. He wasn’t a thunderbolt, that’s for sure. When he’d had his mouth on her neck and his hands in her hair she had thought he might be, but he was just another failed actor at the start of his real career. He asked lots of questions.
Eventually, tired of dragging answers from her reluctant lips, Toby offered Lynsey a ride home.
She accepted because, to give him credit, Toby seemed like a genuinely nice guy. She was sure he’d make some girl a wonderful boyfriend, just not this girl. This girl had just been looking for a bit of fun.
He had a very sexy car.
Halfway home he said, ‘So now we’ve got to know each other…?’
Lynsey grinned. It looked like the talking was over and they were back to the fun.
Halfway across the very big city, Melanie was trying to think of a nice way to get Amanda off the phone. It was late, she was tired, and she knew that Amanda was just bored. Her sister still managed to annoy her from five thousand miles away.
‘And you’re sure you haven’t seen Douglas? Maybe he called and you didn’t get the message,’ said Amanda.
Melanie sighed. Amanda seemed determined that Douglas and Melanie should be the best of friends on this side of the Atlantic as if an ocean could change the way they felt about each other. Douglas had been in town for three days and so far Melanie hadn’t heard from him and was happy to keep it that way.
‘Maybe, but to be honest, Mand, I don’t have much time anyway. I probably couldn’t have dinner.’
‘Not even for me?’
‘For you I’d find the time, but it’s not you, is it? It’s Douglas.’
‘It’s just that if he’s out with you, well, then I know where he is, don’t I? If he’s out with you he’s less likely to be out with some… floozy.’
Amanda, if you don’t trust your husband then, frankly, that’s your problem.’
She gasped as if Melanie had slapped her. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ she said, and sniffed.
Melanie wasn’t in the mood to take a guilt trip. ‘Well, I do. You have no idea how busy it is here. I’m on set for fourteen hours a day, I come home, I learn lines, I sleep. I was supposed to have two days off this weekend but we need to do pick-ups. I think they like me. This is important to me.’
‘And I’m not?’
‘Oh, Amanda, shut up!’
‘Why are you being so short with me? What, do you have your period or something?’
That’s when she realized.
After they made their peace, as the sisters always did, Melanie hung up the phone, opened her desk diary and tried to work it out.
How long had it been since she had bought Tampax? How long had it been since she had felt the familiar stirring of an irrational temper, since she’d cried at a soap opera? Too long. It wasn’t like her to be so inefficient.
For the rest of the night Melanie distracted herself with new scripts to read and laundry to sort, all the while a convincing inner voice told her not to panic, that the stress of the last three months had suspended normal services. The change in climate would certainly be a factor. It was a temporary absence. She didn’t feel pregnant.
She had been so tired lately but had put it down to work, she had felt sick but thought that was her nerves. Faced with the prospect of pregnancy she was at first relieved that she might have a damn good reason to be as tired or as nervous as she was.
After all, there was no way she could have the baby.
Melanie had never been pregnant before. Her sister had had two abortions. The first time, she had begged Melanie to go with her to the clinic. It was a discreet low-rise building on the edge of town that looked like sheltered housing for the elderly. It turned out to contain a handful of young women all with the same expression of embarrassment and terror. Melanie remembered that she had tried to adopt the same look. It was an effort to protect her sister from the condemnation that echoed around the waiting room, not from the staff, but rather from the misplaced guilt of the girls themselves. Melanie thought that by looking miserable herself they might not know which one of the sisters it was who had been careless.
It had been useless of course, because after a few agonizing minutes the nurse had call
ed out Amanda’s name and Amanda had walked across the waiting room alone. The next time Melanie saw her she was quiet and thoughtful and full of cramps.
By the time her second abortion rolled around Amanda had changed. She had already started to adopt the superior attitude that Melanie spent so much time trying to get past these days. She had recently played a minor part in a period drama on television and was going out with the director, Monty. She had gone to the best clinic in London and was in and out on her lunch hour.
‘Monty agrees,’ she had said. ‘It’s bad timing for both of us. Careerwise, I mean.’
Monty had found lasting success as a part-time drama teacher and Amanda, well, Amanda was family and Melanie wouldn’t have a word said against her unless she was saying it herself.
If she was pregnant surely she would know? Melanie had always valued her instincts and trusted them to lead her out of trouble, conveniently forgetting all the times they had let her down. Her body would have sent her some signal. Sure, a lengthy lack of the curse should have tipped her off but wasn’t she supposed to feel serene or creative or something? She couldn’t be.
There was nothing she could do about it tonight. It was late and she was tired. All she wanted was a good night’s sleep. She thought maybe she would have a glass of wine to help her relax and then, having already drilled it with the corkscrew, changed her mind because, well, you know.
Eventually Melanie knew she was avoiding the inevitable and was waiting in a long queue at a featureless all-night pharmacy with strip lighting so bright it hurt her eyes. She chose Predictor because she liked the name. At ninety-nine per cent it would be the most accurate reading she had ever had.
Lynsey made a beeline for the condoms and grabbed a packet of three. She stepped away and then turned back and grabbed another, because you never know, right?
She could see Toby’s car on the street. She hesitated for a second. What if he expected more conversation before the release she craved? Was this really worth it just for one of the best bodies she had seen since she got here? In the club she had felt so sexy, but now she just felt… well, a bit sleazy.
And that’s when she saw Melanie.
At first Lynsey was just happy at the coincidence. She always felt that way if she bumped into someone she knew in a big city. It was a rare enough occurrence to make the moment feel special.
She jumped up behind Melanie and tapped her on the shoulder. ‘Hiya!’
Then, like a character in a bad sit com, Melanie dropped her purchase and the pregnancy test clattered to the floor between them.
‘Oh,’ said Lynsey.
‘Hi,’ said Melanie, blushing furiously and hating herself for feeling like a teenager caught in a family-planning clinic by a friend of her mum’s. She bent down to pick up the offending test and cursed the coincidence. Lynsey was carrying condoms, she noticed. Not even bothering to try and hide them. So here they were, two sexually active women making purchases at either end of the act of conception. What do you say at times like this? ‘This isn’t your neighbourhood.’
‘No,’ said Lynsey. She made vague gestures towards the waiting car. ‘My friend…’
‘Right.’
Lynsey chewed on her lip while she tried to think of something to say. Melanie looked freaked out, she was tapping her fingertips against her hip like a nervous twitch. Lynsey wanted to say, ‘Hey, don’t worry, it’s none of my business,’ but didn’t feel like she could even mention what they obviously both knew: Melanie thought she might be pregnant. Either that or she was just hideously organized and liked to be prepared, to have a kit in the medicine cabinet at all times just in case. Maybe she’d had the same one for years and the chemicals had expired. She was just getting a new one. The point being that it really was none of her business and if she could just think of something innocuous to say, a joke to lighten the mood… Not a joke about sex, although her mind was flooded with them, that might be too close to the subject they were trying to avoid. Maybe a joke about chemists or Boots or a smart remark about the price of drugs here compared to the UK. Something topical. Something relevant but not too relevant…
‘God, Lynsey, stop it, stop staring at me! Yes, fine, I need a pregnancy test, okay? What’s the matter?’
Lynsey opened her mouth to speak but Melanie kept going.
‘Don’t judge me.’
‘Melanie, I didn’t –’
‘I’m just late, that’s all, it’s probably the stress, the climate. I’m just being sensible. There’s no way –’
‘Hey, calm down.’
‘Can you imagine!’ Melanie started giggling hysterically. ‘I mean, can you? There’s no way…’ she said again and got her breathing under control.
‘Are you okay?’
‘I…’ She turned to Lynsey, suddenly vulnerable, and took her hand. ‘Am I? Am I okay?’
Melanie was next in line and collected herself, paying for the stupid test and wishing with all her heart that she could have been ten minutes earlier and avoided this whole tacky scene. She paid cash and took her change without even seeing it, stuffing it in her purse so quickly that a shiny quarter tumbled against the countertop. It was all too much. She felt like crying. She felt emotional. She felt as if she might be pregnant after all.
‘So I’ll see you soon,’ she said to Lynsey as they both walked towards the exit.
‘Wait a minute,’ said Lynsey. She looked outside at Toby’s car and back to Melanie. She couldn’t believe she was about to say this but she didn’t want Melanie taking that test on her own. She seemed far too nervous and if she didn’t like the result she might do something stupid. Like down a bottle of gin when she had an early call in the morning. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’
‘What? No, of course not.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Lynsey, stop it. I’m not ill.’
‘I don’t mind.’
Melanie just wanted to get away. Hot tears were stinging her eyes and her throat constricted. She could feel pressure in her sinuses. She would not cry. She wouldn’t bloody cry. Oh dear, too late. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Would you?’
Lynsey tapped on the car window and decided that if Toby was okay with this then it was obviously never meant to be. She would never get her hands on that body again. All these false starts were a sign. He pushed a button and the window rolled down silently.
‘Hey,’ she said. ‘Change of plan. I just ran into my boss and she wants me to do a thing.’
‘You’re kidding?’
Lynsey shook her head and noticed how blue his eyes really were. ‘I’m really sorry. It’s important.’
‘It’s two o’clock in the morning,’ he said, not unreasonably.
‘I know. But she needs me.’
‘I need you.’
‘We had our moment, let’s just leave it, okay?’
Toby stuck his head out of the window. ‘Come here.’ He planted a kiss on her lips. ‘I’ll call you. CMG, right?’
‘Right.’ That’s me, CMG.
A thin blue line.
Pregnant. Wow.
For a moment Melanie toyed with the idea of giving birth. Being a mother. Having a family. But that was just a pipe dream, something for the future. She didn’t even have a boyfriend.
Wow.
Lynsey knew just from the look on Melanie’s face. And the way she fiercely threw the spent test into the bin and said, ‘Stupid bastard thing. Bollocks.’
Congratulations were obviously not appropriate.
‘Who’s the father?’ It was a horribly personal question and one which she was quite prepared for Melanie not to answer, but you have to ask, right? That’s the juicy stuff.
Melanie was stunned. ‘I… I hadn’t even thought about the father.’ And she hadn’t. It was totally shaming. Was she really that self-absorbed? She’d always thought that she was such a fair person but he really hadn’t entered her mind. Jonathan: no, probably not, but maybe check. Fabien: ohmigod, she’d rather it was
Jonathan’s, please let it be Jonathan’s. Davey. But nothing ever happened. Again, like a flash, that one night of fantasy filled her head.
‘I don’t know,’ said Melanie truthfully and winced when she heard how it sounded. ‘How bad is that? I don’t know.’
Lynsey thought that was quite bad but would never say anything of the sort. Besides, she didn’t mean morally reprehensible, she just meant unlucky. As if being unexpectedly pregnant wasn’t bad enough, it had to happen during a spell you might otherwise remember as a happy period of much sex. ‘Oh.’
‘It doesn’t matter, anyway. He doesn’t need to know. I can’t keep it.’ She looked across with scared eyes as if Lynsey was about to argue. ‘I can’t,’ she said again.
‘Okay. If that’s what you want. Whatever makes you happy.’
‘Right, yeah,’ said Melanie sarcastically, ‘I’ll be ecstatic; I’ll be skipping out of the clinic. Giddy.’
Melanie was hard work when she was on the defensive. She tended to lash out.
‘I suppose if it was you, you’d just make a wish and everything would turn out just fine. But then you don’t believe in accidents, do you? You think everything happens for a reason.’
‘I believe in accidents,’ said Lynsey.
Well, you’ve obviously never had one or you wouldn’t be sitting there judging me.’
‘For crying out loud, Melanie, I am not judging you. Stop saying that. It’s your body. Don’t take this out on me.’ She tugged at her hair. She wished she had never come. This was that line again, the line between client and friend that she always meant to look out for, but as she was sitting here watching the fallout from an unexpected pregnancy she figured the line was well and truly crossed.
‘Things are just starting to go right for me,’ said Melanie. ‘Max says they are going to pick up my option any day. It’s just not the right time.’ She choked on the word, ‘Careerwise.’
‘Melanie, honestly, it’s fine. Whatever. Maybe I should go.’
‘It’s a huge responsibility.’
‘I know.’
‘What would you know about responsibility? It’s past midnight on a work night and you’re out buying condoms.’